Saturday, June 16, 2012

Father's Day 2012

I know it’s not father’s day yet, well at least here in the U.S.A, I have one more day. Father’s day for me how ever isn’t a big deal. My dad only saw me once every two weeks and after I got pregnant I really decided that I didn’t want to be there. I love him and such, just not around him. I’m an out of sight out of mind kind of person. My Step dad is a nice enough man, he takes care of my mom, sister, and me and I also love him. We get him a gift and a card and celebrate it with him as well. However, he has 5 other biological kids to spend his day with. 
I forgot to send Greg a card, which is my bad, and I’ll just send him a pretty email card or a late real card. Then there is the other technical father person in my life, Victor.
Every time there is an opportunity for Victor to be involved in the adoption or have anything to do with Jude, I ask him straight up, “Do you want to do this?” “How would you feel about this?” “What do YOU want to do while this is happening?” and anything else that would apply to that situation. Victor’s aspergers makes social situations weird enough as it is, add in a kid, which while he likes Jude, is still a kid which makes things super uncomfortable for him. Plus if Jude screams, which I expect him to do, Victor’s hearing might be affected and he might, well as I call them, “have a fit”. This results in him being broody, moody, sulky, and an asshole. Victor knows his limits, lays them out for me and his expectations and what he wants.
So, I asked him about Father’s Day. I asked him: “Do you want to do anything?” No “Do you want a gift?” No “Ok, do you want to be acknowledged at all as a Father that day?” No. It was the answer I expected and I thought that was the end of that, but something weird happened. Victor suddenly became sad and removed. I could tell that he was off some how and I asked him if he was alright. At that moment we had arrived at Red Robin for dinner. He said we would talk about it later. 
Once we put our name in, we went outside to wait for an available table. After a couple of minutes and his mood was still the same. I asked him “Did I make you sad about Father’s day? I’m sorry” He said…(and I quote to the best of my memory)
“No, it wasn’t you. I just don’t think I’m worthy to be a part of father’s day. I just don’t feel like I …..deserve to be called a father. I don’t take care of him. I’m not there for him, and yeah, I don’t take care of him.”
My Heart Broke.
I had never heard anything so……sad, human, parental like, come from Victor. I almost cried right there and then. I honestly didn’t know what to say to that. Victor is a logical person. I could tell him to the moon and back that he is wrong and that while he doesn’t take care of him now, he took care of me when I was pregnant, took care of Jude in the hospital, made the RIGHT decision for Jude’s life, and does far more than what I expected for Jude now than I had ever thought.
So I just told him, that I think he is wrong, but I know he wouldn’t believe me.
Guys, my heart breaks for him.
I wish I could just show him that he’s wrong. He doesn’t have to celebrate father’s day if he doesn’t want to, but dammit he should know that he does count! He tries so hard every time we see Jude to be involved and get along with Katie and Greg. He wants to help me with every project I want to do for Jude. He wants to visit with Jude almost every single visit, despite the fact that originally he planned to not see Jude at all after he was placed. 
I just wish he saw what I saw. 
He broke my heart…again….but for an entirely different reason.

1 comment:

  1. He matters so much. My biological dad is so important to me. While I did not think as much about him as I did my bio mom as a child- once I became an adult I sought him out and have a relationship with him and we are so much alike. Not just looks- we even talk alike- think the same way- and say the same phrases. I hope that you can allow him to grieve in his own way even if you still are thinking you did the right thing- he may not think he did and that is okay to.