Wednesday, November 9, 2011


I always have one person or another asking me "Do you regret  putting your baby up for adoption?".  I have always said "No, I don't. Nor do I think I ever will. I did what's best for my son and that's what matters". I still know that to be fully true. The only possibly way that it could change is if Katie and and Greg become horrible abusive and cruel, but Hell has a better chance of freezing over than that ever happening.

After looking back on a year though and reflecting on the events that passed, there are a few things I did or didn't do that I regret.

The biggest regret I have is not being more pregnant happy. There are only maybe 10 pictures of me pregnant. Like 7-8 of them are of my stomach and two of them are of my face from Lilith Fair (I was around 5 months pregnant when I went, so thats like half counts). I had a 4-d ultrasound but only because I figured it would be nice for Katie and Greg to have some kind of pregnancy interaction. They loved it by the way, and it was kinda cool to go. I did a scrap book after he was born, but never a baby book. Some of those questions in their were just not appropriate for my situation. For instance....

"What was your partners reaction when you told him you were pregnant?"
He swore profusely in every room of his house and started ranting about how he "can't do this"

......... Yeah, that's something I really want to remember.

Looking back on it now, I wish I had done some more pregnant happy stuff. I wish I took month by month picture, done a pregnancy photo shoot, maybe get a tacky papermache stomach thing done. Hell, I even want to do a baby book. The problem with that though is they usually go beyond birth and I can't really put anything there. This is a lesson well learned and the next time I get pregnant I'm doing all sorts of pregnancy happy things.

The second thing I regret is being very hands off when it came to Victors involvement in the pregnancy. I know he tried his best and I'm really grateful that he was even involved at all, but there were some things I think I could have asked more of. The big one is his being there at the hospital. The last day, the "goodbye" day he left to go to school, and I told him he could. I didn't want to force him to be somewhere he didn't want to be, and I didn't think he wanted to be there. Him not being there though, was probably the worst thing he has ever done to me though (and that's including our break-up which was pretty bad). I know I told him to go and because of his autism, he actually took it as "its ok to go". When I was trying to say, "Please stay. I need you". I almost wish secret girl code wasn't secret so guys could know things with out us having to tell them. *sigh* Oh, well. I told (well, yelled) at Victor later about this and he's apologized multiple times, but I don't think I can forgive him on this one.

The last big thing is I wish I had more time alone at the hospital with Jude. Katie and Greg, Family (thiers and mine), and friends were there all the time, and really I didn't have time to breathe. Don't get me wrong, I loved that they were there to support me, the adoption, Katie and Greg, and Jude. I would probably do it that way with the next baby, minus the adoption part obviously. I just........wanted more time. Then again, there is never really enough time for a situation like this, is there?

I choose the options I did though for these three things, knowing that I would maybe regret these decisions later. Why? There is one big flaw with these regrets. All of these things I regret are all things that fall on a very thin line. The line between giving the baby up for adoption and becoming attached and keeping the baby. All of these regrets and decisions on how to deal with the pregnancy and the baby teeter on that line.

Maybe If I had spent more time with Jude in the hospital, I would have gotten attached and not given him up. Maybe the more pregnant happy I got, the more baby happy I would become, and that would lead to choosing to keep the baby. If Victor was more involved I would get a warped sense of reality and thing that we could actually function as a family. These may all be "What If's" but the are HUGE "what if's". These "What If's" would have changed my life, Jude's life, Katie and Greg's, Victors, and so many other peoples lives! I loved that baby I grew in my stomach, I loved the little baby I held in my arms moments after he was born, and I love the little toddler he's growing up to be. He was my world and still is and I knew he deserved so much better than me.

I quiet honestly can't tell you what would have happened if I went back and re-did all the things I regret. I can tell you though, that while I do have small regrets, it came with the huge reward of knowing my son is so much better off. 

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