Father's Day 2012

I know it’s not father’s day yet, well at least here in the U.S.A, I have one more day. Father’s day for me how ever isn’t a big deal. My dad only saw me once every two weeks and after I got pregnant I really decided that I didn’t want to be there. I love him and such, just not around him. I’m an out of sight out of mind kind of person. My Step dad is a nice enough man, he takes care of my mom, sister, and me and I also love him. We get him a gift and a card and celebrate it with him as well. However, he has 5 other biological kids to spend his day with. 

I forgot to send Greg a card, which is my bad, and I’ll just send him a pretty email card or a late real card. Then there is the other technical father person in my life, Victor.

Every time there is an opportunity for Victor to be involved in the adoption or have anything to do with Jude, I ask him straight up, “Do you want to do this?” “How would you feel about this?” “What do YOU want to do while this is happening?” and anything else that would apply to that situation. Victor’s aspergers makes social situations weird enough as it is, add in a kid, which while he likes Jude, is still a kid which makes things super uncomfortable for him. Plus if Jude screams, which I expect him to do, Victor’s hearing might be affected and he might, well as I call them, “have a fit”. This results in him being broody, moody, sulky, and an asshole. Victor knows his limits, lays them out for me and his expectations and what he wants.

So, I asked him about Father’s Day. I asked him: “Do you want to do anything?” No “Do you want a gift?” No “Ok, do you want to be acknowledged at all as a Father that day?” No. It was the answer I expected and I thought that was the end of that, but something weird happened. Victor suddenly became sad and removed. I could tell that he was off some how and I asked him if he was alright. At that moment we had arrived at Red Robin for dinner. He said we would talk about it later. 

Once we put our name in, we went outside to wait for an available table. After a couple of minutes and his mood was still the same. I asked him “Did I make you sad about Father’s day? I’m sorry” He said…(and I quote to the best of my memory)

“No, it wasn’t you. I just don’t think I’m worthy to be a part of father’s day. I just don’t feel like I …..deserve to be called a father. I don’t take care of him. I’m not there for him, and yeah, I don’t take care of him.”

My Heart Broke.

I had never heard anything so……sad, human, parental like, come from Victor. I almost cried right there and then. I honestly didn’t know what to say to that. Victor is a logical person. I could tell him to the moon and back that he is wrong and that while he doesn’t take care of him now, he took care of me when I was pregnant, took care of Jude in the hospital, made the RIGHT decision for Jude’s life, and does far more than what I expected for Jude now than I had ever thought.

So I just told him, that I think he is wrong, but I know he wouldn’t believe me.

Guys, my heart breaks for him.

I wish I could just show him that he’s wrong. He doesn’t have to celebrate father’s day if he doesn’t want to, but dammit he should know that he does count! He tries so hard every time we see Jude to be involved and get along with Katie and Greg. He wants to help me with every project I want to do for Jude. He wants to visit with Jude almost every single visit, despite the fact that originally he planned to not see Jude at all after he was placed. 

I just wish he saw what I saw. 

He broke my heart…again….but for an entirely different reason.

The Playlist: When Will My Life Begin Reprise 2 by Mandy Moore (from the Disney movie Tangled)

This is how I'm feeling right now about moving to Humboldt and hopefully how I will feel once I get there :)

College....decisions, decisions, decisions

Well, here I am staring my future right in the face and I have no flippin’ idea what to do. Here’s the sitch…

I applied to 5 schools, four of which I have heard back from, the last I wont know until June. All of which I applied for social work as my major, all schools far away from home (the closest being 6 hours away), and all schools I don’t give a rats ass about. I think I have ruled out 3 of the schools and I’m down to two choices. These were my 5 choices: CSU Humboldt, Portland State University, Eastern Washington University, Salem (Mass.) State University, and I still haven’t heard from University of Washington. I have narrowed it down to Humboldt and U of W. I officially accepted to Humboldt as like a back up school, but I don’t really know what I would do if I was accepted to U of W. My chances of that though are slim. I know freshman who had better grades and extra curricular activities than me who didn’t get in. It makes me think my chances are slim, but it was my “What the hell” school. 

The problem I have seem to found my self is I have now become aware of how lonely I will really be no matter where I go. I’ll be away from my family, my friends, Jude, and Victor. I’ve never been far away from Victor before, and quiet frankly its scary. I knew I would be away from my family and Jude, those were givens. My friends though, I didn’t really think about them. I don’t want to leave them yet. I’m also scared of leaving Jude, not because I don’t think he’ll be safe or whatever. Its really just because I don’t want to leave him. I don’t see him often, I know, but still I like knowing he’s only three or so hours away. Now, he will be at least 9 hours away:/

Is it fair to say I don’t want to make huge life decisions right now? I think I’ll become a college drop out, bum around Europe a while, and stalk Matt Smith and Daniel Radclift until one of them marry me (Or both in a perfect world). That should keep me there for a long time right? 

My Birth Mothers Day Outft

• My adoption rocks t-shirt
• My infinity necklace
• My charm necklace
• My adoption rocks livestrong-like bracelet
• My juicy couture charm bracelet

All meaningful things to me that some how represent Jude and/or the adoption :)

To All My Bloggin' Birth Mommas

Happy Birth Mothers Day!

May it be filled with love

Birth Mother's Day 2012

Tomorrow is my second birth mothers day ever and I couldn’t be more excited. I feel like Birth Mother’s day is really my day to celebrate the adoption. To celebrate the good choices I made and to be seen as some kind of mom. Mother’s day is not for me. Giving birth to a child doesn’t make some one a mother, its so much more than that. 

I really wanted to do something big for Birth Mothers day this year, but I sold my soul to school this quarter and am taking a 7 hour class on saturdays. Not only that, but I need to work after school. While the actually physical celebration wont take place that day, I will hold my head up high that day and be proud of who I am. I might celebrate in my own way. My job after school is house sitting for a nice couple with a dog, so maybe I will paint or draw.

So, to all my other birth moms out there, though it is early, Happy Birth Mother’s Day. You are all wonderful and unselfish women. Your birth children and adoptive parents are privileged and should be honored to have a part of you in their lives. 

What should I do for Birth Mother's Day this year?

Any thoughts? Suggestions? Ideas? Please Help

Pictures!

I got pictures today from our last visit! I'm a happy birth mom! <3

Replacement

Something horrible has happened this past week.

I have two cats, Juno and Kibo. Juno is more of my mom’s cat. She is social, talkative, and pretty much a small dog. Kibo on the other hand, she’s a stereotypical cat. She ignores you, loves food, and sleeps all day. She doesn’t like anyone in the family…..EXCEPT ME! We don’t know why she does, but she loves me. She have given me kisses, she lets me harass her, and she will sit with me the longest. Her most important and the reason I love her, she knows when I’m sick, upset, or in need of cuddles. She will sit with me for hours, for as long as I want her to sit with me, or she needs something (food, water, etc.).

I love Jude, with all my heart and soul, and no one can ever replace him. Kibo though, is my second baby. She is my love and my angel in so many ways. 

After I had Jude, came home, and sat (and cried); Kibo knew. She sat with me every day I was in bed. Some days longer than others, but everyday for at least 3 hours she was there. For that amount of time, great or small, it was like a break from hell. My biggest problem my first few days out of the hospital (other than the obvious of not having a baby), was that the world kept spinning while I was going throw the worst moment of my life. My mom, sister, Victor, and everyone else who supported me were there as much as they could. They still had lives though, that included school, work, errands, etc. and I understood that, but dammit I just needed the world to stop for me! Kibo though, her world is sleeping and sitting. So while Kibo sat with me, I was able to pretended the world stopped for me.

Now, on to the bad news…..

Last week my baby came how with a smallish cut on her ass area. The next day we let her out and it got BIGGER. It almost looked like something grabbed a bit of her fur and ripped out her hair and skin. After a few days of it not healing we finally took her to the vet. $500, stitches, antibiotics, and a cone later she is home and skittish.

While at the vet today though, my mom told my step dad how much it would cost and he flipped. He started going on how he should just shoot her, let her die, or give her back to the pound. I yelled at him no and told him I would pay for it. He said no, but if something happens to her again it was death or the pound for her. I went into room and cried. I don’t care if I spend thousands of dollars on Kibo. I would make a deal with the devil if it meant I could have her happy and healthy for ever. The thought of her dying makes me physically sick to my stomach. To have him threaten to end her, it just…….I felt like I died a little bit. I lost one baby, I don’t want to loose another.

 Luckily she has all the medication she needs, my mom and me are spoiling her, and we are making sure she is well taken care of.

A Strange Ocurrence

A strange and cool thing happened while I was babysitting yesterday. A little back story on this family first.
I watched a 8-9 year old girl named Hannah* yesterday morning while her parents went out and ran in a race. I've know Hannah and her family since they moved in before Hannah was born. Hannah was adopted and from what I understand the family has a semi-open (or did have, I'm not sure what the situation is now) adoption. They had tried to adopt a second child but after 2 or 3 attempts that led to heart break, they gave up. They are a very nice couple and at first I considered them to adopt Jude. The declined though and said that they were too old to adopt a new born. It all worked out in the end though and they focused on other things in their life.
Hannah is a very smart and straight forward kind of girl. She likes sports, riding her bike, and other more typical girl things. It was 7am, so I wasn't in the best mood to be an active and fun loving baby sitter. Luckily for me, Hannah just wanted to sit around and watch a movie. Later we made some food, attempted to make pudding (that never set for some reason), and went out for a walk/bike ride. Some time during all of that, she turned to me and asked:
"So, who was Jude adopted to?"
I was really thrown off. Not many kids ask me questions like that. Mainly because not many kids that I watch know that I was pregnant. Also because they don't care, which is understandable because, duh, there just kids. Not only that, but I didn't really know that  Hannah knew about my whole  situation. I didn't want to drill her with questions on how she knew about Jude and such, so I just answered her question as simply as I could.
I didn't know that Hannah had knew about adoption. I didn't want to ask if she knew that she was adopted, because she might not have and then that would have been extremely bad. It's refreshing though to see a child be open and curious about things around them though, and its more refreshing for me to see a child interested in my adoption. Even if it was one question, its a question I like to answer and inform people about. I want to educate others on adoption and even my adoption experience if they want to know.
It was one question, but it meant a lot to me.