Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I Got A Visit!

Its true! Yesterday I saw Jude for the first time in 6 months exactly! It was some what unexpected because I had only gotten a weeks notice. The amount of joy I experienced though just knowing I was going to see him was indescribable. The down fall? I spent that week being extremely nervous and biting my nails until they bled. That’s OK though, cause I would risk a million ulcers and never having nails again if it meant I could see Jude.
The day came and I was freaking out. I had work in the morning, but I was free in the afternoon. I spent the rest of it worrying about what I should wear, how I should do my hair, and if I should paint my nails. My sister and my friend Hannah helped me figure all that out. (Dress, braids, and no nail polish in case you were wondering). Originally Victor, my mom, and my sister were going to come with me, but in the end Victor was the only person that came with me. 
First we went to Carls Jr. because Victor was hungry. Then we had to go to the apple store and drop off my mom’s computer to be fixed. I swear to god a million years passed by while I was waiting for the lady to take my information down. I practically ran out the apple store and Victor lagged behind. We met them in a coffee shop that was luckily right next to the apple store. They were right in front and Jude was eating food.
My biggest fear out of this meeting: Jude wouldn’t like me. I know people think “How can he not like you! He’s 10 months old he doesn’t know what he likes or doesn’t like.” Around 10 months though babies start to develop stranger anxiety and don’t like to be around people they don’t know. I know its nothing personal, but still. When I walked in, I sat down, said my hellos, smiled at him and he smiled right back. 
From there things became easier. We talked about how Jude is doing, how Katie and Greg are doing, and how Victor and I are doing. I made sure Victor was comfortable with everything and with Jude. We went down the street to a small park and watched him crawl around. I took as many pictures and video as possible. I even got to walk with him a few times (yes, he’s almost walking!) Before we left we took some official looking photos, which I love doing. They put him back in his stroller and I told him to be a good boy and that I love him. We walked together for a bit, then we parted ways. Victor and I went to Pizza My Heart afterwards and talked about the wonderful visit we had.
When I got home I uploaded my photos to facebook and just on my computer in general. I was looking them over with my mom, and she asked all the typical questions. “What’s he like?” “How are Katie and Greg?” “What does he like?” and then, she asked the question I get asked the most and I think people wonder about the most.
“Does it make you sad? To see him and then to see him leave all over again?”
My mom told me when I was little, that it took me more than a month to smile. When I was older I asked her why, she said “Well, honey I think you knew that you weren’t born into the easiest situation (which I wasn’t, unmarried parents who couldn’t stand each other and lots of other crazy family drama) and I think that you were just waiting to see if it was OK to be here.” Since then I figured that babies have some kind of intuition about life and their surroundings.
The day we left the hospital, we were taking some final pictures and Jude starts to smile. We were able to get one blurry picture of it, but its there. That was always my sign that Jude knew he was going to be OK and he was letting me know that everything is going to be fine. Every time I see him, he’s still smiling. He’s still letting me know that everything is alright. He’s happy, healthy, and his parents are making sure he stays that way.
So, the answer to the previous question is No. I am never sad to see him. I’m never sad when I have to leave him, because I always know that I will see him again. His smiles let me know that he’s happy and that I don’t need to worry about him. As long as he keeps smiling, I will always know that he is where he belongs and that he’s happy, healthy, and safe. 
In two months I have another visit, his birthday visit, and I can’t wait until I see his smile again. The smile that says “Hi Birth Mommy! Don’t worry, I’m Happy”

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