The Playlist: I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz

Ok, so I just got this song like one day ago. I didn't really listen to it, but I like Jason Mraz a lot so I knew I would like this song. I just listened to it like a half an hour ago in the car, and (I shit you not) I was almost in tears. I was trying so hard not to cry because I was on my way to see Victor for the first time in a month and I didn't want him to see me like that.

So I held it together, but Oh My Goodness this song reminded me so much of the adoption! It reminded me of my feels during the adoption, my feelings now, and how much I wonder what kind of relationship Jude and I will have in the future. Its just like....Wow.

Its a love song some of the parts don't really apply, but overall its one of my new favorite songs. 

"I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz

Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmm ...

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

The Playlist: Shake It Out by Florence + The Machine

I thought I would try a video this week for the hell of it. This song goes along with this weeks post. This is for those who have gone through the worse or is going through it and come out the other side a champion! We are strong! We are brave! and yes, we can make through.

Remember, it's always darkest before the dawn....

The Playlist: Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie

I know this song isn't about adoption and it isn't on my playlist yet, but it will be today. This song is about moving on and going on with your life, even if you don't really want to. Sometimes it just needs to be done, so that one day you can have peace and know you lived your life to achieve personal happiness.

"Big Girls Don't Cry"

Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS]

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be my Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]

La Da Da Da Da Da 

The Playlist: Broken by Lifehouse

I feel a little down today because I have to spend a HUGE amount of time with people I’m not to fond of and this song has always hit the spot on days like this. Its always seemed a little hopeful to me and in an adoption process, hope is a good thing to have in an adoption. On all sides




"Broken"

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The Playlist: Stop & Stare by OneRepublic

I really think this song touches on what I think ALOT about after the adoption; moving on without moving on. I know life goes on, and to some extent I want my life to go on. I want to transfer to a different school, get a degree, fall in love, get married, and the whole cliched sha-bang. to some extent I don't, I just want to be able to stare at the pictures of little Jude's blue eyes forever and just do nothing but miss him. When I'm in that mood, its hard to take that step into the unknown area of moving on. Sometimes though, it's what needs to be done. Whether you want it to or not. 


(Advise: Try to find an acoustic version of this song. I personally think it sounds better than a full  band version.)


"Stop & Stare" by OneRepublic

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shaking off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see

They're trying to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
Something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need

What you need, what you need...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do you see what I see...

The Playlist: Father and Daughter by Paul Simon

With Fathers Day coming up I thought this was the perfect song. I first heard this song in The Wild Thornberry's Movie. I honestly just liked the tune and listen to it every once in a while. Now I know I have a son and that I'm not a father, but the lyrics he sings run true for any parent. But since it is directed more towards Fathers, I'm using it for Fathers Day. I'm thankful for Greg, Jude's adoptive dad, for being the most amazing father to my son. I couldn't have imagined any one better to be a father to Jude. I'm thankful for my dad, stepdad, grandpa, uncles, and older brothers for being in my life. I'm thankful for Victor for making a choice as a father to do what is right for his son, even though it was very hard.

I hope you all have a wonderful Father's Day.


"Father And Daughter" By Paul Simon

If you leap awake in the mirror of a bad dream
And for a fraction of a second you can't remember where you are
Just open your window and follow your memory upstream
To the meadow in the mountain where we counted every falling star

I believe a light that shines on you will shine on you forever
And though I can't guarantee there's nothing scary hiding under your bed
I'm gonna stand guard like a postcard of a Golden Retriever
And never leave 'til I leave you with a sweet dream in your head

[Chorus:]
I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you

Trust your intuition
It's just like goin' fishin'
You cast your line and hope you get a bite
But you don't need to waste your time
Worryin' about the market place
Try to help the human race
Struggling to survive its harshest night

[Chorus 2x]

The Playlist: Fireflies by Owl City

This song made me feel better when I was nauseous and tired in my first trimester, which was all the time. Every time this song came on all of my symptoms would disappear and when the song ended they all came back. I swear it was because Jude liked the song. So for a short time I called him my fire fly. 



"Fireflies"

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave tear drops everywhere
You'd think me rude but I would just stand and
Stare

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns, slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems

Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
A sock hop beneath my bed
The disco ball is just hanging by a thread
(Thread, thread...)

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns, slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems
(When I fall asleep)

Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep?
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep
(Ha-ha)

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell
(Said farewell)
But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar
(Jar, jar, jar...)

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns, slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems
(When I fall asleep)
[x2]

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns, slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams 

The Playlist: Where I Stood by Missy Higgins

I'm pretty sure this is another love song, but the chorus and some of the lines ring true to me. Ultimately I see it as me choosing to leave, so that Jude can have a mom that will make him happier than I ever could. It is called "Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins.




I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head
A little voice is whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found my self listening

'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more then I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you aren't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me then any one I've ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself
And so I say to you, this is what I have to do.

'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
She who dares to stand where I stood.

The Playlist: Goodbye by Avril Lavigne

For those of you who don't know, I LOVE my iPod. On the list of things that I need to live in this world, it comes second on the list. On my computer, on my iPhone, and of course on my iPod I have a playlist filled with song that remind me of Jude. Their songs that were popular during my pregnancy, songs that make me think of jude, songs that have the same feelings that I feel or felt, and songs that remind me of my childhood.

Music has always be very therapeutic for me. Either by giving me a release from the world or just having some one else say the words I feel for me because I can't. Sometimes listening to the songs make me cry, reminding me of what I lost and how much I miss Jude. Most of the time though they remind me of what I do have and how much I love Jude.

So I thought I would start posting the lyrics to songs I run by that mean something to me, make me think of  Jude, and are or will be on my Jude playlist.

I'm starting off with a song I just found. I love Avril Lavigne, always have. I think she has unique voice and a unique style. "Goodbye" is off her newest album "Goodbye Lullaby" and I found it the week it came out. My interpretation of the song is she's singing about some one she loves and has has to leave him.

"Goodbye" by Avril Lavigne

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye my love
I can't hide, can't hide, can't hide what has come

I have to go.
I have to go.
I have to go,
and leave you alone,
but always know,
Always know,
Always know that I love you so.
I love you so.
I love you so.

Goodbye brown eyes.
Goodbye for now.
Goodbye sunshine.
take care of yourself.

I have to go.
I have to go.
I have to go,
and leave you alone,
but always know.
Always know.
Always know,
that I love you so I love you so.
oh
I love you so.
ohhh

La-lullaby distract me with your eyes.
La-lullaby
La-lullaby help me sleep tonight.
La-lullaby
(la-lullaby)
La-lullaby

I have to go.
I have to go.
I have to go and leave you alone.
But always know,
Always know,
Always know that I love you so.
I love you so.
I love you so.
Ohhhhhh
I love you so.
I love you so.
I love you so.
I love you so.

Goodbye brown eyes,
Goodbye my love.