Friday, May 20, 2011


I have lots of memories of being pregnant and being at the hospital with Jude. My hope is to never loose those memories. I miss Jude constantly, but there are very little things that make me remember something. Its understandable, I mean he's only 7 months old. In theory I have a whole lifetime to create memories with him. I also I didn't have the luxury of having my pregnancy be a happy thing. It's something that you don't get to have when your 19 and unmarried. Any pregnancy then is considered "unwanted" and should be looked upon negatively. If I ever wanted to do anything for the baby I would get cold stares and a harsh "why?". The thing I think I wanted to do the most was fill out a baby book, but the questions weren't appropriate for my situation.

What was your reaction when you found out you were pregnant? - Oh fuck -_-

What was your partners reaction? - He swore in every room of his house

This would not be good for anyone to read, especially a child. I also wish I took more pictures of my self. I think I have less than 10 pictures of my self when I was pregnant. I did, however, get an awesome henna tattoo on my stomach a week or so before I gave birth. Over all though, I didn't really get a chance to create memorable moments.

Any memories that I do have are of everyday events. The nights i spent awake while Jude kicked away, the first time I met Katie and Greg, and small other events. These things are always in my thoughts, but there not really nostalgic. There are only a few moments that are really the kind of memory that makes me smile. The kind of sweet moments that TV shows have sappy music too.

The first is when I was a few months in. I was living in Monterey at the time and my first trimester symptoms were awful! I was nauseous and tired all the time. As much as I wanted to I couldn't stay in bed all the time. So i would go to work and school and sometimes other activities tired and nauseous. There was one time, I was driving and this song came on that was very popular at the time. As soon as that song came on, all of my symptoms just went away. As soon as the song ended, they would all come back. This continued to happen every time that song came on. That song was called "Fireflies" by Owl City. So me and my roommates started calling the baby Firefly. After a while, as the adoption progressed and my life forgot a bit busier I had forgotten all about it. It wasn't until recently that I was reminded. I had lunch with Natty a few weeks ago and she told me that "Jude lights up the room when he smiles". It made me smile. I went back home and listened to Owl City after that.

My next was also inspired by a song. A few days ago I was driving (again, I do that a lot). There was nothing good on the radio so I had it turned down to almost silent. I absolutely hate sitting in a quiet car though, so I started to sing the first song that came to mind. "When I was younger I saw my daddy . . . " I hadn't heard that song in months. "The Only Exception" by Paramore. Another popular song while I was pregnant. I always though of it as a song about Victor and me, even after we broke up I still loved it. When ever it came on the radio I would turn it up and I would sing it to myself sometimes. When Jude started to kick and move around, he would always kick and move during the song. When ever it came on he would just kick away, in the store, in the car, everywhere. One day I was taking a bath and it was really quiet, so I decided to just sing in the bath tub. I went through a couple of different songs and Jude wasn't doing much. Then I started to sing "The Only Exception". Jude kicked and rolled around in my stomach so much. The water rippled around my stomach. I just smiled and kept on singing. That song became the song about my two favorite boys: Victor and Jude.

The last memory if a very different kind of memory with a different kind of meaning to be told at a different time. My hope is to keep making memorable moments with Jude. Even though I have so few memories that make me feel something powerful they make me forget the pain I feel when I miss him. One day maybe I'll have enough memories that I will never feel pain again. I will always miss him, it just wont hurt anymore. I look forward to the day this happens and the new memories I will make.

Birth Moms, I know that some of you just want to forget. You want to forget the hardships, the judgements of others, and most of all the face of the baby you never got to keep. Sometimes you feel like you need to forget because of the time period, for those of you who had their kids 20-30-40 years ago, and other times it's because emotionally it just too much. But I beg you, please don't forget. Never forget this experience or your baby. When you try to forget the experience you had your giving up so much more. You need to remember your strength, your courage and bravery, and most of all your love for not only your baby but also yourself. All of which you gained during this experience. All those things got you through this experience and have made you the amazing woman you are today. Don't you ever forget that.


  1. You should look into working as a therapist for women who've put their children up for adoption or work with women somehow who've gone through what you've gone through. I think that's your niche in life. You speak so passionately about something that is forever a piece of you. You'd be a fantastic, sincere motivator for women. Just something to think about.

  2. Ha! You know I wouldn't mind doing so on a larger scale, like a group therapy and even some one on one, but honestly I want to help women during the process as well as after the process. It is something to think about though. Thanks Love :)