Why Oh Why Do I?

I'm sit here watching Julie and Julia, with Amy Adams and Meryl Streep on my first real day off in a long time. There's no one here but me, my dogs, my cats, and my fish. I watch Julie run back and forth trying to cook her way through the cookbook and blog about it. I watch Julia cook her way into fame. As I watch this movie, I can't help to think, why do they do it?

Why does Julie continue on with this blog even though it put her through many problems? Why does Julia cook and write her cook book when her life gets turned upside down every 2 years or so? Why do we do it bloggers with a purpose? Why do we write about our problems, thoughts, feelings, fears, and advice down for others to hear?

I used to think that I was writing this blog in order to help other birth moms and to show the other side of adoption. I didn't want other birth moms feeling alone, like I did and sometimes how I still do. Julia Child started to write her book as a favor to her friends. Julie Powell wrote hers ultimately out of spite and to prove she could write a blog, she just happened to choose a topic that she enjoyed.

These last few weeks I haven't been able to think of anything to write about, well nothing that would be an appropriate subject. I have been too busy with work, school, and drama with other people that I hadn't been able to dwell on any kind of pain or even just think about Jude in dept. I hate not writing because I feel like I'm letting others down. I hate talking about nothing though. There are some weeks though where I think, "WHY AM I DOING THIS? No one listens anyway."

This is one of those weeks. I'm feeling a little hope less in everything. I know the sun will shine again and my life will get better, but I seem to be a little blue. There's nothing in particular causing my color change, it just is. Its weeks like this I wish I could write, say my thoughts and feelings and such. Nothing comes out though, my motivation isn't there.

Until I hear (or read) this: "I love your blog. I'm a birth mother as well and I think you write very honestly and I can't wait to read more. Thank You :)"

So, Why do we write? Well, I can't speak for everyone, but I write for that reason above. I write for the others out there who don't feel alone anymore. I write in hopes of changing some one's point of view of a birth mother. Lastly, I write to save my self and will continue to do so.

I wanna thank every body who reads this blog. With out you, I would have only one reason to write and that is not enough for me. I hope I'm helping you in some way and that you continue to enjoy what comes.

Ugh

This is a short one this week. A lot of crappy drama that I didn't need or deserve but that's life. I just don't have much to say these days, as much as I don't like it. I haven't focused on Jude or the adoption in a while. There really isn't anything to focus on though. I haven't seen him, Katie, or Greg since February. I got a letter a month ago with some new pictures, and a few scarce ones on Facebook. I guess the over all lesson of these last few weeks is that life goes on. It can go on in a positive way or a negative way, like this week has been for me.

What really gets me is I have to factor in these other problems on top of all my feelings or what ever on the adoption. That part absolutely sucks. Honestly, its like "Really? I can't just focus on one or two problems in my life? Instead the world wants me to juggle 6 to 8 different problems? Fuck". I just wish some times that life was simple. Ha! I know crazy right? I guess the best thing to do with days or weeks like theses is just hope that you've hit rock bottom and the only place to go now is up.

The Playlist: Stop & Stare by OneRepublic

I really think this song touches on what I think ALOT about after the adoption; moving on without moving on. I know life goes on, and to some extent I want my life to go on. I want to transfer to a different school, get a degree, fall in love, get married, and the whole cliched sha-bang. to some extent I don't, I just want to be able to stare at the pictures of little Jude's blue eyes forever and just do nothing but miss him. When I'm in that mood, its hard to take that step into the unknown area of moving on. Sometimes though, it's what needs to be done. Whether you want it to or not. 


(Advise: Try to find an acoustic version of this song. I personally think it sounds better than a full  band version.)


"Stop & Stare" by OneRepublic

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shaking off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see

They're trying to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
Something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need

What you need, what you need...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do you see what I see...

Guilt

I have an over sense of guilt. I feel guilty all the time. Some times its appropriate, sometimes its not, and sometimes (apparently) its cute. I feel guilty when I get sick and have to miss school and work, because I feel like I'm abandoning them. I feel guilty when I have to choose one thing over another and I know there is a winner and a loser. I feel guilty about a lot of things, including the adoption.

There were three big reasons why I gave Jude up for adoption:
1). It was the best choice that would give him the best possible life.
2). I wasn't ready to be a parent (in so many ways).
3). If I changed my mind, I would disappoint Katie, Greg, Matty, Victor, and probably many other people.

Knowing that I would disappoint Katie and Greg made me feel so bad. Every time I even thought about changing my mind, my stomach would start to hurt and guilt would take over. You would think that the guilt would end once the adoption was final, oh no. Thats too easy for me. Every once in a while I want to see Jude on a whim. I have two mandatory visits with Jude, one in February and one in october. There's a lot of time in between those two dates. I come close to asking them some times, but just before I start to feel guilty. The same guilt that haunted me when I was pregnant comes back when ever I want to ask for an unplanned visit. In the end I don't ask for a visit because I feel so bad. I feel like I'm disappointing them some how or making them upset and uncomfortable. Maybe by not taking that chance I'm learning to let go, but the guilt is some times unbearable.

I feel guilty that I couldn't take care of Jude. A mother should be able to take care of her son. She should be able to give him anything he would ever need and want. I couldn't do that, does that make me a failure as a mother? Further more, since I am a woman and one big "job" a woman has is having AND raising children, does that make me a failure as a woman (so far that is)? I feel guilty that I couldn't be there for all of his mile stones; rolling over, crawling, teeth, and first real foods. I feel guilty that I wont be there for future miles stones; walking, learning how to ride a bike, first day of school, graduating high school, and going to college. I feel guilty that he is never going to really have a chance to know Victor and I in depth. We are more than willing to share anything with him about us, but he will never really know us like he would have if we kept him.

I feel guilty about the people that were effected by me coming home pregnant. I feel bad that I had to move back home and inconvenience my parents, who thought they were on their way to empty nesters. I feel bad that I "ruined" my sisters senior year by being pregnant and by living at home. I'm guilty that I disappointed my dad and step mom to the point where they felt they needed to banned me from their house until I was no longer pregnant. I feel bad that Victor was stretched out thin between pregnant me, school, taking care of his family, and dealing with the adoption. I'm not much a stable person now, and he sticks by me and helps me through it anyway he can. He shouldn't have to do that. I should be able to fix my self , but I can't. So I feel bad for bringing him down with me.

I feel guilty that I feel so much guilt.

Sometimes these things don't bother me. sometimes I have other feelings towards these events and actions. I know, or at least I hope, some of these feelings of guilt will go away. The real question is when. The other is how. well, not really, I know that answer. You loose your guilt by forgiving your self. By realizing that some of these things are not your fault and that things happen. Some of it was your doing and some of it was not. There were only so much you could do and there were only a few options you could choose from. The choices that u you made have been made, there is nothing you can do about them now.

The best thing you can do now is forgive your self, make realizations about your self, and rediscover your self. In short "Learn, Live, Love."

The Playlist: Father and Daughter by Paul Simon

With Fathers Day coming up I thought this was the perfect song. I first heard this song in The Wild Thornberry's Movie. I honestly just liked the tune and listen to it every once in a while. Now I know I have a son and that I'm not a father, but the lyrics he sings run true for any parent. But since it is directed more towards Fathers, I'm using it for Fathers Day. I'm thankful for Greg, Jude's adoptive dad, for being the most amazing father to my son. I couldn't have imagined any one better to be a father to Jude. I'm thankful for my dad, stepdad, grandpa, uncles, and older brothers for being in my life. I'm thankful for Victor for making a choice as a father to do what is right for his son, even though it was very hard.

I hope you all have a wonderful Father's Day.


"Father And Daughter" By Paul Simon

If you leap awake in the mirror of a bad dream
And for a fraction of a second you can't remember where you are
Just open your window and follow your memory upstream
To the meadow in the mountain where we counted every falling star

I believe a light that shines on you will shine on you forever
And though I can't guarantee there's nothing scary hiding under your bed
I'm gonna stand guard like a postcard of a Golden Retriever
And never leave 'til I leave you with a sweet dream in your head

[Chorus:]
I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you

Trust your intuition
It's just like goin' fishin'
You cast your line and hope you get a bite
But you don't need to waste your time
Worryin' about the market place
Try to help the human race
Struggling to survive its harshest night

[Chorus 2x]

My 15 Minutes Of Fame

Thanks Birthmom Buds for doing a spotlight of me and my blog :)

So You've Given Your Baby Up For Adoption . . . . What Comes Next?

Thats the big question in every birth mothers mind at one point or another. WHAT HAPPENS NEXT? What is my life going to be like? What am I going to be like?

There's this saying, "The past is history, the future's a mystery, and today is a gift. That's why its called the present." The future is a mystery. Boy, if that part doesn't ring more true then at that moment when your saying goodbye to your baby.

I had planned everything in my pregnancy, birth, and the time we spent in the hospital. I planned absolutely nothing for what would happen afterwards. Nothing. Zip. Nada. I didn't know what was going to happen the first second of the first minute after he left. I didn't know how to plan for that, I mean how could I? For all I know, I could become an emotional wreck on the verge of a psychological break-down or I could have been perfectly fine. I had no idea who I was going to become after he left.

I didn't cry. I couldn't. I was too numb. I was numb from signing the papers. I became even more numb after Victor left. He needed to go to school, so he left the hospital. I give him so much crap about this and make him feel HORRIBLY guilty about leaving me, but honestly I think I needed it. I needed to become distant and numb, otherwise I would have never let him go. My mom and my sister were bawling their eyes out, but I couldn't. When we got home, I got into my bed and looked around. No crib, no changing table, no diapers, no baby. It was wrong, all wrong. I broke down, I cried, screamed, and wailed. "I want my baby back!", empty words. I stayed in bed, watched TV, took Vicodin for the pain ( I had a C-section), watched my stepdad do his happy dance when the SF Giants won the world series, and slept.

At the very beginning, I thought the world ended. Doesn't everyone? I thought this is what I was going to become. Depressed, laying in bed, going no where with my life. Granted I didn't want to go anywhere, but still. This strange thing happened though; I believe they call it life.

The world kept spinning. Flowers bloomed, grass grew, babies were born (oh, poor choice of words), people died, and the days came and went. I don't know how it happened, but I slowly was becoming OK. I knew the moment it did happen though, My family and I went to the parade in the San Francisco for the Giants after they won the world series. I smiled, I laughed, I was excited, and I had fun. After all the depression and grief I had been through in the last couple of weeks, I could still have fun.

I didn't become all better in that moment. It was slow, and there are still moments where I know I have taken like a 100 steps backwards, but you do move forward with life. Its nothing like your old life, you will never get that back. You create a new normal, a new life. "YOU create" being the key words in that sentence.

A life just doesn't fall into your lap, you need to work for it. If you want to get a job, then start looking through the classifieds. Wanna go back to school, register. Just like in anything you ever want to do, you need to help your self.

I honestly can't tell you what comes next. Every situation is different and every one handles it differently. I can tell you though, that it does get better. I didn't believe it at first or maybe I just didn't want to believe it, but it does. A new normal will set in place and you will feel better. You just need to trust that you will, and be confident enough to be able to work for it.

So, what does comes next?

Well, What do you want to come next?

Katie's Mothers Day Gift

I painted a picture of Jude for Katie as her Mothers Day present. She loved it :)

The Playlist: Fireflies by Owl City

This song made me feel better when I was nauseous and tired in my first trimester, which was all the time. Every time this song came on all of my symptoms would disappear and when the song ended they all came back. I swear it was because Jude liked the song. So for a short time I called him my fire fly. 



"Fireflies"

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave tear drops everywhere
You'd think me rude but I would just stand and
Stare

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns, slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems

Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
A sock hop beneath my bed
The disco ball is just hanging by a thread
(Thread, thread...)

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns, slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems
(When I fall asleep)

Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep?
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep
(Ha-ha)

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell
(Said farewell)
But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar
(Jar, jar, jar...)

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns, slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems
(When I fall asleep)
[x2]

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns, slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams 

Memories

I have lots of memories of being pregnant and being at the hospital with Jude. My hope is to never loose those memories. I miss Jude constantly, but there are very little things that make me remember something. Its understandable, I mean he's only 7 months old. In theory I have a whole lifetime to create memories with him. I also I didn't have the luxury of having my pregnancy be a happy thing. It's something that you don't get to have when your 19 and unmarried. Any pregnancy then is considered "unwanted" and should be looked upon negatively. If I ever wanted to do anything for the baby I would get cold stares and a harsh "why?". The thing I think I wanted to do the most was fill out a baby book, but the questions weren't appropriate for my situation.

What was your reaction when you found out you were pregnant? - Oh fuck -_-


What was your partners reaction? - He swore in every room of his house

This would not be good for anyone to read, especially a child. I also wish I took more pictures of my self. I think I have less than 10 pictures of my self when I was pregnant. I did, however, get an awesome henna tattoo on my stomach a week or so before I gave birth. Over all though, I didn't really get a chance to create memorable moments.

Any memories that I do have are of everyday events. The nights i spent awake while Jude kicked away, the first time I met Katie and Greg, and small other events. These things are always in my thoughts, but there not really nostalgic. There are only a few moments that are really the kind of memory that makes me smile. The kind of sweet moments that TV shows have sappy music too.

The first is when I was a few months in. I was living in Monterey at the time and my first trimester symptoms were awful! I was nauseous and tired all the time. As much as I wanted to I couldn't stay in bed all the time. So i would go to work and school and sometimes other activities tired and nauseous. There was one time, I was driving and this song came on that was very popular at the time. As soon as that song came on, all of my symptoms just went away. As soon as the song ended, they would all come back. This continued to happen every time that song came on. That song was called "Fireflies" by Owl City. So me and my roommates started calling the baby Firefly. After a while, as the adoption progressed and my life forgot a bit busier I had forgotten all about it. It wasn't until recently that I was reminded. I had lunch with Natty a few weeks ago and she told me that "Jude lights up the room when he smiles". It made me smile. I went back home and listened to Owl City after that.

My next was also inspired by a song. A few days ago I was driving (again, I do that a lot). There was nothing good on the radio so I had it turned down to almost silent. I absolutely hate sitting in a quiet car though, so I started to sing the first song that came to mind. "When I was younger I saw my daddy . . . " I hadn't heard that song in months. "The Only Exception" by Paramore. Another popular song while I was pregnant. I always though of it as a song about Victor and me, even after we broke up I still loved it. When ever it came on the radio I would turn it up and I would sing it to myself sometimes. When Jude started to kick and move around, he would always kick and move during the song. When ever it came on he would just kick away, in the store, in the car, everywhere. One day I was taking a bath and it was really quiet, so I decided to just sing in the bath tub. I went through a couple of different songs and Jude wasn't doing much. Then I started to sing "The Only Exception". Jude kicked and rolled around in my stomach so much. The water rippled around my stomach. I just smiled and kept on singing. That song became the song about my two favorite boys: Victor and Jude.

The last memory if a very different kind of memory with a different kind of meaning to be told at a different time. My hope is to keep making memorable moments with Jude. Even though I have so few memories that make me feel something powerful they make me forget the pain I feel when I miss him. One day maybe I'll have enough memories that I will never feel pain again. I will always miss him, it just wont hurt anymore. I look forward to the day this happens and the new memories I will make.

Birth Moms, I know that some of you just want to forget. You want to forget the hardships, the judgements of others, and most of all the face of the baby you never got to keep. Sometimes you feel like you need to forget because of the time period, for those of you who had their kids 20-30-40 years ago, and other times it's because emotionally it just too much. But I beg you, please don't forget. Never forget this experience or your baby. When you try to forget the experience you had your giving up so much more. You need to remember your strength, your courage and bravery, and most of all your love for not only your baby but also yourself. All of which you gained during this experience. All those things got you through this experience and have made you the amazing woman you are today. Don't you ever forget that.