Visit 3/3/12

This last weekend I had a wonderful visit with Jude, Katie and Greg! Before I get into this visit though, I need to share some back story so you understand my mind set during this visit.

A month or two ago I had a sort of a revelation or ephifany. This is really hard for some people to understand, so lets hope it goes well here.

I am very happy with where Jude is. I don't want him back. I don't want to raise him in anyway. He is better off with Katie and Greg and I am better off without Jude. I love getting pictures, updates, and visits. I never ever want to stop seeing him. I love him more than anything else in the world and would be thrilled if, when he's older, he would like to spend a weekend with me or even invite me to special events.  However, I'm fully aware that I am not his mother and I'm not going to pretend that I am. I gave birth to him. I will always love him like he is my son. I will always be there for him if or when he needs me. My mothering "duties" stop there. I'm not the one who wakes up with him when he gets sick in the middle of the night. I am not the one who will make him sandwiches for school. I'm not the one who will ground him for crashing the car. I will also not be the one who will get mothers day cards, watch him graduate from college, and drill the girl he brings home to marry. That is not a role I am meant to play in his life and I am happy that I won't be able to play that role. I have the opportunity to play a different role all together and I am perfectly excited about it.

Now that we have gotten that straight, I'll tell you about the visit.

We decided to go to the beach the day before. Victor was unsure if he had wanted to go to the beach with us, but he knew he wanted to see Jude. I asked Katie and Greg if we could have lunch before hand and they happily agreed. When I told my parents this, they got their big puppy eyes out and asked if they could come too. I couldn't say no to them, but honestly I just didn't want them to come that visit. It messed up a lot of different things. 1). That many people and people that he knows hates him (my stepdad especially) sets off his Aspergers and he becomes very quiet and anti-social. 2). I made it seem like it would only be me and Victor at the lunch and then all of a sudden two more people are there. 3). Because of its short notice I didn't have time to inform Victor's parents that Jude was coming for a visit. The adoption was hard on them too and I know for sure that at least Victor's mom would have liked to see him. It just sucks that my parents have the advantage of being right next to me when they hear Jude is in town. 

As stressed as I was though, lunch went by well. Victor interacted with Jude a bit. My parents talked to Greg and Katie. Victor and I really just talked to each other. I gave them their christmas presents and watched Jude build with blocks. My step dad even talked to Vlad for a bit about transferring to schools. At one point it got to be too much for Victor and he went outside, but other than that it was great. Later, after the visit, I told Victor about our day and he had said it wished it had gone differently because he felt like he didn't get the kind of visit he wanted because of all the stress and his Asperger's caused. 

After lunch, Katie, Greg, Jude, and I drove to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. We talked, walked along the pier, went in the water some. Jude and I played in the water, Katie and Greg did as well, but not at much because they weren't dress appropriately. We stayed there for a couple of hours. We changed Jude into a different outfit and got some stuff to eat. I went to the best candy store ever. Jude ate some Mum-mums and watermelon. Katie had cucumbers and pineapple and Greg ate a deep fried twinkie. Then we drove back to my house and parted ways from their. I don't know when our next visit is, but it doesn't matter. The whole time I was there I kind of felt like their nanny or like their family friend, but I was totally cool with it. They are both roles I'm good at playing and I like playing.

I was so happy to see them all. Jude has grown so much! He's starting to talk and babble. He can say Mama, dada, and hot. He walks and runs pretty well. Can built up blocks and knock them down. Sleeps through the night and eats all of his food. He has just started to throw tantrums, but they last two minutes at most. His favorite show is Yo Gabba Gabba! and he likes shoes. He looks like and acts most like Victor. He has so many physical traits that Victor has. Their eyes, their facial expressions, their swirl on the back of their head. Their both not morning people, eat almost anything, and sleep like the dead. Oh, my boys, my two favorite boys. 

 Until next time :)

Mother Wonder

So, in my last post I talked about the “What ifs” and said that the only thing I could possibly know about the future was what kind of mother I would be. Well, I have been thinking about that a lot lately for multiple reasons. One, my neighbor just had a baby a few days ago. Two, I’ve already started thinking about Jude’s birthday present. Three, I have a visit with Jude soon and that always makes me think of him more.

I thought I would share my views and thoughts on parenting with you lovely folks (because I know you all care so much). Really though, I’m doing this more for my self, so that when I’m like 30 and really do have my own kids, I can read this and either see that I stuck with my views or laugh at my younger naive self. 

Lets make some assumptions though because I have no REAL idea of how future me is going to be like. Lets assume that when I do have kids; I have no monetary limit and I have a supportive husband.

FURNITURE

I know I need to buy things like a crib, changing table, a swing, a stroller, and a car seat. But I hate the idea of buying something that doesn’t grow with the child and after a year I would need to get rid of it because its too small. I personally think its stupid. I would buy as much as possible with the ability to grow with the child. I’m not sure if I would want a crib, but like a small bed with a fence around it or something. I’d use a dresser with one of those padding used in a changing table on top or the floor.

There was this company that I found that I loved called Stokke. They make products that grow with the child, like their bed is made for birth until 10 yrs. old. Their high chair is made to last all stages of life, birth until death. Amazing, cool, and expensive, but if that crib/bed would last me 10 years then its worth it. Anything I couldn’t buy that would grow with the baby, I would buy second hand stuff. There is a wonderful world of Goodwill and Salvation Army out there, why not use them to full advantage?

BEHAVIOR

This covers everything from sleeping, eating, play time, scheduling, etc. I’m going to make this short and to the point because some of these we can go on and on about.

• Sleep - Baby sleeping in its own space. No Co-sleeping what so ever. I toss and turn and sleep on top pillows and it would just be bad. 
• Eating - Love meat, love veggies, love sugar, love fast food; In short I love food. I want to my children to love and experience food too. Not too much of the bad stuff and definitely try different cultures food
• Crying - I’m a big believer in babies cry for no reason some times. Letting them cry it out sometimes is, in my mind, is ok. I mean I wouldn’t do this for twenty minutes, but for five is reasonable. If i’m doing something like taking out the trash or taking a shower and the baby starts crying. I finish taking the trash out and I finish washing what ever I was washing, then go get the baby. 
• Scheduling - I want this baby/kid on a somewhat flexible schedule. I want it to become more strict as he/she gets older, but not too strict.

OTHER

• I am vaccinating my children.
• C-section and drugs all the way when it comes to child birth.
• I am sending them to day care, even if its for one day a week.
• I want to be a stay at home mom while they are in preK-5th grade, then go back to work after that.
• I will tell them, when their old enough and/or if Jude is in our lives, that Jude is their family and how he’s my birth son and all that.
• I think I would use both cloth and disposable diapers.

Now this is all assuming I’m at an appropriate age to have a kid and all my ducks are in a row, so to speak. If I would have kept Jude or had another baby now, things would be totally different. I would just need to get by with whatever I can. I would have to work most of my day, buy everything second hand, and not have much help from Victor. There are too many factors to determine how I would be. I only know one thing that I would definitely do as a teen parent.

If I was teen or young adult, like I am now, I would give up EVERYTHING and ALMOST any thing that would be something a typical teenager would do. As far as I’m concerned, being a teenager is a privilege and a relatively new one at that. I lost the privilege to go out and drink, do drugs (if I ever did do any), go out with friends randomly, and other teenage things, the moment the second pink line appeared. You can’t have the lifestyle of a teenager and a mom symotantiously. 

I love kids and definitely want at least one more in the near future, but for now I’m happy with the life I’m living. Lets see if ten years from now, if I still accept these parenting views or not.

Authors Note: In the famous words of India Arie “Don’t be offended, this is all my opinion, ain’t nothin’ that I’m saying law”. In other words, nothing I say is fact just my opinion. If you don’t like what I’m saying, you can stop reading.

The Birthday Party

On the 16th, the day after Jude’s birthday, Katie and Greg came over with Jude and I threw him a birthday party. Katie and Greg gave me the OK at our last visit, so since then I have been planning party for Jude. I invited a bunch of family and friends to come hang out with us. Victor’s parents and youngest brother came over and that was ….. nerve racking but fun and good. I’m not as good about sending them pictures than I should be and I always feel horrible about it. Having them come to the party was good for Jude and for them. It was the first time they had seen him since the hospital.

That was the case with about half of the people there. The other half were meeting him for the first time. My sister couldn’t come. She’s in Reno for college and doesn’t have a car. We video chatted like ten minutes after Jude came over and she showed him the socks she got him for his birthday (but didn’t send yet). She also called me that night and asked how the party went and stuff. 

Jude, Katie, and Greg came over an hour early so me, my mom, and step dad could have some time alone with Jude. It was the first time my mom and step dad had seen Jude since the hospital. They looked happy and they looked sad as well. I know the feeling and it was sort of the theme of the day. It’s a happy and joyful occasion, but at the same time your sad because you know that after this day he leaves again. 

Poor Jude had a cold and no nap that day, but did amazingly well. He only cried once, and that’s when he walked into a wall. He’s developing so well. He has 11 teeth, he’s walking and running, he’s says “dada” and other syllables, he’s the right height and weight for his age group. He has big feet, they have to special order his shoes because he’s not walking enough for hard sole shoes. So they have to special order the soft sole shoes.

The party went really well. People talked with each other, they ate food, Victor’s brother and Jude played with each other, and everyone just watched Jude walk around. They would try to hold him, kiss him, and find things for him to do. I made cupcakes instead of a cake. I made marble cupcakes (from scratch) with two different whipped cream frostings. I made two different because the first one I made tasted weird to me because it had a cream cheese base and turns out I don’t like cream cheese. So I used up the rest of the heavy cream and made traditional whipped cream. Jude ate his all up and got it all over him self. Everyone else seemed to enjoy theirs as well. I know I liked mine.

We opened presents after that. Jude recieved some very nice gifts. He got a blanket, a set of board books, a wooden fire truck, a pull-along wooden train, a toy box (from Victor and I), and some clothes. He had two other parties before mine, so he probably has A LOT of toys. Now though he has a toy box to put them in.

All in all, it was a wonderful day. The sun was shinning, it was a comfortable temperature, and everyone had a good time; even Victor who had spent most of the party in my room on his computer. He was good though, and came out and socialized every once in a while and took “family” photos with me and Jude. Katie and Greg left shortly after everyone else left. We took some more pictures, made sure they had everything they came with, and said our goodbyes. I’ll see him again most likely in Feburary for my birthday. I told Katie and Greg how much I appreciate them and how grateful I was to have been able to do this. Not only that but I was the dunce and forgot to take any pictures, luckily Greg (being the photographer he is) brought in his camera and started taking pictures. They have no idea how much I love them and appreciate them.

Some of my friends from Monterey stayed later, and we just sat around and talked until they needed to leave. Then I helped clean up a bit, and eventually left. I was house sitting that night, but before I went over there I went with Victor to go get food. He wanted Carls Jr. and I wanted Miky D’s, so we went to both. As he was getting his food, I stayed in the car and listened to music. I plugged in my ipod and played some of Jude’s playlist. The first song that comes on is Jude’s song. “The Only Exception” by Paramore. I start singing along and all of a sudden, I start crying. Victor gets back in the car and he turns down my music. He asks me if I’m OK, and I lie and say I’m fine. Then I lean is and give him a hug and start crying again.

Maybe I needed to cry. It wasn’t for long, maybe five minutes at most. I wasn’t sad, or maybe I was. It wasn’t like I was mourning the baby I was giving up. I wasn’t mourning the adoption or anything. It was more of just an over dramatic “Wow, its been a year.” Victor held me for a long, even after I stopped crying. The adoption is hard on him too, maybe he needed a hug just as much as I did. 

Wow, its been a year already. I can’t wait to see what the next year brings me. :)

I Got A Visit!

Its true! Yesterday I saw Jude for the first time in 6 months exactly! It was some what unexpected because I had only gotten a weeks notice. The amount of joy I experienced though just knowing I was going to see him was indescribable. The down fall? I spent that week being extremely nervous and biting my nails until they bled. That’s OK though, cause I would risk a million ulcers and never having nails again if it meant I could see Jude.

The day came and I was freaking out. I had work in the morning, but I was free in the afternoon. I spent the rest of it worrying about what I should wear, how I should do my hair, and if I should paint my nails. My sister and my friend Hannah helped me figure all that out. (Dress, braids, and no nail polish in case you were wondering). Originally Victor, my mom, and my sister were going to come with me, but in the end Victor was the only person that came with me. 

First we went to Carls Jr. because Victor was hungry. Then we had to go to the apple store and drop off my mom’s computer to be fixed. I swear to god a million years passed by while I was waiting for the lady to take my information down. I practically ran out the apple store and Victor lagged behind. We met them in a coffee shop that was luckily right next to the apple store. They were right in front and Jude was eating food.

My biggest fear out of this meeting: Jude wouldn’t like me. I know people think “How can he not like you! He’s 10 months old he doesn’t know what he likes or doesn’t like.” Around 10 months though babies start to develop stranger anxiety and don’t like to be around people they don’t know. I know its nothing personal, but still. When I walked in, I sat down, said my hellos, smiled at him and he smiled right back. 

From there things became easier. We talked about how Jude is doing, how Katie and Greg are doing, and how Victor and I are doing. I made sure Victor was comfortable with everything and with Jude. We went down the street to a small park and watched him crawl around. I took as many pictures and video as possible. I even got to walk with him a few times (yes, he’s almost walking!) Before we left we took some official looking photos, which I love doing. They put him back in his stroller and I told him to be a good boy and that I love him. We walked together for a bit, then we parted ways. Victor and I went to Pizza My Heart afterwards and talked about the wonderful visit we had.

When I got home I uploaded my photos to facebook and just on my computer in general. I was looking them over with my mom, and she asked all the typical questions. “What’s he like?” “How are Katie and Greg?” “What does he like?” and then, she asked the question I get asked the most and I think people wonder about the most.

“Does it make you sad? To see him and then to see him leave all over again?”

My mom told me when I was little, that it took me more than a month to smile. When I was older I asked her why, she said “Well, honey I think you knew that you weren’t born into the easiest situation (which I wasn’t, unmarried parents who couldn’t stand each other and lots of other crazy family drama) and I think that you were just waiting to see if it was OK to be here.” Since then I figured that babies have some kind of intuition about life and their surroundings.

The day we left the hospital, we were taking some final pictures and Jude starts to smile. We were able to get one blurry picture of it, but its there. That was always my sign that Jude knew he was going to be OK and he was letting me know that everything is going to be fine. Every time I see him, he’s still smiling. He’s still letting me know that everything is alright. He’s happy, healthy, and his parents are making sure he stays that way.

So, the answer to the previous question is No. I am never sad to see him. I’m never sad when I have to leave him, because I always know that I will see him again. His smiles let me know that he’s happy and that I don’t need to worry about him. As long as he keeps smiling, I will always know that he is where he belongs and that he’s happy, healthy, and safe. 

In two months I have another visit, his birthday visit, and I can’t wait until I see his smile again. The smile that says “Hi Birth Mommy! Don’t worry, I’m Happy”

:)

Can't We All Just Get Along?

One would think that in adoption precess there are only a few people involved. How wrong they are. Ideally, it would just be you, the babies father (possibly), and the adoptive parents. Nope. Far from it. Every decision I made effected the baby, Victor, Katie and Greg, My parents, Victor’s parents, Katie’s and Greg’s Parents, the rest of my family, the rest of Victor’s family, the rest of Katie’s and Greg’s family, my friends, Victor’s friends, Katie’s and Greg’s friends, the doctor, the lawyer, and the list goes on and on.

The truth is, no matter how much you would like to think its no one’s business, everyone thinks it is there business. Nothing can be done about it, its human nature to be in everyones lives. It’s why Tumblr, Myspace, and Facebook do so well.

The real problem is with that many people involved, there are going to be different opinions and points of views shared. Which can result in arguments and angry exchanges. Trust me, its damn near impossible to keep everyone happy. 

Victor and I had to deal with a lot of peoples bull during the pregnancy. My dad kicked me out of “his” family while I was pregnant. My mom and sister couldn’t possibly understand how I could kept the baby through pregnancy. Victor’s parents wanted us to keep the baby and his mother practically begged me to do so. I agruement with one of my friends over my idea of the kind of parents I should look into for Jude; she valued money over love and I was the opposite. This continued on and on until the day Jude was born.

Oh, it doesn’t after the adoption ends either. There’s always something on one side or the other. My mom worries about me all the time because I’m sad about something having to do with the adoption. Sadly because of this, she has a bit of a negative out look on the adoption. My dad has always had a negative out look on the adoption. He refers to Jude as “Fresno”, a town near where Katie, Greg, and Jude live. He’ll say, “So…..How’s Fresno?” Yeah, I know. I’ve even gotten into a tiff or two with Katie via email because of things we say or want. 

The Solution: Do what you feel is right. Its the same thing that we have been doing for our selves and our babies from day one. We know what is the right thing to do for ourselves has been since day one, why should it change now. There will always be people in your life thinking they know better than you, and on occation they might. But in general, you are in control of your life and happiness. You can’t make everyone happy, but you can inform them that your incontrol of this situtation, not them. 

My mom only knows one side of the story, and I try to remind her of that fact. My dad is just a douche and one day I’ll tell him that. And while Katie and I have our differences, we want the same end goal; to do the best thing for Jude. 

Thats all I have ever wanted for Jude. I’m pretty sure thats what any mother wants for her children. I know that all of his birth family wants that for Jude as well, and when he is ready they are all waiting for him with big smiles and open arms. 

The Playlist: Father and Daughter by Paul Simon

With Fathers Day coming up I thought this was the perfect song. I first heard this song in The Wild Thornberry's Movie. I honestly just liked the tune and listen to it every once in a while. Now I know I have a son and that I'm not a father, but the lyrics he sings run true for any parent. But since it is directed more towards Fathers, I'm using it for Fathers Day. I'm thankful for Greg, Jude's adoptive dad, for being the most amazing father to my son. I couldn't have imagined any one better to be a father to Jude. I'm thankful for my dad, stepdad, grandpa, uncles, and older brothers for being in my life. I'm thankful for Victor for making a choice as a father to do what is right for his son, even though it was very hard.

I hope you all have a wonderful Father's Day.


"Father And Daughter" By Paul Simon

If you leap awake in the mirror of a bad dream
And for a fraction of a second you can't remember where you are
Just open your window and follow your memory upstream
To the meadow in the mountain where we counted every falling star

I believe a light that shines on you will shine on you forever
And though I can't guarantee there's nothing scary hiding under your bed
I'm gonna stand guard like a postcard of a Golden Retriever
And never leave 'til I leave you with a sweet dream in your head

[Chorus:]
I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you

Trust your intuition
It's just like goin' fishin'
You cast your line and hope you get a bite
But you don't need to waste your time
Worryin' about the market place
Try to help the human race
Struggling to survive its harshest night

[Chorus 2x]

Mother's Day and Birth Mother's Day

Before any of you think that I am making things up, I'm not! Birth Mothers Day is a real holiday, obviously not as well known as Mother's Day, but still a holiday. It was created in 1990 by a group of birth moms for Seattle. It is on the saturday before mother's day (so this year its on the 7th and mothers day is on the 8th). The purpose of this holiday was to educated those who don't know about adoption or at least the birth mothers point of view on adoption, to acknowledge birth mothers and the choices they made, and to "celebrate" the fact that they did the right thing. (I put celebrate in quotation marks because I don't feel like its the best word to use, but I can't think of another.) There is some controversy over this holiday. Some birth moms didn't choose adoption for the right reasons and others feel like its not fair to acknowledge them. Some adoptees want nothing to do with their birth parents, and don't feel like birth moms should be acknowledged. Personally, I think its what ever the individual thinks about it. If on person doesn't like it and the other does, whatever its their opinion. For those who do celebrate and acknowledge it they can do lots of things to celebrate. Some adoption agencies will have parties or luncheon for the birth mothers they have and some birth mom groups will go and do their own thing. There are special cards you can send to birth moms and adoptive moms online and probably neat adoption gifts if you want to go that route. Me? I'm going to be in Yosemite for both Birth Mother's Day and some of Mother's Day, and I think thats where I need to be for both those holidays.

Mother's Day has never been a big deal to me. If anything I would hate Mother's Day because it meant one thing: Cleaning. Every year for the last 5 years or so, my mom has asked Sara and me to help her with this huge cleaning project. The last 2 years its been the garage. Here's the thing with the garage, its not a huge garage, its average size and its full of average things. Suit cases, bikes, outside toys, sleeping bags, etc. The problem is the amount of stuff we have. When it was just my mom, Sara, and me we had a lot of junk and stuff to begin with. Then my mom married my stepdad, and along with him and his kids coming to live with us, his stuff came too. All of his stuff. So now we have lots of stuff, and as time went on we bought more and more stuff. So now its a garage filled with stuff of things we rarely use. So when we clean it, we have to clean it in parts. Luckily a few weeks ago we had a block wide garage sale, and the worst part of the garage was cleaned out. This year my mom wanted to work on the shelves, but I'm not going to be here so we can't (oh darn!). So I'm going to do something nice for her instead, which I will not say because I know she reads this blog and I don't want to give it away.

Anyway getting off topic, Mother's Day was never a big deal to me. Last year though, it kinda became a big deal. I was around 4 months pregnant and working in a dry cleaners. I worked with a great group of people most of which were my age and also had kids at young ages, some younger than what I was. On sundays only two people would work, usually me and other person. Mother's Day it was me and this guy Augie. He had a 6 month old at home and was about the same age as me. The whole day, when people would come in they would say "Happy Mothers Day" or "Have you told your Mother how much you love her today?" or something else, Augie would tell them that I was pregnant and going to be a mom. So they would tell me happy mothers day and ask other questions. So picture this, I'm four months pregnant. I am fully aware that the small parasite inside my uterus is mine but I refuse to acknowledge that I was his mother because in 5 months, according to the state of California, I won't be his mother. I needed to keep that mind set otherwise I would have fallen in love and never given him up. So hearing "Happy Mothers Day" and having it be said to me was unwanted. But I liked it.

I liked hearing that I was a mom. As time went on I did fall in love with Jude and liked the idea of being his mom. When I took on that mind set, I worked a lot harder to be the be the mom that he deserved while I had him. So I ate better, tried to walk a lot, drank A LOT of water, slept in the positions that were acceptable, wouldn't eat anything that was on the no-no list, and even made him a baby blanket that he hopefully still is using. I was a pretty good pregnant mom, my only faults were soda and lack of sunlight, but Jude came out a week early very happy and very healthy.

So here it is, Mother's day and I'm not a mom anymore. I wont be acknowledged as one and I'm not sure that I want to be. In response to my freak out a couple of weeks ago, I started a project that I've decided to be Katie's Mother's Day present. I'm not telling you what it is, because I know Katie reads this blog, but hopefully I'll have it done in time. I am also doing things for my mom, but thats it.

I don't know how I'm going to react this Mother's Day. I honestly don't want to go into any kind of bad funk. I don't want to cry, listen to his playlist, be constantly thinking of the whole thing in a negative way. So, I'm going to Yosemite National Park to stare at the stars and possibly interact with nature. No internet, unlikely any cell service, and hopefully enough battery power in my ipod to last the weekend. Just me, my friends, and the great out doors. Heres the real kicker, I hate camping. My hope is this weekend will distract me enough to not become sad, or at least for not sad for a long period of time.

So to all you moms out there. You deserve to have an amazing day. Moms do so much and take so much crap from us kids. So go out an tell your mom how much you love her and how much you appreciate her. And don't just stop at your mom, tell your grandma, aunts, older cousins. Because they have probably done some amazing things for you too. I know I have been blessed with many different moms in my life. My mom drives me crazy sometimes, but she has been there for me countless times. My Nana always makes me laugh. Natty has given me great advise and lets me talk about anything, plus she gave me Katie. Katie is a wonderful mother to Jude and she's been taking care of her nephews and nieces before Jude came along. I couldn't have found a more wonderful mother to raise and love my son.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY EVERYONE! <3

Looks

I'm used to getting looks from people.

Telling people that you had a baby is one look. Its a half surprise, half happy. Its the look that says "Wow your so young to have a baby, but good for you!". Then you tell them that you gave your baby up for adoption. Its like telling them your grandmother died, there face falls and they usually say "Oh". Its the face that says "Oh, poor thing couldn't take care of her baby. Its probably for the best, she's so young they wouldn't have had a good life."

I got a bunch of looks when I was pregnant too. Looks that would say "Oh look, there's another teenage girl pregnant." I was just another stereotype to them, nothing more. I was used to it. I honestly didn't really care, I had bigger fish in my life to fry. Not only that but I didn't have to associate with people who didn't like me or my decisions. I told myself in the beginning of this process that I wouldn't take anyone's shit, because it was my life and my decision; not theirs.

However, I never really thought about how other people would get seen because of me. I was never really aware of how it might make my mom, sister, and other family members look. I never thought what Victor would think of himself or what others would think of him because I was pregnant. Sometimes I knew what they were going threw; Others I just now found out about. I couldn't and still can't imagine what they went threw or might still be going threw. I was too worried with my own problems to care about theirs.

To them I say, I'm sorry. I was so consumed with what I was and still am going threw, I didn't want to see anyone else's problems and issues. Please know, for those of you that are still hurting,  I want to fix that and I'm going to try to make that happen. For those of you whose pain has passed, again I say, I'm sorry.