Tuesday, March 6, 2012
This last weekend I had a wonderful visit with Jude, Katie and Greg! Before I get into this visit though, I need to share some back story so you understand my mind set during this visit.
A month or two ago I had a sort of a revelation or ephifany. This is really hard for some people to understand, so lets hope it goes well here.
I am very happy with where Jude is. I don't want him back. I don't want to raise him in anyway. He is better off with Katie and Greg and I am better off without Jude. I love getting pictures, updates, and visits. I never ever want to stop seeing him. I love him more than anything else in the world and would be thrilled if, when he's older, he would like to spend a weekend with me or even invite me to special events. However, I'm fully aware that I am not his mother and I'm not going to pretend that I am. I gave birth to him. I will always love him like he is my son. I will always be there for him if or when he needs me. My mothering "duties" stop there. I'm not the one who wakes up with him when he gets sick in the middle of the night. I am not the one who will make him sandwiches for school. I'm not the one who will ground him for crashing the car. I will also not be the one who will get mothers day cards, watch him graduate from college, and drill the girl he brings home to marry. That is not a role I am meant to play in his life and I am happy that I won't be able to play that role. I have the opportunity to play a different role all together and I am perfectly excited about it.
Now that we have gotten that straight, I'll tell you about the visit.
We decided to go to the beach the day before. Victor was unsure if he had wanted to go to the beach with us, but he knew he wanted to see Jude. I asked Katie and Greg if we could have lunch before hand and they happily agreed. When I told my parents this, they got their big puppy eyes out and asked if they could come too. I couldn't say no to them, but honestly I just didn't want them to come that visit. It messed up a lot of different things. 1). That many people and people that he knows hates him (my stepdad especially) sets off his Aspergers and he becomes very quiet and anti-social. 2). I made it seem like it would only be me and Victor at the lunch and then all of a sudden two more people are there. 3). Because of its short notice I didn't have time to inform Victor's parents that Jude was coming for a visit. The adoption was hard on them too and I know for sure that at least Victor's mom would have liked to see him. It just sucks that my parents have the advantage of being right next to me when they hear Jude is in town.
As stressed as I was though, lunch went by well. Victor interacted with Jude a bit. My parents talked to Greg and Katie. Victor and I really just talked to each other. I gave them their christmas presents and watched Jude build with blocks. My step dad even talked to Vlad for a bit about transferring to schools. At one point it got to be too much for Victor and he went outside, but other than that it was great. Later, after the visit, I told Victor about our day and he had said it wished it had gone differently because he felt like he didn't get the kind of visit he wanted because of all the stress and his Asperger's caused.
After lunch, Katie, Greg, Jude, and I drove to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. We talked, walked along the pier, went in the water some. Jude and I played in the water, Katie and Greg did as well, but not at much because they weren't dress appropriately. We stayed there for a couple of hours. We changed Jude into a different outfit and got some stuff to eat. I went to the best candy store ever. Jude ate some Mum-mums and watermelon. Katie had cucumbers and pineapple and Greg ate a deep fried twinkie. Then we drove back to my house and parted ways from their. I don't know when our next visit is, but it doesn't matter. The whole time I was there I kind of felt like their nanny or like their family friend, but I was totally cool with it. They are both roles I'm good at playing and I like playing.
I was so happy to see them all. Jude has grown so much! He's starting to talk and babble. He can say Mama, dada, and hot. He walks and runs pretty well. Can built up blocks and knock them down. Sleeps through the night and eats all of his food. He has just started to throw tantrums, but they last two minutes at most. His favorite show is Yo Gabba Gabba! and he likes shoes. He looks like and acts most like Victor. He has so many physical traits that Victor has. Their eyes, their facial expressions, their swirl on the back of their head. Their both not morning people, eat almost anything, and sleep like the dead. Oh, my boys, my two favorite boys.
Until next time :)