Altruism

Before I get started this week, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that helped me with my essay for Seventeen Magazine. I received a lot of help and I think the essay was written to the best of my abilities. I'll find out if I was selected as a Finalist or not around the end of May maybe beginning of June. I pretty much assume of I don't hear anything by mid-june I didn't win. Anyway, Thank You again. :)

I was up in the air about what to talk about this week. I figured I would talk about how to deal with people who don't support you because I'm spending the next 4 days with the one of the few people who still doesn't support my decisions, my dad. I decided to change that though, a discussion came up in my anthropology class that almost brought me to tears.

I'm taking physical anthropology this quarter. It fulfills my science requirement and it seemed easy. My teacher is a cool guy. His name in Kenya, He jokes all the time and sparks interesting conversations. Today we were talking about natural selection and other evolutionary processes that effect variation. One of the processes we talked about was survival of the fittest and the arguments against it. The first argument against it is altruism.

He told us that altruism is very rare and not common. When we do a nice or kind thing for another we also do something that benefits us. Of course every one in the class in the class is like "No way thats not true. We can think of multiple things that are altruistic." His response was "Ok, give me examples. In fact, If you can give me one example of altruism I'll give you 20 points extra credit." A lot of hands went up after that.

I sat in my seat in the back. I debated whether I should tell everyone that I gave Jude up for adoption. That was altruistic. Everyone keeps telling me that its the kindness thing I've ever done, that I'm amazing, and how blessed Katie and Greg must be to have found me. I made a personal sacrifice to do what's better for my son. I held back though, because in this class I find that I am rarely right. So I just listened to others first.

The first guy raises his hand. "I give blood often." Kenya says "You give blood so others can live. Do they give you juice afterwards?"
"Yes"
"Do you take the juice and drink it?"
"Yes"
"There you go. You got something out of it."

The next guy raises his hand. "I was a solider and would take bombs off of cars and buildings and make sure no one would get hurt."
"Hmmm. Did you get paid?"
"Yes, but I didn't do it for the money"
"But you did get paid. You took the money."
"I don't plan on using it."
"Doesn't matter. You still took it."

The last guy raises his hand. "A few years back I saved my friend's life. He was drowning and I jumped in and saved him."
"Wow, see I would never do that. Never, never. You know why?"
"Why?"
"I can't swim. So you saved your friend? You jumped in risking your own life to save your friends life. Did he remained your friend?"
"Yes"
"You know what they say 'A friend in need is a friend in deed'. When we do something for our friends we expect something back. Whether it be acknowledgement, return of affection, or even presents. We expect our feelings or whatever to be returned. Otherwise they wouldn't be our friends. Altruism is rare in our world. We confuse altruism with reciprocal altruism. We always do it for our own selfish reason."

The class kept the discussion going while Kenya got into how children treat their parents the worse out of all people in the world. I sat there with thoughts rolling around in my head. If no act of kindness is actually an act of kindness and that we do things for selfish reasons, what did that mean about the adoption? Was I selfish in giving him up? My intentions weren't to do the best thing for him, but to do the best things for me? I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I hate crying in public so I fought real hard to keep them from coming. I can't stand the idea that the adoption was for MY benefit. If it were for my benefit then I would feel better about the whole thing. I wouldn't miss him or want pictures or want to see him. How could someone call me selfish?!

"What about adoption?" I turned to the boy that asked the question. He was on the other side of class a few rows ahead of me. I had hope.

Kenya looked over at him. "Adoption, taking a child that doesn't have your genetic material and raising them as their own. That is the closes thing to altruism, but not completely." I had more hope, but which side was the altruistic side, the birth parents, adoptive parents, or both? I had to know, even though I didn't want to know. So I asked him and he said the adoptive parents were the closes to altruism. I stood there for a few seconds. I couldn't say anything because if I did I would start crying, and I didn't want to do that in front of my teacher. So I gave him a half-assed smile and left.

At first it was all emotion. I couldn't believe that I was selfish. I didn't want to think I was selfish. Then I tried to look at the reason behind it. I guess in a logical sense I am selfish. I took stuff from Katie and Greg, Natty, and other people as gifts. I still take gifts from people. I have a life and I'm not tied down by motherhood.

My hope is that Jude will never think that I did this for selfish reasons. I may not be altruistic, but I'm not selfish. If I were selfish, Katie and Greg wouldn't have a baby right now. I did not give up Jude for selfish reasons. I know I know that, but I'm worried about what other people think. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. I'm especially worried about what Katie, Greg, and eventually Jude think of me.

I don't want them to think that I'm selfish.

The Playlist: Where I Stood by Missy Higgins

I'm pretty sure this is another love song, but the chorus and some of the lines ring true to me. Ultimately I see it as me choosing to leave, so that Jude can have a mom that will make him happier than I ever could. It is called "Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins.




I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head
A little voice is whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found my self listening

'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more then I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you aren't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me then any one I've ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself
And so I say to you, this is what I have to do.

'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
She who dares to stand where I stood.

Updates: The Mixed Bag

In an open adoption, the main thing that makes up the open part is updates. A picture and a letter of how the child is doing is what an update entails. They come at intervals if you set it up that way or when ever the adoptive parents give it to you or if you ask for one.

I didn't set up intervals that are backed legally. I just told Katie and Greg to send them every so often. In the beginning I asked for every threw weeks, because babies change so quickly. It didn't work out that way though, life got too busy for both of us. Now, I figured every few months and they lessen over time.

Normally I love updates. I get new pictures, I hear about how he's doing and get to brag to my friends, and all my questions I've been thinking about get answered. I received his six month update this week. I got a couple new pictures. I learned what he's doing right now in development, his temperament, what he looks like and weights, and even likes and dislikes. He has likes and dislikes. I plan to brag about him later to my friends. I don't really feel like it now. All of my questions were answered; I know that he can roll over, he is eating baby food now, his hair is blonde and his eyes still blue like I wished all pregnancy they would be, and he's still a very happy boy. Its everything I asked for and everything I wanted. I was so happy.

Yet I found my self falling to the floor and bawling my eyes out. It was very dramatic. I don't know why. It might have been because I had a bad nights sleep the night before. It could have been because I was already in a terrible mood because of yet another fight with Victor. It could have been because I hadn't heard from them in 2 months and now all of a sudden a sign of life. What ever the reason was, I found my self in tears on my bedroom floor.

All the thoughts that I had when I first gave him up came flooding back. I'm not proud of these thoughts or the feelings I had. They usually consisted of three things: How much I missed him, How much I wanted him back, and How much my life was not worth living. 

Let me make this clear, I am an all bark no bite kind of person. I only talk big, I don't act big. I spent a good portion of my first two months of postpartum begging Victor to let me ask for him back knowing full well that even if he said yes, I wouldn't do it. Jude was happier there and I could never disappoint Katie and Greg like that. No one deserves to have happiness given to them and taken away just as quickly. I would also never commit suicide. Not to say I haven't tried, because I have. The thought has crossed my mind multiple times, more so after I gave up Jude, but I could never do it. Death scares me too much. I've read horror stories of women who gave up their children for an open adoption and once the adoption was final the adoptive parents close the open part of the adoption, and the birth mother commits suicide shortly afterwards. When I hear these stories I think two things: 1). I seriously hope the child of said adoption family grows up to hate his mom and dad. These people are, in my opinion, the worst kind of people imaginable and they piss me off to no end. 2). The birth mothers did an sad and bad thing, but I can understand it. There were days when I felt my life wasn't worth living with out Jude. They were all in the beginning though.

Here I am, six months later, going like two hundred steps backwards, feeling like I was the day I left the hospital. Updates are supposed to make me happy! I get confirmation that he's happy, healthy, developing at the right pace, and growing up! I get pictures! I LOVE pictures!

So do I feel like I'm loosing him all over again?

Updates are a good thing. I would go absolutely crazy if I had no idea where he was, what he was doing, and not knowing what he looks like. I've cried opening the other updates as well, this just so happens to be a special case (trust me, this is does not happen everyday). Like most things though, you need to take the good with the bad. They make me miss him even more and if its been a while, my patience is really tested waiting for a new one. For me the good always weighs out the bad. 

Maybe it gets easier over time. 

Tangent: Essay Help!

I need help with this essay. Seventeen Magazine is doing a contest that I am going to enter. The topic is about what makes you amazing. I decided to write about the my choice to put my baby up for adoption. I need people's opinion on what they think of my essay and be honest. If the grammar is bad, something is spelled wrong, or if its just a bad essay. The restrictions are it has to be less than a 1000 characters including spaces. The essay right now is 993 characters with spaces. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS AND LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK! I really want to win or at least be in the top 4. Thank You and Enjoy my essay!

Last year I was a typical 19-year-old college student, until I found I was pregnant. I was young and still learning how to be an adult. I knew I would not be able to keep the baby. I had none of the necessities to take care of a baby and myself. My baby deserved the world and I couldn’t give it to him.

I am amazing because I decided to take the hard road and face challenges most young girls have never faced before. I continued with the pregnancy and gave my son up for adoption. It took me a while to find the perfect parents for my baby, but I did. We got a lawyer and set up an open adoption plan.

Our baby boy was born in October 2010. I get regular updates, pictures, and visitations. His parents give him more love and happiness then I could have ever hoped for. Giving him up was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I love him and miss him immensely, but I know he is in the right place. Being strong, brave, and selfless enough to do the right thing for my son is what makes me amazing.

Support: The Birthfather

I thought this week I would talk about the birthfather this week since I am royally pissed off at Jude's birthfather at this moment in time. The argument is not adoption related, so I wont go into detail about it. This argument we had has led me to rethinking our entire "relationship" and think back to everything we went threw together, including the pregnancy and adoption.

Birth fathers can be a really good support system. There the other half of the whole you grow while your pregnant. They can be there for you when other's can't and help with the decision making.

I think talking about birth dad's and their roles in this whole process because I find a lot of women have a very skewed idea about it. Now, every man, woman, and relationship is different so don't take what I say as fact. I've noticed (through TV shows [like Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant], books, internet pages, other blogs and my own experience) that women who become pregnant in a situation that is less than the social norm have either very high expectations or very low expectations of how the birthfather will be involved from that point on. I find that the one's who had high expectations for their guy were highly disappointed in the end. For example, take most of the dads on MTV'S 16 and pregnant. I think that most of those "men" are complete immature losers and I have never met anyone who has disagreed with me. Yet, all of those girls expect the guys to marry them, move in with them, or at least be a huge help during the pregnancy and after the baby is born. Most of those girls found themselves disappointed in the end. The girls with low expectations usually have reasons to have low expectations. The guys they got pregnant might be abusive, were a one night stand, or realize the person is a loser before they got pregnant. There expectations are usually met, but some are pleasantly surprised.

What is often forgotten is that when guys find out that their going to fathers, it changes them. It affects them. They are now the creator of a human being and are responsible for that human's well being for the rest of his life. IT IS A SCARY THOUGHT. The difference between men and women though, is how long that thought stays with them. Women are reminded everyday for 9 months of this thought. When we get huge, throw up, feel an internal kick, and eventually go into possibly many hours of labor those are all reminders. We create, take care of, are responsible for, and bring to life a human being. Men however, don't feel any of that. How can they? They don't need to carry a baby for nine months and then give birth. Men aren't naturally reminded that their responsible for a new person. For that reason and many others, some men choose to leave and not be involved. Others though, rise to the occasion. It all just depends on what kind of guy he is.

I'm not saying that if he is a loser don't be mad at him for being a loser. BE MAD! Cry, bitch, insult him, do what ever you want within legal limits. All I'm saying is that when it comes to people, especially the birth father, don't expect . . . well don't expect anything. Having high or low expectations in an adoption is only going to make things harder. The adoption was a day by day thing with me, no matter what and who I was dealing with. One day I would be happy with my decision, the next I would cry over it; Some days I hated being pregnant, others I would love being pregnant. With Victor, Jude's biological father, it was the same way.

Let me tell you about Victor first, because he's not what you would call normal. Victor is average height, average weight, blue eyes, dark blonde/light brown hair, pale skin, looks like the average joe. Victor though has a kind of Autism known as Aspergers. Nothing is really wrong with him mentally, in fact its the opposite, he is incredibly smart. He would probably legally be considered a genius if he took the I.Q. test. What his Aspergers does effect is his social skills, not to a drastic level, but enough for it to be noticeable. He doesn't respond to social norms, empathy is a hard concept to grasp, and he uses reason before emotion. These are not bad things, but they do make things harder and more interesting.

I met Victor in 7th grade during science class. He was a new student and had walked in like he has been here as long as the rest of us had. The moment I saw him, I was done for. It was another month or two before I actually had a conversation with him. From that moment on we were inseparable. We dated on and off for 7 years, but in January 2010 ended it for good. He no longer loved me romantically, but didn't want to loose me as a friend. I was devastated and heart-broken. One month later, almost exactly I found out I was pregnant. Victor and I laugh about this little bit of irony now.

At first I had low expectations of Victor. I knew him pretty well and every bit of me said he was going to not be involved. He was busy all the time with school, homework, doing his grandmother's and parents bidding, working, and his friends. The fact that he had time for me while we were dating was nothing short of a miracle. Not only that but he hates kids, especially babies. Even pregnant women make him very nervous and the idea of me being pregnant would be ten times worse for him. All signs told me to not tell him and keep him out of the loop, but I couldn't. It wasn't fair to him and who was to make this choice for him? So after I hid the positive pregnancy test I went over to Victor's house and told him.

I was right about one thing, he freaked out all right, but it was worse than I imagined. He spent the first 10-20 minutes using every swear word imaginable in every room in the house. After he calmed down, I told him what I think needed to be decided first; his involvement. I would have to go to the doctor first to have the test confirmed, but I needed to know, no matter what the out come would be, if he was going to be there or not. Before I wanted him to make his decision, I told him what exactly what I wanted and expected out of his involvement. I didn't want some half-assed involvement with him. If he was going to be involved, then he was going to be INVOLVED. He would have to go to doctors appointments with me, any other appointments with me, and make decisions with me. It would have to be a full commitment to me, but we didn't have to get back together, get married, or anything along those lines. We talked everything out, he told me how he was feeling, I told him how I was feeling, and we even cracked a joke or two.

We talked and thought about this for about an hour or two. He went back and forth between being involved and not being involved, whether he could actually help in anyway or not, and if can actually commit to it all or not. I told him he didn't need to decide now, but he did need to decide soon. I went back to Monterey the next day. A few days later I went to the doctors, got a positive test result, and called Victor to tell him the news. That weekend, Victor came to visit me. Every time he visited me, we would sleep in the parking lot in front of my building in the back of his Suburu. We talked about his final decision. I reminded him  what being involved entailed and what the next steps would be if he chose to be involved. He told me that he wanted to do the right thing, and for him the right thing was staying with me and helping me with the pregnancy.

I couldn't have been more happier. He promised he would do the best he could, and he kept his promise. He went with me to as many doctors appointments as he could. He would visit me and make time to see me when I was home. He went to every adoption related appointment with me and kept me entertained. Sometimes he was more than happy to do something pregnancy related with me and other times making him do something pregnancy related with me was like pulling teeth. No matter what though, he was always there for me. The day I went to the hospital, he was there in the room with me. He visited everyday and spent the night one night. Even though he doesn't like babies, he would hold Jude for me with out complaining.

He wasn't perfect though, there were times where he would do something that annoyed me, he would have to miss an appointment because of school or an event, or because he wasn't spending enough time with me. The biggest disappointment was when he left right after the papers were signed the last day we had with Jude, the last day in the hospital. He didn't think it was a big deal, so he left and went to school. It still makes me sad to this day.

After everything though, he's still there for me. He listens when I cry, he offers to come with me on visitations (even though he doesn't really want to see Jude), and he gives me his opinion. The thing that I always seem to forget is that Victor's life changed too. Even though he's not as involved as I am or feels the same way about Jude and the adoption, he is still effected by the pregnancy and adoption. He never really says anything about his feelings, but the few times he does, you can see the pain on his face.

No matter how pissed off I do get at him, I will always be grateful for Victor being there when I needed him. I hope other birth moms that were lucky enough to have support from their partners are grateful to them as well. Birth dads do not need to be there if they don't want to be. If they are there then they deserve some credit.

The Things I Think About

Thursday
I'm sitting around a large wooden table in a conference room in Salinas. I drove through rain and wind to get here on time. I sit at the end of the table with six other women, two of them birth mothers, one of them an adult adoptee, one them is a birth mom and an adoptee, and the last two women run the meeting. Oddly enough all the birth moms there had sons, like me. They are all older than me, they lived in a different time and society had different views on adoption. They listen to me, the new-girl, explain how I feel, what has gone on since the last time we met, and share pictures. I listen to them say how it gets easier over time, how they dealt/deal with their feelings, their personal experiences, and how they're doing now. Their son's are grown, some with children of their own. The adoptees explain their feelings of anger, abandonment, and fear of meeting their biological parents.

I think about my own experience. I think about how Jude might feel when he's older. Will he hate me? Will he be angry with me for giving him up, for "abandoning" him? Will I be what he expects or wants me to be? I think about how much I miss him and his smile.

Friday
I'm sitting in a small room on a couch very low to the ground. I'm talking to my therapist, a petite woman with short hair. She listens to me bitch about my dad and amber and the recent trouble I've gotten in with them. I tell her about my pregnancy and my circle of support. I talk about my mom, Sarah, my friends, and Victor. We talk about school, the weather, and the small details of my life. I reflect on the life I lived, the life I did live, the life I could have lived, and the life I want to live.

I think about the life Jude could have had with me. I think about how we would have lived, the environment he would had grown up in, what I would have had to do to make sure we could live, and how his life would have been. I cry thinking about how grateful I am that I found Katie and Greg. I think about how much I miss him.

Saturday
I worked all day. I didn't have time to think deeply about Jude. At night, I pack for my three day trip. I fall asleep holding the hospital blanket I stole the day I left. It used to smell like him. It used to smell like newborn baby. I hold it, wishing it still smelled like him.

I think about how much I miss him.

Sunday
I watched snow fall. I drove to my family's condo in Tahoe alone. It was a long drive and my first time driving in snow. The condo hadn't changed since the last time I had been there. I get myself settled in and watch the snow fall.

I think about inviting Katie and Greg to come up with Jude one time. I think about if they'll teach him skiing or snowboarding. I think about the future he'll have that I wont see. I think about how much I miss him.

Monday
I took a tour of UNR. I watched people my age go to class, run fundraising booths for sororities and fraternities, hanging out in the dining commons with friends. All things I should be doing right now in my life. I went back to the condo and went out snowboarding the rest of the day. I rode the best I ever had in my life and ended up with the lower half of my face sunburned. I watched TV the rest of the night. I think about what my life was before I got pregnant.

I think about what I wish my life was like. I think about what my life would have been like if I had never gotten pregnant. I think about how it wouldn't have been the same. I think about how much I miss him.

Tuesday
I went out to my favorite breakfast place, cleaned the condo, and drove home all day. I looked at pictures of him when I got home and watched the short movie I made for him the last night I had him in the hospital. I cried for most of the day.

I think about if I'll ever be able to share my favorite and special places in the world. I think about the last few days and reflect what I thought about. I cry thinking about how much I miss him.



Every day is different. Every day I think about new things. One thing stays the same though. No matter what happens. No matter how happy, sad, angry I may be. No matter how far I travel. I will always think about how much I miss Jude, and more importantly, I will always think about how much I love him.

Mine, "Mine", MINE

I've been talking about Jude and the adoption a lot this past week. I had a project on adoption due this week and talked about my experience in class, I ended up telling some people in a different class that I was pregnant the previous quarter, and I saw an old friend that had knew I was pregnant last year. When I talk about Jude, show pictures of him, and explain who he is I always have to use the same two words that bother me the most; My and Mine.

I love bragging about Jude and how cute, smart, and over all how awesome he is. I love showing pictures of him and hearing how adorable he is. And I love talking about adoption, educating others about the process, and sharing my experience with others. However, I absolutely HATE having to say "This is my son Jude.", "I have/had a baby.", "He's mine.", or anything along those lines.

My and Mine; They used to be two extremely objective words. If something was yours, then its belonged to you. You might share it with some one else, but over all its yours. It's such an easy concept, its one of the first few concepts babies/toddlers learn. There's a whole phase that toddlers go through where they do nothing but say everything is theirs. I'm pretty sure its called the "Mine Phase".  Things are easy then, black and white. Yours and not yours.

I'm going to tell you all something about me that most people don't know about me. I have a really bad habit of not sharing things that I consider mine. I like to keep what is mine, MINE. I don't have a sharing problem. I'm very good at sharing things, just not the things I consider mine. The good news is there are a few things I consider mine. I will absolutely not (and never will) share. 1). My iPod 2). My Boyfriend (if I ever get another one) and 3). My personal space.

If any of you didn't notice, Jude doesn't make that list. He can't and never did. I love him more than anything else in the world, but he's not mine. And if he ever was, he isn't now. Heres the catch though, he is technically mine (at least thats what the birth certificate says). I acknowledge it, but I honestly hate saying it.

If I tell the whole story I don't feel as bad saying that he is mine. If a friend just sees a picture and is wondering who that is though, thats when it becomes difficult. Like I said, I love bragging about Jude, but guilt sweeps over me when I have to say he's mine. I always feel like I'm lying or that Katie and Greg can sense that I'm saying it and they'll resent me. They're not those kind of people and I could never see them becoming those people, but I'm a paranoid person and can't help thinking it.

This week I've had to tell numerous people about "my" son and the adoption. Half of it is my fault because of the project. The other half just happened to happen this week. Luckily for me, by Thursday it ended. As I drove home from school Thursday afternoon I came to realize that My and Mine were not objective, they were subjective.

Mine is in the eye of the beholder. For instance, take the Palestinian's and Israeli's. Israeli's claims that Israel is their homeland and rightfully belongs to them, but so do the Palestinians. It's all subjective, just depends on how you look at it. Some people look at Jude and think of him as mine. Other's look at Jude and see him as Katie and Greg's. The law says that he is Katie and Greg's. His medical records will say that he's mine. I think that what really is important is what I think. Katie and Greg were always his parents, he has always belonged to them. He will always be "my" son, but he was never mine.

 

The Playlist: Goodbye by Avril Lavigne

For those of you who don't know, I LOVE my iPod. On the list of things that I need to live in this world, it comes second on the list. On my computer, on my iPhone, and of course on my iPod I have a playlist filled with song that remind me of Jude. Their songs that were popular during my pregnancy, songs that make me think of jude, songs that have the same feelings that I feel or felt, and songs that remind me of my childhood.

Music has always be very therapeutic for me. Either by giving me a release from the world or just having some one else say the words I feel for me because I can't. Sometimes listening to the songs make me cry, reminding me of what I lost and how much I miss Jude. Most of the time though they remind me of what I do have and how much I love Jude.

So I thought I would start posting the lyrics to songs I run by that mean something to me, make me think of  Jude, and are or will be on my Jude playlist.

I'm starting off with a song I just found. I love Avril Lavigne, always have. I think she has unique voice and a unique style. "Goodbye" is off her newest album "Goodbye Lullaby" and I found it the week it came out. My interpretation of the song is she's singing about some one she loves and has has to leave him.

"Goodbye" by Avril Lavigne

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye my love
I can't hide, can't hide, can't hide what has come

I have to go.
I have to go.
I have to go,
and leave you alone,
but always know,
Always know,
Always know that I love you so.
I love you so.
I love you so.

Goodbye brown eyes.
Goodbye for now.
Goodbye sunshine.
take care of yourself.

I have to go.
I have to go.
I have to go,
and leave you alone,
but always know.
Always know.
Always know,
that I love you so I love you so.
oh
I love you so.
ohhh

La-lullaby distract me with your eyes.
La-lullaby
La-lullaby help me sleep tonight.
La-lullaby
(la-lullaby)
La-lullaby

I have to go.
I have to go.
I have to go and leave you alone.
But always know,
Always know,
Always know that I love you so.
I love you so.
I love you so.
Ohhhhhh
I love you so.
I love you so.
I love you so.
I love you so.

Goodbye brown eyes,
Goodbye my love.

Support in Breif

I've been thinking a lot about support these days. Where it comes from, what kinds, and the support I received and I didn't receive. There things that were objective, things that everyone needs. Financial support, health, food, a place to stay these are all things everyone needs; pregnant or not. Subjectively, women planning on giving up their babies and adoptive parents as well, need emotional support. I say its subjective because every person is different. Some need more emotional support than others and some need less. Unfortunately not every girl receives emotional support, standard support, or both.

I was lucky enough to have a supportive family (mostly), partner, and friends who helped anyway they could. I was covered by my step dad's insurance, my parents let me move back home with them after my first year of college was over (and even now), Katie, Greg, Natty, and many others helped me out with clothes (either buying me new ones or giving me hand-me-downs), and I found a part time jobs babysitting (ironic I know) to pay for other expenses. My standard support system was set and sturdy.

My emotional support was iffy, because in some areas it was better than other areas. I received huge amounts of support from my mom and Victor. They were my rocks and I wouldn't have made it through this process with out them. Sara was supportive, but it was (and still is) her senior year and had a life of her own going on. She came threw in the end though, when I needed her most. I had friends that always wanted to know how I was doing and would visit me. Victor was great at taking me out and going with me to places. I get bored very easily and when your pregnant your options on stuff to do is limited. He went with me almost everywhere; movies, the drive-in, the Renaissance Faire, the beach and anywhere else I wanted. Plus he was easy to talk to. We were always comfortable with each other and talk about everything. He was also, as awful as this sounds, was the person I could really yell at about stuff and cry with. I there were only two people who really didn't support me (or at least I felt like they didn't) and that was my dad and Amber. They had their own idea's of how I should have dealt with my pregnancy and decided to handle my situation with other people very poorly (at least in my opinion. You ask them and they'll tell you their doing the right thing).

Outside resources are a great way to get support. One on One therapy can certainly help. Just having some one listen to your problems that is a natural person. She doesn't have any connections or preferences with the adoptive parents or the birth parents. She is just a bystander hearing your side of the story and giving   Support groups are great if u can find them. I live in one of the most populated cities in Cali. and I can't find a single support group here. I do attend one in Salinas though (about an hour south of San Jose) and I love it. I was the youngest one there, and the only one with an open adoption. I may be the youngest there, but these women were my age once and thought the same things and felt the same feelings as me at one point or another. I value what they have to say and have so many different point of views on adoption, how to deal with their emotions, how to move on, and other things that I'm dealing with right now. Blogs, websites, forums, and chat rooms are another great source. Righting this blog has really helped me just say what I need to say. Sometimes I've got so many thoughts going on about Jude and the adoption as a whole I need to just tell someone. But sometimes the person you end up telling has different feelings on the subject, gets the wrong ideas, or is biased towards you or another person. Here I can just say what I want and need to say with out worrying about others. Be carful though, not all blogs and websites are pro-adoption and not all chat rooms and forums are filled with birth moms looking for support.

These support systems doesn't just come from other people though. YOU need to support yourself. If your depending on other people all the time thats how you'll live your life, and one day all those people you counted on wont be there any more and you wont know know how to take care of your self. Honestly, I don't know what I would have done with out my friends and family supporting me, but ultimately it was my own support that got me through. Telling myself (either out loud or in my head) "I can do this. I can do this. I can do this." got me through the last day at the hospital, the 30 days afterwards I could have changed my mind, the first and second visit, and it will probably get me threw other situations I'll face in the future. If you can't support your self, to have confidence in your self and your decisions, in one of the most important situations in your life, how can you support your self any other time in your life?

The Constant Reminders

I swear I think the world tries to find ways to rub in my face that I don't have a baby. When I was pregnant I didn't notice anyone else being pregnant, not even when I would go to my OGBYN. Maybe I was busy with the adoption and the constant changing of my life to notice any one else's, either way I didn't notice then. After I had Jude though, friggin' babies everywhere!

I know its a good thing (for the most part) that the population is growing and I'm all for babies. Love them! Think there adorable and cute! I hate though, that I'm constantly reminded that I had one and gave one up. Not to say that I regret my decision, God no, he's so much better off and very happy where he is. I feel like other people rub there happiness in there face and their smiles say "Look at what your missing out on. This is so much fun and its so easy". Now, I'm a smart person. I know its not easy, if it was easy everyone would keep there kids. Sometimes though, when I look at the new babies and the young babies in a store or hear about how Jude is growing, I wonder what I'm missing. And when I try to shake the idea and try to get away from places with babies, more babies appear!

There everywhere!! The mall, grocery stores, theaters, even school! Babies, Babies, Babies! (Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!) There is never just one, if it was one person in the store with a baby I wouldn't care. I always happen to go on the days where everyone and their aunt is either pregnant or has a baby with them. I just get tired of seeing them. The more babies I see the more I think about Jude, the more I think about Jude the more I miss Jude, the more I miss Jude the sadder I become. This is not a cycle I enjoy being in.

The worse is the media. I'm seeing babies in all my shows I watch; Hellcats and One Tree Hill were on tonight. I just got into Hellcats and I used to watch One Tree Hill back when Chad Michael Murray was the main character; both of which have multiple baby issues (btw nobody tell me what happened in Hellcats, I didn't finish watching it. It got to dangerously filled with drama for my taste). Then there are shows that are just obviously filled with babies but are so popular you can't not watch them. My two favorite addictions: 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom 2. New 16 and Pregnant hasn't started yet, but I watch Teen Mom 2 religiously. I have different opinions of each of the girls and some of them are doing a great job and their doing what they should be doing, but a lot of them make me think two things. 1). "I could have done a way better job then her." and 2). "What made them more deserving to have and keep their kid than me?".

I hope those girls realize how lucky they really are, because some of us don't have the support or money to keep our babies. We're reminded of it everyday.