Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Intro and Reasoning

There are reasons people do the things they do. Even a reason as simple as "For the hell of it" is a reason, maybe a stupid one in some cases, but still a reason. I'm not much of a writer or a talker. My grammar is horrible (a second grader can write a properly structured sentence better than me), spelling is a lost concept with the invention of spell check, and I love using slang. Despite all these things that makes writing a blog a bad idea, I still am choosing to do so. Why? Because I need to.

It's been almost a year ago to the day that my life changed drastically. February 2010, within the last month I had finished my first semester at CSUMB (California State University, Monterey Bay) and was starting my second semester, broken up with my first and only boyfriend that I've had since 7th grade, and had lost my first real job. Oh yeah, my life was just great. The thing you need to know about my life, its loves irony and coincidence. When you think it can't just get any worse than this, my life says "oh yes it can" and it does. So for any of you who have watched those after school specials teachers love showing, soaps, or Oprah, can you guess what life decided to throw me next? (If you need a hint, check the title) Yep, mid february I found out that I was five weeks pregnant. . . . SHIT.

My story in a nut shell is I adopted my baby out to a wonderful family who loves him and pretty much kisses the ground he lays on. But see here comes the flaw in our society when it comes to adoption stories; and the adoptive parents and the baby lived happily ever after. ---- oK, thats wonderful and great for them, but what about the birth parents? What happened to them after the baby was born? How did they feel during the whole process? What's worse is the stereotypes made about birth moms and even teenage/young mothers who keep there babies. So I'm just going to clear things up before assumptions are made about me. I AM NOT A DRUG ATTICT, I'M NOT A WHORE, I WAS NOT DRUNK WHEN I GOT PREGNANT, NO I'M NOT STUPID, AND YES I KNOW WHO THE "BABY DADDY" IS. Those statements might apply to some situations, but society seems to think that one or more of those statements apply to ALL teenage girls who got pregnant.

The worst one, and I have bitch fits over people who say or think this, is that people seem to think that women who give their babies up for adoption either don't care about their babies, or don't love them, or both. For adoptees (people who were adopted) who might be reading this, if you have found your birth parents and for whatever reason they don't want to see you, know you, or whatever. I'm am so sorry. We're all not like that and it sounds like your better off without them anyway (thats just my opinion). Giving up my son was the hardest thing I'VE EVER HAD TO DO. I love him and care about him more than any one else in the world. He is on my mind everyday and I look at his pictures constantly. I miss him so much sometimes it physically hurts me, my stomach will start having pains or my body will start shaking like I'm cold, its never anything serious but it still hurts. I did not take my decision lightly and I didn't make it easily. I made it because it was the right thing to do for him, his father, and me.

Now society is not all bad. I got a lot of support from family, friends, acquaintances, and outside resources. There are a lot of agencies willing to work with girls considering adoption and even if you decide not to go threw with it some will help with what you would need to keep the baby. California laws make sure that birth parents have as many rights as possible and that this decision was made with the most amount of thought possible. In the long run though, the bad is noticed more than the good.

Now I'm not saying that adoptive parents have it easy either. The government makes adoptive families jump threw flaming hoops and swim across shark infested waters before they are even considered to become parents. Some agencies have potential parents pay threw the nose for there services and thats not including all the things they might need to pay for later (lawyer fee's, therapy for the birth parents, "gifts" in the form of cash for the adoptive parents, etc.). Not only that but its an emotional roller coasters of ifs and maybes. Nothing is final until the government says so. Just because the adoptive parents take the baby home with them, does not mean the adoption is final. Adopting a baby is a long (very long in some cases), stressful, and emotional process.

I have a few reasons why I'm writing this blog. One of them is to explain this side of the adoption process. The world is very pro-adoptive parents, which is not a bad thing, but it just a big disadvantage for birth parents and even adoptees. Think about this for a second, I live in San Jose, CA. Its a pretty big, well-known city and a good portion of Silicon Valley. I think a little less than one million people live here. Guess how many publicly known support groups for birth parents; none. I've asked the agency I first went threw, my lawyer, my OBGYN, and my therapist. Most of these people specialize in adoption some how and not one of them know where one is in San Jose. If there is one, its the best kept secret in the USA. I live in the 3rd biggest city in California and apparently I'm the only one out a million people to give my baby up for adoption. . . How messed up is that?! The closes one near me is in Salinas and they meet once every two months. I go to a book store to look for books on adoption from the birth parents point of view. First of all the section on adoption consist of maybe 3 books total, and there all for adoptive parents. Granted online I had more luck online, but what if the need for information was more immediate. Hypothetical situation, girl finds out she's pregnant. She's scared, in tears, and her brain is running at 100 mph. All of a sudden she decides she needs to learn about every option she has: abortion, pregnancy, adoption, keeping the baby, etc. The closest thing to her is a book store, she goes in and starts pulling book after book off the shelves. She gets to the adoption section and there is no book that can help her.

This brings me to reason number two. When your pregnant at 19, or younger, or even if your just not ready to have a baby and your considering adoption; No matter how much support you receive and no matter how many other people you may know that have been in the same situation, You Still Feel All Alone. No one could possibly fathom what your feeling, experiencing, and going threw. Its one of the worse feelings in the world. The awful truth is that no one can fix that feeling. No amount of support, love, or help will ever fix that feeling, but they help. I'm writing this for the young girl peeing on the stick of doom, scared out of her mind. I'm writing this for the young girl who feels the baby she's carrying kick knowing that in a few months he will no longer legally be hers. I'm writing this for the girl with the fresh c-section scar on her abdomen crying for her baby thats no longer hers. I'm here. I know your pain. I'm still living threw it everyday. I want them to know that their alone.

The third and last important reason is more of a selfish reason. I really just need to do this for my self. I have so many things that need to be said. So many thoughts, feelings, and complaints. Writing this blog is helping me express everything in an environment that I ultimately control.

Now, with that all said, let me make a few things clear.
1). I will try to be as honest as I can possibly be. I like being brutally honest, saying what is on my mind, and saying what needs to be said. If I want to have this blog help potential girls, and maybe even some birth fathers, in the same situation I need them to trust me. To trust me they need to know that my words are the truth. There is a catch however.
2). I am changing the names of all the people I talk about here. My son, my ex, my friends, my son's parents, and my family all of there names WILL be changed. Its simply because I don't want them feeling uncomfortable and having it create drama. The weird thing about people is they love talking about other people but they hate being talked about. Not only that, but its more about respecting their boundaries.
3). This is meant to be a supportive and realistic blog. Some of the things I talk about will be very upsetting, but they are part of my reality. I will also try to keep what I say about certain topics civil, but just to be warned, when I'm pissed I say awful, awful things. You as the reader however are not allowed to have that option. If you comment on any of my post, be civil. If u cuss out or say anything mean about the people in interact with, I'm going to have a serious problem with you. You are allowed to have an opinion about me or these people, but if you must say anything, please state it as nicely as possible. Remember this is meant to be a SUPPORTIVE and realistic blog, supportive being first.
4). If you have any questions, ask them. I love talking about my experience and informing people on certain aspects of my experience.

Alright, does everybody know the guidelines now? Yes? Good, then lets get the ball rolling

My name is S.C.L. I'm 19 going on 20 and I'm birth mom to the most beautiful 4 month old boy. This is my story.