Guilt

I have an over sense of guilt. I feel guilty all the time. Some times its appropriate, sometimes its not, and sometimes (apparently) its cute. I feel guilty when I get sick and have to miss school and work, because I feel like I'm abandoning them. I feel guilty when I have to choose one thing over another and I know there is a winner and a loser. I feel guilty about a lot of things, including the adoption.

There were three big reasons why I gave Jude up for adoption:
1). It was the best choice that would give him the best possible life.
2). I wasn't ready to be a parent (in so many ways).
3). If I changed my mind, I would disappoint Katie, Greg, Matty, Victor, and probably many other people.

Knowing that I would disappoint Katie and Greg made me feel so bad. Every time I even thought about changing my mind, my stomach would start to hurt and guilt would take over. You would think that the guilt would end once the adoption was final, oh no. Thats too easy for me. Every once in a while I want to see Jude on a whim. I have two mandatory visits with Jude, one in February and one in october. There's a lot of time in between those two dates. I come close to asking them some times, but just before I start to feel guilty. The same guilt that haunted me when I was pregnant comes back when ever I want to ask for an unplanned visit. In the end I don't ask for a visit because I feel so bad. I feel like I'm disappointing them some how or making them upset and uncomfortable. Maybe by not taking that chance I'm learning to let go, but the guilt is some times unbearable.

I feel guilty that I couldn't take care of Jude. A mother should be able to take care of her son. She should be able to give him anything he would ever need and want. I couldn't do that, does that make me a failure as a mother? Further more, since I am a woman and one big "job" a woman has is having AND raising children, does that make me a failure as a woman (so far that is)? I feel guilty that I couldn't be there for all of his mile stones; rolling over, crawling, teeth, and first real foods. I feel guilty that I wont be there for future miles stones; walking, learning how to ride a bike, first day of school, graduating high school, and going to college. I feel guilty that he is never going to really have a chance to know Victor and I in depth. We are more than willing to share anything with him about us, but he will never really know us like he would have if we kept him.

I feel guilty about the people that were effected by me coming home pregnant. I feel bad that I had to move back home and inconvenience my parents, who thought they were on their way to empty nesters. I feel bad that I "ruined" my sisters senior year by being pregnant and by living at home. I'm guilty that I disappointed my dad and step mom to the point where they felt they needed to banned me from their house until I was no longer pregnant. I feel bad that Victor was stretched out thin between pregnant me, school, taking care of his family, and dealing with the adoption. I'm not much a stable person now, and he sticks by me and helps me through it anyway he can. He shouldn't have to do that. I should be able to fix my self , but I can't. So I feel bad for bringing him down with me.

I feel guilty that I feel so much guilt.

Sometimes these things don't bother me. sometimes I have other feelings towards these events and actions. I know, or at least I hope, some of these feelings of guilt will go away. The real question is when. The other is how. well, not really, I know that answer. You loose your guilt by forgiving your self. By realizing that some of these things are not your fault and that things happen. Some of it was your doing and some of it was not. There were only so much you could do and there were only a few options you could choose from. The choices that u you made have been made, there is nothing you can do about them now.

The best thing you can do now is forgive your self, make realizations about your self, and rediscover your self. In short "Learn, Live, Love."