Monday, February 18, 2013

I'm having a bad day

Nothing really brought it on. In fact this day is the best in my week, I have nothing to do. I dont have to leave the apartment at all if I dont want to. I could sleep or eat all day. I've been watching movies and Ive had a good day at school.

But for some reason I keep thinking back to my last day in the hospital with Jude. My last night, my last day, and the hours after he was "gone".

They come like flash backs or nightmares. I grieve all over again, crying for something I knew I wouldn't have. Then I want to cry because I'm crying over something that I shouldn't be over more.

I want to lay in bed, cry, spend money I don't have on things I don't need, I want to dye my hair to feel better about myself, I want to ask Greg for a recent picture but I wont because I don't want to over step boundaries, I want my mom here so I can cry and not feel stupid for doing so, and I want Victor here so I can cry and not get judged for crying.

I think I need a therapist.