Thursday
I'm sitting around a large wooden table in a conference room in Salinas. I drove through rain and wind to get here on time. I sit at the end of the table with six other women, two of them birth mothers, one of them an adult adoptee, one them is a birth mom and an adoptee, and the last two women run the meeting. Oddly enough all the birth moms there had sons, like me. They are all older than me, they lived in a different time and society had different views on adoption. They listen to me, the new-girl, explain how I feel, what has gone on since the last time we met, and share pictures. I listen to them say how it gets easier over time, how they dealt/deal with their feelings, their personal experiences, and how they're doing now. Their son's are grown, some with children of their own. The adoptees explain their feelings of anger, abandonment, and fear of meeting their biological parents.
I think about my own experience. I think about how Jude might feel when he's older. Will he hate me? Will he be angry with me for giving him up, for "abandoning" him? Will I be what he expects or wants me to be? I think about how much I miss him and his smile.
Friday
I'm sitting in a small room on a couch very low to the ground. I'm talking to my therapist, a petite woman with short hair. She listens to me bitch about my dad and amber and the recent trouble I've gotten in with them. I tell her about my pregnancy and my circle of support. I talk about my mom, Sarah, my friends, and Victor. We talk about school, the weather, and the small details of my life. I reflect on the life I lived, the life I did live, the life I could have lived, and the life I want to live.
I think about the life Jude could have had with me. I think about how we would have lived, the environment he would had grown up in, what I would have had to do to make sure we could live, and how his life would have been. I cry thinking about how grateful I am that I found Katie and Greg. I think about how much I miss him.
Saturday
I worked all day. I didn't have time to think deeply about Jude. At night, I pack for my three day trip. I fall asleep holding the hospital blanket I stole the day I left. It used to smell like him. It used to smell like newborn baby. I hold it, wishing it still smelled like him.
I think about how much I miss him.
Sunday
I watched snow fall. I drove to my family's condo in Tahoe alone. It was a long drive and my first time driving in snow. The condo hadn't changed since the last time I had been there. I get myself settled in and watch the snow fall.
I think about inviting Katie and Greg to come up with Jude one time. I think about if they'll teach him skiing or snowboarding. I think about the future he'll have that I wont see. I think about how much I miss him.
Monday
I took a tour of UNR. I watched people my age go to class, run fundraising booths for sororities and fraternities, hanging out in the dining commons with friends. All things I should be doing right now in my life. I went back to the condo and went out snowboarding the rest of the day. I rode the best I ever had in my life and ended up with the lower half of my face sunburned. I watched TV the rest of the night. I think about what my life was before I got pregnant.
I think about what I wish my life was like. I think about what my life would have been like if I had never gotten pregnant. I think about how it wouldn't have been the same. I think about how much I miss him.
Tuesday
I went out to my favorite breakfast place, cleaned the condo, and drove home all day. I looked at pictures of him when I got home and watched the short movie I made for him the last night I had him in the hospital. I cried for most of the day.
I think about if I'll ever be able to share my favorite and special places in the world. I think about the last few days and reflect what I thought about. I cry thinking about how much I miss him.
Every day is different. Every day I think about new things. One thing stays the same though. No matter what happens. No matter how happy, sad, angry I may be. No matter how far I travel. I will always think about how much I miss Jude, and more importantly, I will always think about how much I love him.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Mine, "Mine", MINE
I've been talking about Jude and the adoption a lot this past week. I had a project on adoption due this week and talked about my experience in class, I ended up telling some people in a different class that I was pregnant the previous quarter, and I saw an old friend that had knew I was pregnant last year. When I talk about Jude, show pictures of him, and explain who he is I always have to use the same two words that bother me the most; My and Mine.
I love bragging about Jude and how cute, smart, and over all how awesome he is. I love showing pictures of him and hearing how adorable he is. And I love talking about adoption, educating others about the process, and sharing my experience with others. However, I absolutely HATE having to say "This is my son Jude.", "I have/had a baby.", "He's mine.", or anything along those lines.
My and Mine; They used to be two extremely objective words. If something was yours, then its belonged to you. You might share it with some one else, but over all its yours. It's such an easy concept, its one of the first few concepts babies/toddlers learn. There's a whole phase that toddlers go through where they do nothing but say everything is theirs. I'm pretty sure its called the "Mine Phase". Things are easy then, black and white. Yours and not yours.
I'm going to tell you all something about me that most people don't know about me. I have a really bad habit of not sharing things that I consider mine. I like to keep what is mine, MINE. I don't have a sharing problem. I'm very good at sharing things, just not the things I consider mine. The good news is there are a few things I consider mine. I will absolutely not (and never will) share. 1). My iPod 2). My Boyfriend (if I ever get another one) and 3). My personal space.
If any of you didn't notice, Jude doesn't make that list. He can't and never did. I love him more than anything else in the world, but he's not mine. And if he ever was, he isn't now. Heres the catch though, he is technically mine (at least thats what the birth certificate says). I acknowledge it, but I honestly hate saying it.
If I tell the whole story I don't feel as bad saying that he is mine. If a friend just sees a picture and is wondering who that is though, thats when it becomes difficult. Like I said, I love bragging about Jude, but guilt sweeps over me when I have to say he's mine. I always feel like I'm lying or that Katie and Greg can sense that I'm saying it and they'll resent me. They're not those kind of people and I could never see them becoming those people, but I'm a paranoid person and can't help thinking it.
This week I've had to tell numerous people about "my" son and the adoption. Half of it is my fault because of the project. The other half just happened to happen this week. Luckily for me, by Thursday it ended. As I drove home from school Thursday afternoon I came to realize that My and Mine were not objective, they were subjective.
Mine is in the eye of the beholder. For instance, take the Palestinian's and Israeli's. Israeli's claims that Israel is their homeland and rightfully belongs to them, but so do the Palestinians. It's all subjective, just depends on how you look at it. Some people look at Jude and think of him as mine. Other's look at Jude and see him as Katie and Greg's. The law says that he is Katie and Greg's. His medical records will say that he's mine. I think that what really is important is what I think. Katie and Greg were always his parents, he has always belonged to them. He will always be "my" son, but he was never mine.
I love bragging about Jude and how cute, smart, and over all how awesome he is. I love showing pictures of him and hearing how adorable he is. And I love talking about adoption, educating others about the process, and sharing my experience with others. However, I absolutely HATE having to say "This is my son Jude.", "I have/had a baby.", "He's mine.", or anything along those lines.
My and Mine; They used to be two extremely objective words. If something was yours, then its belonged to you. You might share it with some one else, but over all its yours. It's such an easy concept, its one of the first few concepts babies/toddlers learn. There's a whole phase that toddlers go through where they do nothing but say everything is theirs. I'm pretty sure its called the "Mine Phase". Things are easy then, black and white. Yours and not yours.
I'm going to tell you all something about me that most people don't know about me. I have a really bad habit of not sharing things that I consider mine. I like to keep what is mine, MINE. I don't have a sharing problem. I'm very good at sharing things, just not the things I consider mine. The good news is there are a few things I consider mine. I will absolutely not (and never will) share. 1). My iPod 2). My Boyfriend (if I ever get another one) and 3). My personal space.
If any of you didn't notice, Jude doesn't make that list. He can't and never did. I love him more than anything else in the world, but he's not mine. And if he ever was, he isn't now. Heres the catch though, he is technically mine (at least thats what the birth certificate says). I acknowledge it, but I honestly hate saying it.
If I tell the whole story I don't feel as bad saying that he is mine. If a friend just sees a picture and is wondering who that is though, thats when it becomes difficult. Like I said, I love bragging about Jude, but guilt sweeps over me when I have to say he's mine. I always feel like I'm lying or that Katie and Greg can sense that I'm saying it and they'll resent me. They're not those kind of people and I could never see them becoming those people, but I'm a paranoid person and can't help thinking it.
This week I've had to tell numerous people about "my" son and the adoption. Half of it is my fault because of the project. The other half just happened to happen this week. Luckily for me, by Thursday it ended. As I drove home from school Thursday afternoon I came to realize that My and Mine were not objective, they were subjective.
Mine is in the eye of the beholder. For instance, take the Palestinian's and Israeli's. Israeli's claims that Israel is their homeland and rightfully belongs to them, but so do the Palestinians. It's all subjective, just depends on how you look at it. Some people look at Jude and think of him as mine. Other's look at Jude and see him as Katie and Greg's. The law says that he is Katie and Greg's. His medical records will say that he's mine. I think that what really is important is what I think. Katie and Greg were always his parents, he has always belonged to them. He will always be "my" son, but he was never mine.
Friday, March 18, 2011
The Playlist: Goodbye by Avril Lavigne
For those of you who don't know, I LOVE my iPod. On the list of things that I need to live in this world, it comes second on the list. On my computer, on my iPhone, and of course on my iPod I have a playlist filled with song that remind me of Jude. Their songs that were popular during my pregnancy, songs that make me think of jude, songs that have the same feelings that I feel or felt, and songs that remind me of my childhood.
Music has always be very therapeutic for me. Either by giving me a release from the world or just having some one else say the words I feel for me because I can't. Sometimes listening to the songs make me cry, reminding me of what I lost and how much I miss Jude. Most of the time though they remind me of what I do have and how much I love Jude.
So I thought I would start posting the lyrics to songs I run by that mean something to me, make me think of Jude, and are or will be on my Jude playlist.
I'm starting off with a song I just found. I love Avril Lavigne, always have. I think she has unique voice and a unique style. "Goodbye" is off her newest album "Goodbye Lullaby" and I found it the week it came out. My interpretation of the song is she's singing about some one she loves and has has to leave him.
"Goodbye" by Avril Lavigne
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye my love
I can't hide, can't hide, can't hide what has come
I have to go.
I have to go.
I have to go,
and leave you alone,
but always know,
Always know,
Always know that I love you so.
I love you so.
I love you so.
Goodbye brown eyes.
Goodbye for now.
Goodbye sunshine.
take care of yourself.
I have to go.
I have to go.
I have to go,
and leave you alone,
but always know.
Always know.
Always know,
that I love you so I love you so.
oh
I love you so.
ohhh
La-lullaby distract me with your eyes.
La-lullaby
La-lullaby help me sleep tonight.
La-lullaby
(la-lullaby)
La-lullaby
I have to go.
I have to go.
I have to go and leave you alone.
But always know,
Always know,
Always know that I love you so.
I love you so.
I love you so.
Ohhhhhh
I love you so.
I love you so.
I love you so.
I love you so.
Goodbye brown eyes,
Goodbye my love.
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye my love
I can't hide, can't hide, can't hide what has come
I have to go.
I have to go.
I have to go,
and leave you alone,
but always know,
Always know,
Always know that I love you so.
I love you so.
I love you so.
Goodbye brown eyes.
Goodbye for now.
Goodbye sunshine.
take care of yourself.
I have to go.
I have to go.
I have to go,
and leave you alone,
but always know.
Always know.
Always know,
that I love you so I love you so.
oh
I love you so.
ohhh
La-lullaby distract me with your eyes.
La-lullaby
La-lullaby help me sleep tonight.
La-lullaby
(la-lullaby)
La-lullaby
I have to go.
I have to go.
I have to go and leave you alone.
But always know,
Always know,
Always know that I love you so.
I love you so.
I love you so.
Ohhhhhh
I love you so.
I love you so.
I love you so.
I love you so.
Goodbye brown eyes,
Goodbye my love.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Support in Breif
I've been thinking a lot about support these days. Where it comes from, what kinds, and the support I received and I didn't receive. There things that were objective, things that everyone needs. Financial support, health, food, a place to stay these are all things everyone needs; pregnant or not. Subjectively, women planning on giving up their babies and adoptive parents as well, need emotional support. I say its subjective because every person is different. Some need more emotional support than others and some need less. Unfortunately not every girl receives emotional support, standard support, or both.
I was lucky enough to have a supportive family (mostly), partner, and friends who helped anyway they could. I was covered by my step dad's insurance, my parents let me move back home with them after my first year of college was over (and even now), Katie, Greg, Natty, and many others helped me out with clothes (either buying me new ones or giving me hand-me-downs), and I found a part time jobs babysitting (ironic I know) to pay for other expenses. My standard support system was set and sturdy.
My emotional support was iffy, because in some areas it was better than other areas. I received huge amounts of support from my mom and Victor. They were my rocks and I wouldn't have made it through this process with out them. Sara was supportive, but it was (and still is) her senior year and had a life of her own going on. She came threw in the end though, when I needed her most. I had friends that always wanted to know how I was doing and would visit me. Victor was great at taking me out and going with me to places. I get bored very easily and when your pregnant your options on stuff to do is limited. He went with me almost everywhere; movies, the drive-in, the Renaissance Faire, the beach and anywhere else I wanted. Plus he was easy to talk to. We were always comfortable with each other and talk about everything. He was also, as awful as this sounds, was the person I could really yell at about stuff and cry with. I there were only two people who really didn't support me (or at least I felt like they didn't) and that was my dad and Amber. They had their own idea's of how I should have dealt with my pregnancy and decided to handle my situation with other people very poorly (at least in my opinion. You ask them and they'll tell you their doing the right thing).
Outside resources are a great way to get support. One on One therapy can certainly help. Just having some one listen to your problems that is a natural person. She doesn't have any connections or preferences with the adoptive parents or the birth parents. She is just a bystander hearing your side of the story and giving Support groups are great if u can find them. I live in one of the most populated cities in Cali. and I can't find a single support group here. I do attend one in Salinas though (about an hour south of San Jose) and I love it. I was the youngest one there, and the only one with an open adoption. I may be the youngest there, but these women were my age once and thought the same things and felt the same feelings as me at one point or another. I value what they have to say and have so many different point of views on adoption, how to deal with their emotions, how to move on, and other things that I'm dealing with right now. Blogs, websites, forums, and chat rooms are another great source. Righting this blog has really helped me just say what I need to say. Sometimes I've got so many thoughts going on about Jude and the adoption as a whole I need to just tell someone. But sometimes the person you end up telling has different feelings on the subject, gets the wrong ideas, or is biased towards you or another person. Here I can just say what I want and need to say with out worrying about others. Be carful though, not all blogs and websites are pro-adoption and not all chat rooms and forums are filled with birth moms looking for support.
These support systems doesn't just come from other people though. YOU need to support yourself. If your depending on other people all the time thats how you'll live your life, and one day all those people you counted on wont be there any more and you wont know know how to take care of your self. Honestly, I don't know what I would have done with out my friends and family supporting me, but ultimately it was my own support that got me through. Telling myself (either out loud or in my head) "I can do this. I can do this. I can do this." got me through the last day at the hospital, the 30 days afterwards I could have changed my mind, the first and second visit, and it will probably get me threw other situations I'll face in the future. If you can't support your self, to have confidence in your self and your decisions, in one of the most important situations in your life, how can you support your self any other time in your life?
I was lucky enough to have a supportive family (mostly), partner, and friends who helped anyway they could. I was covered by my step dad's insurance, my parents let me move back home with them after my first year of college was over (and even now), Katie, Greg, Natty, and many others helped me out with clothes (either buying me new ones or giving me hand-me-downs), and I found a part time jobs babysitting (ironic I know) to pay for other expenses. My standard support system was set and sturdy.
My emotional support was iffy, because in some areas it was better than other areas. I received huge amounts of support from my mom and Victor. They were my rocks and I wouldn't have made it through this process with out them. Sara was supportive, but it was (and still is) her senior year and had a life of her own going on. She came threw in the end though, when I needed her most. I had friends that always wanted to know how I was doing and would visit me. Victor was great at taking me out and going with me to places. I get bored very easily and when your pregnant your options on stuff to do is limited. He went with me almost everywhere; movies, the drive-in, the Renaissance Faire, the beach and anywhere else I wanted. Plus he was easy to talk to. We were always comfortable with each other and talk about everything. He was also, as awful as this sounds, was the person I could really yell at about stuff and cry with. I there were only two people who really didn't support me (or at least I felt like they didn't) and that was my dad and Amber. They had their own idea's of how I should have dealt with my pregnancy and decided to handle my situation with other people very poorly (at least in my opinion. You ask them and they'll tell you their doing the right thing).
Outside resources are a great way to get support. One on One therapy can certainly help. Just having some one listen to your problems that is a natural person. She doesn't have any connections or preferences with the adoptive parents or the birth parents. She is just a bystander hearing your side of the story and giving Support groups are great if u can find them. I live in one of the most populated cities in Cali. and I can't find a single support group here. I do attend one in Salinas though (about an hour south of San Jose) and I love it. I was the youngest one there, and the only one with an open adoption. I may be the youngest there, but these women were my age once and thought the same things and felt the same feelings as me at one point or another. I value what they have to say and have so many different point of views on adoption, how to deal with their emotions, how to move on, and other things that I'm dealing with right now. Blogs, websites, forums, and chat rooms are another great source. Righting this blog has really helped me just say what I need to say. Sometimes I've got so many thoughts going on about Jude and the adoption as a whole I need to just tell someone. But sometimes the person you end up telling has different feelings on the subject, gets the wrong ideas, or is biased towards you or another person. Here I can just say what I want and need to say with out worrying about others. Be carful though, not all blogs and websites are pro-adoption and not all chat rooms and forums are filled with birth moms looking for support.
These support systems doesn't just come from other people though. YOU need to support yourself. If your depending on other people all the time thats how you'll live your life, and one day all those people you counted on wont be there any more and you wont know know how to take care of your self. Honestly, I don't know what I would have done with out my friends and family supporting me, but ultimately it was my own support that got me through. Telling myself (either out loud or in my head) "I can do this. I can do this. I can do this." got me through the last day at the hospital, the 30 days afterwards I could have changed my mind, the first and second visit, and it will probably get me threw other situations I'll face in the future. If you can't support your self, to have confidence in your self and your decisions, in one of the most important situations in your life, how can you support your self any other time in your life?
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
The Constant Reminders
I swear I think the world tries to find ways to rub in my face that I don't have a baby. When I was pregnant I didn't notice anyone else being pregnant, not even when I would go to my OGBYN. Maybe I was busy with the adoption and the constant changing of my life to notice any one else's, either way I didn't notice then. After I had Jude though, friggin' babies everywhere!
I know its a good thing (for the most part) that the population is growing and I'm all for babies. Love them! Think there adorable and cute! I hate though, that I'm constantly reminded that I had one and gave one up. Not to say that I regret my decision, God no, he's so much better off and very happy where he is. I feel like other people rub there happiness in there face and their smiles say "Look at what your missing out on. This is so much fun and its so easy". Now, I'm a smart person. I know its not easy, if it was easy everyone would keep there kids. Sometimes though, when I look at the new babies and the young babies in a store or hear about how Jude is growing, I wonder what I'm missing. And when I try to shake the idea and try to get away from places with babies, more babies appear!
There everywhere!! The mall, grocery stores, theaters, even school! Babies, Babies, Babies! (Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!) There is never just one, if it was one person in the store with a baby I wouldn't care. I always happen to go on the days where everyone and their aunt is either pregnant or has a baby with them. I just get tired of seeing them. The more babies I see the more I think about Jude, the more I think about Jude the more I miss Jude, the more I miss Jude the sadder I become. This is not a cycle I enjoy being in.
The worse is the media. I'm seeing babies in all my shows I watch; Hellcats and One Tree Hill were on tonight. I just got into Hellcats and I used to watch One Tree Hill back when Chad Michael Murray was the main character; both of which have multiple baby issues (btw nobody tell me what happened in Hellcats, I didn't finish watching it. It got to dangerously filled with drama for my taste). Then there are shows that are just obviously filled with babies but are so popular you can't not watch them. My two favorite addictions: 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom 2. New 16 and Pregnant hasn't started yet, but I watch Teen Mom 2 religiously. I have different opinions of each of the girls and some of them are doing a great job and their doing what they should be doing, but a lot of them make me think two things. 1). "I could have done a way better job then her." and 2). "What made them more deserving to have and keep their kid than me?".
I hope those girls realize how lucky they really are, because some of us don't have the support or money to keep our babies. We're reminded of it everyday.
I know its a good thing (for the most part) that the population is growing and I'm all for babies. Love them! Think there adorable and cute! I hate though, that I'm constantly reminded that I had one and gave one up. Not to say that I regret my decision, God no, he's so much better off and very happy where he is. I feel like other people rub there happiness in there face and their smiles say "Look at what your missing out on. This is so much fun and its so easy". Now, I'm a smart person. I know its not easy, if it was easy everyone would keep there kids. Sometimes though, when I look at the new babies and the young babies in a store or hear about how Jude is growing, I wonder what I'm missing. And when I try to shake the idea and try to get away from places with babies, more babies appear!
There everywhere!! The mall, grocery stores, theaters, even school! Babies, Babies, Babies! (Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!) There is never just one, if it was one person in the store with a baby I wouldn't care. I always happen to go on the days where everyone and their aunt is either pregnant or has a baby with them. I just get tired of seeing them. The more babies I see the more I think about Jude, the more I think about Jude the more I miss Jude, the more I miss Jude the sadder I become. This is not a cycle I enjoy being in.
The worse is the media. I'm seeing babies in all my shows I watch; Hellcats and One Tree Hill were on tonight. I just got into Hellcats and I used to watch One Tree Hill back when Chad Michael Murray was the main character; both of which have multiple baby issues (btw nobody tell me what happened in Hellcats, I didn't finish watching it. It got to dangerously filled with drama for my taste). Then there are shows that are just obviously filled with babies but are so popular you can't not watch them. My two favorite addictions: 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom 2. New 16 and Pregnant hasn't started yet, but I watch Teen Mom 2 religiously. I have different opinions of each of the girls and some of them are doing a great job and their doing what they should be doing, but a lot of them make me think two things. 1). "I could have done a way better job then her." and 2). "What made them more deserving to have and keep their kid than me?".
I hope those girls realize how lucky they really are, because some of us don't have the support or money to keep our babies. We're reminded of it everyday.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Visitations Pt. 2
It's February 20th, 2011. . . I am 20 years old today. I have passed my teen years, and I can officially be considered an adult. It has been a year since I found out I was pregnant with Jude. I spent my birthday by seeing Jude and his parents for breakfast and then driving the 8 hours home.
I spent the last part of Friday and all of Saturday in San Diego. Saturday morning I was set to meet Jude, Katie, and Greg in front of my hotel. I had come alone, because Victor got swamped with homework that last minute and wouldn't be able to go to San Diego and finish all of his homework and projects. So I was solo this whole weekend. Needless to say, I was scared, nervous, and excited all at the same time. When I saw them though, I knew everything was going to be OK.
When I saw Jude, I almost cried. He was so BIG! He looks close to one years old, but he's only 4 months. He smiles all the time, he's healthy, and he didn't cry around me; I couldn't have asked for more. We went everywhere in San Diego; the aquarium, La Jolla, Downtown, Hotel Del Coranado, and Seaport Village. We all got to talk about everything; life, work, school, the adoption, my blog (yep, they read it and love it!), and of course Jude. I even got a chance to meet Greg's parents, and they are very cool and chill people. It was then, that I made a realization.
We went to this hawaiian themed restaurant in Seaport Village. Jude was asleep, to my dismay, and we all were sitting around talking. After dinner Jude woke up crying for some food, Greg got up and fed him. I watched as Greg fed them and listened to Katie and Greg's parents talk about how Jude slept the night before. I was slowly getting jealous, listening to them talk about how he slept with Greg's parents that night and Katie was worried and jealous as well that night, and it was making me annoyed as well. I would love to have one night with him. I knew that Katie and Greg would never go for it, and they have good reasoning to not to, but still I wish I could have him for like three hours while they go see a movie or something. I started to think about why I wanted him for the night, mostly for curiosity and alone time, I took another look around. I saw them all talking together, laughing, admiring Jude while he ate and it hit me. Jude was no longer really mine. I knew that legally he was no longer mine and I was no longer his mother, but there was always this still biological little connection of "This is my child, I gave birth to him, but I don't take care of him". At that moment though, it was all gone.
This is a good and bad thing. It's good because, in a sense it's true. He is no longer mine, and I shouldn't feel like he's mine other wise I might become something else that isn't good. I might get to attached, I might become needy around him, or I might infringe on Katie and Greg's life; all of which I don't want. It's bad though, because the little connection that I did have, is gone. I feel like I'm just looking at my one of my cousin's when I look at him; I love him and love being around him, but nothing else is going on. I don't feel my stomach flutter every time I see him, I don't see me or Victor in him, and holding him doesn't warm my heart like it used to. Is this a bad thing? Does this mean that over time I'm not going to love him anymore? Will I stop caring about if I see him or hear from them anymore? This throughly freaked me out to the point of shaking, which is like the "world is ending" in levels of my emotional state, and I couldn't stop. Katie asked if I was cold and I just told her I was fine. I went to the bathroom shortly after. I took a few deep breaths, looked at my self hard in the mirror, and told my self "I can do this. I can do this."
I told my self through out the night that I did love him. I wouldn't want alone time with him other wise, I wouldn't be thinking about the next time I would get to see him, and that love would never go away even if the connection did. The thought couldn't escape me though. Katie could tell I was off some how, and I felt off. I didn't eat much and was quiet. After breakfast this morning, we went to a near by park, and greg took amazing pictures of Jude and I. Then they took me back to the hotel, and we said our good byes. As weird as this sounds, letting go of or leaving Jude is always very easy for me. Its when I haven't seen him for a while that it becomes very hard for me. I thanked Katie and Greg for everything and how much I appreciated them for everything.
Overall, I was very happy with the trip. I loved seeing Jude again, learning new things about him, and catching up with Katie and Greg. My realization still bothers me though. If my biological connection with Jude can disappear suddenly, can my love? I keep telling my self over and over again "It will never happen! Everything you do, you do for that little boy! To make him proud! You visit him and want pictures because you love him!" But loosing that little connection that I did have has rattled me to the core.
I spent the last part of Friday and all of Saturday in San Diego. Saturday morning I was set to meet Jude, Katie, and Greg in front of my hotel. I had come alone, because Victor got swamped with homework that last minute and wouldn't be able to go to San Diego and finish all of his homework and projects. So I was solo this whole weekend. Needless to say, I was scared, nervous, and excited all at the same time. When I saw them though, I knew everything was going to be OK.
When I saw Jude, I almost cried. He was so BIG! He looks close to one years old, but he's only 4 months. He smiles all the time, he's healthy, and he didn't cry around me; I couldn't have asked for more. We went everywhere in San Diego; the aquarium, La Jolla, Downtown, Hotel Del Coranado, and Seaport Village. We all got to talk about everything; life, work, school, the adoption, my blog (yep, they read it and love it!), and of course Jude. I even got a chance to meet Greg's parents, and they are very cool and chill people. It was then, that I made a realization.
We went to this hawaiian themed restaurant in Seaport Village. Jude was asleep, to my dismay, and we all were sitting around talking. After dinner Jude woke up crying for some food, Greg got up and fed him. I watched as Greg fed them and listened to Katie and Greg's parents talk about how Jude slept the night before. I was slowly getting jealous, listening to them talk about how he slept with Greg's parents that night and Katie was worried and jealous as well that night, and it was making me annoyed as well. I would love to have one night with him. I knew that Katie and Greg would never go for it, and they have good reasoning to not to, but still I wish I could have him for like three hours while they go see a movie or something. I started to think about why I wanted him for the night, mostly for curiosity and alone time, I took another look around. I saw them all talking together, laughing, admiring Jude while he ate and it hit me. Jude was no longer really mine. I knew that legally he was no longer mine and I was no longer his mother, but there was always this still biological little connection of "This is my child, I gave birth to him, but I don't take care of him". At that moment though, it was all gone.
This is a good and bad thing. It's good because, in a sense it's true. He is no longer mine, and I shouldn't feel like he's mine other wise I might become something else that isn't good. I might get to attached, I might become needy around him, or I might infringe on Katie and Greg's life; all of which I don't want. It's bad though, because the little connection that I did have, is gone. I feel like I'm just looking at my one of my cousin's when I look at him; I love him and love being around him, but nothing else is going on. I don't feel my stomach flutter every time I see him, I don't see me or Victor in him, and holding him doesn't warm my heart like it used to. Is this a bad thing? Does this mean that over time I'm not going to love him anymore? Will I stop caring about if I see him or hear from them anymore? This throughly freaked me out to the point of shaking, which is like the "world is ending" in levels of my emotional state, and I couldn't stop. Katie asked if I was cold and I just told her I was fine. I went to the bathroom shortly after. I took a few deep breaths, looked at my self hard in the mirror, and told my self "I can do this. I can do this."
I told my self through out the night that I did love him. I wouldn't want alone time with him other wise, I wouldn't be thinking about the next time I would get to see him, and that love would never go away even if the connection did. The thought couldn't escape me though. Katie could tell I was off some how, and I felt off. I didn't eat much and was quiet. After breakfast this morning, we went to a near by park, and greg took amazing pictures of Jude and I. Then they took me back to the hotel, and we said our good byes. As weird as this sounds, letting go of or leaving Jude is always very easy for me. Its when I haven't seen him for a while that it becomes very hard for me. I thanked Katie and Greg for everything and how much I appreciated them for everything.
Overall, I was very happy with the trip. I loved seeing Jude again, learning new things about him, and catching up with Katie and Greg. My realization still bothers me though. If my biological connection with Jude can disappear suddenly, can my love? I keep telling my self over and over again "It will never happen! Everything you do, you do for that little boy! To make him proud! You visit him and want pictures because you love him!" But loosing that little connection that I did have has rattled me to the core.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Visitations
Visits are hard for some people. Sometimes they might miss the baby so much that its hard to let go all over again. Other times they have expectations of how the session will go, and they will either be let down or pleasantly surprised. Visits are hard for the adoptive parents as well. I can only imagine how they feel about their baby's biological parents coming into their lives every once in a while and disrupting their normal lives.
I have my second visit with Jude, Katie, and Greg in a few days. I haven't seen them since November, and quiet frankly, I'm scared. I'm so scared things are going to go badly, their going to cancel, or Jude doesn't like me. When babies get around 4-6 months old, they start becoming very mommy and daddy attached and don't like any one else holding them. I understand that he doesn't understand and that its not personal, but I don't really know how well I would take it.
I'm scared that we'll all get into a fight or something. Katie and I may be alike in some ways and like each other, but like any average relationship between two people, we do get into fights every once in a while. Now, I'm the kind of person that hates arguments and fights via technology, because you can't really fix things over a text or email. I mean you can say everything is alright, but there's always a physical weirdness between you and the other person when you see each other again. So for me its always better to fight and make-up face to face. Katie and I really only communicate via email or text, because we live so far away from each other. So when we do get into an argument, its hard to know if things are really OK in the end. All you can really do is trust that its OK.
Victor and I are driving to San Diego this Friday and were going to spend the weekend with Katie, Greg, and Jude. This sunday it is also my 20th birthday and my greatest gift ever would be able to see Jude smile and laugh. I miss him so much, but I'm so scared to go. I hear all visitations are like that in the beginning, but over time things become easier and more comfortable. I certainly hope what they say is true; I really do.
I have my second visit with Jude, Katie, and Greg in a few days. I haven't seen them since November, and quiet frankly, I'm scared. I'm so scared things are going to go badly, their going to cancel, or Jude doesn't like me. When babies get around 4-6 months old, they start becoming very mommy and daddy attached and don't like any one else holding them. I understand that he doesn't understand and that its not personal, but I don't really know how well I would take it.
I'm scared that we'll all get into a fight or something. Katie and I may be alike in some ways and like each other, but like any average relationship between two people, we do get into fights every once in a while. Now, I'm the kind of person that hates arguments and fights via technology, because you can't really fix things over a text or email. I mean you can say everything is alright, but there's always a physical weirdness between you and the other person when you see each other again. So for me its always better to fight and make-up face to face. Katie and I really only communicate via email or text, because we live so far away from each other. So when we do get into an argument, its hard to know if things are really OK in the end. All you can really do is trust that its OK.
Victor and I are driving to San Diego this Friday and were going to spend the weekend with Katie, Greg, and Jude. This sunday it is also my 20th birthday and my greatest gift ever would be able to see Jude smile and laugh. I miss him so much, but I'm so scared to go. I hear all visitations are like that in the beginning, but over time things become easier and more comfortable. I certainly hope what they say is true; I really do.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Looks
I'm used to getting looks from people.
Telling people that you had a baby is one look. Its a half surprise, half happy. Its the look that says "Wow your so young to have a baby, but good for you!". Then you tell them that you gave your baby up for adoption. Its like telling them your grandmother died, there face falls and they usually say "Oh". Its the face that says "Oh, poor thing couldn't take care of her baby. Its probably for the best, she's so young they wouldn't have had a good life."
I got a bunch of looks when I was pregnant too. Looks that would say "Oh look, there's another teenage girl pregnant." I was just another stereotype to them, nothing more. I was used to it. I honestly didn't really care, I had bigger fish in my life to fry. Not only that but I didn't have to associate with people who didn't like me or my decisions. I told myself in the beginning of this process that I wouldn't take anyone's shit, because it was my life and my decision; not theirs.
However, I never really thought about how other people would get seen because of me. I was never really aware of how it might make my mom, sister, and other family members look. I never thought what Victor would think of himself or what others would think of him because I was pregnant. Sometimes I knew what they were going threw; Others I just now found out about. I couldn't and still can't imagine what they went threw or might still be going threw. I was too worried with my own problems to care about theirs.
To them I say, I'm sorry. I was so consumed with what I was and still am going threw, I didn't want to see anyone else's problems and issues. Please know, for those of you that are still hurting, I want to fix that and I'm going to try to make that happen. For those of you whose pain has passed, again I say, I'm sorry.
Telling people that you had a baby is one look. Its a half surprise, half happy. Its the look that says "Wow your so young to have a baby, but good for you!". Then you tell them that you gave your baby up for adoption. Its like telling them your grandmother died, there face falls and they usually say "Oh". Its the face that says "Oh, poor thing couldn't take care of her baby. Its probably for the best, she's so young they wouldn't have had a good life."
I got a bunch of looks when I was pregnant too. Looks that would say "Oh look, there's another teenage girl pregnant." I was just another stereotype to them, nothing more. I was used to it. I honestly didn't really care, I had bigger fish in my life to fry. Not only that but I didn't have to associate with people who didn't like me or my decisions. I told myself in the beginning of this process that I wouldn't take anyone's shit, because it was my life and my decision; not theirs.
However, I never really thought about how other people would get seen because of me. I was never really aware of how it might make my mom, sister, and other family members look. I never thought what Victor would think of himself or what others would think of him because I was pregnant. Sometimes I knew what they were going threw; Others I just now found out about. I couldn't and still can't imagine what they went threw or might still be going threw. I was too worried with my own problems to care about theirs.
To them I say, I'm sorry. I was so consumed with what I was and still am going threw, I didn't want to see anyone else's problems and issues. Please know, for those of you that are still hurting, I want to fix that and I'm going to try to make that happen. For those of you whose pain has passed, again I say, I'm sorry.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Back Story: Part 4
Part 4: Giving Birth and Letting Go
October 15th, 2010. It was a Friday, it was just like any other Friday. It was hot, the sky was clear, and like any other Friday morning I had a doctor's appointment. I was 39 weeks pregnant and I looked it. The week before the doctor noticed that my stomach was still growing. Traditionally the uterus/stomach stops growing after 36-37 weeks, so they wanted an ultrasound to see how big the baby was.
The ultrasound tech took all sorts of measurements and we got to see his face again. When the doctor came back, she said he was somewhere between 8.5-9.3 pounds. Now for anyone who has even went to a health class and learned where babies come from then you should know, giving birth vaginally HURTS! Big things are not supposed fit through small holes. So the idea of pushing a 8.5 pound baby out did not appeal to me. To that she said "Well, we could schedule a C-section for tonight". Whoa, who said anything about having a baby today?! I looked at my mom, who said "Today is as good a day to have a baby". The doctor assured me that he was defiantly healthy and ready to come out. Not only that but my mom had to have a C-section because her pelvic bones were to narrow. He hadn't dropped yet and it didn't seem like he was going to move. So I said yes and I was scheduled to have a C-section at 6pm.
I called Victor first to let him know what was going on. He sounded a little shock, but he said he would meet us at the hospital. I called Katie next, she sounded so excited. I could see her at work freaking out and calling Greg. She said they would leave as soon as possible and they would meet us at the hospital. I told her she could bring her mom and/or dad if she wanted, but they were going to wait in the waiting room. I only wanted Victor and my mom in the delivery room.
I had to wait out most of the day until my C-section. I packed a bag, called my friends who wanted to know when I was having the baby, my mom took me to get my nails done to pass time, and I had a friend braid french braid my hair. When my mom and me got to the hospital, Victor was already there. We went up and checked in. They got me in a gown, took my blood, monitored my heart and the babies, and gave me an IV. Katie, Greg, and Natty got there a few minutes before I went in. Then a nurse came in and told me it was time to deliver the baby.
I was so scared, but I knew everything was going to be alright. They gave me an epidural, and it was amazing. Then, at 6:23pm, he was born. They took him out of the room to weigh him, clean him off, and do other test. I kept asking how was he and how much he weighed. Victor told me he was fine, and my mom went with the nurse who took Jude out of the room. A few minutes later they brought him back into the room and all of a sudden he was in front of my face. His face was so squished and he smelled like a baby. I was so surprised that he was there. Up until that moment it didn't seem real and then I saw him. Victor was the first to hold him and then my mom. I held him when I went to recovery. He was so heavy. He turned out to be 10 pounds even! Good thing I didn't have to push him out. Recovery only allowed two people at a time, so little by little people came in to see me. Katie and Greg saw him and held him, so did Natty, Sarah, and Malcolm.
A few hours later, Jude and I were moved to our room. I wanted him to stay with me, but I was so tired and having Jude in the room made me nervous. When babies sleep, you can barely hear them breathing. So I would have my mom check every 10 minutes or so to make sure he was breathing. Then my mom convinced me to have him moved to the nursery for the night. My mom stayed with me until 1am, then I told her she could go. Victor spent the next night with me, then Katie spent the night with me, and the last night I was by myself. I spent my days seeing visitors, my friends, family, Victor's family, and Katie's family. Lots of pictures were taken.
The last night I was there, I kept him the whole night. I cried a good portion of it. He never left my side. The next day, me and Victor signed the papers. My mom and Sarah were crying really hard. After the papers were signed, Victor left for school. His mom came by to say goodbye to Jude. We took our last pictures and said our goodbye, then I gave him to his mom and dad.
I wasn't crying in the hospital. I waited until I got home. I got into my bed, my mom helped me, and I looked around. Everything was the same, but it wasn't right. There should have been a crib, changing table, toys, and more importantly a baby; my baby. I broke down. I cried like a kindergardener when she doesn't get her way. I bawled my eyes out, and I continued to do so for the next few days.
I would like to tell you things got easier along the way, but they didn't, at least not all in one day. In California, the law is birth parents have 30 days to change there mind. There were days that I wanted to call the social worker and tell her I wanted him back, but I couldn't. I loved him and wanted him back so badly, but his happiness meant more to me. Not only that, but I couldn't disappoint Katie and Greg and take there son away.
I had my first visit with him a month later. He looked so happy and his parents did too. Greg offered to do a photo shoot of Jude and me, so we did. I bought us color coordinated outfits and we took a bunch of pictures.
I get pictures often and he's growing up happily. It makes me happy to see him and them happy. It lets me know that I made the right choice. Sometimes it is still hard and sometimes I have bad days, but bad days end. Now I'm back at school and I'm trying to find a new normal. I still miss him and I can't wait to see him again, but I know he's alright and happy. :)
October 15th, 2010. It was a Friday, it was just like any other Friday. It was hot, the sky was clear, and like any other Friday morning I had a doctor's appointment. I was 39 weeks pregnant and I looked it. The week before the doctor noticed that my stomach was still growing. Traditionally the uterus/stomach stops growing after 36-37 weeks, so they wanted an ultrasound to see how big the baby was.
The ultrasound tech took all sorts of measurements and we got to see his face again. When the doctor came back, she said he was somewhere between 8.5-9.3 pounds. Now for anyone who has even went to a health class and learned where babies come from then you should know, giving birth vaginally HURTS! Big things are not supposed fit through small holes. So the idea of pushing a 8.5 pound baby out did not appeal to me. To that she said "Well, we could schedule a C-section for tonight". Whoa, who said anything about having a baby today?! I looked at my mom, who said "Today is as good a day to have a baby". The doctor assured me that he was defiantly healthy and ready to come out. Not only that but my mom had to have a C-section because her pelvic bones were to narrow. He hadn't dropped yet and it didn't seem like he was going to move. So I said yes and I was scheduled to have a C-section at 6pm.
I called Victor first to let him know what was going on. He sounded a little shock, but he said he would meet us at the hospital. I called Katie next, she sounded so excited. I could see her at work freaking out and calling Greg. She said they would leave as soon as possible and they would meet us at the hospital. I told her she could bring her mom and/or dad if she wanted, but they were going to wait in the waiting room. I only wanted Victor and my mom in the delivery room.
I had to wait out most of the day until my C-section. I packed a bag, called my friends who wanted to know when I was having the baby, my mom took me to get my nails done to pass time, and I had a friend braid french braid my hair. When my mom and me got to the hospital, Victor was already there. We went up and checked in. They got me in a gown, took my blood, monitored my heart and the babies, and gave me an IV. Katie, Greg, and Natty got there a few minutes before I went in. Then a nurse came in and told me it was time to deliver the baby.
I was so scared, but I knew everything was going to be alright. They gave me an epidural, and it was amazing. Then, at 6:23pm, he was born. They took him out of the room to weigh him, clean him off, and do other test. I kept asking how was he and how much he weighed. Victor told me he was fine, and my mom went with the nurse who took Jude out of the room. A few minutes later they brought him back into the room and all of a sudden he was in front of my face. His face was so squished and he smelled like a baby. I was so surprised that he was there. Up until that moment it didn't seem real and then I saw him. Victor was the first to hold him and then my mom. I held him when I went to recovery. He was so heavy. He turned out to be 10 pounds even! Good thing I didn't have to push him out. Recovery only allowed two people at a time, so little by little people came in to see me. Katie and Greg saw him and held him, so did Natty, Sarah, and Malcolm.
A few hours later, Jude and I were moved to our room. I wanted him to stay with me, but I was so tired and having Jude in the room made me nervous. When babies sleep, you can barely hear them breathing. So I would have my mom check every 10 minutes or so to make sure he was breathing. Then my mom convinced me to have him moved to the nursery for the night. My mom stayed with me until 1am, then I told her she could go. Victor spent the next night with me, then Katie spent the night with me, and the last night I was by myself. I spent my days seeing visitors, my friends, family, Victor's family, and Katie's family. Lots of pictures were taken.
The last night I was there, I kept him the whole night. I cried a good portion of it. He never left my side. The next day, me and Victor signed the papers. My mom and Sarah were crying really hard. After the papers were signed, Victor left for school. His mom came by to say goodbye to Jude. We took our last pictures and said our goodbye, then I gave him to his mom and dad.
I wasn't crying in the hospital. I waited until I got home. I got into my bed, my mom helped me, and I looked around. Everything was the same, but it wasn't right. There should have been a crib, changing table, toys, and more importantly a baby; my baby. I broke down. I cried like a kindergardener when she doesn't get her way. I bawled my eyes out, and I continued to do so for the next few days.
I would like to tell you things got easier along the way, but they didn't, at least not all in one day. In California, the law is birth parents have 30 days to change there mind. There were days that I wanted to call the social worker and tell her I wanted him back, but I couldn't. I loved him and wanted him back so badly, but his happiness meant more to me. Not only that, but I couldn't disappoint Katie and Greg and take there son away.
I had my first visit with him a month later. He looked so happy and his parents did too. Greg offered to do a photo shoot of Jude and me, so we did. I bought us color coordinated outfits and we took a bunch of pictures.
I get pictures often and he's growing up happily. It makes me happy to see him and them happy. It lets me know that I made the right choice. Sometimes it is still hard and sometimes I have bad days, but bad days end. Now I'm back at school and I'm trying to find a new normal. I still miss him and I can't wait to see him again, but I know he's alright and happy. :)
Friday, February 11, 2011
Back Story: Part 3
Part 3: Katie and Greg
It turned out I only needed to wait a little longer to meet the perfect parents. I was five months along and still not really showing. I could tell and anyone who saw me naked would be able to tell, but to the general public I still looked normal. I was still working in Monterey because it was good money (for a college student anyway), so every week for 3 or 4 days I would drive to Monterey and back. One day after work I was walking back to my car and I received a phone call from Natty.
Natalie, who we call Natty for short, is a really good family friend. She's an aesthetician and does my mom's, Sarah's, and my eyebrows and sometimes facials. My mom has been going to her for as long as I can remember and I help her out with some charity work during christmas time. She's a really sweet woman, very down to earth, honest, speaks her mind, and talks about her kids, Katie and Scotty, all the time. I know Natty really well and love her, but she's never called me before. So I was confused as to why she was calling me.
"Hello, how may I help you?" (My mom taught us to say that when we answer the phone when we were little and it just always stuck with me)
"Hi honey, it's Natalie."
"Oh, Hi Natty!" . . . insert small talk here. . .
. . . . "Honey, I just want to tell you, your mom told me you were pregnant and that your giving the baby up for adoption"
"Yeeaahh" (trust me, thats really all you can say to a statement like that. Especially considering at that time my mom wasn't telling people, or so I thought.)
"Well, I just wanted to say that I really admire you and that your doing a really selfless thing and the family your going to give the baby to is going to be so happy."
"Thank you"
"I was just wondering, how are you looking for parents? Are you using an agency?"
"Yeah, me and Victor are using an agency, but were also looking outside of the agency as well"
"Well, I was wondering if you would consider my daughter, Katie and her husband. They have been married for about 6 years and they've been trying to get pregnant, but for some reason its just not happening. I told them about you and they were curious if you would consider them to be parents."
"Well, were not saying no to anyone right now. They need to know that I want a really open adoption though."
"Oh yes of course, your mom told me that, and you know that anytime that I had the baby you could come see him and Katie and Greg know that too."
Now me knowing Natty, I knew that she was a good person and very likely a good parent. I had never met Katie before, I've met Scotty, Natty's son, but Katie was 10 years older than me and out of the house by the time I met Natty. Natty wouldn't let me down though, so I told her to text me or email me Katie's email and I would write to them. She was just so appreciative that I just CONSIDERING Katie and Greg as potential parents. We said our goodbyes and hung up. I called my mom right after and had a stern talk about how she has to tell me who she is about me so I don't get random phone calls like that again. Later I told Victor about everything.
A few days later Natty sent me Katie's email. I wrote this long letter to Katie and Greg explaining who Victor and I were, what our situation was, our current adoption plan, what we were looking for in parents, what kind of adoption we wanted, and how to contact us. A few days later I got a reply and they sounded so nice and so honest. Katie, Greg, Victor and I talked via email for a while. Katie and Greg sent us a bio about them selves and pictures of their life. Victor and I liked what we saw and decided we wanted to meet them. They agreed and we set up a time and a place.
To me this was exciting, because I was really happy with them and because I would interview them. The agency, and most agencies, don't let birth parents interview adoptive parents. You have to pick the parents first and then you get to meet them, which is understandable, but I hated it. You can't have a connection with a person by looking at a picture, its a physical thing. So the fact that I could meet these people, interview them, see if there's a connection, and still say "No, I'm sorry, your not what were looking for" made me happy. It seems cruel, but this was my kid we were dealing with. If I didn't feel anything with these people or I didn't like them, then they weren't getting the baby. I wasn't going to just give him to anyone.
We met at a Starbucks in Los Gatos on a Saturday afternoon a few weeks later. We talked about our lives, our interest, what we were looking for in the adoption and Victor and I talked about our medical history. Medical history is really important in the adoption world. Potential are aloud to be picky when picking children. Some what a certain gender, race, some want only healthy babies, while others are comfortable with taking disabled babies. Not only that but, the baby you would be raising would have a different medical history than you, so it was important to know how they differ from you. We talked for a little over an hour. Victor and I told them we would talk about it and let them know what we think, but I knew that they were perfect. Victor and I went into the Petco next door after they left and talked about it. We both wanted them as our baby's parents. Victor told me we should wait the weekend and sleep on it to make sure. I can't even imagine how awful those few days must have been for them. A few days later, we still wanted them as our parents, so I sent Katie an email saying we would love it if they were our baby's parents.
She was so happy, after she was done crying about it all, she started working on finding a lawyer. We talked a lot and I kept her updated on all baby related stuff. We found a great lawyer and she helped us get all of our legal stuff. We all met together and hashed out the terms of our open adoption and she told me and Victor our rights. Every once in a while Katie would come to San Jose and we would hang out together.
The next few months just kinda went by. I went to doctors appointments (found out the baby was a boy), took online classes, tried to find ways to make money, dealt with drama of all sorts, and was trying to deal with my emotional state one day at a time. Victor and I met with a social worker who told us our rights and had us fill out paper work.
My third trimester was all about the birth. I was so nervous about the whole thing, and when I get nervous about things I either bite my nails or plan; I did both. I made a birth plan, a calling list (in order of who to call first to last), a to-do list of things that need to be done before I went to the hospital, and anything else I could possibly plan. I dragged Victor to an all day Lamaze class and we played along with all the things the teacher told us to do. We laughed most of the way threw, but it was still good we went. It gave us peace of mind. I was huge by my third trimester, I was fat and my stomach was the size of a beach ball. EVERYTHING was in some kind of pain, my ankles swelled up, I couldn't sleep, I had to pee all the time, and I waddled. Needless to say I was REALLY pregnant. I started to notice the baby more by the beginning of my third trimester. Where he liked to kick (the ribs), his sleeping and awake moments, what songs he responded too and what his favorite one was (The Only Exception by Paramore), and his favorite foods. I started developing patterns with food, I had frozen waffles every morning (sometimes twice a day) for my last 4 months, I drank a lot of soda, pasta and quesadillas were a steeple, and bananas were eaten often. I would talk to him and sometimes sing to him if a good song was on. This is when it hit me, I loved my son. I don't know how it happened, but it did. I knew it was going to make things even more difficult, but I also knew giving him up was the right thing to do and I couldn't disappoint Katie and Greg.
By the time I was 39 weeks along it was October, unbearably hot and I was done being pregnant. Emotionally, physically, mentally, I was just done. Victor was going to school again, Sarah was back at school, I was taking online classes, and the world got back into it's out-of-summer patterns. I was going to the doctors office every week now and would talk to Katie and Greg often. Katie, I imagine, was just waiting by the phone everyday. Turns out October 15th, 2010 was her day.
It turned out I only needed to wait a little longer to meet the perfect parents. I was five months along and still not really showing. I could tell and anyone who saw me naked would be able to tell, but to the general public I still looked normal. I was still working in Monterey because it was good money (for a college student anyway), so every week for 3 or 4 days I would drive to Monterey and back. One day after work I was walking back to my car and I received a phone call from Natty.
Natalie, who we call Natty for short, is a really good family friend. She's an aesthetician and does my mom's, Sarah's, and my eyebrows and sometimes facials. My mom has been going to her for as long as I can remember and I help her out with some charity work during christmas time. She's a really sweet woman, very down to earth, honest, speaks her mind, and talks about her kids, Katie and Scotty, all the time. I know Natty really well and love her, but she's never called me before. So I was confused as to why she was calling me.
"Hello, how may I help you?" (My mom taught us to say that when we answer the phone when we were little and it just always stuck with me)
"Hi honey, it's Natalie."
"Oh, Hi Natty!" . . . insert small talk here. . .
. . . . "Honey, I just want to tell you, your mom told me you were pregnant and that your giving the baby up for adoption"
"Yeeaahh" (trust me, thats really all you can say to a statement like that. Especially considering at that time my mom wasn't telling people, or so I thought.)
"Well, I just wanted to say that I really admire you and that your doing a really selfless thing and the family your going to give the baby to is going to be so happy."
"Thank you"
"I was just wondering, how are you looking for parents? Are you using an agency?"
"Yeah, me and Victor are using an agency, but were also looking outside of the agency as well"
"Well, I was wondering if you would consider my daughter, Katie and her husband. They have been married for about 6 years and they've been trying to get pregnant, but for some reason its just not happening. I told them about you and they were curious if you would consider them to be parents."
"Well, were not saying no to anyone right now. They need to know that I want a really open adoption though."
"Oh yes of course, your mom told me that, and you know that anytime that I had the baby you could come see him and Katie and Greg know that too."
Now me knowing Natty, I knew that she was a good person and very likely a good parent. I had never met Katie before, I've met Scotty, Natty's son, but Katie was 10 years older than me and out of the house by the time I met Natty. Natty wouldn't let me down though, so I told her to text me or email me Katie's email and I would write to them. She was just so appreciative that I just CONSIDERING Katie and Greg as potential parents. We said our goodbyes and hung up. I called my mom right after and had a stern talk about how she has to tell me who she is about me so I don't get random phone calls like that again. Later I told Victor about everything.
A few days later Natty sent me Katie's email. I wrote this long letter to Katie and Greg explaining who Victor and I were, what our situation was, our current adoption plan, what we were looking for in parents, what kind of adoption we wanted, and how to contact us. A few days later I got a reply and they sounded so nice and so honest. Katie, Greg, Victor and I talked via email for a while. Katie and Greg sent us a bio about them selves and pictures of their life. Victor and I liked what we saw and decided we wanted to meet them. They agreed and we set up a time and a place.
To me this was exciting, because I was really happy with them and because I would interview them. The agency, and most agencies, don't let birth parents interview adoptive parents. You have to pick the parents first and then you get to meet them, which is understandable, but I hated it. You can't have a connection with a person by looking at a picture, its a physical thing. So the fact that I could meet these people, interview them, see if there's a connection, and still say "No, I'm sorry, your not what were looking for" made me happy. It seems cruel, but this was my kid we were dealing with. If I didn't feel anything with these people or I didn't like them, then they weren't getting the baby. I wasn't going to just give him to anyone.
We met at a Starbucks in Los Gatos on a Saturday afternoon a few weeks later. We talked about our lives, our interest, what we were looking for in the adoption and Victor and I talked about our medical history. Medical history is really important in the adoption world. Potential are aloud to be picky when picking children. Some what a certain gender, race, some want only healthy babies, while others are comfortable with taking disabled babies. Not only that but, the baby you would be raising would have a different medical history than you, so it was important to know how they differ from you. We talked for a little over an hour. Victor and I told them we would talk about it and let them know what we think, but I knew that they were perfect. Victor and I went into the Petco next door after they left and talked about it. We both wanted them as our baby's parents. Victor told me we should wait the weekend and sleep on it to make sure. I can't even imagine how awful those few days must have been for them. A few days later, we still wanted them as our parents, so I sent Katie an email saying we would love it if they were our baby's parents.
She was so happy, after she was done crying about it all, she started working on finding a lawyer. We talked a lot and I kept her updated on all baby related stuff. We found a great lawyer and she helped us get all of our legal stuff. We all met together and hashed out the terms of our open adoption and she told me and Victor our rights. Every once in a while Katie would come to San Jose and we would hang out together.
The next few months just kinda went by. I went to doctors appointments (found out the baby was a boy), took online classes, tried to find ways to make money, dealt with drama of all sorts, and was trying to deal with my emotional state one day at a time. Victor and I met with a social worker who told us our rights and had us fill out paper work.
My third trimester was all about the birth. I was so nervous about the whole thing, and when I get nervous about things I either bite my nails or plan; I did both. I made a birth plan, a calling list (in order of who to call first to last), a to-do list of things that need to be done before I went to the hospital, and anything else I could possibly plan. I dragged Victor to an all day Lamaze class and we played along with all the things the teacher told us to do. We laughed most of the way threw, but it was still good we went. It gave us peace of mind. I was huge by my third trimester, I was fat and my stomach was the size of a beach ball. EVERYTHING was in some kind of pain, my ankles swelled up, I couldn't sleep, I had to pee all the time, and I waddled. Needless to say I was REALLY pregnant. I started to notice the baby more by the beginning of my third trimester. Where he liked to kick (the ribs), his sleeping and awake moments, what songs he responded too and what his favorite one was (The Only Exception by Paramore), and his favorite foods. I started developing patterns with food, I had frozen waffles every morning (sometimes twice a day) for my last 4 months, I drank a lot of soda, pasta and quesadillas were a steeple, and bananas were eaten often. I would talk to him and sometimes sing to him if a good song was on. This is when it hit me, I loved my son. I don't know how it happened, but it did. I knew it was going to make things even more difficult, but I also knew giving him up was the right thing to do and I couldn't disappoint Katie and Greg.
By the time I was 39 weeks along it was October, unbearably hot and I was done being pregnant. Emotionally, physically, mentally, I was just done. Victor was going to school again, Sarah was back at school, I was taking online classes, and the world got back into it's out-of-summer patterns. I was going to the doctors office every week now and would talk to Katie and Greg often. Katie, I imagine, was just waiting by the phone everyday. Turns out October 15th, 2010 was her day.
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