I Got A Visit!

Its true! Yesterday I saw Jude for the first time in 6 months exactly! It was some what unexpected because I had only gotten a weeks notice. The amount of joy I experienced though just knowing I was going to see him was indescribable. The down fall? I spent that week being extremely nervous and biting my nails until they bled. That’s OK though, cause I would risk a million ulcers and never having nails again if it meant I could see Jude.

The day came and I was freaking out. I had work in the morning, but I was free in the afternoon. I spent the rest of it worrying about what I should wear, how I should do my hair, and if I should paint my nails. My sister and my friend Hannah helped me figure all that out. (Dress, braids, and no nail polish in case you were wondering). Originally Victor, my mom, and my sister were going to come with me, but in the end Victor was the only person that came with me. 

First we went to Carls Jr. because Victor was hungry. Then we had to go to the apple store and drop off my mom’s computer to be fixed. I swear to god a million years passed by while I was waiting for the lady to take my information down. I practically ran out the apple store and Victor lagged behind. We met them in a coffee shop that was luckily right next to the apple store. They were right in front and Jude was eating food.

My biggest fear out of this meeting: Jude wouldn’t like me. I know people think “How can he not like you! He’s 10 months old he doesn’t know what he likes or doesn’t like.” Around 10 months though babies start to develop stranger anxiety and don’t like to be around people they don’t know. I know its nothing personal, but still. When I walked in, I sat down, said my hellos, smiled at him and he smiled right back. 

From there things became easier. We talked about how Jude is doing, how Katie and Greg are doing, and how Victor and I are doing. I made sure Victor was comfortable with everything and with Jude. We went down the street to a small park and watched him crawl around. I took as many pictures and video as possible. I even got to walk with him a few times (yes, he’s almost walking!) Before we left we took some official looking photos, which I love doing. They put him back in his stroller and I told him to be a good boy and that I love him. We walked together for a bit, then we parted ways. Victor and I went to Pizza My Heart afterwards and talked about the wonderful visit we had.

When I got home I uploaded my photos to facebook and just on my computer in general. I was looking them over with my mom, and she asked all the typical questions. “What’s he like?” “How are Katie and Greg?” “What does he like?” and then, she asked the question I get asked the most and I think people wonder about the most.

“Does it make you sad? To see him and then to see him leave all over again?”

My mom told me when I was little, that it took me more than a month to smile. When I was older I asked her why, she said “Well, honey I think you knew that you weren’t born into the easiest situation (which I wasn’t, unmarried parents who couldn’t stand each other and lots of other crazy family drama) and I think that you were just waiting to see if it was OK to be here.” Since then I figured that babies have some kind of intuition about life and their surroundings.

The day we left the hospital, we were taking some final pictures and Jude starts to smile. We were able to get one blurry picture of it, but its there. That was always my sign that Jude knew he was going to be OK and he was letting me know that everything is going to be fine. Every time I see him, he’s still smiling. He’s still letting me know that everything is alright. He’s happy, healthy, and his parents are making sure he stays that way.

So, the answer to the previous question is No. I am never sad to see him. I’m never sad when I have to leave him, because I always know that I will see him again. His smiles let me know that he’s happy and that I don’t need to worry about him. As long as he keeps smiling, I will always know that he is where he belongs and that he’s happy, healthy, and safe. 

In two months I have another visit, his birthday visit, and I can’t wait until I see his smile again. The smile that says “Hi Birth Mommy! Don’t worry, I’m Happy”

:)

I Wanna Thank

Every one who sent me kind words or postitive thoughts the other day when I had my crazy adoption nightmare. It wonderful to know that I have an amazing support system out there. 

Thank You My Friends. I Truly Appreciate It.

<3

I Think

I'm going to a bad place today. I had a horrible nightmare about the adoption last night and, quiet frankly, I'm scared.

The Playlist: Broken by Lifehouse

I feel a little down today because I have to spend a HUGE amount of time with people I’m not to fond of and this song has always hit the spot on days like this. Its always seemed a little hopeful to me and in an adoption process, hope is a good thing to have in an adoption. On all sides




"Broken"

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

Can't We All Just Get Along?

One would think that in adoption precess there are only a few people involved. How wrong they are. Ideally, it would just be you, the babies father (possibly), and the adoptive parents. Nope. Far from it. Every decision I made effected the baby, Victor, Katie and Greg, My parents, Victor’s parents, Katie’s and Greg’s Parents, the rest of my family, the rest of Victor’s family, the rest of Katie’s and Greg’s family, my friends, Victor’s friends, Katie’s and Greg’s friends, the doctor, the lawyer, and the list goes on and on.

The truth is, no matter how much you would like to think its no one’s business, everyone thinks it is there business. Nothing can be done about it, its human nature to be in everyones lives. It’s why Tumblr, Myspace, and Facebook do so well.

The real problem is with that many people involved, there are going to be different opinions and points of views shared. Which can result in arguments and angry exchanges. Trust me, its damn near impossible to keep everyone happy. 

Victor and I had to deal with a lot of peoples bull during the pregnancy. My dad kicked me out of “his” family while I was pregnant. My mom and sister couldn’t possibly understand how I could kept the baby through pregnancy. Victor’s parents wanted us to keep the baby and his mother practically begged me to do so. I agruement with one of my friends over my idea of the kind of parents I should look into for Jude; she valued money over love and I was the opposite. This continued on and on until the day Jude was born.

Oh, it doesn’t after the adoption ends either. There’s always something on one side or the other. My mom worries about me all the time because I’m sad about something having to do with the adoption. Sadly because of this, she has a bit of a negative out look on the adoption. My dad has always had a negative out look on the adoption. He refers to Jude as “Fresno”, a town near where Katie, Greg, and Jude live. He’ll say, “So…..How’s Fresno?” Yeah, I know. I’ve even gotten into a tiff or two with Katie via email because of things we say or want. 

The Solution: Do what you feel is right. Its the same thing that we have been doing for our selves and our babies from day one. We know what is the right thing to do for ourselves has been since day one, why should it change now. There will always be people in your life thinking they know better than you, and on occation they might. But in general, you are in control of your life and happiness. You can’t make everyone happy, but you can inform them that your incontrol of this situtation, not them. 

My mom only knows one side of the story, and I try to remind her of that fact. My dad is just a douche and one day I’ll tell him that. And while Katie and I have our differences, we want the same end goal; to do the best thing for Jude. 

Thats all I have ever wanted for Jude. I’m pretty sure thats what any mother wants for her children. I know that all of his birth family wants that for Jude as well, and when he is ready they are all waiting for him with big smiles and open arms. 

Why Oh Why Do I?

I'm sit here watching Julie and Julia, with Amy Adams and Meryl Streep on my first real day off in a long time. There's no one here but me, my dogs, my cats, and my fish. I watch Julie run back and forth trying to cook her way through the cookbook and blog about it. I watch Julia cook her way into fame. As I watch this movie, I can't help to think, why do they do it?

Why does Julie continue on with this blog even though it put her through many problems? Why does Julia cook and write her cook book when her life gets turned upside down every 2 years or so? Why do we do it bloggers with a purpose? Why do we write about our problems, thoughts, feelings, fears, and advice down for others to hear?

I used to think that I was writing this blog in order to help other birth moms and to show the other side of adoption. I didn't want other birth moms feeling alone, like I did and sometimes how I still do. Julia Child started to write her book as a favor to her friends. Julie Powell wrote hers ultimately out of spite and to prove she could write a blog, she just happened to choose a topic that she enjoyed.

These last few weeks I haven't been able to think of anything to write about, well nothing that would be an appropriate subject. I have been too busy with work, school, and drama with other people that I hadn't been able to dwell on any kind of pain or even just think about Jude in dept. I hate not writing because I feel like I'm letting others down. I hate talking about nothing though. There are some weeks though where I think, "WHY AM I DOING THIS? No one listens anyway."

This is one of those weeks. I'm feeling a little hope less in everything. I know the sun will shine again and my life will get better, but I seem to be a little blue. There's nothing in particular causing my color change, it just is. Its weeks like this I wish I could write, say my thoughts and feelings and such. Nothing comes out though, my motivation isn't there.

Until I hear (or read) this: "I love your blog. I'm a birth mother as well and I think you write very honestly and I can't wait to read more. Thank You :)"

So, Why do we write? Well, I can't speak for everyone, but I write for that reason above. I write for the others out there who don't feel alone anymore. I write in hopes of changing some one's point of view of a birth mother. Lastly, I write to save my self and will continue to do so.

I wanna thank every body who reads this blog. With out you, I would have only one reason to write and that is not enough for me. I hope I'm helping you in some way and that you continue to enjoy what comes.

Ugh

This is a short one this week. A lot of crappy drama that I didn't need or deserve but that's life. I just don't have much to say these days, as much as I don't like it. I haven't focused on Jude or the adoption in a while. There really isn't anything to focus on though. I haven't seen him, Katie, or Greg since February. I got a letter a month ago with some new pictures, and a few scarce ones on Facebook. I guess the over all lesson of these last few weeks is that life goes on. It can go on in a positive way or a negative way, like this week has been for me.

What really gets me is I have to factor in these other problems on top of all my feelings or what ever on the adoption. That part absolutely sucks. Honestly, its like "Really? I can't just focus on one or two problems in my life? Instead the world wants me to juggle 6 to 8 different problems? Fuck". I just wish some times that life was simple. Ha! I know crazy right? I guess the best thing to do with days or weeks like theses is just hope that you've hit rock bottom and the only place to go now is up.

The Playlist: Stop & Stare by OneRepublic

I really think this song touches on what I think ALOT about after the adoption; moving on without moving on. I know life goes on, and to some extent I want my life to go on. I want to transfer to a different school, get a degree, fall in love, get married, and the whole cliched sha-bang. to some extent I don't, I just want to be able to stare at the pictures of little Jude's blue eyes forever and just do nothing but miss him. When I'm in that mood, its hard to take that step into the unknown area of moving on. Sometimes though, it's what needs to be done. Whether you want it to or not. 


(Advise: Try to find an acoustic version of this song. I personally think it sounds better than a full  band version.)


"Stop & Stare" by OneRepublic

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shaking off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see

They're trying to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
Something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need

What you need, what you need...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do you see what I see...

Guilt

I have an over sense of guilt. I feel guilty all the time. Some times its appropriate, sometimes its not, and sometimes (apparently) its cute. I feel guilty when I get sick and have to miss school and work, because I feel like I'm abandoning them. I feel guilty when I have to choose one thing over another and I know there is a winner and a loser. I feel guilty about a lot of things, including the adoption.

There were three big reasons why I gave Jude up for adoption:
1). It was the best choice that would give him the best possible life.
2). I wasn't ready to be a parent (in so many ways).
3). If I changed my mind, I would disappoint Katie, Greg, Matty, Victor, and probably many other people.

Knowing that I would disappoint Katie and Greg made me feel so bad. Every time I even thought about changing my mind, my stomach would start to hurt and guilt would take over. You would think that the guilt would end once the adoption was final, oh no. Thats too easy for me. Every once in a while I want to see Jude on a whim. I have two mandatory visits with Jude, one in February and one in october. There's a lot of time in between those two dates. I come close to asking them some times, but just before I start to feel guilty. The same guilt that haunted me when I was pregnant comes back when ever I want to ask for an unplanned visit. In the end I don't ask for a visit because I feel so bad. I feel like I'm disappointing them some how or making them upset and uncomfortable. Maybe by not taking that chance I'm learning to let go, but the guilt is some times unbearable.

I feel guilty that I couldn't take care of Jude. A mother should be able to take care of her son. She should be able to give him anything he would ever need and want. I couldn't do that, does that make me a failure as a mother? Further more, since I am a woman and one big "job" a woman has is having AND raising children, does that make me a failure as a woman (so far that is)? I feel guilty that I couldn't be there for all of his mile stones; rolling over, crawling, teeth, and first real foods. I feel guilty that I wont be there for future miles stones; walking, learning how to ride a bike, first day of school, graduating high school, and going to college. I feel guilty that he is never going to really have a chance to know Victor and I in depth. We are more than willing to share anything with him about us, but he will never really know us like he would have if we kept him.

I feel guilty about the people that were effected by me coming home pregnant. I feel bad that I had to move back home and inconvenience my parents, who thought they were on their way to empty nesters. I feel bad that I "ruined" my sisters senior year by being pregnant and by living at home. I'm guilty that I disappointed my dad and step mom to the point where they felt they needed to banned me from their house until I was no longer pregnant. I feel bad that Victor was stretched out thin between pregnant me, school, taking care of his family, and dealing with the adoption. I'm not much a stable person now, and he sticks by me and helps me through it anyway he can. He shouldn't have to do that. I should be able to fix my self , but I can't. So I feel bad for bringing him down with me.

I feel guilty that I feel so much guilt.

Sometimes these things don't bother me. sometimes I have other feelings towards these events and actions. I know, or at least I hope, some of these feelings of guilt will go away. The real question is when. The other is how. well, not really, I know that answer. You loose your guilt by forgiving your self. By realizing that some of these things are not your fault and that things happen. Some of it was your doing and some of it was not. There were only so much you could do and there were only a few options you could choose from. The choices that u you made have been made, there is nothing you can do about them now.

The best thing you can do now is forgive your self, make realizations about your self, and rediscover your self. In short "Learn, Live, Love."

The Playlist: Father and Daughter by Paul Simon

With Fathers Day coming up I thought this was the perfect song. I first heard this song in The Wild Thornberry's Movie. I honestly just liked the tune and listen to it every once in a while. Now I know I have a son and that I'm not a father, but the lyrics he sings run true for any parent. But since it is directed more towards Fathers, I'm using it for Fathers Day. I'm thankful for Greg, Jude's adoptive dad, for being the most amazing father to my son. I couldn't have imagined any one better to be a father to Jude. I'm thankful for my dad, stepdad, grandpa, uncles, and older brothers for being in my life. I'm thankful for Victor for making a choice as a father to do what is right for his son, even though it was very hard.

I hope you all have a wonderful Father's Day.


"Father And Daughter" By Paul Simon

If you leap awake in the mirror of a bad dream
And for a fraction of a second you can't remember where you are
Just open your window and follow your memory upstream
To the meadow in the mountain where we counted every falling star

I believe a light that shines on you will shine on you forever
And though I can't guarantee there's nothing scary hiding under your bed
I'm gonna stand guard like a postcard of a Golden Retriever
And never leave 'til I leave you with a sweet dream in your head

[Chorus:]
I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you

Trust your intuition
It's just like goin' fishin'
You cast your line and hope you get a bite
But you don't need to waste your time
Worryin' about the market place
Try to help the human race
Struggling to survive its harshest night

[Chorus 2x]