Thats the big question in every birth mothers mind at one point or another. WHAT HAPPENS NEXT? What is my life going to be like? What am I going to be like?
There's this saying, "The past is history, the future's a mystery, and today is a gift. That's why its called the present." The future is a mystery. Boy, if that part doesn't ring more true then at that moment when your saying goodbye to your baby.
I had planned everything in my pregnancy, birth, and the time we spent in the hospital. I planned absolutely nothing for what would happen afterwards. Nothing. Zip. Nada. I didn't know what was going to happen the first second of the first minute after he left. I didn't know how to plan for that, I mean how could I? For all I know, I could become an emotional wreck on the verge of a psychological break-down or I could have been perfectly fine. I had no idea who I was going to become after he left.
I didn't cry. I couldn't. I was too numb. I was numb from signing the papers. I became even more numb after Victor left. He needed to go to school, so he left the hospital. I give him so much crap about this and make him feel HORRIBLY guilty about leaving me, but honestly I think I needed it. I needed to become distant and numb, otherwise I would have never let him go. My mom and my sister were bawling their eyes out, but I couldn't. When we got home, I got into my bed and looked around. No crib, no changing table, no diapers, no baby. It was wrong, all wrong. I broke down, I cried, screamed, and wailed. "I want my baby back!", empty words. I stayed in bed, watched TV, took Vicodin for the pain ( I had a C-section), watched my stepdad do his happy dance when the SF Giants won the world series, and slept.
At the very beginning, I thought the world ended. Doesn't everyone? I thought this is what I was going to become. Depressed, laying in bed, going no where with my life. Granted I didn't want to go anywhere, but still. This strange thing happened though; I believe they call it life.
The world kept spinning. Flowers bloomed, grass grew, babies were born (oh, poor choice of words), people died, and the days came and went. I don't know how it happened, but I slowly was becoming OK. I knew the moment it did happen though, My family and I went to the parade in the San Francisco for the Giants after they won the world series. I smiled, I laughed, I was excited, and I had fun. After all the depression and grief I had been through in the last couple of weeks, I could still have fun.
I didn't become all better in that moment. It was slow, and there are still moments where I know I have taken like a 100 steps backwards, but you do move forward with life. Its nothing like your old life, you will never get that back. You create a new normal, a new life. "YOU create" being the key words in that sentence.
A life just doesn't fall into your lap, you need to work for it. If you want to get a job, then start looking through the classifieds. Wanna go back to school, register. Just like in anything you ever want to do, you need to help your self.
I honestly can't tell you what comes next. Every situation is different and every one handles it differently. I can tell you though, that it does get better. I didn't believe it at first or maybe I just didn't want to believe it, but it does. A new normal will set in place and you will feel better. You just need to trust that you will, and be confident enough to be able to work for it.
So, what does comes next?
Well, What do you want to come next?
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