Back Story: Part 2

Part 2: Morning Sickness and Parent Picking
Alright for those who don't have any experience with pregnancy; it sucks ass. Being pregnant is an awful thing, I have no clue why some women want it so bad. Oh, and the women that say "I love being pregnant, its such a wonderful experience" they are either bull shitting you or high as a kite. If I were have to pick between being pregnant and having a period though, I would pick pregnancy all the way. You have a really good excuse for being a bitch to some one when your pregnant, everyone is nicer to you, you can eat almost anything u want and no one judges you for it, and the whole giving life this is actually empowering.

My first trimester I had horrible morning sickness. I personally hate hate HATE vomiting. I know no one enjoys vomiting (except for maybe bulimics), but especially hate it. So my goal during my pregnancy was not to vomit. I would get so nausea that I couldn't eat anything but cucumbers, french fries, and ranch dressing. I would get so nauseous that if i were laying in bed and I had to get up to go to the bathroom, I would have to seriously think about whether it was worth it or not. But not once did I throw up. Yay me! During my first trimester I also was tired all the time. I would take a nap or two during the day and still be able to go to bed at like 9, which in college is early. I had told my teachers what was going on, so they knew that they knew why I wasn't in class that day. I had also told my boss and eventually my co-workers. The only people who didn't know were most of my friends and my family.

I told my family around Easter. I told my sister Easter day and she was the first one to know. I had gone to my family's priest to ask for help. I needed to know how to tell me mom, because I knew she would be the most disappointed. My mom and Sarah know that my views are not traditional, so the fact that I was talking to our priest about something was weird. Sarah and I were driving to one of our easter parties, and she just flat out asked me "Are you pregnant?". I was tired at lying at that point and it was time to start telling my family, so I told her yes.  I told my mom next. I had to get blood test earlier that day and Victor wanted to go with me. He couldn't get a car to come down, so I drove to SJ and back to MB, took the test, and drove back to SJ. I decided to just stay in SJ for a while and I went home. My mom saw my bandages and asked why I had them. I told her they were for a blood test that I needed because I was pregnant. She took it about as well as I thought she would. My mom told my stepdad and eventually a bunch of other family members and friends. I told my dad last. He took it really well at first, but when he told my stepmom his opinion changed. In short, my dad and stepmom decided to try to keep  my pregnancy and adoption a secret from everyone on my dads side of the family, including my younger brother and sister. I didn't see anyone from my dad's side of the family until a month or two after I had Jude. (Funnily enough, everyone except my brother and sister, found out about it anyway. So suck on those lemons dad and Amber!) Victor and I told his parents a few weeks later, and that was a whole other issue.

During this time, I had found an adoption agency that had agencies  all over California. I knew I wanted an open adoption, and not just any open adoption, but the most open adoption imaginable. I wanted pictures, letters/emails, video's and visitations. Victor wanted an open adoption that only included letters/emails and a few pictures, and maybe when the kid was older visitations. I had been talking to two counselors describing Victor and me, deciding what the next steps would be, the legal issues, and what Victor and I were looking for in parents. I had a really good idea of what kind of parents I wanted and Victor only had one major guideline. I knew I wanted a youngish married couple with good paying jobs. I didn't want just any married couple though, I wanted the married couple that are so cute together it makes others sick. I did not want to have my kid deal with a divorce later on in his life. I also wanted to know that they had jobs that would be less likely to be fired from or die from. What Victor and I really wanted and this was a must, they had to be open and non-constricting. We didn't want parents that would force religion, politics, or a certain life style on our baby. We lived those kind of life styles and we didn't want that for our kid. Not only that but the more open and flexible the parents are, the more likely they were going to go alone with a really open adoption. Everything else was subjective, they could have been any race, any sexuality, and have kids already. I knew that when I found the right parents for my baby, I would know; it would hit me like lightning. The agency worked with us and would try to set meetings up that would fit with everyone's schedule and would check in with me every now and again.

While they were picking potential parents within the agency, Victor and I were looking at potential parents outside of the agency. There was this family that I knew that had adopted a girl years ago and I originally asked them if they would consider adopting Jude. They thought about it and I know the mother wanted to, but ultimately they decided they were too old to adopt another baby. Victor's aunt offered to take the baby, but she lives in Germany and that was just too far for me. (Plus I didn't really want Victor's family raising the baby. I don't know Victor's aunt, I bet she is a nice woman, but I was and still am mad at Victor's family for reasons that I'll discuss later) We also told any one who knew that I was pregnant to ask around to see if anyone they knew was wanting to adopt.

While we waited for the agency to pick out parents that met our list of demands. I went to doctors appointments, tried to do well at school (which I was unsuccessful at doing), worked, learned more about pregnancy, and tried to figure my next steps in life. I knew that I wouldn't be able to go back to school next semester because I was due mid-semester and I didn't want to be far away from my family and Victor when I went into labor. So I had to mentally prepare myself for moving back home (Seriously, that was my biggest sacrifice I made threw out the whole pregnancy).

Second Trimester wasn't so bad. Things started to hurt, I had to pee all the time, and I started to get fatter, but I didn't really show until the tail end of the second trimester. In the ultrasound he looked more like a person and continued to be healthy. I was transitioning from Monterey to San Jose mid trimester. I was going to go to a new doctor and take online a community college. I had moved into my parents house and back into my room. Around that time, the agency had put together a list of parents that we thought we would like. Now when you "view" parents, you really just look at a scrapbook the potential parents put together that includes a letter to the birthparents, a bio of some kind, and a bunch of pictures of them, their families, home, etc. So Victor and I went into there San Jose office, and looked at these books. There were around 12-15 of these books. We split the pile up and made a rule, if one parent doesn't like the a family, then that family wasn't going to be a choice. The decision had to be unanimous. We spent close to two hours looking threw these books, some were I liked more than others and some I just didn't like. None of them really hit me as "the ones", so we left parent-less. The agency would go try again looking in their southern california agencies as well.  I had to pee so I went to the bathroom. When I came out of the stall I just looked at myself in the mirror and started crying. I was so disappointed and so upset that I didn't find a family for my baby. I was four - five months along and I was getting anxious. I came of the bathroom in tears, Victor looked so scared for a second. "What's wrong?" he asked. I told him "it was supposed to hit me like lightning or a chorus of angels were supposed to start singing". I cried in his arms for a little bit and while he held me he said that sometimes it doesn't happen that way and if it does happen that way then it just didn't happen today, but it will.

Turns out I only had to wait a few more days.