Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Playlist: Stop & Stare by OneRepublic

I really think this song touches on what I think ALOT about after the adoption; moving on without moving on. I know life goes on, and to some extent I want my life to go on. I want to transfer to a different school, get a degree, fall in love, get married, and the whole cliched sha-bang. to some extent I don't, I just want to be able to stare at the pictures of little Jude's blue eyes forever and just do nothing but miss him. When I'm in that mood, its hard to take that step into the unknown area of moving on. Sometimes though, it's what needs to be done. Whether you want it to or not. 

(Advise: Try to find an acoustic version of this song. I personally think it sounds better than a full  band version.)

"Stop & Stare" by OneRepublic

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shaking off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see

They're trying to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
Something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need

What you need, what you need...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do you see what I see...

Tuesday, June 28, 2011


I have an over sense of guilt. I feel guilty all the time. Some times its appropriate, sometimes its not, and sometimes (apparently) its cute. I feel guilty when I get sick and have to miss school and work, because I feel like I'm abandoning them. I feel guilty when I have to choose one thing over another and I know there is a winner and a loser. I feel guilty about a lot of things, including the adoption.

There were three big reasons why I gave Jude up for adoption:
1). It was the best choice that would give him the best possible life.
2). I wasn't ready to be a parent (in so many ways).
3). If I changed my mind, I would disappoint Katie, Greg, Matty, Victor, and probably many other people.

Knowing that I would disappoint Katie and Greg made me feel so bad. Every time I even thought about changing my mind, my stomach would start to hurt and guilt would take over. You would think that the guilt would end once the adoption was final, oh no. Thats too easy for me. Every once in a while I want to see Jude on a whim. I have two mandatory visits with Jude, one in February and one in october. There's a lot of time in between those two dates. I come close to asking them some times, but just before I start to feel guilty. The same guilt that haunted me when I was pregnant comes back when ever I want to ask for an unplanned visit. In the end I don't ask for a visit because I feel so bad. I feel like I'm disappointing them some how or making them upset and uncomfortable. Maybe by not taking that chance I'm learning to let go, but the guilt is some times unbearable.

I feel guilty that I couldn't take care of Jude. A mother should be able to take care of her son. She should be able to give him anything he would ever need and want. I couldn't do that, does that make me a failure as a mother? Further more, since I am a woman and one big "job" a woman has is having AND raising children, does that make me a failure as a woman (so far that is)? I feel guilty that I couldn't be there for all of his mile stones; rolling over, crawling, teeth, and first real foods. I feel guilty that I wont be there for future miles stones; walking, learning how to ride a bike, first day of school, graduating high school, and going to college. I feel guilty that he is never going to really have a chance to know Victor and I in depth. We are more than willing to share anything with him about us, but he will never really know us like he would have if we kept him.

I feel guilty about the people that were effected by me coming home pregnant. I feel bad that I had to move back home and inconvenience my parents, who thought they were on their way to empty nesters. I feel bad that I "ruined" my sisters senior year by being pregnant and by living at home. I'm guilty that I disappointed my dad and step mom to the point where they felt they needed to banned me from their house until I was no longer pregnant. I feel bad that Victor was stretched out thin between pregnant me, school, taking care of his family, and dealing with the adoption. I'm not much a stable person now, and he sticks by me and helps me through it anyway he can. He shouldn't have to do that. I should be able to fix my self , but I can't. So I feel bad for bringing him down with me.

I feel guilty that I feel so much guilt.

Sometimes these things don't bother me. sometimes I have other feelings towards these events and actions. I know, or at least I hope, some of these feelings of guilt will go away. The real question is when. The other is how. well, not really, I know that answer. You loose your guilt by forgiving your self. By realizing that some of these things are not your fault and that things happen. Some of it was your doing and some of it was not. There were only so much you could do and there were only a few options you could choose from. The choices that u you made have been made, there is nothing you can do about them now.

The best thing you can do now is forgive your self, make realizations about your self, and rediscover your self. In short "Learn, Live, Love."

Saturday, June 18, 2011

The Playlist: Father and Daughter by Paul Simon

With Fathers Day coming up I thought this was the perfect song. I first heard this song in The Wild Thornberry's Movie. I honestly just liked the tune and listen to it every once in a while. Now I know I have a son and that I'm not a father, but the lyrics he sings run true for any parent. But since it is directed more towards Fathers, I'm using it for Fathers Day. I'm thankful for Greg, Jude's adoptive dad, for being the most amazing father to my son. I couldn't have imagined any one better to be a father to Jude. I'm thankful for my dad, stepdad, grandpa, uncles, and older brothers for being in my life. I'm thankful for Victor for making a choice as a father to do what is right for his son, even though it was very hard.

I hope you all have a wonderful Father's Day.

"Father And Daughter" By Paul Simon

If you leap awake in the mirror of a bad dream
And for a fraction of a second you can't remember where you are
Just open your window and follow your memory upstream
To the meadow in the mountain where we counted every falling star

I believe a light that shines on you will shine on you forever
And though I can't guarantee there's nothing scary hiding under your bed
I'm gonna stand guard like a postcard of a Golden Retriever
And never leave 'til I leave you with a sweet dream in your head

I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you

Trust your intuition
It's just like goin' fishin'
You cast your line and hope you get a bite
But you don't need to waste your time
Worryin' about the market place
Try to help the human race
Struggling to survive its harshest night

[Chorus 2x]

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

So You've Given Your Baby Up For Adoption . . . . What Comes Next?

Thats the big question in every birth mothers mind at one point or another. WHAT HAPPENS NEXT? What is my life going to be like? What am I going to be like?

There's this saying, "The past is history, the future's a mystery, and today is a gift. That's why its called the present." The future is a mystery. Boy, if that part doesn't ring more true then at that moment when your saying goodbye to your baby.

I had planned everything in my pregnancy, birth, and the time we spent in the hospital. I planned absolutely nothing for what would happen afterwards. Nothing. Zip. Nada. I didn't know what was going to happen the first second of the first minute after he left. I didn't know how to plan for that, I mean how could I? For all I know, I could become an emotional wreck on the verge of a psychological break-down or I could have been perfectly fine. I had no idea who I was going to become after he left.

I didn't cry. I couldn't. I was too numb. I was numb from signing the papers. I became even more numb after Victor left. He needed to go to school, so he left the hospital. I give him so much crap about this and make him feel HORRIBLY guilty about leaving me, but honestly I think I needed it. I needed to become distant and numb, otherwise I would have never let him go. My mom and my sister were bawling their eyes out, but I couldn't. When we got home, I got into my bed and looked around. No crib, no changing table, no diapers, no baby. It was wrong, all wrong. I broke down, I cried, screamed, and wailed. "I want my baby back!", empty words. I stayed in bed, watched TV, took Vicodin for the pain ( I had a C-section), watched my stepdad do his happy dance when the SF Giants won the world series, and slept.

At the very beginning, I thought the world ended. Doesn't everyone? I thought this is what I was going to become. Depressed, laying in bed, going no where with my life. Granted I didn't want to go anywhere, but still. This strange thing happened though; I believe they call it life.

The world kept spinning. Flowers bloomed, grass grew, babies were born (oh, poor choice of words), people died, and the days came and went. I don't know how it happened, but I slowly was becoming OK. I knew the moment it did happen though, My family and I went to the parade in the San Francisco for the Giants after they won the world series. I smiled, I laughed, I was excited, and I had fun. After all the depression and grief I had been through in the last couple of weeks, I could still have fun.

I didn't become all better in that moment. It was slow, and there are still moments where I know I have taken like a 100 steps backwards, but you do move forward with life. Its nothing like your old life, you will never get that back. You create a new normal, a new life. "YOU create" being the key words in that sentence.

A life just doesn't fall into your lap, you need to work for it. If you want to get a job, then start looking through the classifieds. Wanna go back to school, register. Just like in anything you ever want to do, you need to help your self.

I honestly can't tell you what comes next. Every situation is different and every one handles it differently. I can tell you though, that it does get better. I didn't believe it at first or maybe I just didn't want to believe it, but it does. A new normal will set in place and you will feel better. You just need to trust that you will, and be confident enough to be able to work for it.

So, what does comes next?

Well, What do you want to come next?