The Playlist: Shake It Out by Florence + The Machine

I thought I would try a video this week for the hell of it. This song goes along with this weeks post. This is for those who have gone through the worse or is going through it and come out the other side a champion! We are strong! We are brave! and yes, we can make through.

Remember, it's always darkest before the dawn....

November: National Adoption Month! :D

Because its National Adoption Month, I thought I would post about how I talk about my adoption and how I try to inform people about adoption.

I talk about Jude and the adoption a lot in my life. Obviously I blog about him, I talk about him to my friends, Victor and I always talk about him, and I brag about him to my friends and employers. I don’t do just that though, when I can I try to inform others about adoption and if they ask my personal adoption experience.

I’ve had two informative speeches so far at school, I’ve done both of them on adoption/the adoption process. Both times I have I have used my self and Jude as an example of adoption. I got A’s on both of those presentations (yay me!). I love talking to people about adoption. I also would love to help people through the adoption process.

I’ve decided that I want to become an adoption social worker. My dream and what I really would want to do is create (own, direct, run, etc.) my own pregnant teen home place, except bigger. Like a camp area, with out the camping part of it. Does that make sense? Hopefully it does. I want to help other pregnant girls figure out that maybe adoption is the right choice for them and help them go through that process. If they change their minds in the end, that’s OK, I want to help them figure out what they need to do next.

I have this awesome plan inside my head, and for what ever reason the plan for the actual building is a cross between the Winchester Mystery House, The Cinderella Castle from Disneyland, and Hogwarts. I have no idea why, just is, but regaurdless it will be awesome and I will help people.

It would be super cool if I could write a book about my adoption experience, but I don’t think it would be very popular. Unfortunately, not many books on adoption experiences are popular. :/

I’m proud to say I’m a birth mom. I’m pretty sure Katie and Greg are happy to be adoptive parents. Hopefully, Jude will one day feel open enough to say he was adopted to a loving family. Its a triangle we create with love as the connectors.

Happy National Adoption Month Everyone!

To everyone apart of the adoption triangle; BE PROUD AND STAY AWESOME!

Regrets

I always have one person or another asking me "Do you regret  putting your baby up for adoption?".  I have always said "No, I don't. Nor do I think I ever will. I did what's best for my son and that's what matters". I still know that to be fully true. The only possibly way that it could change is if Katie and and Greg become horrible abusive and cruel, but Hell has a better chance of freezing over than that ever happening.

After looking back on a year though and reflecting on the events that passed, there are a few things I did or didn't do that I regret.

The biggest regret I have is not being more pregnant happy. There are only maybe 10 pictures of me pregnant. Like 7-8 of them are of my stomach and two of them are of my face from Lilith Fair (I was around 5 months pregnant when I went, so thats like half counts). I had a 4-d ultrasound but only because I figured it would be nice for Katie and Greg to have some kind of pregnancy interaction. They loved it by the way, and it was kinda cool to go. I did a scrap book after he was born, but never a baby book. Some of those questions in their were just not appropriate for my situation. For instance....

"What was your partners reaction when you told him you were pregnant?"
He swore profusely in every room of his house and started ranting about how he "can't do this"


......... Yeah, that's something I really want to remember.

Looking back on it now, I wish I had done some more pregnant happy stuff. I wish I took month by month picture, done a pregnancy photo shoot, maybe get a tacky papermache stomach thing done. Hell, I even want to do a baby book. The problem with that though is they usually go beyond birth and I can't really put anything there. This is a lesson well learned and the next time I get pregnant I'm doing all sorts of pregnancy happy things.

The second thing I regret is being very hands off when it came to Victors involvement in the pregnancy. I know he tried his best and I'm really grateful that he was even involved at all, but there were some things I think I could have asked more of. The big one is his being there at the hospital. The last day, the "goodbye" day he left to go to school, and I told him he could. I didn't want to force him to be somewhere he didn't want to be, and I didn't think he wanted to be there. Him not being there though, was probably the worst thing he has ever done to me though (and that's including our break-up which was pretty bad). I know I told him to go and because of his autism, he actually took it as "its ok to go". When I was trying to say, "Please stay. I need you". I almost wish secret girl code wasn't secret so guys could know things with out us having to tell them. *sigh* Oh, well. I told (well, yelled) at Victor later about this and he's apologized multiple times, but I don't think I can forgive him on this one.

The last big thing is I wish I had more time alone at the hospital with Jude. Katie and Greg, Family (thiers and mine), and friends were there all the time, and really I didn't have time to breathe. Don't get me wrong, I loved that they were there to support me, the adoption, Katie and Greg, and Jude. I would probably do it that way with the next baby, minus the adoption part obviously. I just........wanted more time. Then again, there is never really enough time for a situation like this, is there?

I choose the options I did though for these three things, knowing that I would maybe regret these decisions later. Why? There is one big flaw with these regrets. All of these things I regret are all things that fall on a very thin line. The line between giving the baby up for adoption and becoming attached and keeping the baby. All of these regrets and decisions on how to deal with the pregnancy and the baby teeter on that line.

Maybe If I had spent more time with Jude in the hospital, I would have gotten attached and not given him up. Maybe the more pregnant happy I got, the more baby happy I would become, and that would lead to choosing to keep the baby. If Victor was more involved I would get a warped sense of reality and thing that we could actually function as a family. These may all be "What If's" but the are HUGE "what if's". These "What If's" would have changed my life, Jude's life, Katie and Greg's, Victors, and so many other peoples lives! I loved that baby I grew in my stomach, I loved the little baby I held in my arms moments after he was born, and I love the little toddler he's growing up to be. He was my world and still is and I knew he deserved so much better than me.

I quiet honestly can't tell you what would have happened if I went back and re-did all the things I regret. I can tell you though, that while I do have small regrets, it came with the huge reward of knowing my son is so much better off. 

The Birthday Party

On the 16th, the day after Jude’s birthday, Katie and Greg came over with Jude and I threw him a birthday party. Katie and Greg gave me the OK at our last visit, so since then I have been planning party for Jude. I invited a bunch of family and friends to come hang out with us. Victor’s parents and youngest brother came over and that was ….. nerve racking but fun and good. I’m not as good about sending them pictures than I should be and I always feel horrible about it. Having them come to the party was good for Jude and for them. It was the first time they had seen him since the hospital.

That was the case with about half of the people there. The other half were meeting him for the first time. My sister couldn’t come. She’s in Reno for college and doesn’t have a car. We video chatted like ten minutes after Jude came over and she showed him the socks she got him for his birthday (but didn’t send yet). She also called me that night and asked how the party went and stuff. 

Jude, Katie, and Greg came over an hour early so me, my mom, and step dad could have some time alone with Jude. It was the first time my mom and step dad had seen Jude since the hospital. They looked happy and they looked sad as well. I know the feeling and it was sort of the theme of the day. It’s a happy and joyful occasion, but at the same time your sad because you know that after this day he leaves again. 

Poor Jude had a cold and no nap that day, but did amazingly well. He only cried once, and that’s when he walked into a wall. He’s developing so well. He has 11 teeth, he’s walking and running, he’s says “dada” and other syllables, he’s the right height and weight for his age group. He has big feet, they have to special order his shoes because he’s not walking enough for hard sole shoes. So they have to special order the soft sole shoes.

The party went really well. People talked with each other, they ate food, Victor’s brother and Jude played with each other, and everyone just watched Jude walk around. They would try to hold him, kiss him, and find things for him to do. I made cupcakes instead of a cake. I made marble cupcakes (from scratch) with two different whipped cream frostings. I made two different because the first one I made tasted weird to me because it had a cream cheese base and turns out I don’t like cream cheese. So I used up the rest of the heavy cream and made traditional whipped cream. Jude ate his all up and got it all over him self. Everyone else seemed to enjoy theirs as well. I know I liked mine.

We opened presents after that. Jude recieved some very nice gifts. He got a blanket, a set of board books, a wooden fire truck, a pull-along wooden train, a toy box (from Victor and I), and some clothes. He had two other parties before mine, so he probably has A LOT of toys. Now though he has a toy box to put them in.

All in all, it was a wonderful day. The sun was shinning, it was a comfortable temperature, and everyone had a good time; even Victor who had spent most of the party in my room on his computer. He was good though, and came out and socialized every once in a while and took “family” photos with me and Jude. Katie and Greg left shortly after everyone else left. We took some more pictures, made sure they had everything they came with, and said our goodbyes. I’ll see him again most likely in Feburary for my birthday. I told Katie and Greg how much I appreciate them and how grateful I was to have been able to do this. Not only that but I was the dunce and forgot to take any pictures, luckily Greg (being the photographer he is) brought in his camera and started taking pictures. They have no idea how much I love them and appreciate them.

Some of my friends from Monterey stayed later, and we just sat around and talked until they needed to leave. Then I helped clean up a bit, and eventually left. I was house sitting that night, but before I went over there I went with Victor to go get food. He wanted Carls Jr. and I wanted Miky D’s, so we went to both. As he was getting his food, I stayed in the car and listened to music. I plugged in my ipod and played some of Jude’s playlist. The first song that comes on is Jude’s song. “The Only Exception” by Paramore. I start singing along and all of a sudden, I start crying. Victor gets back in the car and he turns down my music. He asks me if I’m OK, and I lie and say I’m fine. Then I lean is and give him a hug and start crying again.

Maybe I needed to cry. It wasn’t for long, maybe five minutes at most. I wasn’t sad, or maybe I was. It wasn’t like I was mourning the baby I was giving up. I wasn’t mourning the adoption or anything. It was more of just an over dramatic “Wow, its been a year.” Victor held me for a long, even after I stopped crying. The adoption is hard on him too, maybe he needed a hug just as much as I did. 

Wow, its been a year already. I can’t wait to see what the next year brings me. :)

Looking Back On One Year

This time last year was different. Last year at this time I was 19, taking online classes at the community college (and failing miserably I might add), working as a part time babysitter a few hours a day, and more importantly 39 weeks pregnant.

It was around 9:30 on a sunny Friday morning in mid October, that I was told that my baby was developed enough that I wanted, he could be born today. I agreed and that night, October 15th, 2010 at 6:23pm I had a beautiful baby boy, who was later named Jude.
On October 19th, 2010 Victor, Jude's father, and I signed adoption papers relinquishing Jude to the best adoptive parents we could have picked for him, Katie and Greg.

Today is October 15th, 2011. Which means exactly one year has passed. Jude is one year old today. So many things have changed in a year. I'm one year older, I go to school at the community college (and passing!), I've worked a few different jobs but now I'm a housekeeper and nanny for multiple families, and more importantly I'm the proud birth mother of a one year old son. With great change comes many lessons learned and knowledge gained, and boy howdy I've learn a lot.

I've learned that I'm a lot stronger person now, than I have ever been in my previous 19 years of life. I have been to hell and back for the last year and 9 months and I'm still here. I survived dammit! No one can take that away from me. I refuse the let anyone try to take that away from me.

I've learned that there is a greater love out in the world than I could have ever imagined. I found that love the moment I laid my eyes on Jude. My love for Jude will never go away. No matter what the distance. No matter what the circumstances will be. He is the love of my life, the reason I strive to be a better person and work hard for a better life, and the reason I grew up. Nothing or no one can or will change that.

I have learned who in my family I can really count on and which of my "friends" are really my friends. Which one's I can trust to be by my side in my hour of need and support me anyway they can. The ones that stayed I love even more now and I owe then so much gratitude. They have no idea how much I appreciate them.


Being a birth mom has taught me a few things as well. I got all sorts of advice on how to go through my depression, how to handle my adoption, and what to do when (insertsituation here). Here's what I think are the biggest things I have learned through my experience.

No matter how sure you are of your decision, no matter how much you love the adoptive family your giving your baby too, and no matter how much you coach yourself before hand, giving that baby up will be the hardest thing you have ever done. You will be depressed. You will cry, sob, bawl, and possibly scream, wishing you could take your baby back. It goes away eventually; the pain and the tears. This is natural and even needed, just don't expect everything to be fine afterwards. Then you get frustrated that your not OK, which makes you even more upset and then it just becomes a vicious cycle.


Find Birth mom friends as soon as you can. Whether its through a support group,coincidence, or Tumblr. I became a much better person when I met other birth moms, and they have helped me so much. I wish I would have met them sooner. I reallyappreciate them and couldn't have made it through with out them. 

Help is very important. Go find it! Support groups, one on one therapy, blogging, arts and crafts, anti-depressants, anything that will help. No one expects you to do this alone. Help is a good thing, and there are many people out there who want to make sure that you come out happy in the end.

The most important thing (AND I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH!!!!) is that.....it will get better. People always would tell me that "Don't worry it gets better with time". Birth moms, friends, family, and even people from the blog. They always told me that "It will get better". I would think "How can it get better?" or "I know it gets better and I know the world keeps spinning and blah blah blah. I just want this horrible part to be over!" It turns out, they were right. Things get better. You don't know how it happens or even really when it happens. All of a sudden your thrown back into the world and you become so caught up in life that you find your self feeling better. It's a wonderful feeling. It's the start of you feeling like you again.

So, today, on my son's first birthday, I'm frantically cleaning the house and buying decorations for a party I'm throwing for him tomorrow. I'm reflecting on the fact that a year has gone by. I'm blogging for you lovely people. The oddest of them all, I'm not crying. I don't think I will. Today is nothing more than a happy beautiful day. Tomorrow is an exciting fun day. From their another year of adventures begin.

Happy Birthday Jude

I Love You

Representations

I have lots of things around my room and stuff that reminds me of Jude. It was bound to happen. “Real” moms have momentos of their babies, children, teenagers, adults. Mostly through pictures and drawings. Some have scrapbooks, left over baby clothes and blankets, old toys, and hospital papers. Over time though those things can be seen as junk because those moms have the memories and the actual experience to back those mementos up. Birth Moms, our representations and things that remind us of our kids and the adoption is all we have. Jude’s parents will get to see Jude take his first steps and always remember that moment. I, at best, will get a video of the moment. Which for me I’m happy with, ecstatic actually, but the memory I will have is opening my email and seeing that I have a new message from Greg with the video attached. Nothing special, very mundane actually because I check my email everyday. Its the small things that we find and have that make us feel like were involved some how. That make us feel connected to that baby we lost, with out being connected if that makes sense. 

The major one I have is a burping cloth that I stole from the hospital that Jude used a lot. 

I sleep with it every night. It never leaves my bed or inside of my pillow. I don’t take it anywhere because I want to preserve the smell of baby on it. I have never washed it and never will. I will always have this with me and remember the hospital nights I had him. I loved sitting him right on top of me or right next to me and we would watch TV. I would make the nurses come in and change DVDs out for me (hehe >:] ). When ever he got fussy and I had tried everything to make him better, I would just out him on top of my chest, rub his back, and sometimes sing “his” song. That cloth would be on my shoulder all the time in case he needed to burp and would spit up.

I love Juicy Couture! With a passion. I can’t fit into their clothes because I’m a real woman and have fat, but I love their jewelry. I have a charm bracelet with 4 charms on it (so far). 1 represents Victor, 1 represents my love for my sister, and 2 of them represent Jude. 

Jude has always been a good eater. He came out eating. Swear to god, he came out, they took his sugar levels and they were low, he was given a bottle. So he literally came out eating. He has been a good eater since. When he was first born though, he only cried when he wanted food. He would fuss for everything else, but it was a full on cry with tears and all for food. Every time he cried though, he snorted as well like a little piggy. I saw the flying pig in Juicy it was perfect. His wings were always represented the adoption. He needed to fly away and have a better life. His “wings” will hopefully take him on amazing journeys that I could have only imagined for him. The second charm is a little more obvious its a baby bottle with the word “baby” in blue. I got this represent this first year, a very hard and difficult year, hopefully the worse of the years to come. I am losing a baby and gaining a toddler soon. He’ll be one, and I am just amazed that the amount of time has gone by. My baby isn’t a baby anymore. Its a happy and sad fact, sad only because you begin to miss the baby stuff but happy in so many different ways.

I have a bunch of pictures. This is the nicest one I have. I blocked Jude’s face with the top of a Tiffany’s box.

Katie and Greg gave me this frame when Jude was born. I love it a lot. I have a couple of other pictures around my room. One of my mom and Jude and one of my mom, my sister, and me with Jude in my lap. I have a small wallet sized one in my planner that I got in a thanksgiving card of Jude grabbing his ear. Then my phone lock screen and background is a pictures of Jude. The lock screen is always a picture of Jude by him self and the background is always a picture of Jude and me.

The last thing I have is a scrapbook of pregnancy up to the last day in the hospital. I’ve got ultrasound pictures, 4-d ultrasound pictures, pictures of me when I was pregnant, many MANY pictures during the delivery and in the hospital, his hospital tags and mine, his clothes and hat from the hospital, his “birth” certificate, and the hospital papers with his foot prints on them. I put it together in a scrapbook way with fancy paper and stickers. I did it the first and second weeks I was out of the hospital and the adoption was fresh. It really helped me through the whole thing, gave me something to focus on.  

I love all of these things and the meaning they have for me. It’s ok to have things like this in life, even if your a birth mom. Just don’t become a pack rat, hoarder, or obsessive.

Toys, Gifts, and Presents

I love getting Jude presents. I love going through the toy isle of any store and wondering what toys Jude would be old enough for or would like. I put a lot of thought into his birthday and christmas presents. When ever I go on a trip, I wonder about what I should souvenir I should get him. Most of the time I don’t buy him anything. It’s mostly curiosity and me trying to think “what would he wear?” or “what would he play with?”

Many people this is a problem. My mom, my sister, Victor, and even Katie at one point had a problem. Katie thought by me giving him gifts it was like I was trying to “mother” him. I stopped getting him as many things after that. Everyone else was worried about how much (money, time, and effort) I was putting into his gifts.

I admit, I have a problem. I spend ALOT of money, time, and effort on Jude’s gifts. I can’t help it though.

1). I love shopping. I would go to the mall and buy every since thing and give it all to Goodwill. What Can I say? I believe in retail therapy and use it to full extent.

2). I wove wittle baby clothes and toys! <3 There so cute!

3). This is the big one, and there is not better way to say it. I’m trying to buy Jude’s future affection.

Its horrible and I know this, but its really one of the few roads I have to show Jude that I love him. From all the adoptions stories I’ve heard, adoptees sometimes grow up feeling abandoned and/or unwanted. I definitely don’t want Jude to feel that way and I will do anything to make sure he never does. Giving him expensive things, meaningful things, hand made things, cute things, and thoughtful things will hopefully show him that I care and that I love him.

Giving Jude those gift and the future gifts to come make me feel better. Like I’m doing something right by him (and I know that the whole giving him up in the first place is the right thing for him, but that was pre-adoption. I’m trying to do right by him in the post adoption). I hope this and the other ways I’m trying is the right thing to for him.

IN OTHER NEWS:

I have decided to get the Paramore album cover butterfly as my tattoo. I don’t know when or where (on my body) I’m getting it, but I am excited about it. I also have decided to do something else with the foot prints. I’m SUPER excited about this :)

"The Test"

When you give up a child for adoption, afterwards you do tell people that you had a baby and gave it up for adoption. With most adoptions these days being open adoptions and so society being more forgiving than 30 years ago, birth moms don’t have to hide there pregnancy and baby scandal. Because of this birth moms can choose to talk about their experiences to other people, which is a very good thing. The bad part is though, how will others react to your story.

Now typically, said birth mom is already a strong person (having given up her child and all) so if the person she tells reacts badly and puts shames her then she can handle it and rip them a new one. There is one area where this situation is much different expectation and the reaction matters drastically. It is commonly referred to as “TheTest”.

The Test is when a birth mom tells her story to a person who has the possibility of becoming some one special. Most commonly a potential boyfriend or girlfriend (depending on which way you swing). The reaction is carefully watched to determine if said person will continue to be in your life. React poorly and they’re gone for good. React positively and your in a birth moms good graces.

You simply can’t say “Wow! You did a really nice thing”, oh no. Granted you might be genuine when you say that, but we will be looking for more. Not only will we want to know in depth what you think about adoption, pregnancy, babies. We will be watching your body language when you talk about these things and we will continue to watch how you react when the subject comes up at different times. Until we fully trust that your feelings on the matter made clear. From there we will decide what to do.

As an example I will use a boy I’m currently interested in. When I first told him I was a birth mom, he reacted and said things that were common. “oh how cool.” and “it takes a really strong and selfless woman to do something like that”. Then I told him my story and he asked the FAQs of adoption. As time went on and I talked about the adoption and such he would offer advise, support, and even ask me more in-depth questions about the situation (showing me that he takes a genuine interest in that part of my life). The only part I have not been able to gage yet is his body language when he talks about these things because I have not met him in person yet. Overall though, his responses are positive and he honestly seems interested and supportive of my choices. He wants to be there for me when I’m going through my high and low points. At this point in time, I think I will keep him around. ;)

Now, some of you maybe wondering “Why is the test so important? And why is it so intense?”

It’s important because birth moms shouldn’t have to feel like they need to hide any part of their lives. If we can’t share our most intense moments in our lives to some one who “truly cares” about us, then what does that person really do for you and mean to you?

The Test is so intense because the process and the aftermath is Intense. Being pregnant, giving birth, and giving that baby up for adoption is going to leave some scars, emotional and physical (talk about stretch marks, Jude completely ruined my stomach and hips. Plus he was a C section.) The thing about scars is, no matter how hard you try, they never really disappear. That baby will always be a part of you in some way or another. Finding a person who truly tries to understand that, respect it, and be supportive of it is nothing short of a miracle.

This test is like any other. If you open your mind, heart, and ears and try your hardest, you should be able to pass it.

Baby Love to Baby Blues

I don't know if its just me, but It seems like everyone I know is pregnant these days. Girls my age that I went to school with, woman I know from my work or day to day life, even next door neighbors; all of them pregnant. The natural and first reaction is to be happy for them, which I am. I'm happy for them and give them as much advise on pregnancy as they want.
The second reaction and somewhat unwanted reaction is sadness.

I begin to miss my pregnancy. I miss the short 39 weeks I had with Jude. I miss feeling him move at night when I'm trying to sleep. I miss eating ego waffles every morning for like 4 months straight because I had a constant craving for them.


I miss the life I never had a chance to have, if that's at all possible. I don't want to say I'm jealous or envious, because I don't wish I could have their life or be in their situation. I just wish I could have had my own, one where Jude, Victor, and I lived happily ever after. It wasn't meant to be though, and mourning a life that never existedis pointless.


Being pregnant was the amazing and horrible at the same time. I miss it and would never wish it upon any one else. In short, pregnancy is a HUGE oxymoron. It was the best of times and it was the worse of times.

I find it difficult to move on from the sad part sometimes. I want to be happy for these woman, but sometimes I just can't be (it truly depends on the situation and the girl). I want to be a huge bitch and say "Huh, really? your pregnant? You sure you should be a parent?"

Horrible I know -_-

I'm good though. I keep my mouth shut, smile and nod. It's not my life and its not my decision, so I should respect their decisions regardless of if I like them or not. I would suggest the same for anyone else.


Its a hard place to be. Being a birth mom and watching everyone around you do the job you chose not to do (for good reasons). I just try my best everyday just to be happy for them, and in the end I am. Most of these people are my friends and a good friends support one another. Just because I didn't have a chance to raise Jude, doesn't mean nobody else can.

Besides, this means when there will be some cute babies I can OOOH and AWW over.
;)

The Playlist: Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie

I know this song isn't about adoption and it isn't on my playlist yet, but it will be today. This song is about moving on and going on with your life, even if you don't really want to. Sometimes it just needs to be done, so that one day you can have peace and know you lived your life to achieve personal happiness.

"Big Girls Don't Cry"

Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS]

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be my Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]

La Da Da Da Da Da