Back Story: Part 4

Part 4: Giving Birth and Letting Go
October 15th, 2010. It was a Friday, it was just like any other Friday. It was hot, the sky was clear, and like any other Friday morning I had a doctor's appointment. I was 39 weeks pregnant and I looked it. The week before the doctor noticed that my stomach was still growing. Traditionally the uterus/stomach stops growing after 36-37 weeks, so they wanted an ultrasound to see how big the baby was.
The ultrasound tech took all sorts of measurements and we got to see his face again. When the doctor came back, she said he was somewhere between 8.5-9.3 pounds. Now for anyone who has even went to a health class and learned where babies come from then you should know, giving birth vaginally HURTS! Big things are not supposed fit through small holes. So the idea of pushing a 8.5 pound baby out did not appeal to me. To that she said "Well, we could schedule a C-section for tonight". Whoa, who said anything about having a baby today?! I looked at my mom, who said "Today is as good a day to have a baby". The doctor assured me that he was defiantly healthy and ready to come out. Not only that but my mom had to have a C-section because her pelvic bones were to narrow. He hadn't dropped yet and it didn't seem like he was going to move. So I said yes and I was scheduled to have a C-section at 6pm.

I called Victor first to let him know what was going on. He sounded a little shock, but he said he would meet us at the hospital. I called Katie next, she sounded so excited. I could see her at work freaking out and calling Greg. She said they would leave as soon as possible and they would meet us at the hospital. I told her she could bring her mom and/or dad if she wanted, but they were going to wait in the waiting room. I only wanted Victor and my mom in the delivery room.

I had to wait out most of the day until my C-section. I packed a bag, called my friends who wanted to know when I was having the baby, my mom took me to get my nails done to pass time, and I had a friend braid french braid my hair. When my mom and me got to the hospital, Victor was already there. We went up and checked in. They got me in a gown, took my blood, monitored my heart and the babies, and gave me an IV. Katie, Greg, and Natty got there a few minutes before I went in. Then a nurse came in and told me it was time to deliver the baby.

I was so scared, but I knew everything was going to be alright. They gave me an epidural, and it was amazing. Then, at 6:23pm, he was born. They took him out of the room to weigh him, clean him off, and do other test. I kept asking how was he and how much he weighed. Victor told me he was fine, and my mom went with the nurse who took Jude out of the room. A few minutes later they brought him back into the room and all of a sudden he was in front of my face. His face was so squished and he smelled like a baby. I was so surprised that he was there. Up until that moment it didn't seem real and then I saw him. Victor was the first to hold him and then my mom. I held him when I went to recovery. He was so heavy. He turned out to be 10 pounds even! Good thing I didn't have to push him out. Recovery only allowed two people at a time, so little by little people came in to see me. Katie and Greg saw him and held him, so did Natty, Sarah, and Malcolm.

A few hours later, Jude and I were moved to our room. I wanted him to stay with me, but I was so tired and having Jude in the room made me nervous. When babies sleep, you can barely hear them breathing. So I would have my mom check every 10 minutes or so to make sure he was breathing. Then my mom convinced me to have him moved to the nursery for the night. My mom stayed with me until 1am, then I told her she could go. Victor spent the next night with me, then Katie spent the night with me, and the last night I was by myself. I spent my days seeing visitors, my friends, family, Victor's family, and Katie's family. Lots of pictures were taken.

The last night I was there, I kept him the whole night. I cried a good portion of it. He never left my side. The next day, me and Victor signed the papers. My mom and Sarah were crying really hard. After the papers were signed, Victor left for school. His mom came by to say goodbye to Jude. We took our last pictures and said our goodbye, then I gave him to his mom and dad.

I wasn't crying in the hospital. I waited until I got home. I got into my bed, my mom helped me, and I looked around. Everything was the same, but it wasn't right. There should have been a crib, changing table, toys, and more importantly a baby; my baby. I broke down. I cried like a kindergardener when she doesn't get her way. I bawled my eyes out, and I continued to do so for the next few days.

I would like to tell you things got easier along the way, but they didn't, at least not all in one day. In California, the law is birth parents have 30 days to change there mind. There were days that I wanted to call the social worker and tell her I wanted him back, but I couldn't. I loved him and wanted him back so badly, but his happiness meant more to me. Not only that, but I couldn't disappoint Katie and Greg and take there son away.

I had my first visit with him a month later. He looked so happy and his parents did too. Greg offered to do a photo shoot of Jude and me, so we did. I bought us color coordinated outfits and we took a bunch of pictures.

I get pictures often and he's growing up happily. It makes me happy to see him and them happy. It lets me know that I made the right choice. Sometimes it is still hard and sometimes I have bad days, but bad days end. Now I'm back at school and I'm trying to find a new normal. I still miss him and I can't wait to see him again, but I know he's alright and happy. :)