Monday, February 21, 2011

Visitations Pt. 2

It's February 20th, 2011. . . I am 20 years old today. I have passed my teen years, and I can officially be considered an adult. It has been a year since I found out I was pregnant with Jude. I spent my birthday by seeing Jude and his parents for breakfast and then driving the 8 hours home.

I spent the last part of Friday and all of Saturday in San Diego. Saturday morning I was set to meet Jude, Katie, and Greg in front of my hotel. I had come alone, because Victor got swamped with homework that last minute and wouldn't be able to go to San Diego and finish all of his homework and projects. So I was solo this whole weekend. Needless to say, I was scared, nervous, and excited all at the same time. When I saw them though, I knew everything was going to be OK.

When I saw Jude, I almost cried. He was so BIG! He looks close to one years old, but he's only 4 months. He smiles all the time, he's healthy, and he didn't cry around me; I couldn't have asked for more. We went everywhere in San Diego; the aquarium, La Jolla, Downtown, Hotel Del Coranado, and Seaport Village. We all got to talk about everything; life, work, school, the adoption, my blog (yep, they read it and love it!), and of course Jude. I even got a chance to meet Greg's parents, and they are very cool and chill people. It was then, that I made a realization.

We went to this hawaiian themed restaurant in Seaport Village. Jude was asleep, to my dismay, and we all were sitting around talking. After dinner Jude woke up crying for some food, Greg got up and fed him. I watched as Greg fed them and listened to Katie and Greg's parents talk about how Jude slept the night before. I was slowly getting jealous, listening to them talk about how he slept with Greg's parents that night and Katie was worried and jealous as well that night, and it was making me annoyed as well. I would love to have one night with him. I knew that Katie and Greg would never go for it, and they have good reasoning to not to, but still I wish I could have him for like three hours while they go see a movie or something. I started to think about why I wanted him for the night, mostly for curiosity and alone time, I took another look around. I saw them all talking together, laughing, admiring Jude while he ate and it hit me. Jude was no longer really mine. I knew that legally he was no longer mine and I was no longer his mother, but there was always this still biological little connection of "This is my child, I gave birth to him, but I don't take care of him". At that moment though, it was all gone.

This is a good and bad thing. It's good because, in a sense it's true. He is no longer mine, and I shouldn't feel like he's mine other wise I might become something else that isn't good. I might get to attached, I might become needy around him, or I might infringe on Katie and Greg's life; all of which I don't want. It's bad though, because the little connection that I did have, is gone. I feel like I'm just looking at my one of my cousin's when I look at him; I love him and love being around him, but nothing else is going on. I don't feel my stomach flutter every time I see him, I don't see me or Victor in him, and holding him doesn't warm my heart like it used to. Is this a bad thing? Does this mean that over time I'm not going to love him anymore? Will I stop caring about if I see him or hear from them anymore? This throughly freaked me out to the point of shaking, which is like the "world is ending" in levels of my emotional state, and I couldn't stop. Katie asked if I was cold and I just told her I was fine. I went to the bathroom shortly after. I took a few deep breaths, looked at my self hard in the mirror, and told my self "I can do this. I can do this."

I told my self through out the night that I did love him. I wouldn't want alone time with him other wise, I wouldn't be thinking about the next time I would get to see him, and that love would never go away even if the connection did. The thought couldn't escape me though. Katie could tell I was off some how, and I felt off. I didn't eat much and was quiet. After breakfast this morning, we went to a near by park, and greg took amazing pictures of Jude and I. Then they took me back to the hotel, and we said our good byes. As weird as this sounds, letting go of or leaving Jude is always very easy for me. Its when I haven't seen him for a while that it becomes very hard for me. I thanked Katie and Greg for everything and how much I appreciated them for everything.

Overall, I was very happy with the trip. I loved seeing Jude again, learning new things about him, and catching up with Katie and Greg. My realization still bothers me though. If my biological connection with Jude can disappear suddenly, can my love? I keep telling my self over and over again "It will never happen! Everything you do, you do for that little boy! To make him proud! You visit him and want pictures because you love him!" But loosing that little connection that I did have has rattled me to the core.

Thursday, February 17, 2011


Visits are hard for some people. Sometimes they might miss the baby so much that its hard to let go all over again. Other times they have expectations of how the session will go, and they will either be let down or pleasantly surprised. Visits are hard for the adoptive parents as well. I can only imagine how they feel about their baby's biological parents coming into their lives every once in a while and disrupting their normal lives.

I have my second visit with Jude, Katie, and Greg in a few days. I haven't seen them since November, and quiet frankly, I'm scared. I'm so scared things are going to go badly, their going to cancel, or Jude doesn't like me. When babies get around 4-6 months old, they start becoming very mommy and daddy attached and don't like any one else holding them. I understand that he doesn't understand and that its not personal, but I don't really know how well I would take it.

I'm scared that we'll all get into a fight or something. Katie and I may be alike in some ways and like each other, but like any average relationship between two people, we do get into fights every once in a while. Now, I'm the kind of person that hates arguments and fights via technology, because you can't really fix things over a text or email. I mean you can say everything is alright, but there's always a physical weirdness between you and the other person when you see each other again. So for me its always better to fight and make-up face to face. Katie and I really only communicate via email or text, because we live so far away from each other. So when we do get into an argument, its hard to know if things are really OK in the end. All you can really do is trust that its OK.

Victor and I are driving to San Diego this Friday and were going to spend the weekend with Katie, Greg, and Jude. This sunday it is also my 20th birthday and my greatest gift ever would be able to see Jude smile and laugh. I miss him so much, but I'm so scared to go. I hear all visitations are like that in the beginning, but over time things become easier and more comfortable. I certainly hope what they say is true; I really do.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


I'm used to getting looks from people.

Telling people that you had a baby is one look. Its a half surprise, half happy. Its the look that says "Wow your so young to have a baby, but good for you!". Then you tell them that you gave your baby up for adoption. Its like telling them your grandmother died, there face falls and they usually say "Oh". Its the face that says "Oh, poor thing couldn't take care of her baby. Its probably for the best, she's so young they wouldn't have had a good life."

I got a bunch of looks when I was pregnant too. Looks that would say "Oh look, there's another teenage girl pregnant." I was just another stereotype to them, nothing more. I was used to it. I honestly didn't really care, I had bigger fish in my life to fry. Not only that but I didn't have to associate with people who didn't like me or my decisions. I told myself in the beginning of this process that I wouldn't take anyone's shit, because it was my life and my decision; not theirs.

However, I never really thought about how other people would get seen because of me. I was never really aware of how it might make my mom, sister, and other family members look. I never thought what Victor would think of himself or what others would think of him because I was pregnant. Sometimes I knew what they were going threw; Others I just now found out about. I couldn't and still can't imagine what they went threw or might still be going threw. I was too worried with my own problems to care about theirs.

To them I say, I'm sorry. I was so consumed with what I was and still am going threw, I didn't want to see anyone else's problems and issues. Please know, for those of you that are still hurting,  I want to fix that and I'm going to try to make that happen. For those of you whose pain has passed, again I say, I'm sorry.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Back Story: Part 4

Part 4: Giving Birth and Letting Go
October 15th, 2010. It was a Friday, it was just like any other Friday. It was hot, the sky was clear, and like any other Friday morning I had a doctor's appointment. I was 39 weeks pregnant and I looked it. The week before the doctor noticed that my stomach was still growing. Traditionally the uterus/stomach stops growing after 36-37 weeks, so they wanted an ultrasound to see how big the baby was.
The ultrasound tech took all sorts of measurements and we got to see his face again. When the doctor came back, she said he was somewhere between 8.5-9.3 pounds. Now for anyone who has even went to a health class and learned where babies come from then you should know, giving birth vaginally HURTS! Big things are not supposed fit through small holes. So the idea of pushing a 8.5 pound baby out did not appeal to me. To that she said "Well, we could schedule a C-section for tonight". Whoa, who said anything about having a baby today?! I looked at my mom, who said "Today is as good a day to have a baby". The doctor assured me that he was defiantly healthy and ready to come out. Not only that but my mom had to have a C-section because her pelvic bones were to narrow. He hadn't dropped yet and it didn't seem like he was going to move. So I said yes and I was scheduled to have a C-section at 6pm.

I called Victor first to let him know what was going on. He sounded a little shock, but he said he would meet us at the hospital. I called Katie next, she sounded so excited. I could see her at work freaking out and calling Greg. She said they would leave as soon as possible and they would meet us at the hospital. I told her she could bring her mom and/or dad if she wanted, but they were going to wait in the waiting room. I only wanted Victor and my mom in the delivery room.

I had to wait out most of the day until my C-section. I packed a bag, called my friends who wanted to know when I was having the baby, my mom took me to get my nails done to pass time, and I had a friend braid french braid my hair. When my mom and me got to the hospital, Victor was already there. We went up and checked in. They got me in a gown, took my blood, monitored my heart and the babies, and gave me an IV. Katie, Greg, and Natty got there a few minutes before I went in. Then a nurse came in and told me it was time to deliver the baby.

I was so scared, but I knew everything was going to be alright. They gave me an epidural, and it was amazing. Then, at 6:23pm, he was born. They took him out of the room to weigh him, clean him off, and do other test. I kept asking how was he and how much he weighed. Victor told me he was fine, and my mom went with the nurse who took Jude out of the room. A few minutes later they brought him back into the room and all of a sudden he was in front of my face. His face was so squished and he smelled like a baby. I was so surprised that he was there. Up until that moment it didn't seem real and then I saw him. Victor was the first to hold him and then my mom. I held him when I went to recovery. He was so heavy. He turned out to be 10 pounds even! Good thing I didn't have to push him out. Recovery only allowed two people at a time, so little by little people came in to see me. Katie and Greg saw him and held him, so did Natty, Sarah, and Malcolm.

A few hours later, Jude and I were moved to our room. I wanted him to stay with me, but I was so tired and having Jude in the room made me nervous. When babies sleep, you can barely hear them breathing. So I would have my mom check every 10 minutes or so to make sure he was breathing. Then my mom convinced me to have him moved to the nursery for the night. My mom stayed with me until 1am, then I told her she could go. Victor spent the next night with me, then Katie spent the night with me, and the last night I was by myself. I spent my days seeing visitors, my friends, family, Victor's family, and Katie's family. Lots of pictures were taken.

The last night I was there, I kept him the whole night. I cried a good portion of it. He never left my side. The next day, me and Victor signed the papers. My mom and Sarah were crying really hard. After the papers were signed, Victor left for school. His mom came by to say goodbye to Jude. We took our last pictures and said our goodbye, then I gave him to his mom and dad.

I wasn't crying in the hospital. I waited until I got home. I got into my bed, my mom helped me, and I looked around. Everything was the same, but it wasn't right. There should have been a crib, changing table, toys, and more importantly a baby; my baby. I broke down. I cried like a kindergardener when she doesn't get her way. I bawled my eyes out, and I continued to do so for the next few days.

I would like to tell you things got easier along the way, but they didn't, at least not all in one day. In California, the law is birth parents have 30 days to change there mind. There were days that I wanted to call the social worker and tell her I wanted him back, but I couldn't. I loved him and wanted him back so badly, but his happiness meant more to me. Not only that, but I couldn't disappoint Katie and Greg and take there son away.

I had my first visit with him a month later. He looked so happy and his parents did too. Greg offered to do a photo shoot of Jude and me, so we did. I bought us color coordinated outfits and we took a bunch of pictures.

I get pictures often and he's growing up happily. It makes me happy to see him and them happy. It lets me know that I made the right choice. Sometimes it is still hard and sometimes I have bad days, but bad days end. Now I'm back at school and I'm trying to find a new normal. I still miss him and I can't wait to see him again, but I know he's alright and happy. :)

Friday, February 11, 2011

Back Story: Part 3

Part 3: Katie and Greg
It turned out I only needed to wait a little longer to meet the perfect parents. I was five months along and still not really showing. I could tell and anyone who saw me naked would be able to tell, but to the general public I still looked normal. I was still working in Monterey because it was good money (for a college student anyway), so every week for 3 or 4 days I would drive to Monterey and back. One day after work I was walking back to my car and I received a phone call from Natty.

Natalie, who we call Natty for short, is a really good family friend. She's an aesthetician and does my mom's, Sarah's, and my eyebrows and sometimes facials. My mom has been going to her for as long as I can remember and I help her out with some charity work during christmas time. She's a really sweet woman, very down to earth, honest, speaks her mind, and talks about her kids, Katie and Scotty, all the time. I know Natty really well and love her, but she's never called me before. So I was confused as to why she was calling me.
"Hello, how may I help you?" (My mom taught us to say that when we answer the phone when we were little and it just always stuck with me)
"Hi honey, it's Natalie."
"Oh, Hi Natty!" . . . insert small talk here. . .
. . . . "Honey, I just want to tell you, your mom told me you were pregnant and that your giving the baby up for adoption"
"Yeeaahh" (trust me, thats really all you can say to a statement like that. Especially considering at that time my mom wasn't telling people, or so I thought.)
"Well, I just wanted to say that I really admire you and that your doing a really selfless thing and the family your going to give the baby to is going to be so happy."
"Thank you"
"I was just wondering, how are you looking for parents? Are you using an agency?"
"Yeah, me and Victor are using an agency, but were also looking outside of the agency as well"
"Well, I was wondering if you would consider my daughter, Katie and her husband. They have been married for about 6 years and they've been trying to get pregnant, but for some reason its just not happening. I told them about you and they were curious if you would consider them to be parents."
"Well, were not saying no to anyone right now. They need to know that I want a really open adoption though."
"Oh yes of course, your mom told me that, and you know that anytime that I had the baby you could come see him and Katie and Greg know that too."

Now me knowing Natty, I knew that she was a good person and very likely a good parent. I had never met Katie before, I've met Scotty, Natty's son, but Katie was 10 years older than me and out of the house by the time I met Natty. Natty wouldn't let me down though, so I told her to text me or email me Katie's email and I would write to them. She was just so appreciative that I just CONSIDERING Katie and Greg as potential parents. We said our goodbyes and hung up. I called my mom right after and had a stern talk about how she has to tell me who she is about me so I don't get random phone calls like that again. Later I told Victor about everything.

A few days later Natty sent me Katie's email. I wrote this long letter to Katie and Greg explaining who Victor and I were, what our situation was, our current adoption plan, what we were looking for in parents, what kind of adoption we wanted, and how to contact us. A few days later I got a reply and they  sounded so nice and so honest. Katie, Greg, Victor and I talked via email for a while. Katie and Greg sent us a bio about them selves and pictures of their life. Victor and I liked what we saw and decided we wanted to meet them. They agreed and we set up a time and a place.

To me this was exciting, because I was really happy with them and because I would interview them. The agency, and most agencies, don't let birth parents interview adoptive parents. You have to pick the parents first and then you get to meet them, which is understandable, but I hated it. You can't have a connection with a person by looking at a picture, its a physical thing. So the fact that I could meet these people, interview them, see if there's a connection, and still say "No, I'm sorry, your not what were looking for" made me happy. It seems cruel, but this was my kid we were dealing with. If I didn't feel anything with these people or I didn't like them, then they weren't getting the baby. I wasn't going to just give him to anyone.

We met at a Starbucks in Los Gatos on a Saturday afternoon a few weeks later. We talked about our lives, our interest, what we were looking for in the adoption and Victor and I talked about our medical history. Medical history is really important in the adoption world. Potential are aloud to be picky when picking children. Some what a certain gender, race, some want only healthy babies, while others are comfortable with taking disabled babies. Not only that but, the baby you would be raising would have a different medical history than you, so it was important to know how they differ from you. We talked for a little over an hour. Victor and I told them we would talk about it and let them know what we think, but I knew that they were perfect. Victor and I went into the Petco next door after they left and talked about it. We both wanted them as our baby's parents. Victor told me we should wait the weekend and sleep on it to make sure. I can't even imagine how awful those few days must have been for them. A few days later, we still wanted them as our parents, so I sent Katie an email saying we would love it if they were our baby's parents.

She was so happy, after she was done crying about it all, she started working on finding a lawyer. We talked a lot and I kept her updated on all baby related stuff. We found a great lawyer and she helped us get all of our legal stuff. We all met together and hashed out the terms of our open adoption and she told me and Victor our rights. Every once in a while Katie would come to San Jose and we would hang out together.

The next few months just kinda went by. I went to doctors appointments (found out the baby was a boy), took online classes, tried to find ways to make money, dealt with drama of all sorts, and was trying to deal with my emotional state one day at a time. Victor and I met with a social worker who told us our rights and had us fill out paper work.

My third trimester was all about the birth. I was so nervous about the whole thing, and when I get nervous about things I either bite my nails or plan; I did both. I made a birth plan, a calling list (in order of who to call first to last), a to-do list of things that need to be done before I went to the hospital, and anything else I could possibly plan. I dragged Victor to an all day Lamaze class and we played along with all the things the teacher told us to do. We laughed most of the way threw, but it was still good we went. It gave us peace of mind. I was huge by my third trimester, I was fat and my stomach was the size of a beach ball. EVERYTHING was in some kind of pain, my ankles swelled up, I couldn't sleep, I had to pee all the time, and I waddled. Needless to say I was REALLY pregnant. I started to notice the baby more by the beginning of my third trimester. Where he liked to kick (the ribs), his sleeping and awake moments, what songs he responded too and what his favorite one was (The Only Exception by Paramore), and his favorite foods. I started developing patterns with food, I had frozen waffles every morning (sometimes twice a day) for my last 4 months, I drank a lot of soda, pasta and quesadillas were a steeple, and bananas were eaten often. I would talk to him and sometimes sing to him if a good song was on. This is when it hit me, I loved my son. I don't know how it happened, but it did. I knew it was going to make things even more difficult, but I also knew giving him up was the right thing to do and I couldn't disappoint Katie and Greg.

By the time I was 39 weeks  along it was October, unbearably hot and I was done being pregnant. Emotionally, physically, mentally, I was just done. Victor was going to school again, Sarah was back at school, I was taking online classes, and the world got back into it's out-of-summer patterns. I was going to the doctors office every week now and would talk to Katie and Greg often. Katie, I imagine, was just waiting by the phone everyday. Turns out October 15th, 2010 was her day.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Back Story: Part 2

Part 2: Morning Sickness and Parent Picking
Alright for those who don't have any experience with pregnancy; it sucks ass. Being pregnant is an awful thing, I have no clue why some women want it so bad. Oh, and the women that say "I love being pregnant, its such a wonderful experience" they are either bull shitting you or high as a kite. If I were have to pick between being pregnant and having a period though, I would pick pregnancy all the way. You have a really good excuse for being a bitch to some one when your pregnant, everyone is nicer to you, you can eat almost anything u want and no one judges you for it, and the whole giving life this is actually empowering.

My first trimester I had horrible morning sickness. I personally hate hate HATE vomiting. I know no one enjoys vomiting (except for maybe bulimics), but especially hate it. So my goal during my pregnancy was not to vomit. I would get so nausea that I couldn't eat anything but cucumbers, french fries, and ranch dressing. I would get so nauseous that if i were laying in bed and I had to get up to go to the bathroom, I would have to seriously think about whether it was worth it or not. But not once did I throw up. Yay me! During my first trimester I also was tired all the time. I would take a nap or two during the day and still be able to go to bed at like 9, which in college is early. I had told my teachers what was going on, so they knew that they knew why I wasn't in class that day. I had also told my boss and eventually my co-workers. The only people who didn't know were most of my friends and my family.

I told my family around Easter. I told my sister Easter day and she was the first one to know. I had gone to my family's priest to ask for help. I needed to know how to tell me mom, because I knew she would be the most disappointed. My mom and Sarah know that my views are not traditional, so the fact that I was talking to our priest about something was weird. Sarah and I were driving to one of our easter parties, and she just flat out asked me "Are you pregnant?". I was tired at lying at that point and it was time to start telling my family, so I told her yes.  I told my mom next. I had to get blood test earlier that day and Victor wanted to go with me. He couldn't get a car to come down, so I drove to SJ and back to MB, took the test, and drove back to SJ. I decided to just stay in SJ for a while and I went home. My mom saw my bandages and asked why I had them. I told her they were for a blood test that I needed because I was pregnant. She took it about as well as I thought she would. My mom told my stepdad and eventually a bunch of other family members and friends. I told my dad last. He took it really well at first, but when he told my stepmom his opinion changed. In short, my dad and stepmom decided to try to keep  my pregnancy and adoption a secret from everyone on my dads side of the family, including my younger brother and sister. I didn't see anyone from my dad's side of the family until a month or two after I had Jude. (Funnily enough, everyone except my brother and sister, found out about it anyway. So suck on those lemons dad and Amber!) Victor and I told his parents a few weeks later, and that was a whole other issue.

During this time, I had found an adoption agency that had agencies  all over California. I knew I wanted an open adoption, and not just any open adoption, but the most open adoption imaginable. I wanted pictures, letters/emails, video's and visitations. Victor wanted an open adoption that only included letters/emails and a few pictures, and maybe when the kid was older visitations. I had been talking to two counselors describing Victor and me, deciding what the next steps would be, the legal issues, and what Victor and I were looking for in parents. I had a really good idea of what kind of parents I wanted and Victor only had one major guideline. I knew I wanted a youngish married couple with good paying jobs. I didn't want just any married couple though, I wanted the married couple that are so cute together it makes others sick. I did not want to have my kid deal with a divorce later on in his life. I also wanted to know that they had jobs that would be less likely to be fired from or die from. What Victor and I really wanted and this was a must, they had to be open and non-constricting. We didn't want parents that would force religion, politics, or a certain life style on our baby. We lived those kind of life styles and we didn't want that for our kid. Not only that but the more open and flexible the parents are, the more likely they were going to go alone with a really open adoption. Everything else was subjective, they could have been any race, any sexuality, and have kids already. I knew that when I found the right parents for my baby, I would know; it would hit me like lightning. The agency worked with us and would try to set meetings up that would fit with everyone's schedule and would check in with me every now and again.

While they were picking potential parents within the agency, Victor and I were looking at potential parents outside of the agency. There was this family that I knew that had adopted a girl years ago and I originally asked them if they would consider adopting Jude. They thought about it and I know the mother wanted to, but ultimately they decided they were too old to adopt another baby. Victor's aunt offered to take the baby, but she lives in Germany and that was just too far for me. (Plus I didn't really want Victor's family raising the baby. I don't know Victor's aunt, I bet she is a nice woman, but I was and still am mad at Victor's family for reasons that I'll discuss later) We also told any one who knew that I was pregnant to ask around to see if anyone they knew was wanting to adopt.

While we waited for the agency to pick out parents that met our list of demands. I went to doctors appointments, tried to do well at school (which I was unsuccessful at doing), worked, learned more about pregnancy, and tried to figure my next steps in life. I knew that I wouldn't be able to go back to school next semester because I was due mid-semester and I didn't want to be far away from my family and Victor when I went into labor. So I had to mentally prepare myself for moving back home (Seriously, that was my biggest sacrifice I made threw out the whole pregnancy).

Second Trimester wasn't so bad. Things started to hurt, I had to pee all the time, and I started to get fatter, but I didn't really show until the tail end of the second trimester. In the ultrasound he looked more like a person and continued to be healthy. I was transitioning from Monterey to San Jose mid trimester. I was going to go to a new doctor and take online a community college. I had moved into my parents house and back into my room. Around that time, the agency had put together a list of parents that we thought we would like. Now when you "view" parents, you really just look at a scrapbook the potential parents put together that includes a letter to the birthparents, a bio of some kind, and a bunch of pictures of them, their families, home, etc. So Victor and I went into there San Jose office, and looked at these books. There were around 12-15 of these books. We split the pile up and made a rule, if one parent doesn't like the a family, then that family wasn't going to be a choice. The decision had to be unanimous. We spent close to two hours looking threw these books, some were I liked more than others and some I just didn't like. None of them really hit me as "the ones", so we left parent-less. The agency would go try again looking in their southern california agencies as well.  I had to pee so I went to the bathroom. When I came out of the stall I just looked at myself in the mirror and started crying. I was so disappointed and so upset that I didn't find a family for my baby. I was four - five months along and I was getting anxious. I came of the bathroom in tears, Victor looked so scared for a second. "What's wrong?" he asked. I told him "it was supposed to hit me like lightning or a chorus of angels were supposed to start singing". I cried in his arms for a little bit and while he held me he said that sometimes it doesn't happen that way and if it does happen that way then it just didn't happen today, but it will.

Turns out I only had to wait a few more days.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Back Story: Part 1

I think that I start going into any issues that I am currently having, I should explain my situation, pregnancy, adoption, and so on and so forth. What I'm going to try to do here is just give a very general overview, maybe go into some detail about certain things, but mainly just get threw the important things. I want to do this because I think certain events and situations would make really good discussion topics and I would want to go into more detail and then there would be a tangent in the story. I like tangents, I go of on them all the time, but only certain stories can have tangents in them and this is not one of them. Let's start at the beginning.

Part 1: Shit, Dammit, Fuck!
January 10th, 2010 - The day Victor F., the love of my life and the guy I gave my heart, body, and soul to, told me that he no longer loved me and broke up with me. He didn't know when or how it happened, but he realized the day before that he no longer loved me romantically. The thing about Victor is he's a very straight forward thinker. He sees things in black, white, and sometimes gray. So if he knows/feels something is off about him, he will sit down and think about it. Me on the other hand, I'm more driven by my emotions. In my mind, love just couldn't disappear all of a suddenly. Especially a love thats been around since 7th grade, when we first met. Granted we were on and off often, but up until that moment we were on for 2-3 years. I cried for 4 hours in the street and he stayed with me the whole time; answering the questions I asked/yelled no matter how many times I asked it, trying to physically comfort me with hugs or pats on the back without it having be misconstrued, and just making sure that I was going to be OK.

The great thing about Victor and I is we can honestly just be friends. We each others best friends and we didn't want to loose that. I can't stand it when things are weird between people for a long period of time, so 3 or so days later I went over to his house and we tried to hangout. Luckily it was successful, up until the end. I was about to leave and as I got up to leave one of us, I forget who, touched the other. Like a hand of the others arm, that turned into both hands of the arms, and that turned into a hug. Thats when we gave each other the look.

It's the moment when two people look into each other's eyes and know what's going to happen next. We kissed, kissing lead to, groping and other sexual actions that eventually lead to sex. I knew it didn't mean anything, but we just needed to see. We needed to see that if what we had could come back. It didn't of course and afterwards things were a bit awkward. I went home and the next day I left Cali for Oregon. My grandma had surgery, so me and my mom went up to help her around the house.

Here's how Jude came to be. I have been on the pill for years. I know how the pill works and how the timing works. I've been on it so long that my body was on a schedule. The day that me and Victor had sex was the first day I was off my pills for the week. I had my period like normal and then I decided to stay off my pills. I had been on them for like 4 years straight and had been told that it was bad for your body if you stayed on them too long. I had two reasons why I wasn't worried I would get pregnant. 1) In theory, when u have a period that should mean no egg is present. However this is not true all the time, which I knew. But reason number 2 came in after that. 2) Victor and I had pretty much been having sex as long as we were dating. A good portion of that time we were using protection, but some of the time we weren't. I've had pregnancy scares before and I was quite used to them. In the end though I was never pregnant. Now I believe in luck, but Victor and I were like rabbits. It was getting to a point where we were realizing that we were either INCREDIBLY lucky or that maybe one or both of us had infertility problems. Which, given our age, we were really fine with. So at that moment in time, I just kinda thought that I couldn't get pregnant.

A few weeks later, I was back at CSUMB. I had just started my second semester and was getting used to my classes. I was in between jobs and to make money I would babysit for the families I babysat in SJ. So, I would end up going home a lot. I would talk to Victor often and see him when ever we had the time. Around the second week of February, I realized I have had my period yet. I counted the days to make sure. "OK, well going on and off of the pills screw with your system. I'll take a pregnancy test to make sure" The test came back false/positive, and thats when I knew. I told Victor and my roommates so they knew what was going on and I made an appointment with the school health center. When they did their test, they told me I wasn't pregnant but to come back in a week if I haven't had my period yet. I had a really good feeling I was pregnant. I felt different some how, but if the doctors said no then it must be no. So I continued with my life like normal. Went to school, got a new job at a Dry Cleaners in Sand City, and hung out with my friends. A week went by and nothing. I was home that weekend and my parents and Sarah were gone for most of the day. So I took this opportunity to take another pregnancy test. Now most people seem to think the most evil sign in the world is 666, an upside down cross, or a swatzica but their wrong; Its two bright pink lines. I had never seen that other line before, at first I was confused, but then it set in.

The first thing I did was throw away the test in its own bag and threw that bag away in my trash. I called Victor and asked him if I could come over. His parents and brothers were on vacation, so he was alone in the house. The last thing I did before I left the house was take a good long look in the mirror. I was extremely pale, and thats saying something considering I'm as white as a ghost to begin with. I seemed smaller some how and I could hear my heart beating loudly. This couldn't be happening; It had to be a nightmare and any minute I would wake up in my own bed. . . . . dammit. I couldn't be a mom! Moms are women who are normally married, have good paying jobs, and know what their doing. I had none of those things.

I walked into Victor's house, took my shoes off, and walked down the hallway to his room. He was on his computer in his room. I told him what happened, I was hysterical and talking way to fast, but he heard what I was saying. This is all he said "Fuck!", over and over again, for the next hour, in almost every room in the house. (Granted, I was fully aware that our current situation sucked and wasn't ideal, but would it have killed him to not act like the end of the world to have a kid with me?!) We talked a lot and for a long time. To make a long story short (because there was a lot involved in making this decision), Victor wanted to be involved with the pregnancy and baby. I agreed to look at all options with an open mind and so did he. It was our job to research our three options: abortion, adoption, and keeping the baby. I went back to the health center a few days later and they confirmed it; I was 18 and five weeks pregnant.

Victor and I talked almost everyday about our situation. About what we needed to do, at what times we would need to do those things, who we tell at this moment in time, and a bunch of other stuff. It was hard on both of us. He worries about me a lot before I was pregnant, while I was pregnant he acted like I was a fragile porcelain vase. Not only that but he had school, his parents pretty much treat him like there own personal butler, and he tutored kids as a job. Plus he couldn't easily get to me, I was living in Monterey Bay and he was in San Jose. I had to worry about my health, my actions, school, how I would deal with my family and friends, work, and the impending doom of knowing that soon I would get fat.

By the end of February we knew what we were going to do. Through a long thought process and a lot of research and yelling, we "decided" on adoption (another story for another time). So there we were; 19, pregnant, and going to put our baby up for adoption.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The Characters

Totally realized that if people are going to read this, they should probably know who everyone is. So here's a list of all of the major roles in my life. (Remember though that the names I am giving are not their real names, as so stated in my first post.)

  • Jude - My son, he was born in October 2010 and happily lives with his parents in So. Cal. He is my pride and joy and I love him to death.
  • Katie - Jude's (adoptive) Mom; she's a lot like me, funny, nice, and honest. She is always really happy and chipper. I will always refer to her as Jude's mom, because that is what she is.
  • Greg - Jude's (adoptive) Dad; super funny and mega chill kind-of guy. He's a photographer so I get awesome pictures of Jude. I will always refer to him as Jude's dad, because that is what he is.
  • Victor - My ex, best friend, and Jude's biological father; a really intelligent, nerdy, sarcastically funny/mean guy. Very few people get to know him, but when you do he can surprise you. Victor has Aspergers, its a mild form of autism. It's not severe, but it does make certain social situations hard for him to understand.
  • Sarah - My sister; two words- Social Butterfly. She knows everybody and everybody knows her. In high school, I was called "Sarah's older sister" it was never the other way around. She was the first family member that I told I was pregnant. As you will learn later, this whole experience was not easy for her, and I am so grateful for her.
  • Beth - My mom; I will never call my mom by her name, I will always refer to her as mom. My biggest support system next to Victor. I am so grateful for everything she has done for me over the last year.
  • Malcolm - My stepdad; A very intense guy. A man's man, loves to yell. At sport games, at the TV, and at us. Generally though, he's a decent, upstanding guy.
  • Andrew - My dad, I will always refer to him as my dad or daddy (I'm not a daddy's girl, I just like calling him that). He's laid back and some what of a push over, but he tries to do the best he can.
  • Amber - My stepmom; a very opinion woman. She likes things done her way or its the high way. She's also from japan, so there is a bit of a culture difference, but she's an amazing cook and always makes sure everything is fair.
  • Brenna and Danny - My half brother and sister, Brenna is 12 and going threw her awkward phase and Danny is 9 and the devil. I love them both to death and don't see them very often. By the choice of my dad and Amber, they don't know that I was pregnant and had a baby. However, the rest of my dad's side of the family knows including my younger cousins. I personally think that its stupid my dad and Amber try to keep it secret from as many people as they can, but whatever.
Any one else that is mentioned in my post I'll just tell you in the post.

Intro and Reasoning

There are reasons people do the things they do. Even a reason as simple as "For the hell of it" is a reason, maybe a stupid one in some cases, but still a reason. I'm not much of a writer or a talker. My grammar is horrible (a second grader can write a properly structured sentence better than me), spelling is a lost concept with the invention of spell check, and I love using slang. Despite all these things that makes writing a blog a bad idea, I still am choosing to do so. Why? Because I need to.

It's been almost a year ago to the day that my life changed drastically. February 2010, within the last month I had finished my first semester at CSUMB (California State University, Monterey Bay) and was starting my second semester, broken up with my first and only boyfriend that I've had since 7th grade, and had lost my first real job. Oh yeah, my life was just great. The thing you need to know about my life, its loves irony and coincidence. When you think it can't just get any worse than this, my life says "oh yes it can" and it does. So for any of you who have watched those after school specials teachers love showing, soaps, or Oprah, can you guess what life decided to throw me next? (If you need a hint, check the title) Yep, mid february I found out that I was five weeks pregnant. . . . SHIT.

My story in a nut shell is I adopted my baby out to a wonderful family who loves him and pretty much kisses the ground he lays on. But see here comes the flaw in our society when it comes to adoption stories; and the adoptive parents and the baby lived happily ever after. ---- oK, thats wonderful and great for them, but what about the birth parents? What happened to them after the baby was born? How did they feel during the whole process? What's worse is the stereotypes made about birth moms and even teenage/young mothers who keep there babies. So I'm just going to clear things up before assumptions are made about me. I AM NOT A DRUG ATTICT, I'M NOT A WHORE, I WAS NOT DRUNK WHEN I GOT PREGNANT, NO I'M NOT STUPID, AND YES I KNOW WHO THE "BABY DADDY" IS. Those statements might apply to some situations, but society seems to think that one or more of those statements apply to ALL teenage girls who got pregnant.

The worst one, and I have bitch fits over people who say or think this, is that people seem to think that women who give their babies up for adoption either don't care about their babies, or don't love them, or both. For adoptees (people who were adopted) who might be reading this, if you have found your birth parents and for whatever reason they don't want to see you, know you, or whatever. I'm am so sorry. We're all not like that and it sounds like your better off without them anyway (thats just my opinion). Giving up my son was the hardest thing I'VE EVER HAD TO DO. I love him and care about him more than any one else in the world. He is on my mind everyday and I look at his pictures constantly. I miss him so much sometimes it physically hurts me, my stomach will start having pains or my body will start shaking like I'm cold, its never anything serious but it still hurts. I did not take my decision lightly and I didn't make it easily. I made it because it was the right thing to do for him, his father, and me.

Now society is not all bad. I got a lot of support from family, friends, acquaintances, and outside resources. There are a lot of agencies willing to work with girls considering adoption and even if you decide not to go threw with it some will help with what you would need to keep the baby. California laws make sure that birth parents have as many rights as possible and that this decision was made with the most amount of thought possible. In the long run though, the bad is noticed more than the good.

Now I'm not saying that adoptive parents have it easy either. The government makes adoptive families jump threw flaming hoops and swim across shark infested waters before they are even considered to become parents. Some agencies have potential parents pay threw the nose for there services and thats not including all the things they might need to pay for later (lawyer fee's, therapy for the birth parents, "gifts" in the form of cash for the adoptive parents, etc.). Not only that but its an emotional roller coasters of ifs and maybes. Nothing is final until the government says so. Just because the adoptive parents take the baby home with them, does not mean the adoption is final. Adopting a baby is a long (very long in some cases), stressful, and emotional process.

I have a few reasons why I'm writing this blog. One of them is to explain this side of the adoption process. The world is very pro-adoptive parents, which is not a bad thing, but it just a big disadvantage for birth parents and even adoptees. Think about this for a second, I live in San Jose, CA. Its a pretty big, well-known city and a good portion of Silicon Valley. I think a little less than one million people live here. Guess how many publicly known support groups for birth parents; none. I've asked the agency I first went threw, my lawyer, my OBGYN, and my therapist. Most of these people specialize in adoption some how and not one of them know where one is in San Jose. If there is one, its the best kept secret in the USA. I live in the 3rd biggest city in California and apparently I'm the only one out a million people to give my baby up for adoption. . . How messed up is that?! The closes one near me is in Salinas and they meet once every two months. I go to a book store to look for books on adoption from the birth parents point of view. First of all the section on adoption consist of maybe 3 books total, and there all for adoptive parents. Granted online I had more luck online, but what if the need for information was more immediate. Hypothetical situation, girl finds out she's pregnant. She's scared, in tears, and her brain is running at 100 mph. All of a sudden she decides she needs to learn about every option she has: abortion, pregnancy, adoption, keeping the baby, etc. The closest thing to her is a book store, she goes in and starts pulling book after book off the shelves. She gets to the adoption section and there is no book that can help her.

This brings me to reason number two. When your pregnant at 19, or younger, or even if your just not ready to have a baby and your considering adoption; No matter how much support you receive and no matter how many other people you may know that have been in the same situation, You Still Feel All Alone. No one could possibly fathom what your feeling, experiencing, and going threw. Its one of the worse feelings in the world. The awful truth is that no one can fix that feeling. No amount of support, love, or help will ever fix that feeling, but they help. I'm writing this for the young girl peeing on the stick of doom, scared out of her mind. I'm writing this for the young girl who feels the baby she's carrying kick knowing that in a few months he will no longer legally be hers. I'm writing this for the girl with the fresh c-section scar on her abdomen crying for her baby thats no longer hers. I'm here. I know your pain. I'm still living threw it everyday. I want them to know that their alone.

The third and last important reason is more of a selfish reason. I really just need to do this for my self. I have so many things that need to be said. So many thoughts, feelings, and complaints. Writing this blog is helping me express everything in an environment that I ultimately control.

Now, with that all said, let me make a few things clear.
1). I will try to be as honest as I can possibly be. I like being brutally honest, saying what is on my mind, and saying what needs to be said. If I want to have this blog help potential girls, and maybe even some birth fathers, in the same situation I need them to trust me. To trust me they need to know that my words are the truth. There is a catch however.
2). I am changing the names of all the people I talk about here. My son, my ex, my friends, my son's parents, and my family all of there names WILL be changed. Its simply because I don't want them feeling uncomfortable and having it create drama. The weird thing about people is they love talking about other people but they hate being talked about. Not only that, but its more about respecting their boundaries.
3). This is meant to be a supportive and realistic blog. Some of the things I talk about will be very upsetting, but they are part of my reality. I will also try to keep what I say about certain topics civil, but just to be warned, when I'm pissed I say awful, awful things. You as the reader however are not allowed to have that option. If you comment on any of my post, be civil. If u cuss out or say anything mean about the people in interact with, I'm going to have a serious problem with you. You are allowed to have an opinion about me or these people, but if you must say anything, please state it as nicely as possible. Remember this is meant to be a SUPPORTIVE and realistic blog, supportive being first.
4). If you have any questions, ask them. I love talking about my experience and informing people on certain aspects of my experience.

Alright, does everybody know the guidelines now? Yes? Good, then lets get the ball rolling

My name is S.C.L. I'm 19 going on 20 and I'm birth mom to the most beautiful 4 month old boy. This is my story.