Monday, May 23, 2011

Katie's Mothers Day Gift

I painted a picture of Jude for Katie as her Mothers Day present. She loved it :)

The Playlist: Fireflies by Owl City

This song made me feel better when I was nauseous and tired in my first trimester, which was all the time. Every time this song came on all of my symptoms would disappear and when the song ended they all came back. I swear it was because Jude liked the song. So for a short time I called him my fire fly. 


You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave tear drops everywhere
You'd think me rude but I would just stand and

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns, slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems

Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
A sock hop beneath my bed
The disco ball is just hanging by a thread
(Thread, thread...)

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns, slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems
(When I fall asleep)

Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep?
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell
(Said farewell)
But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar
(Jar, jar, jar...)

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns, slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems
(When I fall asleep)

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns, slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams 

Friday, May 20, 2011


I have lots of memories of being pregnant and being at the hospital with Jude. My hope is to never loose those memories. I miss Jude constantly, but there are very little things that make me remember something. Its understandable, I mean he's only 7 months old. In theory I have a whole lifetime to create memories with him. I also I didn't have the luxury of having my pregnancy be a happy thing. It's something that you don't get to have when your 19 and unmarried. Any pregnancy then is considered "unwanted" and should be looked upon negatively. If I ever wanted to do anything for the baby I would get cold stares and a harsh "why?". The thing I think I wanted to do the most was fill out a baby book, but the questions weren't appropriate for my situation.

What was your reaction when you found out you were pregnant? - Oh fuck -_-

What was your partners reaction? - He swore in every room of his house

This would not be good for anyone to read, especially a child. I also wish I took more pictures of my self. I think I have less than 10 pictures of my self when I was pregnant. I did, however, get an awesome henna tattoo on my stomach a week or so before I gave birth. Over all though, I didn't really get a chance to create memorable moments.

Any memories that I do have are of everyday events. The nights i spent awake while Jude kicked away, the first time I met Katie and Greg, and small other events. These things are always in my thoughts, but there not really nostalgic. There are only a few moments that are really the kind of memory that makes me smile. The kind of sweet moments that TV shows have sappy music too.

The first is when I was a few months in. I was living in Monterey at the time and my first trimester symptoms were awful! I was nauseous and tired all the time. As much as I wanted to I couldn't stay in bed all the time. So i would go to work and school and sometimes other activities tired and nauseous. There was one time, I was driving and this song came on that was very popular at the time. As soon as that song came on, all of my symptoms just went away. As soon as the song ended, they would all come back. This continued to happen every time that song came on. That song was called "Fireflies" by Owl City. So me and my roommates started calling the baby Firefly. After a while, as the adoption progressed and my life forgot a bit busier I had forgotten all about it. It wasn't until recently that I was reminded. I had lunch with Natty a few weeks ago and she told me that "Jude lights up the room when he smiles". It made me smile. I went back home and listened to Owl City after that.

My next was also inspired by a song. A few days ago I was driving (again, I do that a lot). There was nothing good on the radio so I had it turned down to almost silent. I absolutely hate sitting in a quiet car though, so I started to sing the first song that came to mind. "When I was younger I saw my daddy . . . " I hadn't heard that song in months. "The Only Exception" by Paramore. Another popular song while I was pregnant. I always though of it as a song about Victor and me, even after we broke up I still loved it. When ever it came on the radio I would turn it up and I would sing it to myself sometimes. When Jude started to kick and move around, he would always kick and move during the song. When ever it came on he would just kick away, in the store, in the car, everywhere. One day I was taking a bath and it was really quiet, so I decided to just sing in the bath tub. I went through a couple of different songs and Jude wasn't doing much. Then I started to sing "The Only Exception". Jude kicked and rolled around in my stomach so much. The water rippled around my stomach. I just smiled and kept on singing. That song became the song about my two favorite boys: Victor and Jude.

The last memory if a very different kind of memory with a different kind of meaning to be told at a different time. My hope is to keep making memorable moments with Jude. Even though I have so few memories that make me feel something powerful they make me forget the pain I feel when I miss him. One day maybe I'll have enough memories that I will never feel pain again. I will always miss him, it just wont hurt anymore. I look forward to the day this happens and the new memories I will make.

Birth Moms, I know that some of you just want to forget. You want to forget the hardships, the judgements of others, and most of all the face of the baby you never got to keep. Sometimes you feel like you need to forget because of the time period, for those of you who had their kids 20-30-40 years ago, and other times it's because emotionally it just too much. But I beg you, please don't forget. Never forget this experience or your baby. When you try to forget the experience you had your giving up so much more. You need to remember your strength, your courage and bravery, and most of all your love for not only your baby but also yourself. All of which you gained during this experience. All those things got you through this experience and have made you the amazing woman you are today. Don't you ever forget that.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

A Quote

"And all at once the crowd begins to sing, Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same."

Happy Birthmothers Day Everyone

If you know a birth mom tell her how amazing she is and tell her she did the right thing.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Mother's Day and Birth Mother's Day

Before any of you think that I am making things up, I'm not! Birth Mothers Day is a real holiday, obviously not as well known as Mother's Day, but still a holiday. It was created in 1990 by a group of birth moms for Seattle. It is on the saturday before mother's day (so this year its on the 7th and mothers day is on the 8th). The purpose of this holiday was to educated those who don't know about adoption or at least the birth mothers point of view on adoption, to acknowledge birth mothers and the choices they made, and to "celebrate" the fact that they did the right thing. (I put celebrate in quotation marks because I don't feel like its the best word to use, but I can't think of another.) There is some controversy over this holiday. Some birth moms didn't choose adoption for the right reasons and others feel like its not fair to acknowledge them. Some adoptees want nothing to do with their birth parents, and don't feel like birth moms should be acknowledged. Personally, I think its what ever the individual thinks about it. If on person doesn't like it and the other does, whatever its their opinion. For those who do celebrate and acknowledge it they can do lots of things to celebrate. Some adoption agencies will have parties or luncheon for the birth mothers they have and some birth mom groups will go and do their own thing. There are special cards you can send to birth moms and adoptive moms online and probably neat adoption gifts if you want to go that route. Me? I'm going to be in Yosemite for both Birth Mother's Day and some of Mother's Day, and I think thats where I need to be for both those holidays.

Mother's Day has never been a big deal to me. If anything I would hate Mother's Day because it meant one thing: Cleaning. Every year for the last 5 years or so, my mom has asked Sara and me to help her with this huge cleaning project. The last 2 years its been the garage. Here's the thing with the garage, its not a huge garage, its average size and its full of average things. Suit cases, bikes, outside toys, sleeping bags, etc. The problem is the amount of stuff we have. When it was just my mom, Sara, and me we had a lot of junk and stuff to begin with. Then my mom married my stepdad, and along with him and his kids coming to live with us, his stuff came too. All of his stuff. So now we have lots of stuff, and as time went on we bought more and more stuff. So now its a garage filled with stuff of things we rarely use. So when we clean it, we have to clean it in parts. Luckily a few weeks ago we had a block wide garage sale, and the worst part of the garage was cleaned out. This year my mom wanted to work on the shelves, but I'm not going to be here so we can't (oh darn!). So I'm going to do something nice for her instead, which I will not say because I know she reads this blog and I don't want to give it away.

Anyway getting off topic, Mother's Day was never a big deal to me. Last year though, it kinda became a big deal. I was around 4 months pregnant and working in a dry cleaners. I worked with a great group of people most of which were my age and also had kids at young ages, some younger than what I was. On sundays only two people would work, usually me and other person. Mother's Day it was me and this guy Augie. He had a 6 month old at home and was about the same age as me. The whole day, when people would come in they would say "Happy Mothers Day" or "Have you told your Mother how much you love her today?" or something else, Augie would tell them that I was pregnant and going to be a mom. So they would tell me happy mothers day and ask other questions. So picture this, I'm four months pregnant. I am fully aware that the small parasite inside my uterus is mine but I refuse to acknowledge that I was his mother because in 5 months, according to the state of California, I won't be his mother. I needed to keep that mind set otherwise I would have fallen in love and never given him up. So hearing "Happy Mothers Day" and having it be said to me was unwanted. But I liked it.

I liked hearing that I was a mom. As time went on I did fall in love with Jude and liked the idea of being his mom. When I took on that mind set, I worked a lot harder to be the be the mom that he deserved while I had him. So I ate better, tried to walk a lot, drank A LOT of water, slept in the positions that were acceptable, wouldn't eat anything that was on the no-no list, and even made him a baby blanket that he hopefully still is using. I was a pretty good pregnant mom, my only faults were soda and lack of sunlight, but Jude came out a week early very happy and very healthy.

So here it is, Mother's day and I'm not a mom anymore. I wont be acknowledged as one and I'm not sure that I want to be. In response to my freak out a couple of weeks ago, I started a project that I've decided to be Katie's Mother's Day present. I'm not telling you what it is, because I know Katie reads this blog, but hopefully I'll have it done in time. I am also doing things for my mom, but thats it.

I don't know how I'm going to react this Mother's Day. I honestly don't want to go into any kind of bad funk. I don't want to cry, listen to his playlist, be constantly thinking of the whole thing in a negative way. So, I'm going to Yosemite National Park to stare at the stars and possibly interact with nature. No internet, unlikely any cell service, and hopefully enough battery power in my ipod to last the weekend. Just me, my friends, and the great out doors. Heres the real kicker, I hate camping. My hope is this weekend will distract me enough to not become sad, or at least for not sad for a long period of time.

So to all you moms out there. You deserve to have an amazing day. Moms do so much and take so much crap from us kids. So go out an tell your mom how much you love her and how much you appreciate her. And don't just stop at your mom, tell your grandma, aunts, older cousins. Because they have probably done some amazing things for you too. I know I have been blessed with many different moms in my life. My mom drives me crazy sometimes, but she has been there for me countless times. My Nana always makes me laugh. Natty has given me great advise and lets me talk about anything, plus she gave me Katie. Katie is a wonderful mother to Jude and she's been taking care of her nephews and nieces before Jude came along. I couldn't have found a more wonderful mother to raise and love my son.