Saturday, October 15, 2011

Looking Back On One Year

This time last year was different. Last year at this time I was 19, taking online classes at the community college (and failing miserably I might add), working as a part time babysitter a few hours a day, and more importantly 39 weeks pregnant.

It was around 9:30 on a sunny Friday morning in mid October, that I was told that my baby was developed enough that I wanted, he could be born today. I agreed and that night, October 15th, 2010 at 6:23pm I had a beautiful baby boy, who was later named Jude.
On October 19th, 2010 Victor, Jude's father, and I signed adoption papers relinquishing Jude to the best adoptive parents we could have picked for him, Katie and Greg.

Today is October 15th, 2011. Which means exactly one year has passed. Jude is one year old today. So many things have changed in a year. I'm one year older, I go to school at the community college (and passing!), I've worked a few different jobs but now I'm a housekeeper and nanny for multiple families, and more importantly I'm the proud birth mother of a one year old son. With great change comes many lessons learned and knowledge gained, and boy howdy I've learn a lot.

I've learned that I'm a lot stronger person now, than I have ever been in my previous 19 years of life. I have been to hell and back for the last year and 9 months and I'm still here. I survived dammit! No one can take that away from me. I refuse the let anyone try to take that away from me.

I've learned that there is a greater love out in the world than I could have ever imagined. I found that love the moment I laid my eyes on Jude. My love for Jude will never go away. No matter what the distance. No matter what the circumstances will be. He is the love of my life, the reason I strive to be a better person and work hard for a better life, and the reason I grew up. Nothing or no one can or will change that.

I have learned who in my family I can really count on and which of my "friends" are really my friends. Which one's I can trust to be by my side in my hour of need and support me anyway they can. The ones that stayed I love even more now and I owe then so much gratitude. They have no idea how much I appreciate them.

Being a birth mom has taught me a few things as well. I got all sorts of advice on how to go through my depression, how to handle my adoption, and what to do when (insertsituation here). Here's what I think are the biggest things I have learned through my experience.

No matter how sure you are of your decision, no matter how much you love the adoptive family your giving your baby too, and no matter how much you coach yourself before hand, giving that baby up will be the hardest thing you have ever done. You will be depressed. You will cry, sob, bawl, and possibly scream, wishing you could take your baby back. It goes away eventually; the pain and the tears. This is natural and even needed, just don't expect everything to be fine afterwards. Then you get frustrated that your not OK, which makes you even more upset and then it just becomes a vicious cycle.

Find Birth mom friends as soon as you can. Whether its through a support group,coincidence, or Tumblr. I became a much better person when I met other birth moms, and they have helped me so much. I wish I would have met them sooner. I reallyappreciate them and couldn't have made it through with out them. 

Help is very important. Go find it! Support groups, one on one therapy, blogging, arts and crafts, anti-depressants, anything that will help. No one expects you to do this alone. Help is a good thing, and there are many people out there who want to make sure that you come out happy in the end.

The most important thing (AND I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH!!!!) is will get better. People always would tell me that "Don't worry it gets better with time". Birth moms, friends, family, and even people from the blog. They always told me that "It will get better". I would think "How can it get better?" or "I know it gets better and I know the world keeps spinning and blah blah blah. I just want this horrible part to be over!" It turns out, they were right. Things get better. You don't know how it happens or even really when it happens. All of a sudden your thrown back into the world and you become so caught up in life that you find your self feeling better. It's a wonderful feeling. It's the start of you feeling like you again.

So, today, on my son's first birthday, I'm frantically cleaning the house and buying decorations for a party I'm throwing for him tomorrow. I'm reflecting on the fact that a year has gone by. I'm blogging for you lovely people. The oddest of them all, I'm not crying. I don't think I will. Today is nothing more than a happy beautiful day. Tomorrow is an exciting fun day. From their another year of adventures begin.

Happy Birthday Jude

I Love You

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