CALLING ALL BIRTH PARENTS, ADOPTIVE PARENTS, ADOPTEE'S, AND EVERYONE ELSE!

I need everyones help for this one. It’s not urgent, but the all caps most likely got your attention I hope. :)

With finals coming to an end soon (THANK GOD) and having some time to do some creative things, I was thinking I would work on Jude’s Information book. The idea behind this Information book is to provide information about Victor and I and our families for Jude. Things like what were like, our family trees, why we gave him up for adoption, and maybe a letter to him for the future. I want him to have this so that if he wants to know about us, but doesn’t want to meet us yet, then he will have something to look at to know us with out meeting us. 

The problem: I don’t know what to put in it other than the ideas I suggested above. :/ This is where you lovely people come in. Can you give me ideas and suggestions as to what to put into this book?

BIRTH MOMS

What would you want your birth children to know about you? What do you think they want to know about you? What messages, pictures, thoughts, and any thing else you can think of would you want them to know/see?

ADOPTIVE PARENTS

What things would you want your adopted children to know about their birth parents? What do you want to know about your child’s birth parents? Are their stories, messages, pictures, or thoughts you would want your child to know about their birth parents?

ADOPTEES

What kind of things do you want to know about your birth parents? Would you want a letter from them? Pictures? Stories? Would you want a family tree of your biological family? What would you want them to say to you about anything?

EVERYONE ELSE

If you had the chance to ask your parents anything, what would you ask them? Is there anything you would want to know about your parents? What would you want your parents to tell you?

I will take any suggestions, ideas, questions from anyone, you don’t have to be following me to answer these questions. Like I said, its not urgent, but once school starts up again in January, I wont have much time again. So, please help?

2nd Birthday Visit

This past weekend I met with Jude, Katie and Greg. It was Jude's 2nd birthday on Monday, so we celebrated. We met at the Children's Discovery Museum. It was just me this visit, which was very nice. Victor was unable to come this time, for personal reasons. It was just the 4 of us, which was nice.

I think all of us were really quiet this visit. We talked I mean, but there were lulls in the conversation sometimes. I personally was dead tired from the previous night of shenanigans and had a lot on my mind. I was so tired I didn't have time to make the Yo Gabba Gabba cupcakes I wanted to. I just ended up going to a local bakery and picking out like $40 worth of treats. Jude and his folks didn't seem to mind though.

Jude was just great. Apparently he had a cold this visit and had a very short nap before getting to the museum, but that only slowed him down a bit. We ate some food truck food, which was super good. Then went into the actual museum. Jude is a very smart boy. He talks a lot, loudly, but a lot. He's curious about everything and likes to explore. Katie and Greg are doing a great job. Jude is a huge ham. Always smiling for the camera and saying "cheese!". Some times he'll even pose.

He is just the best and the cutest kid around. I would have to say his only problem right now is sharing. Only child syndrome is a tough one to break. I have confidence though that Katie and Greg will nip that problem in the bud and/or he will grow out of it. I took a lot of pictures with my own camera this time, but it really prevented me from interacting with Jude. Not only that, but I was pretty much a pack mule with my purse, Jude's presents from Victor and I, and the sweets I bought. I had my hands full.

A couple of hours later Jude was getting fussy, and we adults were pooped. I walked them back to the car and we got the group shot I wanted. We briefly mentioned the next visit in February and said our good byes. I got hugs from everyone and kisses (besos) from Jude. Off they went and I caught the light rail back to the place I was staying.

Victor was bummed he missed the visit, but he had bigger problems that he needed to deal with. The pictures I took cam out ok, I'm n professional, but they will do until I get the one's Greg took. I'll be like an excited puppy waiting at the mail box for the next couple weeks.

All in all, It was a good visit. Even emotionally I am fine. Like any mom, I'm bummed he's getting older and not a little baby any more. However, I'm not sad. I'm a bit off balance if that makes any sense. Natty was telling me how much people back in Jude's home town people love him there and how he never wants for anything. This is all wonderful to hear don't get me wrong, but I couldn't help but wonder 'What does he need me for?'. I'm not really sure if he will. Honestly, I think I'm ok with that, but its just weird. I had this vision of what I wanted to be in Jude's life or at least what I wanted to be and now I've come to the conclusion that I might not be anything. I guess time will tell. I can't wait until christmas to make his present. 

Goal for Next Visit

I have one real goal for this visit coming up in a couple of weeks. It will be his birthday visit and I am more than excited to see them. I have his cupcakes all planned out and maybe a few Balloons. My one goal is to get a picture of all five of us, Victor, Jude, Katie, Greg, and I.

A couple of months ago I realized that I don’t have a picture of all five of us. I have a picture of Katie and Me at the hospital before Jude was born, but thats it. I feel like the hugest bitch for not asking for a picture of all! I guess I just wasn’t thinking, plus what does it say that they didn’t want one either? I’m not even going to think on that….

I will get that picture! It will happen!

In a little less than a month, Jude will be two

 For what ever reason, I seem to be taking this hard. I don't really know why. It could be because it's shark week (TMI), I'm in a new place and lonely, or a lot of girls I know are on to their second child right now and my uterus is saying "Um, hello?! When's it my turn?" (I usually just laugh at my uterus and tell it in a evil, maniacal way "I planted a device that doesn't allow us to have kids. You will be childless until 2016! Muhahaha!" At that point my uterus stabs a knife in me and calls it cramps...... Annnnnyyyyyywhhhoo)

Two years old, bajesus, where does the time go?! It just seems like yesterday when he was born. As creepy as this sounds, I can still remember his baby smell. I remember when he was first born and just all of a sudden there. He was a passive baby, even as a new born. He came out quiet, cried for a minute, stayed pretty quiet. I had a c-section, so after he came out they whisked him off for tests and food and such. My mom went with him, Victor stayed with me and assured me that Jude was fine. A couple of minutes went by, I knew Jude was fine with the nurses and Victor and I were just passing time with some of our witty banter. And then, all of a sudden, there was a baby in my face.

So many different thoughts went through my mind in a 1 second span. He didn't seem real. His face was to squished. He didn't look like he was breathing, but to me babies never look like their breathing. As far as I could tell, he was sleeping. I literally thought to my self "This really would be my child if he the first thing he chooses to do in the life is sleep". Despite all that going through my head, I spoke.

"Oh! Hello! Your here"

He opened his eyes and gave my face a quick look over, as if to say "huh? Oh yeah, I know you. Ok, back to sleep". From there he was passed around to Victor, my mom, different nurses for tests. I didn't get to really hold him until I went to recovery. Everyone kept telling me that holding a new born was like holding a loaf of bread. Incase anyone was wondering, holding a 10 pound baby is nothing like a holding a loaf of bread. I can still remember feeling the weight of him in my arms for the first time. 

Baby nostalgia I guess.

Victor and I have a visit coming up in October. We found a book we would really like to get him for his birthday. I thought of maybe an art project as well, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to pull it off before his birthday. Unfortunately due to being broke college students this year, Victor and I can't get Jude anything big this year. Its a bummer for us because we love making him something big for his birthday. Maybe for christmas we will do something, but for now it's just the book. 

I plan on making a small treat, like cupcakes or cookies for the visit. It should just be Victor and I. I'm hoping we go to aquarium, mainly because I want to go to the aquarium really bad, but I think Jude would have a good time too. But I would be fine with the beach, Happy Hallow Zoo, SF Zoo, or even a near by park or activity center. I don't really have much planned other than enjoy what ever new tricks Jude has learned, get as many pictures as possible, maybe have Victor get close enough to Jude so they can fist bump, and have a great time with Katie and Greg. 

I'm stuck trying to figure out what I'm going to make. Victor and I aren't a huge fan of giving Jude sugar. For his first birthday I tried to make his cupcakes as sugar-free as possible. This time I'm thinking cake pops with a light frosting, cookies, german pancakes (I think thats the name of what I'm thinking of), maybe a chocolate covered fruit of some kind. I'll play around with some ideas, but if you guys have suggestions I would be happy to hear them. :)

I'm really excited to see Katie, Greg, and Jude again. I don't just miss Jude, I miss all of them. Three more weeks! :D

7/21/2012 Visit with Jude

 I finally got lazy enough and oddly motivated enough to write this. (Yeah, I'm an oxymoron, just deal with it.)

So this visit was by far the most drama filled. Originally, this visit was just supposed to be the kind of visit Victor and I wanted, which means just the two of us enjoying Jude, Katie, and Greg's company. I wanted a picture of all five of us and maybe a girls picture and a boys picture so I could hang them up at my new place. It was going to be simple and nice and as quiet as a 2 year old toddler could be.

Well that didn't happen.

We were all supposed to meet on july 21st. But then Greg had to attend a meeting that got changed to that day, and wanted to meet either later the 21st or 22nd. We decided the 21st because Victor and his family were leaving to go to San Diego the 22nd. Then Victor's parents changed their plans and decided to leave the 21st as well.
You see to pull this visit off with just the two of us, we kept Jude's visit a secret. Its not that we don't want other people to see him and his family, we just want them to our selves some times. However, we have a hard time saying no to our parents. They went through a rough time too when Victor and I gave him up, so saying no is almost like seeing them let go again. Hence, why we kept it a secret. How ever, to figure out what time Victor would be leaving for his trip, we knew we would need to tell his parents about the visit. No surprise, Victor's family wanted to see Jude.
Long story short, they changed their departure date to the 22nd and K,G, and J would come in later in the afternoon and have dinner with Victors bigger-than-normal family. How much bigger you ask? Well, there were

• Victor's Parent (2)
• Victor's Brothers (2)
• Victor's grandparents from Germany (2)
• Victor's grandma (1)
• Victor's two young cousins from Germany (2)

and of course

• Victor (1)
• Jude, Katie, and Greg (3)
• Me (1)

If you kept count thats 14 people coming to this dinner.

The plan was for Jude and his folks to stop  by my house for a bit and see my parents and my sister, Sarah, who hasn't seen him since he was born. I told her two weeks in advance when he was coming and trying to arrange it special just so she could see him. However, she decided her friends and the beach was more important, but that is a whole other selfish story. Greg also was informed at the last minute that his meeting would go longer than he thought and could not make it to our visit. Katie came with he cousin, Lily instead, which was totally great with me because I love meeting Katie and Greg's families.

I picked Victor up and brought him back to my house. Katie, Lily, and Jude had just arrived and were walking up my drive way when we pulled in. Jude looked just as blonde and pale as ever. Katie looked as amazing as ever, and Lily could have been her sister if I hadn't known any better. I gave Jude a big kiss on his fat whittle cheeks and hugged and shook hands with Katie and Lily. We went into the house and my mom and stepdad had there time with them. I still needed to do my hair, so I went into my room and worked on that.

Jude to me didn't look much different to me, maybe a little taller and his hair was cut, but nothing more. Then in my room I heard a little voice. Not like a squeak or anything, but a small child's voice. I went back into the living room where everyone was at and there was Jude, talking away. "Door" "Up" Doggy" "Agua" "Momma" Dadda" "Outside" "Inside" "Hot" "MMMM Good" "Let see (for let me see)" and "Lets go!" My bio son talks! Not only that but understands even more english and spanish words! Genius!

The best part though....

guys....

my bio son high fives AND...

fist bumps!

Yeah, he's awesome.

After my parents house, Victor, Katie, Lily, Jude and I stopped by Safeway to grab some diapers and wipes, then we went to Victor's parents house. Everyone greeted us at the door and from there is was a whirl wind of Russian and German accents and food.

Victor was the same as he is at all the visits. He kept his distance and didn't say much. Jude was so interested in him (maybe because Victor had worn a Tie-dye shirt that day), but he kept his distance, almost like he knew he should. Within the first 10 minutes of being with his family, he had to leave. Even if it is his own family, social situations of more than 5 people become stressful for him. So despite what he wanted to do, he needed to leave. He sent me a heart breaking text later saying "I miss you. I miss Jude. I wish I could have been a better father." I called him immediately and told him that he did the right thing by giving him up, and even though we didn't get the visit we wanted, his family got what they needed and I'm sure they were truly grateful for that.

And they were. Everyone had a camera out and took as many pictures as possible. Katie and Jude played on the trampoline in the back yard with Victor's youngest brother and his cousins. They were very good with him and Jude loved being able to fall and not get hurt. Lily and I chatted up Victor's family, took pictures, and guarded the edges of the trampoline. Jude hugged or fist bumped everyone there, even Victor's dog Sammy. He hugged Victor's Mom like 30 times and jumped and climbed all over anyone who would let him. Around 7pm he started to get cranky, but luckily Victor's parents have Netflix on demand and put on the only show he will watch, Yo Gabba Gabba.

(Side note: seriously though, WTF is up with that show??? Are the writes and designers on acid the whole time and just put what they see?! Idk, but if Jude loves it then I do too.)

He watched 4 episodes while we ate dinner and dessert and talked. Then he became cuddly and Katie and I traded sitting with him and snuggling with him. We all left by 9pm, waaayyy past Jude's bedtime, but he would sleep in the car. Katie and Lily dropped me off back at my house and we made unofficial plans for our next time to be the weekend before his birthday.

All in all, it was a great, but stressful visit. I guess the next thing that most birth parents and adoptive parents wonder is "Did you get sad?"

Well, that post of for next time.  

I swear I'm ok!

I'm just stressed with moving and such. I'm going to Humboldt in the fall and packing my room up and trying to find an apartment and making sure my transcripts are all in order and yeah......

But Jude, Katie, and Greg are coming for a visit on Saturday! YAY! I will be definitely be writing about that :)

Father's Day 2012

I know it’s not father’s day yet, well at least here in the U.S.A, I have one more day. Father’s day for me how ever isn’t a big deal. My dad only saw me once every two weeks and after I got pregnant I really decided that I didn’t want to be there. I love him and such, just not around him. I’m an out of sight out of mind kind of person. My Step dad is a nice enough man, he takes care of my mom, sister, and me and I also love him. We get him a gift and a card and celebrate it with him as well. However, he has 5 other biological kids to spend his day with. 

I forgot to send Greg a card, which is my bad, and I’ll just send him a pretty email card or a late real card. Then there is the other technical father person in my life, Victor.

Every time there is an opportunity for Victor to be involved in the adoption or have anything to do with Jude, I ask him straight up, “Do you want to do this?” “How would you feel about this?” “What do YOU want to do while this is happening?” and anything else that would apply to that situation. Victor’s aspergers makes social situations weird enough as it is, add in a kid, which while he likes Jude, is still a kid which makes things super uncomfortable for him. Plus if Jude screams, which I expect him to do, Victor’s hearing might be affected and he might, well as I call them, “have a fit”. This results in him being broody, moody, sulky, and an asshole. Victor knows his limits, lays them out for me and his expectations and what he wants.

So, I asked him about Father’s Day. I asked him: “Do you want to do anything?” No “Do you want a gift?” No “Ok, do you want to be acknowledged at all as a Father that day?” No. It was the answer I expected and I thought that was the end of that, but something weird happened. Victor suddenly became sad and removed. I could tell that he was off some how and I asked him if he was alright. At that moment we had arrived at Red Robin for dinner. He said we would talk about it later. 

Once we put our name in, we went outside to wait for an available table. After a couple of minutes and his mood was still the same. I asked him “Did I make you sad about Father’s day? I’m sorry” He said…(and I quote to the best of my memory)

“No, it wasn’t you. I just don’t think I’m worthy to be a part of father’s day. I just don’t feel like I …..deserve to be called a father. I don’t take care of him. I’m not there for him, and yeah, I don’t take care of him.”

My Heart Broke.

I had never heard anything so……sad, human, parental like, come from Victor. I almost cried right there and then. I honestly didn’t know what to say to that. Victor is a logical person. I could tell him to the moon and back that he is wrong and that while he doesn’t take care of him now, he took care of me when I was pregnant, took care of Jude in the hospital, made the RIGHT decision for Jude’s life, and does far more than what I expected for Jude now than I had ever thought.

So I just told him, that I think he is wrong, but I know he wouldn’t believe me.

Guys, my heart breaks for him.

I wish I could just show him that he’s wrong. He doesn’t have to celebrate father’s day if he doesn’t want to, but dammit he should know that he does count! He tries so hard every time we see Jude to be involved and get along with Katie and Greg. He wants to help me with every project I want to do for Jude. He wants to visit with Jude almost every single visit, despite the fact that originally he planned to not see Jude at all after he was placed. 

I just wish he saw what I saw. 

He broke my heart…again….but for an entirely different reason.

The Playlist: When Will My Life Begin Reprise 2 by Mandy Moore (from the Disney movie Tangled)

This is how I'm feeling right now about moving to Humboldt and hopefully how I will feel once I get there :)

College....decisions, decisions, decisions

Well, here I am staring my future right in the face and I have no flippin’ idea what to do. Here’s the sitch…

I applied to 5 schools, four of which I have heard back from, the last I wont know until June. All of which I applied for social work as my major, all schools far away from home (the closest being 6 hours away), and all schools I don’t give a rats ass about. I think I have ruled out 3 of the schools and I’m down to two choices. These were my 5 choices: CSU Humboldt, Portland State University, Eastern Washington University, Salem (Mass.) State University, and I still haven’t heard from University of Washington. I have narrowed it down to Humboldt and U of W. I officially accepted to Humboldt as like a back up school, but I don’t really know what I would do if I was accepted to U of W. My chances of that though are slim. I know freshman who had better grades and extra curricular activities than me who didn’t get in. It makes me think my chances are slim, but it was my “What the hell” school. 

The problem I have seem to found my self is I have now become aware of how lonely I will really be no matter where I go. I’ll be away from my family, my friends, Jude, and Victor. I’ve never been far away from Victor before, and quiet frankly its scary. I knew I would be away from my family and Jude, those were givens. My friends though, I didn’t really think about them. I don’t want to leave them yet. I’m also scared of leaving Jude, not because I don’t think he’ll be safe or whatever. Its really just because I don’t want to leave him. I don’t see him often, I know, but still I like knowing he’s only three or so hours away. Now, he will be at least 9 hours away:/

Is it fair to say I don’t want to make huge life decisions right now? I think I’ll become a college drop out, bum around Europe a while, and stalk Matt Smith and Daniel Radclift until one of them marry me (Or both in a perfect world). That should keep me there for a long time right? 

My Birth Mothers Day Outft

• My adoption rocks t-shirt
• My infinity necklace
• My charm necklace
• My adoption rocks livestrong-like bracelet
• My juicy couture charm bracelet

All meaningful things to me that some how represent Jude and/or the adoption :)