Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Depressed Much?

Alright, so I’ve been wondering lately if I’m becoming or still am “clinically depressed”. I only put quotations around those words because I know that I am depressed as in just plain sad sometimes, and that I don’t have a chemical imbalance (that I know of) going on. I also believe in post-pardum depression and was diagnosed with it shortly after I gave birth. Personally, I don’t think I had post-pardum but I did know that I was depressed because of the adoption and “losing” a baby. My mood and mental state were only getting worse by the day, and so I went along with my doctor and started taking Anti-depressants.
I was on them for about 6 months. Then one day I got REALLY REALLY REALLY sick and couldn’t drink water with out it coming back up, let alone a pill. I was sick for like three days and after then I never really took the pills again.
Recently though I’ve been really worried that I’ve had to go back on. I’ve been really weepy. I cry at all the commericials that are horribly sad. Soldiers coming home, Sarah McLaughlin telling me I’m a crappy person because I don’t adopt all the animals in the world, and especially the trailer for Titanic 3D (Damn you Celine Dion!). I realize this also could mean I’m not a heartless person, but depression was the first thing that came to mind.
Well, I went to my therapist last week and I told her what I think. She asked me how I’ve been eating and sleeping, what my mood has been like, and what have I been doing. Everything has been normal. She told me that she doesn’t think that I need to go back on the anti-depressants.
That was such a reilf for me. I don’t want to go back on my pills. I’m just so done being sad over the whole adoption. My life has moved forward and I’m happy with the adoption as it is. The only thing that ever really makes me sad is how much I miss Jude, but thats to be expected and that sadness doesn’t run my life. I don’t want to go back to the horribly depressed state that I was in when I first gave Jude up.
Don’t get me wrong, I needed to be on anti-depressants after I gave Jude up. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I cried all the time, and I just wanted to sleep. Sadly, life goes on no matter what mood your in. I needed to work on school, get a job, and just start trying to put myself back together. My anti-depressants helped me through that. However, it was never my intention to stay on them for a long time. I didn’t want to stay on them for a long time.
I know some people need that and I support them, but I didn’t and don’t have a chemical imbalance. I don’t need to be on them for the rest of my life and honestly, I’m glad I don’t. I’m happy I could work through the last bit of my depression by my self and find my own happiness that way. I know I’m still a long way from being put back together, because my life was shattered in so many different ways, but I do know that I am taking crucial steps to getting there.
I guess its true what they say, It’s always darkest before the dawn…..

Saturday, November 26, 2011

The Playlist: Shake It Out by Florence + The Machine

I thought I would try a video this week for the hell of it. This song goes along with this weeks post. This is for those who have gone through the worse or is going through it and come out the other side a champion! We are strong! We are brave! and yes, we can make through.
Remember, it's always darkest before the dawn....

Sunday, November 13, 2011

November: National Adoption Month! :D

Because its National Adoption Month, I thought I would post about how I talk about my adoption and how I try to inform people about adoption.

I talk about Jude and the adoption a lot in my life. Obviously I blog about him, I talk about him to my friends, Victor and I always talk about him, and I brag about him to my friends and employers. I don’t do just that though, when I can I try to inform others about adoption and if they ask my personal adoption experience.

I’ve had two informative speeches so far at school, I’ve done both of them on adoption/the adoption process. Both times I have I have used my self and Jude as an example of adoption. I got A’s on both of those presentations (yay me!). I love talking to people about adoption. I also would love to help people through the adoption process.

I’ve decided that I want to become an adoption social worker. My dream and what I really would want to do is create (own, direct, run, etc.) my own pregnant teen home place, except bigger. Like a camp area, with out the camping part of it. Does that make sense? Hopefully it does. I want to help other pregnant girls figure out that maybe adoption is the right choice for them and help them go through that process. If they change their minds in the end, that’s OK, I want to help them figure out what they need to do next.

I have this awesome plan inside my head, and for what ever reason the plan for the actual building is a cross between the Winchester Mystery House, The Cinderella Castle from Disneyland, and Hogwarts. I have no idea why, just is, but regaurdless it will be awesome and I will help people.

It would be super cool if I could write a book about my adoption experience, but I don’t think it would be very popular. Unfortunately, not many books on adoption experiences are popular. :/

I’m proud to say I’m a birth mom. I’m pretty sure Katie and Greg are happy to be adoptive parents. Hopefully, Jude will one day feel open enough to say he was adopted to a loving family. Its a triangle we create with love as the connectors.

Happy National Adoption Month Everyone!

To everyone apart of the adoption triangle; BE PROUD AND STAY AWESOME!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011


I always have one person or another asking me "Do you regret  putting your baby up for adoption?".  I have always said "No, I don't. Nor do I think I ever will. I did what's best for my son and that's what matters". I still know that to be fully true. The only possibly way that it could change is if Katie and and Greg become horrible abusive and cruel, but Hell has a better chance of freezing over than that ever happening.

After looking back on a year though and reflecting on the events that passed, there are a few things I did or didn't do that I regret.

The biggest regret I have is not being more pregnant happy. There are only maybe 10 pictures of me pregnant. Like 7-8 of them are of my stomach and two of them are of my face from Lilith Fair (I was around 5 months pregnant when I went, so thats like half counts). I had a 4-d ultrasound but only because I figured it would be nice for Katie and Greg to have some kind of pregnancy interaction. They loved it by the way, and it was kinda cool to go. I did a scrap book after he was born, but never a baby book. Some of those questions in their were just not appropriate for my situation. For instance....

"What was your partners reaction when you told him you were pregnant?"
He swore profusely in every room of his house and started ranting about how he "can't do this"

......... Yeah, that's something I really want to remember.

Looking back on it now, I wish I had done some more pregnant happy stuff. I wish I took month by month picture, done a pregnancy photo shoot, maybe get a tacky papermache stomach thing done. Hell, I even want to do a baby book. The problem with that though is they usually go beyond birth and I can't really put anything there. This is a lesson well learned and the next time I get pregnant I'm doing all sorts of pregnancy happy things.

The second thing I regret is being very hands off when it came to Victors involvement in the pregnancy. I know he tried his best and I'm really grateful that he was even involved at all, but there were some things I think I could have asked more of. The big one is his being there at the hospital. The last day, the "goodbye" day he left to go to school, and I told him he could. I didn't want to force him to be somewhere he didn't want to be, and I didn't think he wanted to be there. Him not being there though, was probably the worst thing he has ever done to me though (and that's including our break-up which was pretty bad). I know I told him to go and because of his autism, he actually took it as "its ok to go". When I was trying to say, "Please stay. I need you". I almost wish secret girl code wasn't secret so guys could know things with out us having to tell them. *sigh* Oh, well. I told (well, yelled) at Victor later about this and he's apologized multiple times, but I don't think I can forgive him on this one.

The last big thing is I wish I had more time alone at the hospital with Jude. Katie and Greg, Family (thiers and mine), and friends were there all the time, and really I didn't have time to breathe. Don't get me wrong, I loved that they were there to support me, the adoption, Katie and Greg, and Jude. I would probably do it that way with the next baby, minus the adoption part obviously. I just........wanted more time. Then again, there is never really enough time for a situation like this, is there?

I choose the options I did though for these three things, knowing that I would maybe regret these decisions later. Why? There is one big flaw with these regrets. All of these things I regret are all things that fall on a very thin line. The line between giving the baby up for adoption and becoming attached and keeping the baby. All of these regrets and decisions on how to deal with the pregnancy and the baby teeter on that line.

Maybe If I had spent more time with Jude in the hospital, I would have gotten attached and not given him up. Maybe the more pregnant happy I got, the more baby happy I would become, and that would lead to choosing to keep the baby. If Victor was more involved I would get a warped sense of reality and thing that we could actually function as a family. These may all be "What If's" but the are HUGE "what if's". These "What If's" would have changed my life, Jude's life, Katie and Greg's, Victors, and so many other peoples lives! I loved that baby I grew in my stomach, I loved the little baby I held in my arms moments after he was born, and I love the little toddler he's growing up to be. He was my world and still is and I knew he deserved so much better than me.

I quiet honestly can't tell you what would have happened if I went back and re-did all the things I regret. I can tell you though, that while I do have small regrets, it came with the huge reward of knowing my son is so much better off.