Monday, December 19, 2011

Ho Ho Holiday Emotions

So guess what….The holidays are here! No shit right? Seriously though, its a time for family, good will towards people, and giving and receiving. For me though, it means stress and family traditions. I’ve been super busy getting presents for everyone, wrapping them, and working. Then I have to worry about making sure I spend enough time with my moms family and my dads. On top of all that, Victor is in Germany until January 9th and any free time I have will be boring :/.
The holidays are always the worst when it comes to the adoption as well. Last year, the first christmas of the adoption, I was a wreck. I didn’t want to do anything and I spent any free time crying. I also semi-dramatically left christmas eve mass crying because I couldn’t handle my emotions.
This year, I have been handling everything pretty well. I sent Jude, Katie, and Greg’s gift off a few days ago and hopefully they will like them. I’ve been making my Nana a scrapbook of Jude’s pictures and hopefully soon, I will be working on Victors present (which is a stuffed animal of Rainbow Dash from My Little Pony: Friendship is magic, yes Victor is a Brony). There are only a few moments when I really wish I could see Jude, Katie, and Greg for the holidays.
Christmas time is a time for family traditions and sometimes I wish I could share those with Jude. Every Year my mom would buy us ordainments with the year on them. I wanted to try to do the same thing with Jude, so last year I bought Jude an ordainment. However this year I have been so busy with work and school that I forgot until just now…..literally as I was writing this *Face -> Palm*. I could try to put something together, but honestly maybe it is better that I let his actual parents buy him ordainments. I might send one every once in a while, but I think I need to let him and his family make their own traditions. 
Family get togethers are another hard one, but easy at the same time. I wish he was there and that everyone could see him, but at the same time I know my family…… its a good thing he isn’t around some of them.
The last thing is the fact that I don’t see him at all during the holidays. I honestly just didn’t think about it when we drew up the contract. So I just planned for his birthday and mine. But today I got asked if I was going to see him during the holidays. Its not a ridiculous question, in theory I should try to see Jude, Katie, and Greg for christmas what with them being family and all. But we have no plans to do so. I could ask Katie and Greg if they had some free time and meet them in the city next to their town, but I don’t even have time to go to Los Gatos, the town (and I shit you not) two minutes away from my house! Not only that, but what if they say no or I make them feel awkward? Could I handle the rejection of them saying No? I would feel horribly guilty if they agreed to seeing me but felt awkward for doing so. Its just a lot to think about.
I haven’t cried once though. I guess I’m just not sad anymore and that is so relieving in so many different ways. I hope Jude, Katie, and Greg have a wonderful Christmas and New Years together.
I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and New Years filled with love and happiness!

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