Sunday, November 1, 2015

Day 1: Fact

So day one is a fact about adoption. I really wanted to find some specific facts about birth parents, but since facts about adoption are pretty limited I couldn't really find any. However, I found two articles that show something that I like to point out to people.

So the first article is a Buzzfeed article, which while I love Buzzfeed for so many reasons but I know that what ever I read (regarding serious topics that is) I have to take it with a grain of salt. This one is titled "17 shocking things everyone should know about adoption" and its written by a young woman named Alison Caporimo.

Buzzfeed Article

So people who really know about adoption, the adoption process, and the many different things involved in adoption please hold what ever you want to say until you read the whole post. What I love (in a laughable way) about this article (as I try to sit and read it with my many hats: birth mom, social work, average citizen), is its like the beginners guide to some area's of adoption. Not even whats wrong with adoption, just some facts about adoption. The article obviously has a very like "HOW TERRIBLE ARE THESE THINGS?!" undertone to it. Which yeah, looking at this as an average American some of these Im like "What?! Korea should be happy that my fat ass wants to adoption a child!" As a social worker and to some extent a birth mom Im thinking "How smart". This article picked out all the facts that are really hot topics right now. Money, LGBT rights, racial issues, foreign policy, and overall it takes the side of the child and adoptive parents. Don't get me wrong these issues are important, but instead of going whole hog into it, the issues are just touched upon which doesn't give them the justice they deserve. To be honest, as a social worker and birth parent this article frustrated me so much for so many different reasons. Its one sided, it doesn't look at the deeper issues of these facts, some facts were just put there to obviously insight some kind of negative feeling, to it wasn't well researched and so many other things that I thought to my self 'The f!@% did I just read?'

I found the Buzzfeed article because of a different article done by the Huffington Post. Its a response to the BF article titled "10 Really Shocking Facts of Child Adoption" by Mirah Riben.

Huffington Post Article

Can I just say, that I love when some one just rips some one apart when they actually deserve it. Riben's just tears into Caporimo's article like its wet tissue paper and hits everything that is wrong with that article perfectly. She comments about the facts; conforming that those facts are true and here is why or saying no, thats not quite right heres what it really is and why. My favorite thing about it is her tone. You can tell that Riben is angry and is ready to defend adoption to the end. To an average person, this looks a little extreme. To a person like me, who is very involved in adoption I think its the attitude that was needed.

To make it better, Riben adds some well researched adoption facts that are shocking and truthfully scary. The fact that hit me the most was fact number 7. Let me explain a but further. Adoptive families can choose how open or closed there contact with each other is. Open adoptions equals more contact (emails, photos, even visits), while closed adoptions equals less or no contact. Open adoption is not legally mandatory in a majority of states. Meaning, that if a open adoption is promised by an adoptive couple but then they completely close the adoption after that is final the law is on the side of the adoptive parents not the biological parents. Now, Ive known about this since I first gave my son, Jude, up for adoption. I was lucky being in California where open adoption is legally mandatory so I had an open adoption going in. While looking for support from other birth moms and birth parent oriented sites back in 2011, I came across a article about a birth mother who was promised an open adoption and the adoptive parents closed it the moment the adoption was final. The birth mother committed suicide two months later due to grief from the closed adoption. This scared me for two reasons; 1) I had given my son up not two months ago and was very worried the same would happen to me. 2). I complete understood why she committed suicide and I was %100 sure that would have done the same thing if the same happened to me.

All of the facts Riben talk about are hard to read, as they should be. Those facts are the ones that are truly terrifying and should cause alarm. When we fight for child adoption reform we should look at the things that cause great harm to a mass of people. Adoptees that cant get their official birth certificate with out jumping through hoops, birth mothers pressured into a situation, birth fathers not having rights at all, adoptive parents who abuse their adoptive children, and state and federal laws making it harder on the adoption process. These are things that truly make me frustrated about adoption.

To me these are the facts that matter.

I guess Im back

Hi everyone, its been a while. I'm sorry I left, some times life just gets away with you. In a bit I'll do an over view of whats been going on in my life since 2013, but for now I thought I would just start back up.

I saw this from another post on here and I want to do it. My adoption story has plateaued due to a couple different reasons. While its no longer a huge part of my life, its still apart of my life. Not only that, I imagine during national adoption month people will be hearing a lot from adoptive parents and adopted children, but not so much about birth parents. I think that its important that birth parents share their side of the story as well, whether it was a good story or a bad one. The first post will come later tonight!

Monday, February 18, 2013

I'm having a bad day

Nothing really brought it on. In fact this day is the best in my week, I have nothing to do. I dont have to leave the apartment at all if I dont want to. I could sleep or eat all day. I've been watching movies and Ive had a good day at school.

But for some reason I keep thinking back to my last day in the hospital with Jude. My last night, my last day, and the hours after he was "gone".

They come like flash backs or nightmares. I grieve all over again, crying for something I knew I wouldn't have. Then I want to cry because I'm crying over something that I shouldn't be over more.

I want to lay in bed, cry, spend money I don't have on things I don't need, I want to dye my hair to feel better about myself, I want to ask Greg for a recent picture but I wont because I don't want to over step boundaries, I want my mom here so I can cry and not feel stupid for doing so, and I want Victor here so I can cry and not get judged for crying.

I think I need a therapist. 

Saturday, January 26, 2013

A Long Post About The Future

I've been thinking about having kids lately. Everyone and there mother is pregnant with their second child (which if you are, congrats! I love babies!), and my uterus is like "Gimme!". Honestly, I don't want kids right now or even in the next 2-3 years. Im going to say the thing the birth mom isn't supposed to say.

I like not having a kid.

I get to sleep for more than 5 hours a day. I am free a good portion of my day. I can go to school and just focus on school. I only have to worry about my self, which I can barely handle. I love being almost 22 years old, and actually being able to act like I'm 22. This doesn't mean that if I had kept Jude, or if another baby came along I wouldn't rise to the occasion. I would try to be the best damn mom I could be, and love being a mom. But sometimes, Im just glad my biggest problem with Jude is what to get him as a present.

With all these new second babies though, my uterus is screaming for a baby and Im starting to feel it. A lot of girls on blogs I read are pregnant with their second, a lot of girls out in the real world are pregnant with their second, and even Katie is pregnant! Thanks to every one who helped me with that by the way, I do feel better and I have gotten lots of help outside of Tumblr as well. (She's having a boy!) We'll, at first I was like, "Is that what I should be doing? Having my second baby?". It seemed like everyone was doing it (HA!), and it made me feel left out. But then I really thought about it and I came to a conclusion.

Parents with more than one child take this with as much "No Offense" as possible. I don't like the idea of more than one child. It legitimately am scared of the idea of having another baby down the road, because I know to some extent it would take away from Jude. I love Jude so much, and as moms know, that love just friggen' comes out of no where and it is the most intense thing in the world. It's not the love part thats getting to me, I would love my kids equally if I had just Jude and another or Jude and 5 more.....yeah, No 5 kids is not happening even if hell froze over.  It's knowing that by having that kid other kid, you loose time and experiences (and sanity from what I hear). You also have to share attention between the children. I feel like its such a bummer for that child and parent. I'm not saying that this is a bad thing or that I'm judging parents (and if it sounds like that, sorry). Obviously there are huge bonuses of having a sibling/new baby, but to me its just...scary.

Does this mean I will have only one child in the future? Maybe, I kinda have a feeling it wont work out that was because (TMI) I am a horn dog and accidents happen. If I could plan though, I might just have 1. 2 under the condition that they are at least 7 years apart. I feel like its enough time to enjoy the first babies time as a infant, toddler, and young child. Then they are off at school and other activities, and during such you can enjoy time focusing on baby being a baby, and then the rest of the time, split the attention. Plus I'm hoping I'll be married and then we can each take a kid and focus on that kid.

I heard some where that people fear the unknown. I am technically talking out of my ass, because while I am to a small extent a mom, I don't have child experience outside of nannying/babysitting. For all I know I am an ignorant SOB, and don't know what Im thinking. I do know, that I need to stop worrying and enjoy this time of my life. Cause I'm not getting it back.

Thursday, December 13, 2012


I need everyones help for this one. It’s not urgent, but the all caps most likely got your attention I hope. :)
With finals coming to an end soon (THANK GOD) and having some time to do some creative things, I was thinking I would work on Jude’s Information book. The idea behind this Information book is to provide information about Victor and I and our families for Jude. Things like what were like, our family trees, why we gave him up for adoption, and maybe a letter to him for the future. I want him to have this so that if he wants to know about us, but doesn’t want to meet us yet, then he will have something to look at to know us with out meeting us. 
The problem: I don’t know what to put in it other than the ideas I suggested above. :/ This is where you lovely people come in. Can you give me ideas and suggestions as to what to put into this book?
What would you want your birth children to know about you? What do you think they want to know about you? What messages, pictures, thoughts, and any thing else you can think of would you want them to know/see?
What things would you want your adopted children to know about their birth parents? What do you want to know about your child’s birth parents? Are their stories, messages, pictures, or thoughts you would want your child to know about their birth parents?
What kind of things do you want to know about your birth parents? Would you want a letter from them? Pictures? Stories? Would you want a family tree of your biological family? What would you want them to say to you about anything?
If you had the chance to ask your parents anything, what would you ask them? Is there anything you would want to know about your parents? What would you want your parents to tell you?
I will take any suggestions, ideas, questions from anyone, you don’t have to be following me to answer these questions. Like I said, its not urgent, but once school starts up again in January, I wont have much time again. So, please help?

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

2nd Birthday Visit

This past weekend I met with Jude, Katie and Greg. It was Jude's 2nd birthday on Monday, so we celebrated. We met at the Children's Discovery Museum. It was just me this visit, which was very nice. Victor was unable to come this time, for personal reasons. It was just the 4 of us, which was nice.

I think all of us were really quiet this visit. We talked I mean, but there were lulls in the conversation sometimes. I personally was dead tired from the previous night of shenanigans and had a lot on my mind. I was so tired I didn't have time to make the Yo Gabba Gabba cupcakes I wanted to. I just ended up going to a local bakery and picking out like $40 worth of treats. Jude and his folks didn't seem to mind though.

Jude was just great. Apparently he had a cold this visit and had a very short nap before getting to the museum, but that only slowed him down a bit. We ate some food truck food, which was super good. Then went into the actual museum. Jude is a very smart boy. He talks a lot, loudly, but a lot. He's curious about everything and likes to explore. Katie and Greg are doing a great job. Jude is a huge ham. Always smiling for the camera and saying "cheese!". Some times he'll even pose.

He is just the best and the cutest kid around. I would have to say his only problem right now is sharing. Only child syndrome is a tough one to break. I have confidence though that Katie and Greg will nip that problem in the bud and/or he will grow out of it. I took a lot of pictures with my own camera this time, but it really prevented me from interacting with Jude. Not only that, but I was pretty much a pack mule with my purse, Jude's presents from Victor and I, and the sweets I bought. I had my hands full.

A couple of hours later Jude was getting fussy, and we adults were pooped. I walked them back to the car and we got the group shot I wanted. We briefly mentioned the next visit in February and said our good byes. I got hugs from everyone and kisses (besos) from Jude. Off they went and I caught the light rail back to the place I was staying.

Victor was bummed he missed the visit, but he had bigger problems that he needed to deal with. The pictures I took cam out ok, I'm n professional, but they will do until I get the one's Greg took. I'll be like an excited puppy waiting at the mail box for the next couple weeks.

All in all, It was a good visit. Even emotionally I am fine. Like any mom, I'm bummed he's getting older and not a little baby any more. However, I'm not sad. I'm a bit off balance if that makes any sense. Natty was telling me how much people back in Jude's home town people love him there and how he never wants for anything. This is all wonderful to hear don't get me wrong, but I couldn't help but wonder 'What does he need me for?'. I'm not really sure if he will. Honestly, I think I'm ok with that, but its just weird. I had this vision of what I wanted to be in Jude's life or at least what I wanted to be and now I've come to the conclusion that I might not be anything. I guess time will tell. I can't wait until christmas to make his present. 

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Goal for Next Visit

I have one real goal for this visit coming up in a couple of weeks. It will be his birthday visit and I am more than excited to see them. I have his cupcakes all planned out and maybe a few Balloons. My one goal is to get a picture of all five of us, Victor, Jude, Katie, Greg, and I.
A couple of months ago I realized that I don’t have a picture of all five of us. I have a picture of Katie and Me at the hospital before Jude was born, but thats it. I feel like the hugest bitch for not asking for a picture of all! I guess I just wasn’t thinking, plus what does it say that they didn’t want one either? I’m not even going to think on that….
I will get that picture! It will happen!

Friday, September 21, 2012

In a little less than a month, Jude will be two

 For what ever reason, I seem to be taking this hard. I don't really know why. It could be because it's shark week (TMI), I'm in a new place and lonely, or a lot of girls I know are on to their second child right now and my uterus is saying "Um, hello?! When's it my turn?" (I usually just laugh at my uterus and tell it in a evil, maniacal way "I planted a device that doesn't allow us to have kids. You will be childless until 2016! Muhahaha!" At that point my uterus stabs a knife in me and calls it cramps...... Annnnnyyyyyywhhhoo)

Two years old, bajesus, where does the time go?! It just seems like yesterday when he was born. As creepy as this sounds, I can still remember his baby smell. I remember when he was first born and just all of a sudden there. He was a passive baby, even as a new born. He came out quiet, cried for a minute, stayed pretty quiet. I had a c-section, so after he came out they whisked him off for tests and food and such. My mom went with him, Victor stayed with me and assured me that Jude was fine. A couple of minutes went by, I knew Jude was fine with the nurses and Victor and I were just passing time with some of our witty banter. And then, all of a sudden, there was a baby in my face.

So many different thoughts went through my mind in a 1 second span. He didn't seem real. His face was to squished. He didn't look like he was breathing, but to me babies never look like their breathing. As far as I could tell, he was sleeping. I literally thought to my self "This really would be my child if he the first thing he chooses to do in the life is sleep". Despite all that going through my head, I spoke.

"Oh! Hello! Your here"

He opened his eyes and gave my face a quick look over, as if to say "huh? Oh yeah, I know you. Ok, back to sleep". From there he was passed around to Victor, my mom, different nurses for tests. I didn't get to really hold him until I went to recovery. Everyone kept telling me that holding a new born was like holding a loaf of bread. Incase anyone was wondering, holding a 10 pound baby is nothing like a holding a loaf of bread. I can still remember feeling the weight of him in my arms for the first time. 

Baby nostalgia I guess.

Victor and I have a visit coming up in October. We found a book we would really like to get him for his birthday. I thought of maybe an art project as well, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to pull it off before his birthday. Unfortunately due to being broke college students this year, Victor and I can't get Jude anything big this year. Its a bummer for us because we love making him something big for his birthday. Maybe for christmas we will do something, but for now it's just the book. 

I plan on making a small treat, like cupcakes or cookies for the visit. It should just be Victor and I. I'm hoping we go to aquarium, mainly because I want to go to the aquarium really bad, but I think Jude would have a good time too. But I would be fine with the beach, Happy Hallow Zoo, SF Zoo, or even a near by park or activity center. I don't really have much planned other than enjoy what ever new tricks Jude has learned, get as many pictures as possible, maybe have Victor get close enough to Jude so they can fist bump, and have a great time with Katie and Greg. 

I'm stuck trying to figure out what I'm going to make. Victor and I aren't a huge fan of giving Jude sugar. For his first birthday I tried to make his cupcakes as sugar-free as possible. This time I'm thinking cake pops with a light frosting, cookies, german pancakes (I think thats the name of what I'm thinking of), maybe a chocolate covered fruit of some kind. I'll play around with some ideas, but if you guys have suggestions I would be happy to hear them. :)

I'm really excited to see Katie, Greg, and Jude again. I don't just miss Jude, I miss all of them. Three more weeks! :D

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

7/21/2012 Visit with Jude

 I finally got lazy enough and oddly motivated enough to write this. (Yeah, I'm an oxymoron, just deal with it.)

So this visit was by far the most drama filled. Originally, this visit was just supposed to be the kind of visit Victor and I wanted, which means just the two of us enjoying Jude, Katie, and Greg's company. I wanted a picture of all five of us and maybe a girls picture and a boys picture so I could hang them up at my new place. It was going to be simple and nice and as quiet as a 2 year old toddler could be.

Well that didn't happen.

We were all supposed to meet on july 21st. But then Greg had to attend a meeting that got changed to that day, and wanted to meet either later the 21st or 22nd. We decided the 21st because Victor and his family were leaving to go to San Diego the 22nd. Then Victor's parents changed their plans and decided to leave the 21st as well.
You see to pull this visit off with just the two of us, we kept Jude's visit a secret. Its not that we don't want other people to see him and his family, we just want them to our selves some times. However, we have a hard time saying no to our parents. They went through a rough time too when Victor and I gave him up, so saying no is almost like seeing them let go again. Hence, why we kept it a secret. How ever, to figure out what time Victor would be leaving for his trip, we knew we would need to tell his parents about the visit. No surprise, Victor's family wanted to see Jude.
Long story short, they changed their departure date to the 22nd and K,G, and J would come in later in the afternoon and have dinner with Victors bigger-than-normal family. How much bigger you ask? Well, there were
  • Victor's Parent (2)
  • Victor's Brothers (2)
  • Victor's grandparents from Germany (2)
  • Victor's grandma (1)
  • Victor's two young cousins from Germany (2)
and of course
  • Victor (1)
  • Jude, Katie, and Greg (3)
  • Me (1)
If you kept count thats 14 people coming to this dinner.

The plan was for Jude and his folks to stop  by my house for a bit and see my parents and my sister, Sarah, who hasn't seen him since he was born. I told her two weeks in advance when he was coming and trying to arrange it special just so she could see him. However, she decided her friends and the beach was more important, but that is a whole other selfish story. Greg also was informed at the last minute that his meeting would go longer than he thought and could not make it to our visit. Katie came with he cousin, Lily instead, which was totally great with me because I love meeting Katie and Greg's families.

I picked Victor up and brought him back to my house. Katie, Lily, and Jude had just arrived and were walking up my drive way when we pulled in. Jude looked just as blonde and pale as ever. Katie looked as amazing as ever, and Lily could have been her sister if I hadn't known any better. I gave Jude a big kiss on his fat whittle cheeks and hugged and shook hands with Katie and Lily. We went into the house and my mom and stepdad had there time with them. I still needed to do my hair, so I went into my room and worked on that.

Jude to me didn't look much different to me, maybe a little taller and his hair was cut, but nothing more. Then in my room I heard a little voice. Not like a squeak or anything, but a small child's voice. I went back into the living room where everyone was at and there was Jude, talking away. "Door" "Up" Doggy" "Agua" "Momma" Dadda" "Outside" "Inside" "Hot" "MMMM Good" "Let see (for let me see)" and "Lets go!" My bio son talks! Not only that but understands even more english and spanish words! Genius!

The best part though....


my bio son high fives AND...

fist bumps!

Yeah, he's awesome.

After my parents house, Victor, Katie, Lily, Jude and I stopped by Safeway to grab some diapers and wipes, then we went to Victor's parents house. Everyone greeted us at the door and from there is was a whirl wind of Russian and German accents and food.

Victor was the same as he is at all the visits. He kept his distance and didn't say much. Jude was so interested in him (maybe because Victor had worn a Tie-dye shirt that day), but he kept his distance, almost like he knew he should. Within the first 10 minutes of being with his family, he had to leave. Even if it is his own family, social situations of more than 5 people become stressful for him. So despite what he wanted to do, he needed to leave. He sent me a heart breaking text later saying "I miss you. I miss Jude. I wish I could have been a better father." I called him immediately and told him that he did the right thing by giving him up, and even though we didn't get the visit we wanted, his family got what they needed and I'm sure they were truly grateful for that.

And they were. Everyone had a camera out and took as many pictures as possible. Katie and Jude played on the trampoline in the back yard with Victor's youngest brother and his cousins. They were very good with him and Jude loved being able to fall and not get hurt. Lily and I chatted up Victor's family, took pictures, and guarded the edges of the trampoline. Jude hugged or fist bumped everyone there, even Victor's dog Sammy. He hugged Victor's Mom like 30 times and jumped and climbed all over anyone who would let him. Around 7pm he started to get cranky, but luckily Victor's parents have Netflix on demand and put on the only show he will watch, Yo Gabba Gabba.

(Side note: seriously though, WTF is up with that show??? Are the writes and designers on acid the whole time and just put what they see?! Idk, but if Jude loves it then I do too.)

He watched 4 episodes while we ate dinner and dessert and talked. Then he became cuddly and Katie and I traded sitting with him and snuggling with him. We all left by 9pm, waaayyy past Jude's bedtime, but he would sleep in the car. Katie and Lily dropped me off back at my house and we made unofficial plans for our next time to be the weekend before his birthday.

All in all, it was a great, but stressful visit. I guess the next thing that most birth parents and adoptive parents wonder is "Did you get sad?"

Well, that post of for next time.  

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I swear I'm ok!

I'm just stressed with moving and such. I'm going to Humboldt in the fall and packing my room up and trying to find an apartment and making sure my transcripts are all in order and yeah......

But Jude, Katie, and Greg are coming for a visit on Saturday! YAY! I will be definitely be writing about that :)