Tuesday, September 13, 2011

"The Test"

When you give up a child for adoption, afterwards you do tell people that you had a baby and gave it up for adoption. With most adoptions these days being open adoptions and so society being more forgiving than 30 years ago, birth moms don’t have to hide there pregnancy and baby scandal. Because of this birth moms can choose to talk about their experiences to other people, which is a very good thing. The bad part is though, how will others react to your story.
Now typically, said birth mom is already a strong person (having given up her child and all) so if the person she tells reacts badly and puts shames her then she can handle it and rip them a new one. There is one area where this situation is much different expectation and the reaction matters drastically. It is commonly referred to as “TheTest”.
The Test is when a birth mom tells her story to a person who has the possibility of becoming some one special. Most commonly a potential boyfriend or girlfriend (depending on which way you swing). The reaction is carefully watched to determine if said person will continue to be in your life. React poorly and they’re gone for good. React positively and your in a birth moms good graces.
You simply can’t say “Wow! You did a really nice thing”, oh no. Granted you might be genuine when you say that, but we will be looking for more. Not only will we want to know in depth what you think about adoption, pregnancy, babies. We will be watching your body language when you talk about these things and we will continue to watch how you react when the subject comes up at different times. Until we fully trust that your feelings on the matter made clear. From there we will decide what to do.
As an example I will use a boy I’m currently interested in. When I first told him I was a birth mom, he reacted and said things that were common. “oh how cool.” and “it takes a really strong and selfless woman to do something like that”. Then I told him my story and he asked the FAQs of adoption. As time went on and I talked about the adoption and such he would offer advise, support, and even ask me more in-depth questions about the situation (showing me that he takes a genuine interest in that part of my life). The only part I have not been able to gage yet is his body language when he talks about these things because I have not met him in person yet. Overall though, his responses are positive and he honestly seems interested and supportive of my choices. He wants to be there for me when I’m going through my high and low points. At this point in time, I think I will keep him around. ;)
Now, some of you maybe wondering “Why is the test so important? And why is it so intense?”
It’s important because birth moms shouldn’t have to feel like they need to hide any part of their lives. If we can’t share our most intense moments in our lives to some one who “truly cares” about us, then what does that person really do for you and mean to you?
The Test is so intense because the process and the aftermath is Intense. Being pregnant, giving birth, and giving that baby up for adoption is going to leave some scars, emotional and physical (talk about stretch marks, Jude completely ruined my stomach and hips. Plus he was a C section.) The thing about scars is, no matter how hard you try, they never really disappear. That baby will always be a part of you in some way or another. Finding a person who truly tries to understand that, respect it, and be supportive of it is nothing short of a miracle.
This test is like any other. If you open your mind, heart, and ears and try your hardest, you should be able to pass it.

1 comment:

  1. Great post.....glad you found someone who seems to have passed it :) I can't even bring myself to date let alone consider telling about being a birthmother. I'm not ashamed of it but I simply have lost trust and belief in "good guys", that things "work out for the best", "happy endings", blah blah. Apparently I have some stuff to work through! In any case, yes, anyone who can handle the news and remain interested and supportive definitely passes it!