A Strange Ocurrence

A strange and cool thing happened while I was babysitting yesterday. A little back story on this family first.
I watched a 8-9 year old girl named Hannah* yesterday morning while her parents went out and ran in a race. I've know Hannah and her family since they moved in before Hannah was born. Hannah was adopted and from what I understand the family has a semi-open (or did have, I'm not sure what the situation is now) adoption. They had tried to adopt a second child but after 2 or 3 attempts that led to heart break, they gave up. They are a very nice couple and at first I considered them to adopt Jude. The declined though and said that they were too old to adopt a new born. It all worked out in the end though and they focused on other things in their life.
Hannah is a very smart and straight forward kind of girl. She likes sports, riding her bike, and other more typical girl things. It was 7am, so I wasn't in the best mood to be an active and fun loving baby sitter. Luckily for me, Hannah just wanted to sit around and watch a movie. Later we made some food, attempted to make pudding (that never set for some reason), and went out for a walk/bike ride. Some time during all of that, she turned to me and asked:
"So, who was Jude adopted to?"
I was really thrown off. Not many kids ask me questions like that. Mainly because not many kids that I watch know that I was pregnant. Also because they don't care, which is understandable because, duh, there just kids. Not only that, but I didn't really know that  Hannah knew about my whole  situation. I didn't want to drill her with questions on how she knew about Jude and such, so I just answered her question as simply as I could.
I didn't know that Hannah had knew about adoption. I didn't want to ask if she knew that she was adopted, because she might not have and then that would have been extremely bad. It's refreshing though to see a child be open and curious about things around them though, and its more refreshing for me to see a child interested in my adoption. Even if it was one question, its a question I like to answer and inform people about. I want to educate others on adoption and even my adoption experience if they want to know.
It was one question, but it meant a lot to me. 

Mother Wonder

So, in my last post I talked about the “What ifs” and said that the only thing I could possibly know about the future was what kind of mother I would be. Well, I have been thinking about that a lot lately for multiple reasons. One, my neighbor just had a baby a few days ago. Two, I’ve already started thinking about Jude’s birthday present. Three, I have a visit with Jude soon and that always makes me think of him more.

I thought I would share my views and thoughts on parenting with you lovely folks (because I know you all care so much). Really though, I’m doing this more for my self, so that when I’m like 30 and really do have my own kids, I can read this and either see that I stuck with my views or laugh at my younger naive self. 

Lets make some assumptions though because I have no REAL idea of how future me is going to be like. Lets assume that when I do have kids; I have no monetary limit and I have a supportive husband.

FURNITURE

I know I need to buy things like a crib, changing table, a swing, a stroller, and a car seat. But I hate the idea of buying something that doesn’t grow with the child and after a year I would need to get rid of it because its too small. I personally think its stupid. I would buy as much as possible with the ability to grow with the child. I’m not sure if I would want a crib, but like a small bed with a fence around it or something. I’d use a dresser with one of those padding used in a changing table on top or the floor.

There was this company that I found that I loved called Stokke. They make products that grow with the child, like their bed is made for birth until 10 yrs. old. Their high chair is made to last all stages of life, birth until death. Amazing, cool, and expensive, but if that crib/bed would last me 10 years then its worth it. Anything I couldn’t buy that would grow with the baby, I would buy second hand stuff. There is a wonderful world of Goodwill and Salvation Army out there, why not use them to full advantage?

BEHAVIOR

This covers everything from sleeping, eating, play time, scheduling, etc. I’m going to make this short and to the point because some of these we can go on and on about.

• Sleep - Baby sleeping in its own space. No Co-sleeping what so ever. I toss and turn and sleep on top pillows and it would just be bad. 
• Eating - Love meat, love veggies, love sugar, love fast food; In short I love food. I want to my children to love and experience food too. Not too much of the bad stuff and definitely try different cultures food
• Crying - I’m a big believer in babies cry for no reason some times. Letting them cry it out sometimes is, in my mind, is ok. I mean I wouldn’t do this for twenty minutes, but for five is reasonable. If i’m doing something like taking out the trash or taking a shower and the baby starts crying. I finish taking the trash out and I finish washing what ever I was washing, then go get the baby. 
• Scheduling - I want this baby/kid on a somewhat flexible schedule. I want it to become more strict as he/she gets older, but not too strict.

OTHER

• I am vaccinating my children.
• C-section and drugs all the way when it comes to child birth.
• I am sending them to day care, even if its for one day a week.
• I want to be a stay at home mom while they are in preK-5th grade, then go back to work after that.
• I will tell them, when their old enough and/or if Jude is in our lives, that Jude is their family and how he’s my birth son and all that.
• I think I would use both cloth and disposable diapers.

Now this is all assuming I’m at an appropriate age to have a kid and all my ducks are in a row, so to speak. If I would have kept Jude or had another baby now, things would be totally different. I would just need to get by with whatever I can. I would have to work most of my day, buy everything second hand, and not have much help from Victor. There are too many factors to determine how I would be. I only know one thing that I would definitely do as a teen parent.

If I was teen or young adult, like I am now, I would give up EVERYTHING and ALMOST any thing that would be something a typical teenager would do. As far as I’m concerned, being a teenager is a privilege and a relatively new one at that. I lost the privilege to go out and drink, do drugs (if I ever did do any), go out with friends randomly, and other teenage things, the moment the second pink line appeared. You can’t have the lifestyle of a teenager and a mom symotantiously. 

I love kids and definitely want at least one more in the near future, but for now I’m happy with the life I’m living. Lets see if ten years from now, if I still accept these parenting views or not.

Authors Note: In the famous words of India Arie “Don’t be offended, this is all my opinion, ain’t nothin’ that I’m saying law”. In other words, nothing I say is fact just my opinion. If you don’t like what I’m saying, you can stop reading.

The "What if" Factor

What if?

Its the big question in life. Trying to guess if the things you didn’t do are regrets or good choices. To a birth mom its a huge question.

What if I had kept my baby? 

Its a big thing to contemplate. I used to think about it all the time in the begging of the adoption and often during pregnancy. So many things to consider. So many things would change and be completely different. 

What If I had Kept Jude?

• What would my life be like?
• Would I be happy? Would Jude be happy?
• What kind of mom would I have been?
• How would Jude turn out with Victor and I as parents?
• What would Victor’s role be in our lives?
• Where would we have lived?
• What would my parents think?
• What would Victors parents think?
• Would I have been able to go to school?
• and the list goes on and on…..

I don’t think about this question as much anymore. It crosses my mind every once in a while, usually caused by a parenting tip or opinion I read somewhere. I can’t change the past, so why think about a life that doesn’t exist?

I can’t help but wonder though and I’m sure other Birth Moms do as well sometimes, What if? 

Ho Ho Holiday Emotions

So guess what….The holidays are here! No shit right? Seriously though, its a time for family, good will towards people, and giving and receiving. For me though, it means stress and family traditions. I’ve been super busy getting presents for everyone, wrapping them, and working. Then I have to worry about making sure I spend enough time with my moms family and my dads. On top of all that, Victor is in Germany until January 9th and any free time I have will be boring :/.

The holidays are always the worst when it comes to the adoption as well. Last year, the first christmas of the adoption, I was a wreck. I didn’t want to do anything and I spent any free time crying. I also semi-dramatically left christmas eve mass crying because I couldn’t handle my emotions.

This year, I have been handling everything pretty well. I sent Jude, Katie, and Greg’s gift off a few days ago and hopefully they will like them. I’ve been making my Nana a scrapbook of Jude’s pictures and hopefully soon, I will be working on Victors present (which is a stuffed animal of Rainbow Dash from My Little Pony: Friendship is magic, yes Victor is a Brony). There are only a few moments when I really wish I could see Jude, Katie, and Greg for the holidays.

Christmas time is a time for family traditions and sometimes I wish I could share those with Jude. Every Year my mom would buy us ordainments with the year on them. I wanted to try to do the same thing with Jude, so last year I bought Jude an ordainment. However this year I have been so busy with work and school that I forgot until just now…..literally as I was writing this *Face -> Palm*. I could try to put something together, but honestly maybe it is better that I let his actual parents buy him ordainments. I might send one every once in a while, but I think I need to let him and his family make their own traditions. 

Family get togethers are another hard one, but easy at the same time. I wish he was there and that everyone could see him, but at the same time I know my family…… its a good thing he isn’t around some of them.

The last thing is the fact that I don’t see him at all during the holidays. I honestly just didn’t think about it when we drew up the contract. So I just planned for his birthday and mine. But today I got asked if I was going to see him during the holidays. Its not a ridiculous question, in theory I should try to see Jude, Katie, and Greg for christmas what with them being family and all. But we have no plans to do so. I could ask Katie and Greg if they had some free time and meet them in the city next to their town, but I don’t even have time to go to Los Gatos, the town (and I shit you not) two minutes away from my house! Not only that, but what if they say no or I make them feel awkward? Could I handle the rejection of them saying No? I would feel horribly guilty if they agreed to seeing me but felt awkward for doing so. Its just a lot to think about.

I haven’t cried once though. I guess I’m just not sad anymore and that is so relieving in so many different ways. I hope Jude, Katie, and Greg have a wonderful Christmas and New Years together.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and New Years filled with love and happiness!

<3 

Secret Confession 1

I don’t really have anything to say this week so I thought I would post a secret to keep things interesting.

Here’s the first one…..

I sleep with one of Jude’s spit up rags every night. Some times I hold it, sometimes I just sleep with it under my pillow. It never leaves my bed though, and if any one sleeps in my bed for what ever reason, I put it some where else so that persons smell will not get to it. I have not and will not ever wash it.

The Playlist: Shake It Out by Florence + The Machine

I thought I would try a video this week for the hell of it. This song goes along with this weeks post. This is for those who have gone through the worse or is going through it and come out the other side a champion! We are strong! We are brave! and yes, we can make through.

Remember, it's always darkest before the dawn....

November: National Adoption Month! :D

Because its National Adoption Month, I thought I would post about how I talk about my adoption and how I try to inform people about adoption.

I talk about Jude and the adoption a lot in my life. Obviously I blog about him, I talk about him to my friends, Victor and I always talk about him, and I brag about him to my friends and employers. I don’t do just that though, when I can I try to inform others about adoption and if they ask my personal adoption experience.

I’ve had two informative speeches so far at school, I’ve done both of them on adoption/the adoption process. Both times I have I have used my self and Jude as an example of adoption. I got A’s on both of those presentations (yay me!). I love talking to people about adoption. I also would love to help people through the adoption process.

I’ve decided that I want to become an adoption social worker. My dream and what I really would want to do is create (own, direct, run, etc.) my own pregnant teen home place, except bigger. Like a camp area, with out the camping part of it. Does that make sense? Hopefully it does. I want to help other pregnant girls figure out that maybe adoption is the right choice for them and help them go through that process. If they change their minds in the end, that’s OK, I want to help them figure out what they need to do next.

I have this awesome plan inside my head, and for what ever reason the plan for the actual building is a cross between the Winchester Mystery House, The Cinderella Castle from Disneyland, and Hogwarts. I have no idea why, just is, but regaurdless it will be awesome and I will help people.

It would be super cool if I could write a book about my adoption experience, but I don’t think it would be very popular. Unfortunately, not many books on adoption experiences are popular. :/

I’m proud to say I’m a birth mom. I’m pretty sure Katie and Greg are happy to be adoptive parents. Hopefully, Jude will one day feel open enough to say he was adopted to a loving family. Its a triangle we create with love as the connectors.

Happy National Adoption Month Everyone!

To everyone apart of the adoption triangle; BE PROUD AND STAY AWESOME!

Representations

I have lots of things around my room and stuff that reminds me of Jude. It was bound to happen. “Real” moms have momentos of their babies, children, teenagers, adults. Mostly through pictures and drawings. Some have scrapbooks, left over baby clothes and blankets, old toys, and hospital papers. Over time though those things can be seen as junk because those moms have the memories and the actual experience to back those mementos up. Birth Moms, our representations and things that remind us of our kids and the adoption is all we have. Jude’s parents will get to see Jude take his first steps and always remember that moment. I, at best, will get a video of the moment. Which for me I’m happy with, ecstatic actually, but the memory I will have is opening my email and seeing that I have a new message from Greg with the video attached. Nothing special, very mundane actually because I check my email everyday. Its the small things that we find and have that make us feel like were involved some how. That make us feel connected to that baby we lost, with out being connected if that makes sense. 

The major one I have is a burping cloth that I stole from the hospital that Jude used a lot. 

I sleep with it every night. It never leaves my bed or inside of my pillow. I don’t take it anywhere because I want to preserve the smell of baby on it. I have never washed it and never will. I will always have this with me and remember the hospital nights I had him. I loved sitting him right on top of me or right next to me and we would watch TV. I would make the nurses come in and change DVDs out for me (hehe >:] ). When ever he got fussy and I had tried everything to make him better, I would just out him on top of my chest, rub his back, and sometimes sing “his” song. That cloth would be on my shoulder all the time in case he needed to burp and would spit up.

I love Juicy Couture! With a passion. I can’t fit into their clothes because I’m a real woman and have fat, but I love their jewelry. I have a charm bracelet with 4 charms on it (so far). 1 represents Victor, 1 represents my love for my sister, and 2 of them represent Jude. 

Jude has always been a good eater. He came out eating. Swear to god, he came out, they took his sugar levels and they were low, he was given a bottle. So he literally came out eating. He has been a good eater since. When he was first born though, he only cried when he wanted food. He would fuss for everything else, but it was a full on cry with tears and all for food. Every time he cried though, he snorted as well like a little piggy. I saw the flying pig in Juicy it was perfect. His wings were always represented the adoption. He needed to fly away and have a better life. His “wings” will hopefully take him on amazing journeys that I could have only imagined for him. The second charm is a little more obvious its a baby bottle with the word “baby” in blue. I got this represent this first year, a very hard and difficult year, hopefully the worse of the years to come. I am losing a baby and gaining a toddler soon. He’ll be one, and I am just amazed that the amount of time has gone by. My baby isn’t a baby anymore. Its a happy and sad fact, sad only because you begin to miss the baby stuff but happy in so many different ways.

I have a bunch of pictures. This is the nicest one I have. I blocked Jude’s face with the top of a Tiffany’s box.

Katie and Greg gave me this frame when Jude was born. I love it a lot. I have a couple of other pictures around my room. One of my mom and Jude and one of my mom, my sister, and me with Jude in my lap. I have a small wallet sized one in my planner that I got in a thanksgiving card of Jude grabbing his ear. Then my phone lock screen and background is a pictures of Jude. The lock screen is always a picture of Jude by him self and the background is always a picture of Jude and me.

The last thing I have is a scrapbook of pregnancy up to the last day in the hospital. I’ve got ultrasound pictures, 4-d ultrasound pictures, pictures of me when I was pregnant, many MANY pictures during the delivery and in the hospital, his hospital tags and mine, his clothes and hat from the hospital, his “birth” certificate, and the hospital papers with his foot prints on them. I put it together in a scrapbook way with fancy paper and stickers. I did it the first and second weeks I was out of the hospital and the adoption was fresh. It really helped me through the whole thing, gave me something to focus on.  

I love all of these things and the meaning they have for me. It’s ok to have things like this in life, even if your a birth mom. Just don’t become a pack rat, hoarder, or obsessive.

Toys, Gifts, and Presents

I love getting Jude presents. I love going through the toy isle of any store and wondering what toys Jude would be old enough for or would like. I put a lot of thought into his birthday and christmas presents. When ever I go on a trip, I wonder about what I should souvenir I should get him. Most of the time I don’t buy him anything. It’s mostly curiosity and me trying to think “what would he wear?” or “what would he play with?”

Many people this is a problem. My mom, my sister, Victor, and even Katie at one point had a problem. Katie thought by me giving him gifts it was like I was trying to “mother” him. I stopped getting him as many things after that. Everyone else was worried about how much (money, time, and effort) I was putting into his gifts.

I admit, I have a problem. I spend ALOT of money, time, and effort on Jude’s gifts. I can’t help it though.

1). I love shopping. I would go to the mall and buy every since thing and give it all to Goodwill. What Can I say? I believe in retail therapy and use it to full extent.

2). I wove wittle baby clothes and toys! <3 There so cute!

3). This is the big one, and there is not better way to say it. I’m trying to buy Jude’s future affection.

Its horrible and I know this, but its really one of the few roads I have to show Jude that I love him. From all the adoptions stories I’ve heard, adoptees sometimes grow up feeling abandoned and/or unwanted. I definitely don’t want Jude to feel that way and I will do anything to make sure he never does. Giving him expensive things, meaningful things, hand made things, cute things, and thoughtful things will hopefully show him that I care and that I love him.

Giving Jude those gift and the future gifts to come make me feel better. Like I’m doing something right by him (and I know that the whole giving him up in the first place is the right thing for him, but that was pre-adoption. I’m trying to do right by him in the post adoption). I hope this and the other ways I’m trying is the right thing to for him.

IN OTHER NEWS:

I have decided to get the Paramore album cover butterfly as my tattoo. I don’t know when or where (on my body) I’m getting it, but I am excited about it. I also have decided to do something else with the foot prints. I’m SUPER excited about this :)

"The Test"

When you give up a child for adoption, afterwards you do tell people that you had a baby and gave it up for adoption. With most adoptions these days being open adoptions and so society being more forgiving than 30 years ago, birth moms don’t have to hide there pregnancy and baby scandal. Because of this birth moms can choose to talk about their experiences to other people, which is a very good thing. The bad part is though, how will others react to your story.

Now typically, said birth mom is already a strong person (having given up her child and all) so if the person she tells reacts badly and puts shames her then she can handle it and rip them a new one. There is one area where this situation is much different expectation and the reaction matters drastically. It is commonly referred to as “TheTest”.

The Test is when a birth mom tells her story to a person who has the possibility of becoming some one special. Most commonly a potential boyfriend or girlfriend (depending on which way you swing). The reaction is carefully watched to determine if said person will continue to be in your life. React poorly and they’re gone for good. React positively and your in a birth moms good graces.

You simply can’t say “Wow! You did a really nice thing”, oh no. Granted you might be genuine when you say that, but we will be looking for more. Not only will we want to know in depth what you think about adoption, pregnancy, babies. We will be watching your body language when you talk about these things and we will continue to watch how you react when the subject comes up at different times. Until we fully trust that your feelings on the matter made clear. From there we will decide what to do.

As an example I will use a boy I’m currently interested in. When I first told him I was a birth mom, he reacted and said things that were common. “oh how cool.” and “it takes a really strong and selfless woman to do something like that”. Then I told him my story and he asked the FAQs of adoption. As time went on and I talked about the adoption and such he would offer advise, support, and even ask me more in-depth questions about the situation (showing me that he takes a genuine interest in that part of my life). The only part I have not been able to gage yet is his body language when he talks about these things because I have not met him in person yet. Overall though, his responses are positive and he honestly seems interested and supportive of my choices. He wants to be there for me when I’m going through my high and low points. At this point in time, I think I will keep him around. ;)

Now, some of you maybe wondering “Why is the test so important? And why is it so intense?”

It’s important because birth moms shouldn’t have to feel like they need to hide any part of their lives. If we can’t share our most intense moments in our lives to some one who “truly cares” about us, then what does that person really do for you and mean to you?

The Test is so intense because the process and the aftermath is Intense. Being pregnant, giving birth, and giving that baby up for adoption is going to leave some scars, emotional and physical (talk about stretch marks, Jude completely ruined my stomach and hips. Plus he was a C section.) The thing about scars is, no matter how hard you try, they never really disappear. That baby will always be a part of you in some way or another. Finding a person who truly tries to understand that, respect it, and be supportive of it is nothing short of a miracle.

This test is like any other. If you open your mind, heart, and ears and try your hardest, you should be able to pass it.

Katie's Mothers Day Gift

I painted a picture of Jude for Katie as her Mothers Day present. She loved it :)

Tangent: Essay Help!

I need help with this essay. Seventeen Magazine is doing a contest that I am going to enter. The topic is about what makes you amazing. I decided to write about the my choice to put my baby up for adoption. I need people's opinion on what they think of my essay and be honest. If the grammar is bad, something is spelled wrong, or if its just a bad essay. The restrictions are it has to be less than a 1000 characters including spaces. The essay right now is 993 characters with spaces. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS AND LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK! I really want to win or at least be in the top 4. Thank You and Enjoy my essay!

Last year I was a typical 19-year-old college student, until I found I was pregnant. I was young and still learning how to be an adult. I knew I would not be able to keep the baby. I had none of the necessities to take care of a baby and myself. My baby deserved the world and I couldn’t give it to him.

I am amazing because I decided to take the hard road and face challenges most young girls have never faced before. I continued with the pregnancy and gave my son up for adoption. It took me a while to find the perfect parents for my baby, but I did. We got a lawyer and set up an open adoption plan.

Our baby boy was born in October 2010. I get regular updates, pictures, and visitations. His parents give him more love and happiness then I could have ever hoped for. Giving him up was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I love him and miss him immensely, but I know he is in the right place. Being strong, brave, and selfless enough to do the right thing for my son is what makes me amazing.