Visit 3/3/12

This last weekend I had a wonderful visit with Jude, Katie and Greg! Before I get into this visit though, I need to share some back story so you understand my mind set during this visit.

A month or two ago I had a sort of a revelation or ephifany. This is really hard for some people to understand, so lets hope it goes well here.

I am very happy with where Jude is. I don't want him back. I don't want to raise him in anyway. He is better off with Katie and Greg and I am better off without Jude. I love getting pictures, updates, and visits. I never ever want to stop seeing him. I love him more than anything else in the world and would be thrilled if, when he's older, he would like to spend a weekend with me or even invite me to special events.  However, I'm fully aware that I am not his mother and I'm not going to pretend that I am. I gave birth to him. I will always love him like he is my son. I will always be there for him if or when he needs me. My mothering "duties" stop there. I'm not the one who wakes up with him when he gets sick in the middle of the night. I am not the one who will make him sandwiches for school. I'm not the one who will ground him for crashing the car. I will also not be the one who will get mothers day cards, watch him graduate from college, and drill the girl he brings home to marry. That is not a role I am meant to play in his life and I am happy that I won't be able to play that role. I have the opportunity to play a different role all together and I am perfectly excited about it.

Now that we have gotten that straight, I'll tell you about the visit.

We decided to go to the beach the day before. Victor was unsure if he had wanted to go to the beach with us, but he knew he wanted to see Jude. I asked Katie and Greg if we could have lunch before hand and they happily agreed. When I told my parents this, they got their big puppy eyes out and asked if they could come too. I couldn't say no to them, but honestly I just didn't want them to come that visit. It messed up a lot of different things. 1). That many people and people that he knows hates him (my stepdad especially) sets off his Aspergers and he becomes very quiet and anti-social. 2). I made it seem like it would only be me and Victor at the lunch and then all of a sudden two more people are there. 3). Because of its short notice I didn't have time to inform Victor's parents that Jude was coming for a visit. The adoption was hard on them too and I know for sure that at least Victor's mom would have liked to see him. It just sucks that my parents have the advantage of being right next to me when they hear Jude is in town. 

As stressed as I was though, lunch went by well. Victor interacted with Jude a bit. My parents talked to Greg and Katie. Victor and I really just talked to each other. I gave them their christmas presents and watched Jude build with blocks. My step dad even talked to Vlad for a bit about transferring to schools. At one point it got to be too much for Victor and he went outside, but other than that it was great. Later, after the visit, I told Victor about our day and he had said it wished it had gone differently because he felt like he didn't get the kind of visit he wanted because of all the stress and his Asperger's caused. 

After lunch, Katie, Greg, Jude, and I drove to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. We talked, walked along the pier, went in the water some. Jude and I played in the water, Katie and Greg did as well, but not at much because they weren't dress appropriately. We stayed there for a couple of hours. We changed Jude into a different outfit and got some stuff to eat. I went to the best candy store ever. Jude ate some Mum-mums and watermelon. Katie had cucumbers and pineapple and Greg ate a deep fried twinkie. Then we drove back to my house and parted ways from their. I don't know when our next visit is, but it doesn't matter. The whole time I was there I kind of felt like their nanny or like their family friend, but I was totally cool with it. They are both roles I'm good at playing and I like playing.

I was so happy to see them all. Jude has grown so much! He's starting to talk and babble. He can say Mama, dada, and hot. He walks and runs pretty well. Can built up blocks and knock them down. Sleeps through the night and eats all of his food. He has just started to throw tantrums, but they last two minutes at most. His favorite show is Yo Gabba Gabba! and he likes shoes. He looks like and acts most like Victor. He has so many physical traits that Victor has. Their eyes, their facial expressions, their swirl on the back of their head. Their both not morning people, eat almost anything, and sleep like the dead. Oh, my boys, my two favorite boys. 

 Until next time :)

Mother Wonder

So, in my last post I talked about the “What ifs” and said that the only thing I could possibly know about the future was what kind of mother I would be. Well, I have been thinking about that a lot lately for multiple reasons. One, my neighbor just had a baby a few days ago. Two, I’ve already started thinking about Jude’s birthday present. Three, I have a visit with Jude soon and that always makes me think of him more.

I thought I would share my views and thoughts on parenting with you lovely folks (because I know you all care so much). Really though, I’m doing this more for my self, so that when I’m like 30 and really do have my own kids, I can read this and either see that I stuck with my views or laugh at my younger naive self. 

Lets make some assumptions though because I have no REAL idea of how future me is going to be like. Lets assume that when I do have kids; I have no monetary limit and I have a supportive husband.

FURNITURE

I know I need to buy things like a crib, changing table, a swing, a stroller, and a car seat. But I hate the idea of buying something that doesn’t grow with the child and after a year I would need to get rid of it because its too small. I personally think its stupid. I would buy as much as possible with the ability to grow with the child. I’m not sure if I would want a crib, but like a small bed with a fence around it or something. I’d use a dresser with one of those padding used in a changing table on top or the floor.

There was this company that I found that I loved called Stokke. They make products that grow with the child, like their bed is made for birth until 10 yrs. old. Their high chair is made to last all stages of life, birth until death. Amazing, cool, and expensive, but if that crib/bed would last me 10 years then its worth it. Anything I couldn’t buy that would grow with the baby, I would buy second hand stuff. There is a wonderful world of Goodwill and Salvation Army out there, why not use them to full advantage?

BEHAVIOR

This covers everything from sleeping, eating, play time, scheduling, etc. I’m going to make this short and to the point because some of these we can go on and on about.

• Sleep - Baby sleeping in its own space. No Co-sleeping what so ever. I toss and turn and sleep on top pillows and it would just be bad. 
• Eating - Love meat, love veggies, love sugar, love fast food; In short I love food. I want to my children to love and experience food too. Not too much of the bad stuff and definitely try different cultures food
• Crying - I’m a big believer in babies cry for no reason some times. Letting them cry it out sometimes is, in my mind, is ok. I mean I wouldn’t do this for twenty minutes, but for five is reasonable. If i’m doing something like taking out the trash or taking a shower and the baby starts crying. I finish taking the trash out and I finish washing what ever I was washing, then go get the baby. 
• Scheduling - I want this baby/kid on a somewhat flexible schedule. I want it to become more strict as he/she gets older, but not too strict.

OTHER

• I am vaccinating my children.
• C-section and drugs all the way when it comes to child birth.
• I am sending them to day care, even if its for one day a week.
• I want to be a stay at home mom while they are in preK-5th grade, then go back to work after that.
• I will tell them, when their old enough and/or if Jude is in our lives, that Jude is their family and how he’s my birth son and all that.
• I think I would use both cloth and disposable diapers.

Now this is all assuming I’m at an appropriate age to have a kid and all my ducks are in a row, so to speak. If I would have kept Jude or had another baby now, things would be totally different. I would just need to get by with whatever I can. I would have to work most of my day, buy everything second hand, and not have much help from Victor. There are too many factors to determine how I would be. I only know one thing that I would definitely do as a teen parent.

If I was teen or young adult, like I am now, I would give up EVERYTHING and ALMOST any thing that would be something a typical teenager would do. As far as I’m concerned, being a teenager is a privilege and a relatively new one at that. I lost the privilege to go out and drink, do drugs (if I ever did do any), go out with friends randomly, and other teenage things, the moment the second pink line appeared. You can’t have the lifestyle of a teenager and a mom symotantiously. 

I love kids and definitely want at least one more in the near future, but for now I’m happy with the life I’m living. Lets see if ten years from now, if I still accept these parenting views or not.

Authors Note: In the famous words of India Arie “Don’t be offended, this is all my opinion, ain’t nothin’ that I’m saying law”. In other words, nothing I say is fact just my opinion. If you don’t like what I’m saying, you can stop reading.

There is a Hole in my Body

When I gave Jude up and left the hospital, I was devistated. I literally felt a hole in my heart. A piece of me was missing from my heart and sometimes it felt like I had a hole in my chest. There was no pain. Just a hole in my chest. I could feel the skin dip down into my chest and I couldn’t feel that area where the hole was.

That feeling went away though. The hole never did go away though, nor do I think it will. The feeling went away though and I could function.

That feeling came back. It was random. I wasn’t sad, I just felt like I was missing something. That something wasn’t right in my life and I missed Jude. The hole in my chest came back and it stayed there for a night.

I wasn’t sad. I didn’t cry. I didn’t pine for a fantasy. I just missed my birth son and wanted to hold him. 

The hole was gone the next morning. The hole is gone now.

I wonder how long it will stay gone?

The "What if" Factor

What if?

Its the big question in life. Trying to guess if the things you didn’t do are regrets or good choices. To a birth mom its a huge question.

What if I had kept my baby? 

Its a big thing to contemplate. I used to think about it all the time in the begging of the adoption and often during pregnancy. So many things to consider. So many things would change and be completely different. 

What If I had Kept Jude?

• What would my life be like?
• Would I be happy? Would Jude be happy?
• What kind of mom would I have been?
• How would Jude turn out with Victor and I as parents?
• What would Victor’s role be in our lives?
• Where would we have lived?
• What would my parents think?
• What would Victors parents think?
• Would I have been able to go to school?
• and the list goes on and on…..

I don’t think about this question as much anymore. It crosses my mind every once in a while, usually caused by a parenting tip or opinion I read somewhere. I can’t change the past, so why think about a life that doesn’t exist?

I can’t help but wonder though and I’m sure other Birth Moms do as well sometimes, What if? 

I Hate Everything

Seriously though, I'm every where today. UP then Down, distracted then focus, happy then sad, sexy then ugly. I'm just one big mess. I don't really know what to do. Its why I haven't really wrote anything. Over the last few weeks I have been sick, got a concussion, got a guinea pig (:D!), and all sorts of other stuff. So this week, I'm just gonna update all you all on the adoption over the last few weeks because I am clearly not sane right now.

So, a couple weeks ago, I found out Katie and Greg had moved. A big surprise to me! I was pissed, 1/4 of the reason because this violates our legal contract, but since they moved like two blocks away from their old house, I didn't really care. 3/4 of the reason because I had sent their christmas presents to their old address. I went to the post office last week and they told me that who ever was at that house, took the package and signed for it and stuff. Greg called the new tennants at the old house and they swear they didnt get a package. Liars
-____-

So I re-bought everything and I will give it to them at our next visit. I'm super bummed I had to re-buy everything, but I cant just let Jude have no christmas present! He's too cute not to get anything. :P

Speaking of which, our next visit will be in March some time. My dad has let me use the family beach house for my birthday (I'll be 21 in February), but the house is being used on my birthday, so I will be using it one weekend in March. I invited Katie, Greg, and Jude to stay with me while I'm down there. They'll probably hang out for a day or so, and I couldn't be more excited.

Other than that, nothing really else to report. Victor seems more involved in wanting to know more about Jude and enjoying looking at pictures of him. I'm not really sure if its a phase or maybe Victor is having some emotional issues with the adoption and I just don't know about them yet. Whatever the reason, I'm happy he's more involved and worried he going through something he isn't telling me.

Until next time followers

The Playlist: I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz

Ok, so I just got this song like one day ago. I didn't really listen to it, but I like Jason Mraz a lot so I knew I would like this song. I just listened to it like a half an hour ago in the car, and (I shit you not) I was almost in tears. I was trying so hard not to cry because I was on my way to see Victor for the first time in a month and I didn't want him to see me like that.

So I held it together, but Oh My Goodness this song reminded me so much of the adoption! It reminded me of my feels during the adoption, my feelings now, and how much I wonder what kind of relationship Jude and I will have in the future. Its just like....Wow.

Its a love song some of the parts don't really apply, but overall its one of my new favorite songs. 

"I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz

Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmm ...

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

I am Infanite

Happy New Year Everyone!
I hope it is a good one for everyone. Its the time of year where we make promises or resolutions to our selves and (most often not) go through with them. Now I'm realistic and also know that things change every day, so I don't make resolutions. If I do, then there horribly vague. Like, "It would be nice if I tried to loose some weight this year". This year though, I guess, is different.
It started a month ago. After a bit of mental deliberation and some inner soul searching I guess I found out my big problem in life and was finally able to express it to my therapist.
I never feel like I'm good enough for anyone. I have no self worth.
This has been a problem my whole life. Through other peoples actions and words, whether they mean to or not, they have made me feel worthless. For most of my life, I believe them and begin to think that I'm not good enough for them, or anyone else really. They're are people who have effected it more than others.
Victor was a big one. He was and is a big part of my life. I've known him since 7th grade, dated him for 7 years, had a baby with him, went through an adoption with him, and he has become my best friend. I tried very hard to be the best girlfriend ever. He was my first everything. I loved him with all my heart. Then out of no where he decided he didn't love me anymore. I felt like I died that day. A month later I was pregnant, and any kind of mourning I needed to do was put on the back burner. Jude became my priority and Victor and I's non-relationship was not important. After the adoption was final, I had to deal with the emotions from the adoption. Again, the non-relationship took a back seat. It wasn't until about 5 months after the adoption, that Victor had told me he met some one new and was in love. Needless to say, I flipped out and dove into a jealous, angry, depressed, resentful mess. I had to deal with the adoption, the non-relationship, and anything else that was going on at that time.
I just kept thinking to my self; what did I do wrong? Maybe I didn't try hard enough, Maybe I needed to be better at sex, Maybe I should have nagged less. I tried so hard to make Victor happy. I still try very hard to make Victor happy. I know he appreciates it and he tries as well to make me happy. No matter what though, He makes me feel worthless. He doesn't hit me or insult me. In fact he's one of the few people that tells me I'm beautiful almost every single day. I look at him sometimes, and I'm reminded of the failure of our relationship and how I wasn't enough for him.
My parents are another big one. My sister and I have this running joke, we have four parents (1 mom, 1 dad, 1 stepmom, and 1 stepdad) and we still didn't get any good ones. Our mom is really the best of them all. She has been understanding with my situation and has tried her best to make living at home (again) easy for me, because she knows I absolutely hate it. It wasn't easy though growing up in her house. To many changes happened to her that lead to crappy things and I was a victim of the crappy outcomes. When my mom married my stepdad, it made me really wonder why she wasn't happy with our lives the way it was before? When it was just the three of us. I had always thought we were happy, but I guess there are two sides to every story.
My stepdad was and still is no easy person to live with. I like to think of him as a really stale nut. The shell is extremely hard, but inside is the good part. He has been very nice to me and Sarah as we grew up and has certainly been a better dad to us at times than our real dad is, but he has a lot of characteristics that make him unbearable at times. He's loud (if yelling were a sport, he'd be world champ), set in his ways, needs things to be done now and a certain way, and thinks very highly of him self and a few others. I also fine him rude and moronic at times. He can make me feel inadequate on a daily bases. For Instance, the other day I had eaten breakfast, gone to work, and shopped afterwards, leading me to be gone most of the day. When he got home though he asked me if I had left the butter out. I said I guess I had. Then he said, and I quote, "Well don't do that. I think thats very immature of you and I know you can be a better person than that." ...... Ok then. If its not this then its another thing; not putting my dishes away immediately or leaving a light on means I have no sense of responsibility. Asking to make cookies before dinner means I don't care about what others need to do. Cutting up my meat before I eat it means that I am childish and not a "lady". Like I said, its always something.
My stepmom and Dad are just.........well, some what crappy people. My dad has never let me think I'm worth much to him. I think thats one of the outcomes of being a bastard though. When my dad and stepmom had there own kids though, they became more involved in their lives, than with Sarah and mines. I guess in retrospect this is what should happen, because my siblings lived with my dad and Sarah and I didn't, but regardless it still hurt. What was the real icing on the cake was when I found out I was pregnant. My stepmom had decided I was being selfish by continuing to be pregnant instead of getting an abortion and I guess my dad believed her or something. Honestly, I don't know what my dad thought. They told me they didn't want anyone on that side of the family to know, so don't tell them. They also told me that they didn't want my, at that time, 8 and 11 year old brother and sister to know either, so they told me not to some over to their house or visit them until I was no longer pregnant. I am also not allowed to talk about the pregnancy, Jude, or the adoption to this day. As far as I know, my brother and sister still don't know that I ever was pregnant. You can imagine how I felt when they told me all this. The biggest fear for any kid is hearing that there mom or dad doesn't or love them anymore, well that was them telling me that they didn't want me anymore.
The last big one is Jude. Jude, my sweet baby boy, has done nothing directly to me to make me feel worthless. I love him more than anything else in the world and I do not regret my decision to stay pregnant, have him, and give him up for adoption in anyway. I had to give him up though because I knew I couldn't take care of him. In theory a mother should be able to take care of her baby, and I couldn't. I wouldn't have been able to give him the life I thought he deserved. Not being able to take care of him, not being able to be a mother to him, is what makes me feel worthless.
I know this is sounding depressing, but bare with me because it gets better.
I've decided that this is no longer acceptable. I am not worthless dammit! I have done some amazing things in my short 21 years of life and no one; not a boy, family, friends, or who ever should be able to tear me down. So my New Years resolution is to gain some self worth.
Victor was an amazing relationship that I don't regret. But he is not the only boy out there. No boy, no matter how amazing I think he is, should make me feel worthless. I start with by forgiving my self. I tried my hardest, but for what ever reason our love didn't work out. It's not my fault, its not Victors fault. It just is. I'm sincerely happy that Victor has found some one new and I hope he finds happiness with this person. As for me, maybe if I forgive my self for this, I can find happiness with some one new too.
My parents can try to tear me down if they like. By either making snide comments on how I "should" act or whether they don't say anything at all about a big part of my life, but it wont work. I'm going to start commenting back. This is my life and I should be able to do what makes me happy, whether it is cutting my meat into little pieces or being able to talk about Jude. If this makes me "rude", "disrespectful", and possibly even a "bitch", then so be it. I wont let you verbally hurt me anymore.
Adoption was really the best thing for Jude. I may have not been able to be a mother to him, but I gave him what he needed. I see mothers who can't do that for their kids when they do keep them. I made damn well sure Jude is taken care of and loved. Which he is, by his parents, by me and Victor, by my family, and Victor's family. He will never be unwanted, neglected, or unloved.
To help me, I have my infinity necklace.

I will remind my self of this everyday until I can look in the mirror and say to my self, "I am worth something. If not to others than to my self." I am strong, compassionate, beautiful, funny, and smart. I am infinitely better than I think I am. I am infinitely amazing.
Today, I start loving my self. Today, I become worthy of my self and others.
Happy New Years
May 2012 be as amazing as you all are

Ho Ho Holiday Emotions

So guess what….The holidays are here! No shit right? Seriously though, its a time for family, good will towards people, and giving and receiving. For me though, it means stress and family traditions. I’ve been super busy getting presents for everyone, wrapping them, and working. Then I have to worry about making sure I spend enough time with my moms family and my dads. On top of all that, Victor is in Germany until January 9th and any free time I have will be boring :/.

The holidays are always the worst when it comes to the adoption as well. Last year, the first christmas of the adoption, I was a wreck. I didn’t want to do anything and I spent any free time crying. I also semi-dramatically left christmas eve mass crying because I couldn’t handle my emotions.

This year, I have been handling everything pretty well. I sent Jude, Katie, and Greg’s gift off a few days ago and hopefully they will like them. I’ve been making my Nana a scrapbook of Jude’s pictures and hopefully soon, I will be working on Victors present (which is a stuffed animal of Rainbow Dash from My Little Pony: Friendship is magic, yes Victor is a Brony). There are only a few moments when I really wish I could see Jude, Katie, and Greg for the holidays.

Christmas time is a time for family traditions and sometimes I wish I could share those with Jude. Every Year my mom would buy us ordainments with the year on them. I wanted to try to do the same thing with Jude, so last year I bought Jude an ordainment. However this year I have been so busy with work and school that I forgot until just now…..literally as I was writing this *Face -> Palm*. I could try to put something together, but honestly maybe it is better that I let his actual parents buy him ordainments. I might send one every once in a while, but I think I need to let him and his family make their own traditions. 

Family get togethers are another hard one, but easy at the same time. I wish he was there and that everyone could see him, but at the same time I know my family…… its a good thing he isn’t around some of them.

The last thing is the fact that I don’t see him at all during the holidays. I honestly just didn’t think about it when we drew up the contract. So I just planned for his birthday and mine. But today I got asked if I was going to see him during the holidays. Its not a ridiculous question, in theory I should try to see Jude, Katie, and Greg for christmas what with them being family and all. But we have no plans to do so. I could ask Katie and Greg if they had some free time and meet them in the city next to their town, but I don’t even have time to go to Los Gatos, the town (and I shit you not) two minutes away from my house! Not only that, but what if they say no or I make them feel awkward? Could I handle the rejection of them saying No? I would feel horribly guilty if they agreed to seeing me but felt awkward for doing so. Its just a lot to think about.

I haven’t cried once though. I guess I’m just not sad anymore and that is so relieving in so many different ways. I hope Jude, Katie, and Greg have a wonderful Christmas and New Years together.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and New Years filled with love and happiness!

<3 

Secret Confession 1

I don’t really have anything to say this week so I thought I would post a secret to keep things interesting.

Here’s the first one…..

I sleep with one of Jude’s spit up rags every night. Some times I hold it, sometimes I just sleep with it under my pillow. It never leaves my bed though, and if any one sleeps in my bed for what ever reason, I put it some where else so that persons smell will not get to it. I have not and will not ever wash it.

Depressed Much?

Alright, so I’ve been wondering lately if I’m becoming or still am “clinically depressed”. I only put quotations around those words because I know that I am depressed as in just plain sad sometimes, and that I don’t have a chemical imbalance (that I know of) going on. I also believe in post-pardum depression and was diagnosed with it shortly after I gave birth. Personally, I don’t think I had post-pardum but I did know that I was depressed because of the adoption and “losing” a baby. My mood and mental state were only getting worse by the day, and so I went along with my doctor and started taking Anti-depressants.

I was on them for about 6 months. Then one day I got REALLY REALLY REALLY sick and couldn’t drink water with out it coming back up, let alone a pill. I was sick for like three days and after then I never really took the pills again.

Recently though I’ve been really worried that I’ve had to go back on. I’ve been really weepy. I cry at all the commericials that are horribly sad. Soldiers coming home, Sarah McLaughlin telling me I’m a crappy person because I don’t adopt all the animals in the world, and especially the trailer for Titanic 3D (Damn you Celine Dion!). I realize this also could mean I’m not a heartless person, but depression was the first thing that came to mind.

Well, I went to my therapist last week and I told her what I think. She asked me how I’ve been eating and sleeping, what my mood has been like, and what have I been doing. Everything has been normal. She told me that she doesn’t think that I need to go back on the anti-depressants.

That was such a reilf for me. I don’t want to go back on my pills. I’m just so done being sad over the whole adoption. My life has moved forward and I’m happy with the adoption as it is. The only thing that ever really makes me sad is how much I miss Jude, but thats to be expected and that sadness doesn’t run my life. I don’t want to go back to the horribly depressed state that I was in when I first gave Jude up.

Don’t get me wrong, I needed to be on anti-depressants after I gave Jude up. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I cried all the time, and I just wanted to sleep. Sadly, life goes on no matter what mood your in. I needed to work on school, get a job, and just start trying to put myself back together. My anti-depressants helped me through that. However, it was never my intention to stay on them for a long time. I didn’t want to stay on them for a long time.

I know some people need that and I support them, but I didn’t and don’t have a chemical imbalance. I don’t need to be on them for the rest of my life and honestly, I’m glad I don’t. I’m happy I could work through the last bit of my depression by my self and find my own happiness that way. I know I’m still a long way from being put back together, because my life was shattered in so many different ways, but I do know that I am taking crucial steps to getting there.

I guess its true what they say, It’s always darkest before the dawn…..