Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I Got A Visit!

Its true! Yesterday I saw Jude for the first time in 6 months exactly! It was some what unexpected because I had only gotten a weeks notice. The amount of joy I experienced though just knowing I was going to see him was indescribable. The down fall? I spent that week being extremely nervous and biting my nails until they bled. That’s OK though, cause I would risk a million ulcers and never having nails again if it meant I could see Jude.
The day came and I was freaking out. I had work in the morning, but I was free in the afternoon. I spent the rest of it worrying about what I should wear, how I should do my hair, and if I should paint my nails. My sister and my friend Hannah helped me figure all that out. (Dress, braids, and no nail polish in case you were wondering). Originally Victor, my mom, and my sister were going to come with me, but in the end Victor was the only person that came with me. 
First we went to Carls Jr. because Victor was hungry. Then we had to go to the apple store and drop off my mom’s computer to be fixed. I swear to god a million years passed by while I was waiting for the lady to take my information down. I practically ran out the apple store and Victor lagged behind. We met them in a coffee shop that was luckily right next to the apple store. They were right in front and Jude was eating food.
My biggest fear out of this meeting: Jude wouldn’t like me. I know people think “How can he not like you! He’s 10 months old he doesn’t know what he likes or doesn’t like.” Around 10 months though babies start to develop stranger anxiety and don’t like to be around people they don’t know. I know its nothing personal, but still. When I walked in, I sat down, said my hellos, smiled at him and he smiled right back. 
From there things became easier. We talked about how Jude is doing, how Katie and Greg are doing, and how Victor and I are doing. I made sure Victor was comfortable with everything and with Jude. We went down the street to a small park and watched him crawl around. I took as many pictures and video as possible. I even got to walk with him a few times (yes, he’s almost walking!) Before we left we took some official looking photos, which I love doing. They put him back in his stroller and I told him to be a good boy and that I love him. We walked together for a bit, then we parted ways. Victor and I went to Pizza My Heart afterwards and talked about the wonderful visit we had.
When I got home I uploaded my photos to facebook and just on my computer in general. I was looking them over with my mom, and she asked all the typical questions. “What’s he like?” “How are Katie and Greg?” “What does he like?” and then, she asked the question I get asked the most and I think people wonder about the most.
“Does it make you sad? To see him and then to see him leave all over again?”
My mom told me when I was little, that it took me more than a month to smile. When I was older I asked her why, she said “Well, honey I think you knew that you weren’t born into the easiest situation (which I wasn’t, unmarried parents who couldn’t stand each other and lots of other crazy family drama) and I think that you were just waiting to see if it was OK to be here.” Since then I figured that babies have some kind of intuition about life and their surroundings.
The day we left the hospital, we were taking some final pictures and Jude starts to smile. We were able to get one blurry picture of it, but its there. That was always my sign that Jude knew he was going to be OK and he was letting me know that everything is going to be fine. Every time I see him, he’s still smiling. He’s still letting me know that everything is alright. He’s happy, healthy, and his parents are making sure he stays that way.
So, the answer to the previous question is No. I am never sad to see him. I’m never sad when I have to leave him, because I always know that I will see him again. His smiles let me know that he’s happy and that I don’t need to worry about him. As long as he keeps smiling, I will always know that he is where he belongs and that he’s happy, healthy, and safe. 
In two months I have another visit, his birthday visit, and I can’t wait until I see his smile again. The smile that says “Hi Birth Mommy! Don’t worry, I’m Happy”

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

I Wanna Thank

Every one who sent me kind words or postitive thoughts the other day when I had my crazy adoption nightmare. It wonderful to know that I have an amazing support system out there. 
Thank You My Friends. I Truly Appreciate It.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

I Think

I'm going to a bad place today. I had a horrible nightmare about the adoption last night and, quiet frankly, I'm scared.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

The Playlist: Broken by Lifehouse

I feel a little down today because I have to spend a HUGE amount of time with people I’m not to fond of and this song has always hit the spot on days like this. Its always seemed a little hopeful to me and in an adoption process, hope is a good thing to have in an adoption. On all sides


The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Can't We All Just Get Along?

One would think that in adoption precess there are only a few people involved. How wrong they are. Ideally, it would just be you, the babies father (possibly), and the adoptive parents. Nope. Far from it. Every decision I made effected the baby, Victor, Katie and Greg, My parents, Victor’s parents, Katie’s and Greg’s Parents, the rest of my family, the rest of Victor’s family, the rest of Katie’s and Greg’s family, my friends, Victor’s friends, Katie’s and Greg’s friends, the doctor, the lawyer, and the list goes on and on.
The truth is, no matter how much you would like to think its no one’s business, everyone thinks it is there business. Nothing can be done about it, its human nature to be in everyones lives. It’s why Tumblr, Myspace, and Facebook do so well.
The real problem is with that many people involved, there are going to be different opinions and points of views shared. Which can result in arguments and angry exchanges. Trust me, its damn near impossible to keep everyone happy. 
Victor and I had to deal with a lot of peoples bull during the pregnancy. My dad kicked me out of “his” family while I was pregnant. My mom and sister couldn’t possibly understand how I could kept the baby through pregnancy. Victor’s parents wanted us to keep the baby and his mother practically begged me to do so. I agruement with one of my friends over my idea of the kind of parents I should look into for Jude; she valued money over love and I was the opposite. This continued on and on until the day Jude was born.
Oh, it doesn’t after the adoption ends either. There’s always something on one side or the other. My mom worries about me all the time because I’m sad about something having to do with the adoption. Sadly because of this, she has a bit of a negative out look on the adoption. My dad has always had a negative out look on the adoption. He refers to Jude as “Fresno”, a town near where Katie, Greg, and Jude live. He’ll say, “So…..How’s Fresno?” Yeah, I know. I’ve even gotten into a tiff or two with Katie via email because of things we say or want. 
The Solution: Do what you feel is right. Its the same thing that we have been doing for our selves and our babies from day one. We know what is the right thing to do for ourselves has been since day one, why should it change now. There will always be people in your life thinking they know better than you, and on occation they might. But in general, you are in control of your life and happiness. You can’t make everyone happy, but you can inform them that your incontrol of this situtation, not them. 
My mom only knows one side of the story, and I try to remind her of that fact. My dad is just a douche and one day I’ll tell him that. And while Katie and I have our differences, we want the same end goal; to do the best thing for Jude. 
Thats all I have ever wanted for Jude. I’m pretty sure thats what any mother wants for her children. I know that all of his birth family wants that for Jude as well, and when he is ready they are all waiting for him with big smiles and open arms.