Sunday, September 4, 2011

Baby Love to Baby Blues

I don't know if its just me, but It seems like everyone I know is pregnant these days. Girls my age that I went to school with, woman I know from my work or day to day life, even next door neighbors; all of them pregnant. The natural and first reaction is to be happy for them, which I am. I'm happy for them and give them as much advise on pregnancy as they want.
The second reaction and somewhat unwanted reaction is sadness.

I begin to miss my pregnancy. I miss the short 39 weeks I had with Jude. I miss feeling him move at night when I'm trying to sleep. I miss eating ego waffles every morning for like 4 months straight because I had a constant craving for them.

I miss the life I never had a chance to have, if that's at all possible. I don't want to say I'm jealous or envious, because I don't wish I could have their life or be in their situation. I just wish I could have had my own, one where Jude, Victor, and I lived happily ever after. It wasn't meant to be though, and mourning a life that never existedis pointless.

Being pregnant was the amazing and horrible at the same time. I miss it and would never wish it upon any one else. In short, pregnancy is a HUGE oxymoron. It was the best of times and it was the worse of times.

I find it difficult to move on from the sad part sometimes. I want to be happy for these woman, but sometimes I just can't be (it truly depends on the situation and the girl). I want to be a huge bitch and say "Huh, really? your pregnant? You sure you should be a parent?"

Horrible I know -_-

I'm good though. I keep my mouth shut, smile and nod. It's not my life and its not my decision, so I should respect their decisions regardless of if I like them or not. I would suggest the same for anyone else.

Its a hard place to be. Being a birth mom and watching everyone around you do the job you chose not to do (for good reasons). I just try my best everyday just to be happy for them, and in the end I am. Most of these people are my friends and a good friends support one another. Just because I didn't have a chance to raise Jude, doesn't mean nobody else can.

Besides, this means when there will be some cute babies I can OOOH and AWW over.

1 comment:

  1. This is exactly how i feel. no matter how hard i try to be happy for them, i end up being jelous, sad, even mad sometimes. its horrible, but im starting to see its somewhat normal.