Visitations Pt. 2

It's February 20th, 2011. . . I am 20 years old today. I have passed my teen years, and I can officially be considered an adult. It has been a year since I found out I was pregnant with Jude. I spent my birthday by seeing Jude and his parents for breakfast and then driving the 8 hours home.

I spent the last part of Friday and all of Saturday in San Diego. Saturday morning I was set to meet Jude, Katie, and Greg in front of my hotel. I had come alone, because Victor got swamped with homework that last minute and wouldn't be able to go to San Diego and finish all of his homework and projects. So I was solo this whole weekend. Needless to say, I was scared, nervous, and excited all at the same time. When I saw them though, I knew everything was going to be OK.

When I saw Jude, I almost cried. He was so BIG! He looks close to one years old, but he's only 4 months. He smiles all the time, he's healthy, and he didn't cry around me; I couldn't have asked for more. We went everywhere in San Diego; the aquarium, La Jolla, Downtown, Hotel Del Coranado, and Seaport Village. We all got to talk about everything; life, work, school, the adoption, my blog (yep, they read it and love it!), and of course Jude. I even got a chance to meet Greg's parents, and they are very cool and chill people. It was then, that I made a realization.

We went to this hawaiian themed restaurant in Seaport Village. Jude was asleep, to my dismay, and we all were sitting around talking. After dinner Jude woke up crying for some food, Greg got up and fed him. I watched as Greg fed them and listened to Katie and Greg's parents talk about how Jude slept the night before. I was slowly getting jealous, listening to them talk about how he slept with Greg's parents that night and Katie was worried and jealous as well that night, and it was making me annoyed as well. I would love to have one night with him. I knew that Katie and Greg would never go for it, and they have good reasoning to not to, but still I wish I could have him for like three hours while they go see a movie or something. I started to think about why I wanted him for the night, mostly for curiosity and alone time, I took another look around. I saw them all talking together, laughing, admiring Jude while he ate and it hit me. Jude was no longer really mine. I knew that legally he was no longer mine and I was no longer his mother, but there was always this still biological little connection of "This is my child, I gave birth to him, but I don't take care of him". At that moment though, it was all gone.

This is a good and bad thing. It's good because, in a sense it's true. He is no longer mine, and I shouldn't feel like he's mine other wise I might become something else that isn't good. I might get to attached, I might become needy around him, or I might infringe on Katie and Greg's life; all of which I don't want. It's bad though, because the little connection that I did have, is gone. I feel like I'm just looking at my one of my cousin's when I look at him; I love him and love being around him, but nothing else is going on. I don't feel my stomach flutter every time I see him, I don't see me or Victor in him, and holding him doesn't warm my heart like it used to. Is this a bad thing? Does this mean that over time I'm not going to love him anymore? Will I stop caring about if I see him or hear from them anymore? This throughly freaked me out to the point of shaking, which is like the "world is ending" in levels of my emotional state, and I couldn't stop. Katie asked if I was cold and I just told her I was fine. I went to the bathroom shortly after. I took a few deep breaths, looked at my self hard in the mirror, and told my self "I can do this. I can do this."

I told my self through out the night that I did love him. I wouldn't want alone time with him other wise, I wouldn't be thinking about the next time I would get to see him, and that love would never go away even if the connection did. The thought couldn't escape me though. Katie could tell I was off some how, and I felt off. I didn't eat much and was quiet. After breakfast this morning, we went to a near by park, and greg took amazing pictures of Jude and I. Then they took me back to the hotel, and we said our good byes. As weird as this sounds, letting go of or leaving Jude is always very easy for me. Its when I haven't seen him for a while that it becomes very hard for me. I thanked Katie and Greg for everything and how much I appreciated them for everything.

Overall, I was very happy with the trip. I loved seeing Jude again, learning new things about him, and catching up with Katie and Greg. My realization still bothers me though. If my biological connection with Jude can disappear suddenly, can my love? I keep telling my self over and over again "It will never happen! Everything you do, you do for that little boy! To make him proud! You visit him and want pictures because you love him!" But loosing that little connection that I did have has rattled me to the core.