Nothing really brought it on. In fact this day is the best in my week, I have nothing to do. I dont have to leave the apartment at all if I dont want to. I could sleep or eat all day. I've been watching movies and Ive had a good day at school.
But for some reason I keep thinking back to my last day in the hospital with Jude. My last night, my last day, and the hours after he was "gone".
They come like flash backs or nightmares. I grieve all over again, crying for something I knew I wouldn't have. Then I want to cry because I'm crying over something that I shouldn't be over more.
I want to lay in bed, cry, spend money I don't have on things I don't need, I want to dye my hair to feel better about myself, I want to ask Greg for a recent picture but I wont because I don't want to over step boundaries, I want my mom here so I can cry and not feel stupid for doing so, and I want Victor here so I can cry and not get judged for crying.
I think I need a therapist.
But for some reason I keep thinking back to my last day in the hospital with Jude. My last night, my last day, and the hours after he was "gone".
They come like flash backs or nightmares. I grieve all over again, crying for something I knew I wouldn't have. Then I want to cry because I'm crying over something that I shouldn't be over more.
I want to lay in bed, cry, spend money I don't have on things I don't need, I want to dye my hair to feel better about myself, I want to ask Greg for a recent picture but I wont because I don't want to over step boundaries, I want my mom here so I can cry and not feel stupid for doing so, and I want Victor here so I can cry and not get judged for crying.
I think I need a therapist.
I feel your pain. I too am a birth mother who dwells in pain due to my "loss." It is extremely painful too look at the pictures the parents send me and to see them with my child it is something that is so hard to handle. After the adoption I sought out a therapist, but no therapist will ever be able to take away the pain that I felt seeing my child being carried off with another family. I still think deep down in my heart that he is better off with his adoptive family. A family that was and is able to provide to him and a family who loves him dearly.
ReplyDeleteI gave my baby up three days ago...and it feels weird saying that, because I know I gave him a lot but I certainly never gave him up. He will always be with me. The pain is searing and empty I now know, but I will always know that there is a better tomorrow, there will always be something in store for us. The plans we made were selflessly for someone else that we love immensely but there will always be plans for us. Don't forget that. You have a purpose!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. Hugs from a random internet stranger. I saw your blog maybe a couple of years ago, and wondered how you were doing.
ReplyDeleteI have come to feel that we live in a society where there are a lot of negative messages about motherhood, like it is a huge financial burden/life-ruiner/career-destroyer, something that some other person or couple can do better than we can. But at least your baby is here and loved, and you can reconnect when he's an adult. There are women who grieve abortions and that would be a different kind of sad. Hugs.