What should I do for Birth Mother's Day this year?

Any thoughts? Suggestions? Ideas? Please Help

Pictures!

I got pictures today from our last visit! I'm a happy birth mom! <3

Replacement

Something horrible has happened this past week.

I have two cats, Juno and Kibo. Juno is more of my mom’s cat. She is social, talkative, and pretty much a small dog. Kibo on the other hand, she’s a stereotypical cat. She ignores you, loves food, and sleeps all day. She doesn’t like anyone in the family…..EXCEPT ME! We don’t know why she does, but she loves me. She have given me kisses, she lets me harass her, and she will sit with me the longest. Her most important and the reason I love her, she knows when I’m sick, upset, or in need of cuddles. She will sit with me for hours, for as long as I want her to sit with me, or she needs something (food, water, etc.).

I love Jude, with all my heart and soul, and no one can ever replace him. Kibo though, is my second baby. She is my love and my angel in so many ways. 

After I had Jude, came home, and sat (and cried); Kibo knew. She sat with me every day I was in bed. Some days longer than others, but everyday for at least 3 hours she was there. For that amount of time, great or small, it was like a break from hell. My biggest problem my first few days out of the hospital (other than the obvious of not having a baby), was that the world kept spinning while I was going throw the worst moment of my life. My mom, sister, Victor, and everyone else who supported me were there as much as they could. They still had lives though, that included school, work, errands, etc. and I understood that, but dammit I just needed the world to stop for me! Kibo though, her world is sleeping and sitting. So while Kibo sat with me, I was able to pretended the world stopped for me.

Now, on to the bad news…..

Last week my baby came how with a smallish cut on her ass area. The next day we let her out and it got BIGGER. It almost looked like something grabbed a bit of her fur and ripped out her hair and skin. After a few days of it not healing we finally took her to the vet. $500, stitches, antibiotics, and a cone later she is home and skittish.

While at the vet today though, my mom told my step dad how much it would cost and he flipped. He started going on how he should just shoot her, let her die, or give her back to the pound. I yelled at him no and told him I would pay for it. He said no, but if something happens to her again it was death or the pound for her. I went into room and cried. I don’t care if I spend thousands of dollars on Kibo. I would make a deal with the devil if it meant I could have her happy and healthy for ever. The thought of her dying makes me physically sick to my stomach. To have him threaten to end her, it just…….I felt like I died a little bit. I lost one baby, I don’t want to loose another.

 Luckily she has all the medication she needs, my mom and me are spoiling her, and we are making sure she is well taken care of.

A Strange Ocurrence

A strange and cool thing happened while I was babysitting yesterday. A little back story on this family first.
I watched a 8-9 year old girl named Hannah* yesterday morning while her parents went out and ran in a race. I've know Hannah and her family since they moved in before Hannah was born. Hannah was adopted and from what I understand the family has a semi-open (or did have, I'm not sure what the situation is now) adoption. They had tried to adopt a second child but after 2 or 3 attempts that led to heart break, they gave up. They are a very nice couple and at first I considered them to adopt Jude. The declined though and said that they were too old to adopt a new born. It all worked out in the end though and they focused on other things in their life.
Hannah is a very smart and straight forward kind of girl. She likes sports, riding her bike, and other more typical girl things. It was 7am, so I wasn't in the best mood to be an active and fun loving baby sitter. Luckily for me, Hannah just wanted to sit around and watch a movie. Later we made some food, attempted to make pudding (that never set for some reason), and went out for a walk/bike ride. Some time during all of that, she turned to me and asked:
"So, who was Jude adopted to?"
I was really thrown off. Not many kids ask me questions like that. Mainly because not many kids that I watch know that I was pregnant. Also because they don't care, which is understandable because, duh, there just kids. Not only that, but I didn't really know that  Hannah knew about my whole  situation. I didn't want to drill her with questions on how she knew about Jude and such, so I just answered her question as simply as I could.
I didn't know that Hannah had knew about adoption. I didn't want to ask if she knew that she was adopted, because she might not have and then that would have been extremely bad. It's refreshing though to see a child be open and curious about things around them though, and its more refreshing for me to see a child interested in my adoption. Even if it was one question, its a question I like to answer and inform people about. I want to educate others on adoption and even my adoption experience if they want to know.
It was one question, but it meant a lot to me. 

Visit 3/3/12

This last weekend I had a wonderful visit with Jude, Katie and Greg! Before I get into this visit though, I need to share some back story so you understand my mind set during this visit.

A month or two ago I had a sort of a revelation or ephifany. This is really hard for some people to understand, so lets hope it goes well here.

I am very happy with where Jude is. I don't want him back. I don't want to raise him in anyway. He is better off with Katie and Greg and I am better off without Jude. I love getting pictures, updates, and visits. I never ever want to stop seeing him. I love him more than anything else in the world and would be thrilled if, when he's older, he would like to spend a weekend with me or even invite me to special events.  However, I'm fully aware that I am not his mother and I'm not going to pretend that I am. I gave birth to him. I will always love him like he is my son. I will always be there for him if or when he needs me. My mothering "duties" stop there. I'm not the one who wakes up with him when he gets sick in the middle of the night. I am not the one who will make him sandwiches for school. I'm not the one who will ground him for crashing the car. I will also not be the one who will get mothers day cards, watch him graduate from college, and drill the girl he brings home to marry. That is not a role I am meant to play in his life and I am happy that I won't be able to play that role. I have the opportunity to play a different role all together and I am perfectly excited about it.

Now that we have gotten that straight, I'll tell you about the visit.

We decided to go to the beach the day before. Victor was unsure if he had wanted to go to the beach with us, but he knew he wanted to see Jude. I asked Katie and Greg if we could have lunch before hand and they happily agreed. When I told my parents this, they got their big puppy eyes out and asked if they could come too. I couldn't say no to them, but honestly I just didn't want them to come that visit. It messed up a lot of different things. 1). That many people and people that he knows hates him (my stepdad especially) sets off his Aspergers and he becomes very quiet and anti-social. 2). I made it seem like it would only be me and Victor at the lunch and then all of a sudden two more people are there. 3). Because of its short notice I didn't have time to inform Victor's parents that Jude was coming for a visit. The adoption was hard on them too and I know for sure that at least Victor's mom would have liked to see him. It just sucks that my parents have the advantage of being right next to me when they hear Jude is in town. 

As stressed as I was though, lunch went by well. Victor interacted with Jude a bit. My parents talked to Greg and Katie. Victor and I really just talked to each other. I gave them their christmas presents and watched Jude build with blocks. My step dad even talked to Vlad for a bit about transferring to schools. At one point it got to be too much for Victor and he went outside, but other than that it was great. Later, after the visit, I told Victor about our day and he had said it wished it had gone differently because he felt like he didn't get the kind of visit he wanted because of all the stress and his Asperger's caused. 

After lunch, Katie, Greg, Jude, and I drove to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. We talked, walked along the pier, went in the water some. Jude and I played in the water, Katie and Greg did as well, but not at much because they weren't dress appropriately. We stayed there for a couple of hours. We changed Jude into a different outfit and got some stuff to eat. I went to the best candy store ever. Jude ate some Mum-mums and watermelon. Katie had cucumbers and pineapple and Greg ate a deep fried twinkie. Then we drove back to my house and parted ways from their. I don't know when our next visit is, but it doesn't matter. The whole time I was there I kind of felt like their nanny or like their family friend, but I was totally cool with it. They are both roles I'm good at playing and I like playing.

I was so happy to see them all. Jude has grown so much! He's starting to talk and babble. He can say Mama, dada, and hot. He walks and runs pretty well. Can built up blocks and knock them down. Sleeps through the night and eats all of his food. He has just started to throw tantrums, but they last two minutes at most. His favorite show is Yo Gabba Gabba! and he likes shoes. He looks like and acts most like Victor. He has so many physical traits that Victor has. Their eyes, their facial expressions, their swirl on the back of their head. Their both not morning people, eat almost anything, and sleep like the dead. Oh, my boys, my two favorite boys. 

 Until next time :)

Mother Wonder

So, in my last post I talked about the “What ifs” and said that the only thing I could possibly know about the future was what kind of mother I would be. Well, I have been thinking about that a lot lately for multiple reasons. One, my neighbor just had a baby a few days ago. Two, I’ve already started thinking about Jude’s birthday present. Three, I have a visit with Jude soon and that always makes me think of him more.

I thought I would share my views and thoughts on parenting with you lovely folks (because I know you all care so much). Really though, I’m doing this more for my self, so that when I’m like 30 and really do have my own kids, I can read this and either see that I stuck with my views or laugh at my younger naive self. 

Lets make some assumptions though because I have no REAL idea of how future me is going to be like. Lets assume that when I do have kids; I have no monetary limit and I have a supportive husband.

FURNITURE

I know I need to buy things like a crib, changing table, a swing, a stroller, and a car seat. But I hate the idea of buying something that doesn’t grow with the child and after a year I would need to get rid of it because its too small. I personally think its stupid. I would buy as much as possible with the ability to grow with the child. I’m not sure if I would want a crib, but like a small bed with a fence around it or something. I’d use a dresser with one of those padding used in a changing table on top or the floor.

There was this company that I found that I loved called Stokke. They make products that grow with the child, like their bed is made for birth until 10 yrs. old. Their high chair is made to last all stages of life, birth until death. Amazing, cool, and expensive, but if that crib/bed would last me 10 years then its worth it. Anything I couldn’t buy that would grow with the baby, I would buy second hand stuff. There is a wonderful world of Goodwill and Salvation Army out there, why not use them to full advantage?

BEHAVIOR

This covers everything from sleeping, eating, play time, scheduling, etc. I’m going to make this short and to the point because some of these we can go on and on about.

• Sleep - Baby sleeping in its own space. No Co-sleeping what so ever. I toss and turn and sleep on top pillows and it would just be bad. 
• Eating - Love meat, love veggies, love sugar, love fast food; In short I love food. I want to my children to love and experience food too. Not too much of the bad stuff and definitely try different cultures food
• Crying - I’m a big believer in babies cry for no reason some times. Letting them cry it out sometimes is, in my mind, is ok. I mean I wouldn’t do this for twenty minutes, but for five is reasonable. If i’m doing something like taking out the trash or taking a shower and the baby starts crying. I finish taking the trash out and I finish washing what ever I was washing, then go get the baby. 
• Scheduling - I want this baby/kid on a somewhat flexible schedule. I want it to become more strict as he/she gets older, but not too strict.

OTHER

• I am vaccinating my children.
• C-section and drugs all the way when it comes to child birth.
• I am sending them to day care, even if its for one day a week.
• I want to be a stay at home mom while they are in preK-5th grade, then go back to work after that.
• I will tell them, when their old enough and/or if Jude is in our lives, that Jude is their family and how he’s my birth son and all that.
• I think I would use both cloth and disposable diapers.

Now this is all assuming I’m at an appropriate age to have a kid and all my ducks are in a row, so to speak. If I would have kept Jude or had another baby now, things would be totally different. I would just need to get by with whatever I can. I would have to work most of my day, buy everything second hand, and not have much help from Victor. There are too many factors to determine how I would be. I only know one thing that I would definitely do as a teen parent.

If I was teen or young adult, like I am now, I would give up EVERYTHING and ALMOST any thing that would be something a typical teenager would do. As far as I’m concerned, being a teenager is a privilege and a relatively new one at that. I lost the privilege to go out and drink, do drugs (if I ever did do any), go out with friends randomly, and other teenage things, the moment the second pink line appeared. You can’t have the lifestyle of a teenager and a mom symotantiously. 

I love kids and definitely want at least one more in the near future, but for now I’m happy with the life I’m living. Lets see if ten years from now, if I still accept these parenting views or not.

Authors Note: In the famous words of India Arie “Don’t be offended, this is all my opinion, ain’t nothin’ that I’m saying law”. In other words, nothing I say is fact just my opinion. If you don’t like what I’m saying, you can stop reading.

There is a Hole in my Body

When I gave Jude up and left the hospital, I was devistated. I literally felt a hole in my heart. A piece of me was missing from my heart and sometimes it felt like I had a hole in my chest. There was no pain. Just a hole in my chest. I could feel the skin dip down into my chest and I couldn’t feel that area where the hole was.

That feeling went away though. The hole never did go away though, nor do I think it will. The feeling went away though and I could function.

That feeling came back. It was random. I wasn’t sad, I just felt like I was missing something. That something wasn’t right in my life and I missed Jude. The hole in my chest came back and it stayed there for a night.

I wasn’t sad. I didn’t cry. I didn’t pine for a fantasy. I just missed my birth son and wanted to hold him. 

The hole was gone the next morning. The hole is gone now.

I wonder how long it will stay gone?

The "What if" Factor

What if?

Its the big question in life. Trying to guess if the things you didn’t do are regrets or good choices. To a birth mom its a huge question.

What if I had kept my baby? 

Its a big thing to contemplate. I used to think about it all the time in the begging of the adoption and often during pregnancy. So many things to consider. So many things would change and be completely different. 

What If I had Kept Jude?

• What would my life be like?
• Would I be happy? Would Jude be happy?
• What kind of mom would I have been?
• How would Jude turn out with Victor and I as parents?
• What would Victor’s role be in our lives?
• Where would we have lived?
• What would my parents think?
• What would Victors parents think?
• Would I have been able to go to school?
• and the list goes on and on…..

I don’t think about this question as much anymore. It crosses my mind every once in a while, usually caused by a parenting tip or opinion I read somewhere. I can’t change the past, so why think about a life that doesn’t exist?

I can’t help but wonder though and I’m sure other Birth Moms do as well sometimes, What if? 

I Hate Everything

Seriously though, I'm every where today. UP then Down, distracted then focus, happy then sad, sexy then ugly. I'm just one big mess. I don't really know what to do. Its why I haven't really wrote anything. Over the last few weeks I have been sick, got a concussion, got a guinea pig (:D!), and all sorts of other stuff. So this week, I'm just gonna update all you all on the adoption over the last few weeks because I am clearly not sane right now.

So, a couple weeks ago, I found out Katie and Greg had moved. A big surprise to me! I was pissed, 1/4 of the reason because this violates our legal contract, but since they moved like two blocks away from their old house, I didn't really care. 3/4 of the reason because I had sent their christmas presents to their old address. I went to the post office last week and they told me that who ever was at that house, took the package and signed for it and stuff. Greg called the new tennants at the old house and they swear they didnt get a package. Liars
-____-

So I re-bought everything and I will give it to them at our next visit. I'm super bummed I had to re-buy everything, but I cant just let Jude have no christmas present! He's too cute not to get anything. :P

Speaking of which, our next visit will be in March some time. My dad has let me use the family beach house for my birthday (I'll be 21 in February), but the house is being used on my birthday, so I will be using it one weekend in March. I invited Katie, Greg, and Jude to stay with me while I'm down there. They'll probably hang out for a day or so, and I couldn't be more excited.

Other than that, nothing really else to report. Victor seems more involved in wanting to know more about Jude and enjoying looking at pictures of him. I'm not really sure if its a phase or maybe Victor is having some emotional issues with the adoption and I just don't know about them yet. Whatever the reason, I'm happy he's more involved and worried he going through something he isn't telling me.

Until next time followers

The Playlist: I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz

Ok, so I just got this song like one day ago. I didn't really listen to it, but I like Jason Mraz a lot so I knew I would like this song. I just listened to it like a half an hour ago in the car, and (I shit you not) I was almost in tears. I was trying so hard not to cry because I was on my way to see Victor for the first time in a month and I didn't want him to see me like that.

So I held it together, but Oh My Goodness this song reminded me so much of the adoption! It reminded me of my feels during the adoption, my feelings now, and how much I wonder what kind of relationship Jude and I will have in the future. Its just like....Wow.

Its a love song some of the parts don't really apply, but overall its one of my new favorite songs. 

"I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz

Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmm ...

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up