Saturday, December 31, 2011

I am Infanite

Happy New Year Everyone!
I hope it is a good one for everyone. Its the time of year where we make promises or resolutions to our selves and (most often not) go through with them. Now I'm realistic and also know that things change every day, so I don't make resolutions. If I do, then there horribly vague. Like, "It would be nice if I tried to loose some weight this year". This year though, I guess, is different.
It started a month ago. After a bit of mental deliberation and some inner soul searching I guess I found out my big problem in life and was finally able to express it to my therapist.
I never feel like I'm good enough for anyone. I have no self worth.
This has been a problem my whole life. Through other peoples actions and words, whether they mean to or not, they have made me feel worthless. For most of my life, I believe them and begin to think that I'm not good enough for them, or anyone else really. They're are people who have effected it more than others.
Victor was a big one. He was and is a big part of my life. I've known him since 7th grade, dated him for 7 years, had a baby with him, went through an adoption with him, and he has become my best friend. I tried very hard to be the best girlfriend ever. He was my first everything. I loved him with all my heart. Then out of no where he decided he didn't love me anymore. I felt like I died that day. A month later I was pregnant, and any kind of mourning I needed to do was put on the back burner. Jude became my priority and Victor and I's non-relationship was not important. After the adoption was final, I had to deal with the emotions from the adoption. Again, the non-relationship took a back seat. It wasn't until about 5 months after the adoption, that Victor had told me he met some one new and was in love. Needless to say, I flipped out and dove into a jealous, angry, depressed, resentful mess. I had to deal with the adoption, the non-relationship, and anything else that was going on at that time.
I just kept thinking to my self; what did I do wrong? Maybe I didn't try hard enough, Maybe I needed to be better at sex, Maybe I should have nagged less. I tried so hard to make Victor happy. I still try very hard to make Victor happy. I know he appreciates it and he tries as well to make me happy. No matter what though, He makes me feel worthless. He doesn't hit me or insult me. In fact he's one of the few people that tells me I'm beautiful almost every single day. I look at him sometimes, and I'm reminded of the failure of our relationship and how I wasn't enough for him.
My parents are another big one. My sister and I have this running joke, we have four parents (1 mom, 1 dad, 1 stepmom, and 1 stepdad) and we still didn't get any good ones. Our mom is really the best of them all. She has been understanding with my situation and has tried her best to make living at home (again) easy for me, because she knows I absolutely hate it. It wasn't easy though growing up in her house. To many changes happened to her that lead to crappy things and I was a victim of the crappy outcomes. When my mom married my stepdad, it made me really wonder why she wasn't happy with our lives the way it was before? When it was just the three of us. I had always thought we were happy, but I guess there are two sides to every story.
My stepdad was and still is no easy person to live with. I like to think of him as a really stale nut. The shell is extremely hard, but inside is the good part. He has been very nice to me and Sarah as we grew up and has certainly been a better dad to us at times than our real dad is, but he has a lot of characteristics that make him unbearable at times. He's loud (if yelling were a sport, he'd be world champ), set in his ways, needs things to be done now and a certain way, and thinks very highly of him self and a few others. I also fine him rude and moronic at times. He can make me feel inadequate on a daily bases. For Instance, the other day I had eaten breakfast, gone to work, and shopped afterwards, leading me to be gone most of the day. When he got home though he asked me if I had left the butter out. I said I guess I had. Then he said, and I quote, "Well don't do that. I think thats very immature of you and I know you can be a better person than that." ...... Ok then. If its not this then its another thing; not putting my dishes away immediately or leaving a light on means I have no sense of responsibility. Asking to make cookies before dinner means I don't care about what others need to do. Cutting up my meat before I eat it means that I am childish and not a "lady". Like I said, its always something.
My stepmom and Dad are just.........well, some what crappy people. My dad has never let me think I'm worth much to him. I think thats one of the outcomes of being a bastard though. When my dad and stepmom had there own kids though, they became more involved in their lives, than with Sarah and mines. I guess in retrospect this is what should happen, because my siblings lived with my dad and Sarah and I didn't, but regardless it still hurt. What was the real icing on the cake was when I found out I was pregnant. My stepmom had decided I was being selfish by continuing to be pregnant instead of getting an abortion and I guess my dad believed her or something. Honestly, I don't know what my dad thought. They told me they didn't want anyone on that side of the family to know, so don't tell them. They also told me that they didn't want my, at that time, 8 and 11 year old brother and sister to know either, so they told me not to some over to their house or visit them until I was no longer pregnant. I am also not allowed to talk about the pregnancy, Jude, or the adoption to this day. As far as I know, my brother and sister still don't know that I ever was pregnant. You can imagine how I felt when they told me all this. The biggest fear for any kid is hearing that there mom or dad doesn't or love them anymore, well that was them telling me that they didn't want me anymore.
The last big one is Jude. Jude, my sweet baby boy, has done nothing directly to me to make me feel worthless. I love him more than anything else in the world and I do not regret my decision to stay pregnant, have him, and give him up for adoption in anyway. I had to give him up though because I knew I couldn't take care of him. In theory a mother should be able to take care of her baby, and I couldn't. I wouldn't have been able to give him the life I thought he deserved. Not being able to take care of him, not being able to be a mother to him, is what makes me feel worthless.
I know this is sounding depressing, but bare with me because it gets better.
I've decided that this is no longer acceptable. I am not worthless dammit! I have done some amazing things in my short 21 years of life and no one; not a boy, family, friends, or who ever should be able to tear me down. So my New Years resolution is to gain some self worth.
Victor was an amazing relationship that I don't regret. But he is not the only boy out there. No boy, no matter how amazing I think he is, should make me feel worthless. I start with by forgiving my self. I tried my hardest, but for what ever reason our love didn't work out. It's not my fault, its not Victors fault. It just is. I'm sincerely happy that Victor has found some one new and I hope he finds happiness with this person. As for me, maybe if I forgive my self for this, I can find happiness with some one new too.
My parents can try to tear me down if they like. By either making snide comments on how I "should" act or whether they don't say anything at all about a big part of my life, but it wont work. I'm going to start commenting back. This is my life and I should be able to do what makes me happy, whether it is cutting my meat into little pieces or being able to talk about Jude. If this makes me "rude", "disrespectful", and possibly even a "bitch", then so be it. I wont let you verbally hurt me anymore.
Adoption was really the best thing for Jude. I may have not been able to be a mother to him, but I gave him what he needed. I see mothers who can't do that for their kids when they do keep them. I made damn well sure Jude is taken care of and loved. Which he is, by his parents, by me and Victor, by my family, and Victor's family. He will never be unwanted, neglected, or unloved.
To help me, I have my infinity necklace.

I will remind my self of this everyday until I can look in the mirror and say to my self, "I am worth something. If not to others than to my self." I am strong, compassionate, beautiful, funny, and smart. I am infinitely better than I think I am. I am infinitely amazing.
Today, I start loving my self. Today, I become worthy of my self and others.
Happy New Years
May 2012 be as amazing as you all are

Monday, December 19, 2011

Ho Ho Holiday Emotions

So guess what….The holidays are here! No shit right? Seriously though, its a time for family, good will towards people, and giving and receiving. For me though, it means stress and family traditions. I’ve been super busy getting presents for everyone, wrapping them, and working. Then I have to worry about making sure I spend enough time with my moms family and my dads. On top of all that, Victor is in Germany until January 9th and any free time I have will be boring :/.
The holidays are always the worst when it comes to the adoption as well. Last year, the first christmas of the adoption, I was a wreck. I didn’t want to do anything and I spent any free time crying. I also semi-dramatically left christmas eve mass crying because I couldn’t handle my emotions.
This year, I have been handling everything pretty well. I sent Jude, Katie, and Greg’s gift off a few days ago and hopefully they will like them. I’ve been making my Nana a scrapbook of Jude’s pictures and hopefully soon, I will be working on Victors present (which is a stuffed animal of Rainbow Dash from My Little Pony: Friendship is magic, yes Victor is a Brony). There are only a few moments when I really wish I could see Jude, Katie, and Greg for the holidays.
Christmas time is a time for family traditions and sometimes I wish I could share those with Jude. Every Year my mom would buy us ordainments with the year on them. I wanted to try to do the same thing with Jude, so last year I bought Jude an ordainment. However this year I have been so busy with work and school that I forgot until just now…..literally as I was writing this *Face -> Palm*. I could try to put something together, but honestly maybe it is better that I let his actual parents buy him ordainments. I might send one every once in a while, but I think I need to let him and his family make their own traditions. 
Family get togethers are another hard one, but easy at the same time. I wish he was there and that everyone could see him, but at the same time I know my family…… its a good thing he isn’t around some of them.
The last thing is the fact that I don’t see him at all during the holidays. I honestly just didn’t think about it when we drew up the contract. So I just planned for his birthday and mine. But today I got asked if I was going to see him during the holidays. Its not a ridiculous question, in theory I should try to see Jude, Katie, and Greg for christmas what with them being family and all. But we have no plans to do so. I could ask Katie and Greg if they had some free time and meet them in the city next to their town, but I don’t even have time to go to Los Gatos, the town (and I shit you not) two minutes away from my house! Not only that, but what if they say no or I make them feel awkward? Could I handle the rejection of them saying No? I would feel horribly guilty if they agreed to seeing me but felt awkward for doing so. Its just a lot to think about.
I haven’t cried once though. I guess I’m just not sad anymore and that is so relieving in so many different ways. I hope Jude, Katie, and Greg have a wonderful Christmas and New Years together.
I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and New Years filled with love and happiness!

Friday, December 9, 2011

Secret Confession 1

I don’t really have anything to say this week so I thought I would post a secret to keep things interesting.
Here’s the first one…..
I sleep with one of Jude’s spit up rags every night. Some times I hold it, sometimes I just sleep with it under my pillow. It never leaves my bed though, and if any one sleeps in my bed for what ever reason, I put it some where else so that persons smell will not get to it. I have not and will not ever wash it.