Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Alright, so I’ve been wondering lately if I’m becoming or still am “clinically depressed”. I only put quotations around those words because I know that I am depressed as in just plain sad sometimes, and that I don’t have a chemical imbalance (that I know of) going on. I also believe in post-pardum depression and was diagnosed with it shortly after I gave birth. Personally, I don’t think I had post-pardum but I did know that I was depressed because of the adoption and “losing” a baby. My mood and mental state were only getting worse by the day, and so I went along with my doctor and started taking Anti-depressants.
I was on them for about 6 months. Then one day I got REALLY REALLY REALLY sick and couldn’t drink water with out it coming back up, let alone a pill. I was sick for like three days and after then I never really took the pills again.
Recently though I’ve been really worried that I’ve had to go back on. I’ve been really weepy. I cry at all the commericials that are horribly sad. Soldiers coming home, Sarah McLaughlin telling me I’m a crappy person because I don’t adopt all the animals in the world, and especially the trailer for Titanic 3D (Damn you Celine Dion!). I realize this also could mean I’m not a heartless person, but depression was the first thing that came to mind.
Well, I went to my therapist last week and I told her what I think. She asked me how I’ve been eating and sleeping, what my mood has been like, and what have I been doing. Everything has been normal. She told me that she doesn’t think that I need to go back on the anti-depressants.
That was such a reilf for me. I don’t want to go back on my pills. I’m just so done being sad over the whole adoption. My life has moved forward and I’m happy with the adoption as it is. The only thing that ever really makes me sad is how much I miss Jude, but thats to be expected and that sadness doesn’t run my life. I don’t want to go back to the horribly depressed state that I was in when I first gave Jude up.
Don’t get me wrong, I needed to be on anti-depressants after I gave Jude up. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I cried all the time, and I just wanted to sleep. Sadly, life goes on no matter what mood your in. I needed to work on school, get a job, and just start trying to put myself back together. My anti-depressants helped me through that. However, it was never my intention to stay on them for a long time. I didn’t want to stay on them for a long time.
I know some people need that and I support them, but I didn’t and don’t have a chemical imbalance. I don’t need to be on them for the rest of my life and honestly, I’m glad I don’t. I’m happy I could work through the last bit of my depression by my self and find my own happiness that way. I know I’m still a long way from being put back together, because my life was shattered in so many different ways, but I do know that I am taking crucial steps to getting there.
I guess its true what they say, It’s always darkest before the dawn…..