There is a Hole in my Body

When I gave Jude up and left the hospital, I was devistated. I literally felt a hole in my heart. A piece of me was missing from my heart and sometimes it felt like I had a hole in my chest. There was no pain. Just a hole in my chest. I could feel the skin dip down into my chest and I couldn’t feel that area where the hole was.

That feeling went away though. The hole never did go away though, nor do I think it will. The feeling went away though and I could function.

That feeling came back. It was random. I wasn’t sad, I just felt like I was missing something. That something wasn’t right in my life and I missed Jude. The hole in my chest came back and it stayed there for a night.

I wasn’t sad. I didn’t cry. I didn’t pine for a fantasy. I just missed my birth son and wanted to hold him. 

The hole was gone the next morning. The hole is gone now.

I wonder how long it will stay gone?

The "What if" Factor

What if?

Its the big question in life. Trying to guess if the things you didn’t do are regrets or good choices. To a birth mom its a huge question.

What if I had kept my baby? 

Its a big thing to contemplate. I used to think about it all the time in the begging of the adoption and often during pregnancy. So many things to consider. So many things would change and be completely different. 

What If I had Kept Jude?

• What would my life be like?
• Would I be happy? Would Jude be happy?
• What kind of mom would I have been?
• How would Jude turn out with Victor and I as parents?
• What would Victor’s role be in our lives?
• Where would we have lived?
• What would my parents think?
• What would Victors parents think?
• Would I have been able to go to school?
• and the list goes on and on…..

I don’t think about this question as much anymore. It crosses my mind every once in a while, usually caused by a parenting tip or opinion I read somewhere. I can’t change the past, so why think about a life that doesn’t exist?

I can’t help but wonder though and I’m sure other Birth Moms do as well sometimes, What if?