Representations

I have lots of things around my room and stuff that reminds me of Jude. It was bound to happen. “Real” moms have momentos of their babies, children, teenagers, adults. Mostly through pictures and drawings. Some have scrapbooks, left over baby clothes and blankets, old toys, and hospital papers. Over time though those things can be seen as junk because those moms have the memories and the actual experience to back those mementos up. Birth Moms, our representations and things that remind us of our kids and the adoption is all we have. Jude’s parents will get to see Jude take his first steps and always remember that moment. I, at best, will get a video of the moment. Which for me I’m happy with, ecstatic actually, but the memory I will have is opening my email and seeing that I have a new message from Greg with the video attached. Nothing special, very mundane actually because I check my email everyday. Its the small things that we find and have that make us feel like were involved some how. That make us feel connected to that baby we lost, with out being connected if that makes sense. 

The major one I have is a burping cloth that I stole from the hospital that Jude used a lot. 

I sleep with it every night. It never leaves my bed or inside of my pillow. I don’t take it anywhere because I want to preserve the smell of baby on it. I have never washed it and never will. I will always have this with me and remember the hospital nights I had him. I loved sitting him right on top of me or right next to me and we would watch TV. I would make the nurses come in and change DVDs out for me (hehe >:] ). When ever he got fussy and I had tried everything to make him better, I would just out him on top of my chest, rub his back, and sometimes sing “his” song. That cloth would be on my shoulder all the time in case he needed to burp and would spit up.

I love Juicy Couture! With a passion. I can’t fit into their clothes because I’m a real woman and have fat, but I love their jewelry. I have a charm bracelet with 4 charms on it (so far). 1 represents Victor, 1 represents my love for my sister, and 2 of them represent Jude. 

Jude has always been a good eater. He came out eating. Swear to god, he came out, they took his sugar levels and they were low, he was given a bottle. So he literally came out eating. He has been a good eater since. When he was first born though, he only cried when he wanted food. He would fuss for everything else, but it was a full on cry with tears and all for food. Every time he cried though, he snorted as well like a little piggy. I saw the flying pig in Juicy it was perfect. His wings were always represented the adoption. He needed to fly away and have a better life. His “wings” will hopefully take him on amazing journeys that I could have only imagined for him. The second charm is a little more obvious its a baby bottle with the word “baby” in blue. I got this represent this first year, a very hard and difficult year, hopefully the worse of the years to come. I am losing a baby and gaining a toddler soon. He’ll be one, and I am just amazed that the amount of time has gone by. My baby isn’t a baby anymore. Its a happy and sad fact, sad only because you begin to miss the baby stuff but happy in so many different ways.

I have a bunch of pictures. This is the nicest one I have. I blocked Jude’s face with the top of a Tiffany’s box.

Katie and Greg gave me this frame when Jude was born. I love it a lot. I have a couple of other pictures around my room. One of my mom and Jude and one of my mom, my sister, and me with Jude in my lap. I have a small wallet sized one in my planner that I got in a thanksgiving card of Jude grabbing his ear. Then my phone lock screen and background is a pictures of Jude. The lock screen is always a picture of Jude by him self and the background is always a picture of Jude and me.

The last thing I have is a scrapbook of pregnancy up to the last day in the hospital. I’ve got ultrasound pictures, 4-d ultrasound pictures, pictures of me when I was pregnant, many MANY pictures during the delivery and in the hospital, his hospital tags and mine, his clothes and hat from the hospital, his “birth” certificate, and the hospital papers with his foot prints on them. I put it together in a scrapbook way with fancy paper and stickers. I did it the first and second weeks I was out of the hospital and the adoption was fresh. It really helped me through the whole thing, gave me something to focus on.  

I love all of these things and the meaning they have for me. It’s ok to have things like this in life, even if your a birth mom. Just don’t become a pack rat, hoarder, or obsessive.