Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The Things I Think About

I'm sitting around a large wooden table in a conference room in Salinas. I drove through rain and wind to get here on time. I sit at the end of the table with six other women, two of them birth mothers, one of them an adult adoptee, one them is a birth mom and an adoptee, and the last two women run the meeting. Oddly enough all the birth moms there had sons, like me. They are all older than me, they lived in a different time and society had different views on adoption. They listen to me, the new-girl, explain how I feel, what has gone on since the last time we met, and share pictures. I listen to them say how it gets easier over time, how they dealt/deal with their feelings, their personal experiences, and how they're doing now. Their son's are grown, some with children of their own. The adoptees explain their feelings of anger, abandonment, and fear of meeting their biological parents.

I think about my own experience. I think about how Jude might feel when he's older. Will he hate me? Will he be angry with me for giving him up, for "abandoning" him? Will I be what he expects or wants me to be? I think about how much I miss him and his smile.

I'm sitting in a small room on a couch very low to the ground. I'm talking to my therapist, a petite woman with short hair. She listens to me bitch about my dad and amber and the recent trouble I've gotten in with them. I tell her about my pregnancy and my circle of support. I talk about my mom, Sarah, my friends, and Victor. We talk about school, the weather, and the small details of my life. I reflect on the life I lived, the life I did live, the life I could have lived, and the life I want to live.

I think about the life Jude could have had with me. I think about how we would have lived, the environment he would had grown up in, what I would have had to do to make sure we could live, and how his life would have been. I cry thinking about how grateful I am that I found Katie and Greg. I think about how much I miss him.

I worked all day. I didn't have time to think deeply about Jude. At night, I pack for my three day trip. I fall asleep holding the hospital blanket I stole the day I left. It used to smell like him. It used to smell like newborn baby. I hold it, wishing it still smelled like him.

I think about how much I miss him.

I watched snow fall. I drove to my family's condo in Tahoe alone. It was a long drive and my first time driving in snow. The condo hadn't changed since the last time I had been there. I get myself settled in and watch the snow fall.

I think about inviting Katie and Greg to come up with Jude one time. I think about if they'll teach him skiing or snowboarding. I think about the future he'll have that I wont see. I think about how much I miss him.

I took a tour of UNR. I watched people my age go to class, run fundraising booths for sororities and fraternities, hanging out in the dining commons with friends. All things I should be doing right now in my life. I went back to the condo and went out snowboarding the rest of the day. I rode the best I ever had in my life and ended up with the lower half of my face sunburned. I watched TV the rest of the night. I think about what my life was before I got pregnant.

I think about what I wish my life was like. I think about what my life would have been like if I had never gotten pregnant. I think about how it wouldn't have been the same. I think about how much I miss him.

I went out to my favorite breakfast place, cleaned the condo, and drove home all day. I looked at pictures of him when I got home and watched the short movie I made for him the last night I had him in the hospital. I cried for most of the day.

I think about if I'll ever be able to share my favorite and special places in the world. I think about the last few days and reflect what I thought about. I cry thinking about how much I miss him.

Every day is different. Every day I think about new things. One thing stays the same though. No matter what happens. No matter how happy, sad, angry I may be. No matter how far I travel. I will always think about how much I miss Jude, and more importantly, I will always think about how much I love him.

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