Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Toys, Gifts, and Presents

I love getting Jude presents. I love going through the toy isle of any store and wondering what toys Jude would be old enough for or would like. I put a lot of thought into his birthday and christmas presents. When ever I go on a trip, I wonder about what I should souvenir I should get him. Most of the time I don’t buy him anything. It’s mostly curiosity and me trying to think “what would he wear?” or “what would he play with?”
Many people this is a problem. My mom, my sister, Victor, and even Katie at one point had a problem. Katie thought by me giving him gifts it was like I was trying to “mother” him. I stopped getting him as many things after that. Everyone else was worried about how much (money, time, and effort) I was putting into his gifts.
I admit, I have a problem. I spend ALOT of money, time, and effort on Jude’s gifts. I can’t help it though.
1). I love shopping. I would go to the mall and buy every since thing and give it all to Goodwill. What Can I say? I believe in retail therapy and use it to full extent.
2). I wove wittle baby clothes and toys! <3 There so cute!
3). This is the big one, and there is not better way to say it. I’m trying to buy Jude’s future affection.
Its horrible and I know this, but its really one of the few roads I have to show Jude that I love him. From all the adoptions stories I’ve heard, adoptees sometimes grow up feeling abandoned and/or unwanted. I definitely don’t want Jude to feel that way and I will do anything to make sure he never does. Giving him expensive things, meaningful things, hand made things, cute things, and thoughtful things will hopefully show him that I care and that I love him.
Giving Jude those gift and the future gifts to come make me feel better. Like I’m doing something right by him (and I know that the whole giving him up in the first place is the right thing for him, but that was pre-adoption. I’m trying to do right by him in the post adoption). I hope this and the other ways I’m trying is the right thing to for him.
I have decided to get the Paramore album cover butterfly as my tattoo. I don’t know when or where (on my body) I’m getting it, but I am excited about it. I also have decided to do something else with the foot prints. I’m SUPER excited about this :)

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

"The Test"

When you give up a child for adoption, afterwards you do tell people that you had a baby and gave it up for adoption. With most adoptions these days being open adoptions and so society being more forgiving than 30 years ago, birth moms don’t have to hide there pregnancy and baby scandal. Because of this birth moms can choose to talk about their experiences to other people, which is a very good thing. The bad part is though, how will others react to your story.
Now typically, said birth mom is already a strong person (having given up her child and all) so if the person she tells reacts badly and puts shames her then she can handle it and rip them a new one. There is one area where this situation is much different expectation and the reaction matters drastically. It is commonly referred to as “TheTest”.
The Test is when a birth mom tells her story to a person who has the possibility of becoming some one special. Most commonly a potential boyfriend or girlfriend (depending on which way you swing). The reaction is carefully watched to determine if said person will continue to be in your life. React poorly and they’re gone for good. React positively and your in a birth moms good graces.
You simply can’t say “Wow! You did a really nice thing”, oh no. Granted you might be genuine when you say that, but we will be looking for more. Not only will we want to know in depth what you think about adoption, pregnancy, babies. We will be watching your body language when you talk about these things and we will continue to watch how you react when the subject comes up at different times. Until we fully trust that your feelings on the matter made clear. From there we will decide what to do.
As an example I will use a boy I’m currently interested in. When I first told him I was a birth mom, he reacted and said things that were common. “oh how cool.” and “it takes a really strong and selfless woman to do something like that”. Then I told him my story and he asked the FAQs of adoption. As time went on and I talked about the adoption and such he would offer advise, support, and even ask me more in-depth questions about the situation (showing me that he takes a genuine interest in that part of my life). The only part I have not been able to gage yet is his body language when he talks about these things because I have not met him in person yet. Overall though, his responses are positive and he honestly seems interested and supportive of my choices. He wants to be there for me when I’m going through my high and low points. At this point in time, I think I will keep him around. ;)
Now, some of you maybe wondering “Why is the test so important? And why is it so intense?”
It’s important because birth moms shouldn’t have to feel like they need to hide any part of their lives. If we can’t share our most intense moments in our lives to some one who “truly cares” about us, then what does that person really do for you and mean to you?
The Test is so intense because the process and the aftermath is Intense. Being pregnant, giving birth, and giving that baby up for adoption is going to leave some scars, emotional and physical (talk about stretch marks, Jude completely ruined my stomach and hips. Plus he was a C section.) The thing about scars is, no matter how hard you try, they never really disappear. That baby will always be a part of you in some way or another. Finding a person who truly tries to understand that, respect it, and be supportive of it is nothing short of a miracle.
This test is like any other. If you open your mind, heart, and ears and try your hardest, you should be able to pass it.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Baby Love to Baby Blues

I don't know if its just me, but It seems like everyone I know is pregnant these days. Girls my age that I went to school with, woman I know from my work or day to day life, even next door neighbors; all of them pregnant. The natural and first reaction is to be happy for them, which I am. I'm happy for them and give them as much advise on pregnancy as they want.
The second reaction and somewhat unwanted reaction is sadness.

I begin to miss my pregnancy. I miss the short 39 weeks I had with Jude. I miss feeling him move at night when I'm trying to sleep. I miss eating ego waffles every morning for like 4 months straight because I had a constant craving for them.

I miss the life I never had a chance to have, if that's at all possible. I don't want to say I'm jealous or envious, because I don't wish I could have their life or be in their situation. I just wish I could have had my own, one where Jude, Victor, and I lived happily ever after. It wasn't meant to be though, and mourning a life that never existedis pointless.

Being pregnant was the amazing and horrible at the same time. I miss it and would never wish it upon any one else. In short, pregnancy is a HUGE oxymoron. It was the best of times and it was the worse of times.

I find it difficult to move on from the sad part sometimes. I want to be happy for these woman, but sometimes I just can't be (it truly depends on the situation and the girl). I want to be a huge bitch and say "Huh, really? your pregnant? You sure you should be a parent?"

Horrible I know -_-

I'm good though. I keep my mouth shut, smile and nod. It's not my life and its not my decision, so I should respect their decisions regardless of if I like them or not. I would suggest the same for anyone else.

Its a hard place to be. Being a birth mom and watching everyone around you do the job you chose not to do (for good reasons). I just try my best everyday just to be happy for them, and in the end I am. Most of these people are my friends and a good friends support one another. Just because I didn't have a chance to raise Jude, doesn't mean nobody else can.

Besides, this means when there will be some cute babies I can OOOH and AWW over.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Playlist: Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie

I know this song isn't about adoption and it isn't on my playlist yet, but it will be today. This song is about moving on and going on with your life, even if you don't really want to. Sometimes it just needs to be done, so that one day you can have peace and know you lived your life to achieve personal happiness.

"Big Girls Don't Cry"

Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay


Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be my Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity


La Da Da Da Da Da