Friday, July 22, 2011

Why Oh Why Do I?

I'm sit here watching Julie and Julia, with Amy Adams and Meryl Streep on my first real day off in a long time. There's no one here but me, my dogs, my cats, and my fish. I watch Julie run back and forth trying to cook her way through the cookbook and blog about it. I watch Julia cook her way into fame. As I watch this movie, I can't help to think, why do they do it?

Why does Julie continue on with this blog even though it put her through many problems? Why does Julia cook and write her cook book when her life gets turned upside down every 2 years or so? Why do we do it bloggers with a purpose? Why do we write about our problems, thoughts, feelings, fears, and advice down for others to hear?

I used to think that I was writing this blog in order to help other birth moms and to show the other side of adoption. I didn't want other birth moms feeling alone, like I did and sometimes how I still do. Julia Child started to write her book as a favor to her friends. Julie Powell wrote hers ultimately out of spite and to prove she could write a blog, she just happened to choose a topic that she enjoyed.

These last few weeks I haven't been able to think of anything to write about, well nothing that would be an appropriate subject. I have been too busy with work, school, and drama with other people that I hadn't been able to dwell on any kind of pain or even just think about Jude in dept. I hate not writing because I feel like I'm letting others down. I hate talking about nothing though. There are some weeks though where I think, "WHY AM I DOING THIS? No one listens anyway."

This is one of those weeks. I'm feeling a little hope less in everything. I know the sun will shine again and my life will get better, but I seem to be a little blue. There's nothing in particular causing my color change, it just is. Its weeks like this I wish I could write, say my thoughts and feelings and such. Nothing comes out though, my motivation isn't there.

Until I hear (or read) this: "I love your blog. I'm a birth mother as well and I think you write very honestly and I can't wait to read more. Thank You :)"

So, Why do we write? Well, I can't speak for everyone, but I write for that reason above. I write for the others out there who don't feel alone anymore. I write in hopes of changing some one's point of view of a birth mother. Lastly, I write to save my self and will continue to do so.

I wanna thank every body who reads this blog. With out you, I would have only one reason to write and that is not enough for me. I hope I'm helping you in some way and that you continue to enjoy what comes.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


This is a short one this week. A lot of crappy drama that I didn't need or deserve but that's life. I just don't have much to say these days, as much as I don't like it. I haven't focused on Jude or the adoption in a while. There really isn't anything to focus on though. I haven't seen him, Katie, or Greg since February. I got a letter a month ago with some new pictures, and a few scarce ones on Facebook. I guess the over all lesson of these last few weeks is that life goes on. It can go on in a positive way or a negative way, like this week has been for me.

What really gets me is I have to factor in these other problems on top of all my feelings or what ever on the adoption. That part absolutely sucks. Honestly, its like "Really? I can't just focus on one or two problems in my life? Instead the world wants me to juggle 6 to 8 different problems? Fuck". I just wish some times that life was simple. Ha! I know crazy right? I guess the best thing to do with days or weeks like theses is just hope that you've hit rock bottom and the only place to go now is up.