I am Infanite

Happy New Year Everyone!
I hope it is a good one for everyone. Its the time of year where we make promises or resolutions to our selves and (most often not) go through with them. Now I'm realistic and also know that things change every day, so I don't make resolutions. If I do, then there horribly vague. Like, "It would be nice if I tried to loose some weight this year". This year though, I guess, is different.
It started a month ago. After a bit of mental deliberation and some inner soul searching I guess I found out my big problem in life and was finally able to express it to my therapist.
I never feel like I'm good enough for anyone. I have no self worth.
This has been a problem my whole life. Through other peoples actions and words, whether they mean to or not, they have made me feel worthless. For most of my life, I believe them and begin to think that I'm not good enough for them, or anyone else really. They're are people who have effected it more than others.
Victor was a big one. He was and is a big part of my life. I've known him since 7th grade, dated him for 7 years, had a baby with him, went through an adoption with him, and he has become my best friend. I tried very hard to be the best girlfriend ever. He was my first everything. I loved him with all my heart. Then out of no where he decided he didn't love me anymore. I felt like I died that day. A month later I was pregnant, and any kind of mourning I needed to do was put on the back burner. Jude became my priority and Victor and I's non-relationship was not important. After the adoption was final, I had to deal with the emotions from the adoption. Again, the non-relationship took a back seat. It wasn't until about 5 months after the adoption, that Victor had told me he met some one new and was in love. Needless to say, I flipped out and dove into a jealous, angry, depressed, resentful mess. I had to deal with the adoption, the non-relationship, and anything else that was going on at that time.
I just kept thinking to my self; what did I do wrong? Maybe I didn't try hard enough, Maybe I needed to be better at sex, Maybe I should have nagged less. I tried so hard to make Victor happy. I still try very hard to make Victor happy. I know he appreciates it and he tries as well to make me happy. No matter what though, He makes me feel worthless. He doesn't hit me or insult me. In fact he's one of the few people that tells me I'm beautiful almost every single day. I look at him sometimes, and I'm reminded of the failure of our relationship and how I wasn't enough for him.
My parents are another big one. My sister and I have this running joke, we have four parents (1 mom, 1 dad, 1 stepmom, and 1 stepdad) and we still didn't get any good ones. Our mom is really the best of them all. She has been understanding with my situation and has tried her best to make living at home (again) easy for me, because she knows I absolutely hate it. It wasn't easy though growing up in her house. To many changes happened to her that lead to crappy things and I was a victim of the crappy outcomes. When my mom married my stepdad, it made me really wonder why she wasn't happy with our lives the way it was before? When it was just the three of us. I had always thought we were happy, but I guess there are two sides to every story.
My stepdad was and still is no easy person to live with. I like to think of him as a really stale nut. The shell is extremely hard, but inside is the good part. He has been very nice to me and Sarah as we grew up and has certainly been a better dad to us at times than our real dad is, but he has a lot of characteristics that make him unbearable at times. He's loud (if yelling were a sport, he'd be world champ), set in his ways, needs things to be done now and a certain way, and thinks very highly of him self and a few others. I also fine him rude and moronic at times. He can make me feel inadequate on a daily bases. For Instance, the other day I had eaten breakfast, gone to work, and shopped afterwards, leading me to be gone most of the day. When he got home though he asked me if I had left the butter out. I said I guess I had. Then he said, and I quote, "Well don't do that. I think thats very immature of you and I know you can be a better person than that." ...... Ok then. If its not this then its another thing; not putting my dishes away immediately or leaving a light on means I have no sense of responsibility. Asking to make cookies before dinner means I don't care about what others need to do. Cutting up my meat before I eat it means that I am childish and not a "lady". Like I said, its always something.
My stepmom and Dad are just.........well, some what crappy people. My dad has never let me think I'm worth much to him. I think thats one of the outcomes of being a bastard though. When my dad and stepmom had there own kids though, they became more involved in their lives, than with Sarah and mines. I guess in retrospect this is what should happen, because my siblings lived with my dad and Sarah and I didn't, but regardless it still hurt. What was the real icing on the cake was when I found out I was pregnant. My stepmom had decided I was being selfish by continuing to be pregnant instead of getting an abortion and I guess my dad believed her or something. Honestly, I don't know what my dad thought. They told me they didn't want anyone on that side of the family to know, so don't tell them. They also told me that they didn't want my, at that time, 8 and 11 year old brother and sister to know either, so they told me not to some over to their house or visit them until I was no longer pregnant. I am also not allowed to talk about the pregnancy, Jude, or the adoption to this day. As far as I know, my brother and sister still don't know that I ever was pregnant. You can imagine how I felt when they told me all this. The biggest fear for any kid is hearing that there mom or dad doesn't or love them anymore, well that was them telling me that they didn't want me anymore.
The last big one is Jude. Jude, my sweet baby boy, has done nothing directly to me to make me feel worthless. I love him more than anything else in the world and I do not regret my decision to stay pregnant, have him, and give him up for adoption in anyway. I had to give him up though because I knew I couldn't take care of him. In theory a mother should be able to take care of her baby, and I couldn't. I wouldn't have been able to give him the life I thought he deserved. Not being able to take care of him, not being able to be a mother to him, is what makes me feel worthless.
I know this is sounding depressing, but bare with me because it gets better.
I've decided that this is no longer acceptable. I am not worthless dammit! I have done some amazing things in my short 21 years of life and no one; not a boy, family, friends, or who ever should be able to tear me down. So my New Years resolution is to gain some self worth.
Victor was an amazing relationship that I don't regret. But he is not the only boy out there. No boy, no matter how amazing I think he is, should make me feel worthless. I start with by forgiving my self. I tried my hardest, but for what ever reason our love didn't work out. It's not my fault, its not Victors fault. It just is. I'm sincerely happy that Victor has found some one new and I hope he finds happiness with this person. As for me, maybe if I forgive my self for this, I can find happiness with some one new too.
My parents can try to tear me down if they like. By either making snide comments on how I "should" act or whether they don't say anything at all about a big part of my life, but it wont work. I'm going to start commenting back. This is my life and I should be able to do what makes me happy, whether it is cutting my meat into little pieces or being able to talk about Jude. If this makes me "rude", "disrespectful", and possibly even a "bitch", then so be it. I wont let you verbally hurt me anymore.
Adoption was really the best thing for Jude. I may have not been able to be a mother to him, but I gave him what he needed. I see mothers who can't do that for their kids when they do keep them. I made damn well sure Jude is taken care of and loved. Which he is, by his parents, by me and Victor, by my family, and Victor's family. He will never be unwanted, neglected, or unloved.
To help me, I have my infinity necklace.

I will remind my self of this everyday until I can look in the mirror and say to my self, "I am worth something. If not to others than to my self." I am strong, compassionate, beautiful, funny, and smart. I am infinitely better than I think I am. I am infinitely amazing.
Today, I start loving my self. Today, I become worthy of my self and others.
Happy New Years
May 2012 be as amazing as you all are

Ho Ho Holiday Emotions

So guess what….The holidays are here! No shit right? Seriously though, its a time for family, good will towards people, and giving and receiving. For me though, it means stress and family traditions. I’ve been super busy getting presents for everyone, wrapping them, and working. Then I have to worry about making sure I spend enough time with my moms family and my dads. On top of all that, Victor is in Germany until January 9th and any free time I have will be boring :/.

The holidays are always the worst when it comes to the adoption as well. Last year, the first christmas of the adoption, I was a wreck. I didn’t want to do anything and I spent any free time crying. I also semi-dramatically left christmas eve mass crying because I couldn’t handle my emotions.

This year, I have been handling everything pretty well. I sent Jude, Katie, and Greg’s gift off a few days ago and hopefully they will like them. I’ve been making my Nana a scrapbook of Jude’s pictures and hopefully soon, I will be working on Victors present (which is a stuffed animal of Rainbow Dash from My Little Pony: Friendship is magic, yes Victor is a Brony). There are only a few moments when I really wish I could see Jude, Katie, and Greg for the holidays.

Christmas time is a time for family traditions and sometimes I wish I could share those with Jude. Every Year my mom would buy us ordainments with the year on them. I wanted to try to do the same thing with Jude, so last year I bought Jude an ordainment. However this year I have been so busy with work and school that I forgot until just now…..literally as I was writing this *Face -> Palm*. I could try to put something together, but honestly maybe it is better that I let his actual parents buy him ordainments. I might send one every once in a while, but I think I need to let him and his family make their own traditions. 

Family get togethers are another hard one, but easy at the same time. I wish he was there and that everyone could see him, but at the same time I know my family…… its a good thing he isn’t around some of them.

The last thing is the fact that I don’t see him at all during the holidays. I honestly just didn’t think about it when we drew up the contract. So I just planned for his birthday and mine. But today I got asked if I was going to see him during the holidays. Its not a ridiculous question, in theory I should try to see Jude, Katie, and Greg for christmas what with them being family and all. But we have no plans to do so. I could ask Katie and Greg if they had some free time and meet them in the city next to their town, but I don’t even have time to go to Los Gatos, the town (and I shit you not) two minutes away from my house! Not only that, but what if they say no or I make them feel awkward? Could I handle the rejection of them saying No? I would feel horribly guilty if they agreed to seeing me but felt awkward for doing so. Its just a lot to think about.

I haven’t cried once though. I guess I’m just not sad anymore and that is so relieving in so many different ways. I hope Jude, Katie, and Greg have a wonderful Christmas and New Years together.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and New Years filled with love and happiness!

<3 

Secret Confession 1

I don’t really have anything to say this week so I thought I would post a secret to keep things interesting.

Here’s the first one…..

I sleep with one of Jude’s spit up rags every night. Some times I hold it, sometimes I just sleep with it under my pillow. It never leaves my bed though, and if any one sleeps in my bed for what ever reason, I put it some where else so that persons smell will not get to it. I have not and will not ever wash it.

Depressed Much?

Alright, so I’ve been wondering lately if I’m becoming or still am “clinically depressed”. I only put quotations around those words because I know that I am depressed as in just plain sad sometimes, and that I don’t have a chemical imbalance (that I know of) going on. I also believe in post-pardum depression and was diagnosed with it shortly after I gave birth. Personally, I don’t think I had post-pardum but I did know that I was depressed because of the adoption and “losing” a baby. My mood and mental state were only getting worse by the day, and so I went along with my doctor and started taking Anti-depressants.

I was on them for about 6 months. Then one day I got REALLY REALLY REALLY sick and couldn’t drink water with out it coming back up, let alone a pill. I was sick for like three days and after then I never really took the pills again.

Recently though I’ve been really worried that I’ve had to go back on. I’ve been really weepy. I cry at all the commericials that are horribly sad. Soldiers coming home, Sarah McLaughlin telling me I’m a crappy person because I don’t adopt all the animals in the world, and especially the trailer for Titanic 3D (Damn you Celine Dion!). I realize this also could mean I’m not a heartless person, but depression was the first thing that came to mind.

Well, I went to my therapist last week and I told her what I think. She asked me how I’ve been eating and sleeping, what my mood has been like, and what have I been doing. Everything has been normal. She told me that she doesn’t think that I need to go back on the anti-depressants.

That was such a reilf for me. I don’t want to go back on my pills. I’m just so done being sad over the whole adoption. My life has moved forward and I’m happy with the adoption as it is. The only thing that ever really makes me sad is how much I miss Jude, but thats to be expected and that sadness doesn’t run my life. I don’t want to go back to the horribly depressed state that I was in when I first gave Jude up.

Don’t get me wrong, I needed to be on anti-depressants after I gave Jude up. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I cried all the time, and I just wanted to sleep. Sadly, life goes on no matter what mood your in. I needed to work on school, get a job, and just start trying to put myself back together. My anti-depressants helped me through that. However, it was never my intention to stay on them for a long time. I didn’t want to stay on them for a long time.

I know some people need that and I support them, but I didn’t and don’t have a chemical imbalance. I don’t need to be on them for the rest of my life and honestly, I’m glad I don’t. I’m happy I could work through the last bit of my depression by my self and find my own happiness that way. I know I’m still a long way from being put back together, because my life was shattered in so many different ways, but I do know that I am taking crucial steps to getting there.

I guess its true what they say, It’s always darkest before the dawn…..

The Playlist: Shake It Out by Florence + The Machine

I thought I would try a video this week for the hell of it. This song goes along with this weeks post. This is for those who have gone through the worse or is going through it and come out the other side a champion! We are strong! We are brave! and yes, we can make through.

Remember, it's always darkest before the dawn....

November: National Adoption Month! :D

Because its National Adoption Month, I thought I would post about how I talk about my adoption and how I try to inform people about adoption.

I talk about Jude and the adoption a lot in my life. Obviously I blog about him, I talk about him to my friends, Victor and I always talk about him, and I brag about him to my friends and employers. I don’t do just that though, when I can I try to inform others about adoption and if they ask my personal adoption experience.

I’ve had two informative speeches so far at school, I’ve done both of them on adoption/the adoption process. Both times I have I have used my self and Jude as an example of adoption. I got A’s on both of those presentations (yay me!). I love talking to people about adoption. I also would love to help people through the adoption process.

I’ve decided that I want to become an adoption social worker. My dream and what I really would want to do is create (own, direct, run, etc.) my own pregnant teen home place, except bigger. Like a camp area, with out the camping part of it. Does that make sense? Hopefully it does. I want to help other pregnant girls figure out that maybe adoption is the right choice for them and help them go through that process. If they change their minds in the end, that’s OK, I want to help them figure out what they need to do next.

I have this awesome plan inside my head, and for what ever reason the plan for the actual building is a cross between the Winchester Mystery House, The Cinderella Castle from Disneyland, and Hogwarts. I have no idea why, just is, but regaurdless it will be awesome and I will help people.

It would be super cool if I could write a book about my adoption experience, but I don’t think it would be very popular. Unfortunately, not many books on adoption experiences are popular. :/

I’m proud to say I’m a birth mom. I’m pretty sure Katie and Greg are happy to be adoptive parents. Hopefully, Jude will one day feel open enough to say he was adopted to a loving family. Its a triangle we create with love as the connectors.

Happy National Adoption Month Everyone!

To everyone apart of the adoption triangle; BE PROUD AND STAY AWESOME!

Regrets

I always have one person or another asking me "Do you regret  putting your baby up for adoption?".  I have always said "No, I don't. Nor do I think I ever will. I did what's best for my son and that's what matters". I still know that to be fully true. The only possibly way that it could change is if Katie and and Greg become horrible abusive and cruel, but Hell has a better chance of freezing over than that ever happening.

After looking back on a year though and reflecting on the events that passed, there are a few things I did or didn't do that I regret.

The biggest regret I have is not being more pregnant happy. There are only maybe 10 pictures of me pregnant. Like 7-8 of them are of my stomach and two of them are of my face from Lilith Fair (I was around 5 months pregnant when I went, so thats like half counts). I had a 4-d ultrasound but only because I figured it would be nice for Katie and Greg to have some kind of pregnancy interaction. They loved it by the way, and it was kinda cool to go. I did a scrap book after he was born, but never a baby book. Some of those questions in their were just not appropriate for my situation. For instance....

"What was your partners reaction when you told him you were pregnant?"
He swore profusely in every room of his house and started ranting about how he "can't do this"


......... Yeah, that's something I really want to remember.

Looking back on it now, I wish I had done some more pregnant happy stuff. I wish I took month by month picture, done a pregnancy photo shoot, maybe get a tacky papermache stomach thing done. Hell, I even want to do a baby book. The problem with that though is they usually go beyond birth and I can't really put anything there. This is a lesson well learned and the next time I get pregnant I'm doing all sorts of pregnancy happy things.

The second thing I regret is being very hands off when it came to Victors involvement in the pregnancy. I know he tried his best and I'm really grateful that he was even involved at all, but there were some things I think I could have asked more of. The big one is his being there at the hospital. The last day, the "goodbye" day he left to go to school, and I told him he could. I didn't want to force him to be somewhere he didn't want to be, and I didn't think he wanted to be there. Him not being there though, was probably the worst thing he has ever done to me though (and that's including our break-up which was pretty bad). I know I told him to go and because of his autism, he actually took it as "its ok to go". When I was trying to say, "Please stay. I need you". I almost wish secret girl code wasn't secret so guys could know things with out us having to tell them. *sigh* Oh, well. I told (well, yelled) at Victor later about this and he's apologized multiple times, but I don't think I can forgive him on this one.

The last big thing is I wish I had more time alone at the hospital with Jude. Katie and Greg, Family (thiers and mine), and friends were there all the time, and really I didn't have time to breathe. Don't get me wrong, I loved that they were there to support me, the adoption, Katie and Greg, and Jude. I would probably do it that way with the next baby, minus the adoption part obviously. I just........wanted more time. Then again, there is never really enough time for a situation like this, is there?

I choose the options I did though for these three things, knowing that I would maybe regret these decisions later. Why? There is one big flaw with these regrets. All of these things I regret are all things that fall on a very thin line. The line between giving the baby up for adoption and becoming attached and keeping the baby. All of these regrets and decisions on how to deal with the pregnancy and the baby teeter on that line.

Maybe If I had spent more time with Jude in the hospital, I would have gotten attached and not given him up. Maybe the more pregnant happy I got, the more baby happy I would become, and that would lead to choosing to keep the baby. If Victor was more involved I would get a warped sense of reality and thing that we could actually function as a family. These may all be "What If's" but the are HUGE "what if's". These "What If's" would have changed my life, Jude's life, Katie and Greg's, Victors, and so many other peoples lives! I loved that baby I grew in my stomach, I loved the little baby I held in my arms moments after he was born, and I love the little toddler he's growing up to be. He was my world and still is and I knew he deserved so much better than me.

I quiet honestly can't tell you what would have happened if I went back and re-did all the things I regret. I can tell you though, that while I do have small regrets, it came with the huge reward of knowing my son is so much better off. 

The Birthday Party

On the 16th, the day after Jude’s birthday, Katie and Greg came over with Jude and I threw him a birthday party. Katie and Greg gave me the OK at our last visit, so since then I have been planning party for Jude. I invited a bunch of family and friends to come hang out with us. Victor’s parents and youngest brother came over and that was ….. nerve racking but fun and good. I’m not as good about sending them pictures than I should be and I always feel horrible about it. Having them come to the party was good for Jude and for them. It was the first time they had seen him since the hospital.

That was the case with about half of the people there. The other half were meeting him for the first time. My sister couldn’t come. She’s in Reno for college and doesn’t have a car. We video chatted like ten minutes after Jude came over and she showed him the socks she got him for his birthday (but didn’t send yet). She also called me that night and asked how the party went and stuff. 

Jude, Katie, and Greg came over an hour early so me, my mom, and step dad could have some time alone with Jude. It was the first time my mom and step dad had seen Jude since the hospital. They looked happy and they looked sad as well. I know the feeling and it was sort of the theme of the day. It’s a happy and joyful occasion, but at the same time your sad because you know that after this day he leaves again. 

Poor Jude had a cold and no nap that day, but did amazingly well. He only cried once, and that’s when he walked into a wall. He’s developing so well. He has 11 teeth, he’s walking and running, he’s says “dada” and other syllables, he’s the right height and weight for his age group. He has big feet, they have to special order his shoes because he’s not walking enough for hard sole shoes. So they have to special order the soft sole shoes.

The party went really well. People talked with each other, they ate food, Victor’s brother and Jude played with each other, and everyone just watched Jude walk around. They would try to hold him, kiss him, and find things for him to do. I made cupcakes instead of a cake. I made marble cupcakes (from scratch) with two different whipped cream frostings. I made two different because the first one I made tasted weird to me because it had a cream cheese base and turns out I don’t like cream cheese. So I used up the rest of the heavy cream and made traditional whipped cream. Jude ate his all up and got it all over him self. Everyone else seemed to enjoy theirs as well. I know I liked mine.

We opened presents after that. Jude recieved some very nice gifts. He got a blanket, a set of board books, a wooden fire truck, a pull-along wooden train, a toy box (from Victor and I), and some clothes. He had two other parties before mine, so he probably has A LOT of toys. Now though he has a toy box to put them in.

All in all, it was a wonderful day. The sun was shinning, it was a comfortable temperature, and everyone had a good time; even Victor who had spent most of the party in my room on his computer. He was good though, and came out and socialized every once in a while and took “family” photos with me and Jude. Katie and Greg left shortly after everyone else left. We took some more pictures, made sure they had everything they came with, and said our goodbyes. I’ll see him again most likely in Feburary for my birthday. I told Katie and Greg how much I appreciate them and how grateful I was to have been able to do this. Not only that but I was the dunce and forgot to take any pictures, luckily Greg (being the photographer he is) brought in his camera and started taking pictures. They have no idea how much I love them and appreciate them.

Some of my friends from Monterey stayed later, and we just sat around and talked until they needed to leave. Then I helped clean up a bit, and eventually left. I was house sitting that night, but before I went over there I went with Victor to go get food. He wanted Carls Jr. and I wanted Miky D’s, so we went to both. As he was getting his food, I stayed in the car and listened to music. I plugged in my ipod and played some of Jude’s playlist. The first song that comes on is Jude’s song. “The Only Exception” by Paramore. I start singing along and all of a sudden, I start crying. Victor gets back in the car and he turns down my music. He asks me if I’m OK, and I lie and say I’m fine. Then I lean is and give him a hug and start crying again.

Maybe I needed to cry. It wasn’t for long, maybe five minutes at most. I wasn’t sad, or maybe I was. It wasn’t like I was mourning the baby I was giving up. I wasn’t mourning the adoption or anything. It was more of just an over dramatic “Wow, its been a year.” Victor held me for a long, even after I stopped crying. The adoption is hard on him too, maybe he needed a hug just as much as I did. 

Wow, its been a year already. I can’t wait to see what the next year brings me. :)

Looking Back On One Year

This time last year was different. Last year at this time I was 19, taking online classes at the community college (and failing miserably I might add), working as a part time babysitter a few hours a day, and more importantly 39 weeks pregnant.

It was around 9:30 on a sunny Friday morning in mid October, that I was told that my baby was developed enough that I wanted, he could be born today. I agreed and that night, October 15th, 2010 at 6:23pm I had a beautiful baby boy, who was later named Jude.
On October 19th, 2010 Victor, Jude's father, and I signed adoption papers relinquishing Jude to the best adoptive parents we could have picked for him, Katie and Greg.

Today is October 15th, 2011. Which means exactly one year has passed. Jude is one year old today. So many things have changed in a year. I'm one year older, I go to school at the community college (and passing!), I've worked a few different jobs but now I'm a housekeeper and nanny for multiple families, and more importantly I'm the proud birth mother of a one year old son. With great change comes many lessons learned and knowledge gained, and boy howdy I've learn a lot.

I've learned that I'm a lot stronger person now, than I have ever been in my previous 19 years of life. I have been to hell and back for the last year and 9 months and I'm still here. I survived dammit! No one can take that away from me. I refuse the let anyone try to take that away from me.

I've learned that there is a greater love out in the world than I could have ever imagined. I found that love the moment I laid my eyes on Jude. My love for Jude will never go away. No matter what the distance. No matter what the circumstances will be. He is the love of my life, the reason I strive to be a better person and work hard for a better life, and the reason I grew up. Nothing or no one can or will change that.

I have learned who in my family I can really count on and which of my "friends" are really my friends. Which one's I can trust to be by my side in my hour of need and support me anyway they can. The ones that stayed I love even more now and I owe then so much gratitude. They have no idea how much I appreciate them.


Being a birth mom has taught me a few things as well. I got all sorts of advice on how to go through my depression, how to handle my adoption, and what to do when (insertsituation here). Here's what I think are the biggest things I have learned through my experience.

No matter how sure you are of your decision, no matter how much you love the adoptive family your giving your baby too, and no matter how much you coach yourself before hand, giving that baby up will be the hardest thing you have ever done. You will be depressed. You will cry, sob, bawl, and possibly scream, wishing you could take your baby back. It goes away eventually; the pain and the tears. This is natural and even needed, just don't expect everything to be fine afterwards. Then you get frustrated that your not OK, which makes you even more upset and then it just becomes a vicious cycle.


Find Birth mom friends as soon as you can. Whether its through a support group,coincidence, or Tumblr. I became a much better person when I met other birth moms, and they have helped me so much. I wish I would have met them sooner. I reallyappreciate them and couldn't have made it through with out them. 

Help is very important. Go find it! Support groups, one on one therapy, blogging, arts and crafts, anti-depressants, anything that will help. No one expects you to do this alone. Help is a good thing, and there are many people out there who want to make sure that you come out happy in the end.

The most important thing (AND I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH!!!!) is that.....it will get better. People always would tell me that "Don't worry it gets better with time". Birth moms, friends, family, and even people from the blog. They always told me that "It will get better". I would think "How can it get better?" or "I know it gets better and I know the world keeps spinning and blah blah blah. I just want this horrible part to be over!" It turns out, they were right. Things get better. You don't know how it happens or even really when it happens. All of a sudden your thrown back into the world and you become so caught up in life that you find your self feeling better. It's a wonderful feeling. It's the start of you feeling like you again.

So, today, on my son's first birthday, I'm frantically cleaning the house and buying decorations for a party I'm throwing for him tomorrow. I'm reflecting on the fact that a year has gone by. I'm blogging for you lovely people. The oddest of them all, I'm not crying. I don't think I will. Today is nothing more than a happy beautiful day. Tomorrow is an exciting fun day. From their another year of adventures begin.

Happy Birthday Jude

I Love You

Representations

I have lots of things around my room and stuff that reminds me of Jude. It was bound to happen. “Real” moms have momentos of their babies, children, teenagers, adults. Mostly through pictures and drawings. Some have scrapbooks, left over baby clothes and blankets, old toys, and hospital papers. Over time though those things can be seen as junk because those moms have the memories and the actual experience to back those mementos up. Birth Moms, our representations and things that remind us of our kids and the adoption is all we have. Jude’s parents will get to see Jude take his first steps and always remember that moment. I, at best, will get a video of the moment. Which for me I’m happy with, ecstatic actually, but the memory I will have is opening my email and seeing that I have a new message from Greg with the video attached. Nothing special, very mundane actually because I check my email everyday. Its the small things that we find and have that make us feel like were involved some how. That make us feel connected to that baby we lost, with out being connected if that makes sense. 

The major one I have is a burping cloth that I stole from the hospital that Jude used a lot. 

I sleep with it every night. It never leaves my bed or inside of my pillow. I don’t take it anywhere because I want to preserve the smell of baby on it. I have never washed it and never will. I will always have this with me and remember the hospital nights I had him. I loved sitting him right on top of me or right next to me and we would watch TV. I would make the nurses come in and change DVDs out for me (hehe >:] ). When ever he got fussy and I had tried everything to make him better, I would just out him on top of my chest, rub his back, and sometimes sing “his” song. That cloth would be on my shoulder all the time in case he needed to burp and would spit up.

I love Juicy Couture! With a passion. I can’t fit into their clothes because I’m a real woman and have fat, but I love their jewelry. I have a charm bracelet with 4 charms on it (so far). 1 represents Victor, 1 represents my love for my sister, and 2 of them represent Jude. 

Jude has always been a good eater. He came out eating. Swear to god, he came out, they took his sugar levels and they were low, he was given a bottle. So he literally came out eating. He has been a good eater since. When he was first born though, he only cried when he wanted food. He would fuss for everything else, but it was a full on cry with tears and all for food. Every time he cried though, he snorted as well like a little piggy. I saw the flying pig in Juicy it was perfect. His wings were always represented the adoption. He needed to fly away and have a better life. His “wings” will hopefully take him on amazing journeys that I could have only imagined for him. The second charm is a little more obvious its a baby bottle with the word “baby” in blue. I got this represent this first year, a very hard and difficult year, hopefully the worse of the years to come. I am losing a baby and gaining a toddler soon. He’ll be one, and I am just amazed that the amount of time has gone by. My baby isn’t a baby anymore. Its a happy and sad fact, sad only because you begin to miss the baby stuff but happy in so many different ways.

I have a bunch of pictures. This is the nicest one I have. I blocked Jude’s face with the top of a Tiffany’s box.

Katie and Greg gave me this frame when Jude was born. I love it a lot. I have a couple of other pictures around my room. One of my mom and Jude and one of my mom, my sister, and me with Jude in my lap. I have a small wallet sized one in my planner that I got in a thanksgiving card of Jude grabbing his ear. Then my phone lock screen and background is a pictures of Jude. The lock screen is always a picture of Jude by him self and the background is always a picture of Jude and me.

The last thing I have is a scrapbook of pregnancy up to the last day in the hospital. I’ve got ultrasound pictures, 4-d ultrasound pictures, pictures of me when I was pregnant, many MANY pictures during the delivery and in the hospital, his hospital tags and mine, his clothes and hat from the hospital, his “birth” certificate, and the hospital papers with his foot prints on them. I put it together in a scrapbook way with fancy paper and stickers. I did it the first and second weeks I was out of the hospital and the adoption was fresh. It really helped me through the whole thing, gave me something to focus on.  

I love all of these things and the meaning they have for me. It’s ok to have things like this in life, even if your a birth mom. Just don’t become a pack rat, hoarder, or obsessive.

Toys, Gifts, and Presents

I love getting Jude presents. I love going through the toy isle of any store and wondering what toys Jude would be old enough for or would like. I put a lot of thought into his birthday and christmas presents. When ever I go on a trip, I wonder about what I should souvenir I should get him. Most of the time I don’t buy him anything. It’s mostly curiosity and me trying to think “what would he wear?” or “what would he play with?”

Many people this is a problem. My mom, my sister, Victor, and even Katie at one point had a problem. Katie thought by me giving him gifts it was like I was trying to “mother” him. I stopped getting him as many things after that. Everyone else was worried about how much (money, time, and effort) I was putting into his gifts.

I admit, I have a problem. I spend ALOT of money, time, and effort on Jude’s gifts. I can’t help it though.

1). I love shopping. I would go to the mall and buy every since thing and give it all to Goodwill. What Can I say? I believe in retail therapy and use it to full extent.

2). I wove wittle baby clothes and toys! <3 There so cute!

3). This is the big one, and there is not better way to say it. I’m trying to buy Jude’s future affection.

Its horrible and I know this, but its really one of the few roads I have to show Jude that I love him. From all the adoptions stories I’ve heard, adoptees sometimes grow up feeling abandoned and/or unwanted. I definitely don’t want Jude to feel that way and I will do anything to make sure he never does. Giving him expensive things, meaningful things, hand made things, cute things, and thoughtful things will hopefully show him that I care and that I love him.

Giving Jude those gift and the future gifts to come make me feel better. Like I’m doing something right by him (and I know that the whole giving him up in the first place is the right thing for him, but that was pre-adoption. I’m trying to do right by him in the post adoption). I hope this and the other ways I’m trying is the right thing to for him.

IN OTHER NEWS:

I have decided to get the Paramore album cover butterfly as my tattoo. I don’t know when or where (on my body) I’m getting it, but I am excited about it. I also have decided to do something else with the foot prints. I’m SUPER excited about this :)

"The Test"

When you give up a child for adoption, afterwards you do tell people that you had a baby and gave it up for adoption. With most adoptions these days being open adoptions and so society being more forgiving than 30 years ago, birth moms don’t have to hide there pregnancy and baby scandal. Because of this birth moms can choose to talk about their experiences to other people, which is a very good thing. The bad part is though, how will others react to your story.

Now typically, said birth mom is already a strong person (having given up her child and all) so if the person she tells reacts badly and puts shames her then she can handle it and rip them a new one. There is one area where this situation is much different expectation and the reaction matters drastically. It is commonly referred to as “TheTest”.

The Test is when a birth mom tells her story to a person who has the possibility of becoming some one special. Most commonly a potential boyfriend or girlfriend (depending on which way you swing). The reaction is carefully watched to determine if said person will continue to be in your life. React poorly and they’re gone for good. React positively and your in a birth moms good graces.

You simply can’t say “Wow! You did a really nice thing”, oh no. Granted you might be genuine when you say that, but we will be looking for more. Not only will we want to know in depth what you think about adoption, pregnancy, babies. We will be watching your body language when you talk about these things and we will continue to watch how you react when the subject comes up at different times. Until we fully trust that your feelings on the matter made clear. From there we will decide what to do.

As an example I will use a boy I’m currently interested in. When I first told him I was a birth mom, he reacted and said things that were common. “oh how cool.” and “it takes a really strong and selfless woman to do something like that”. Then I told him my story and he asked the FAQs of adoption. As time went on and I talked about the adoption and such he would offer advise, support, and even ask me more in-depth questions about the situation (showing me that he takes a genuine interest in that part of my life). The only part I have not been able to gage yet is his body language when he talks about these things because I have not met him in person yet. Overall though, his responses are positive and he honestly seems interested and supportive of my choices. He wants to be there for me when I’m going through my high and low points. At this point in time, I think I will keep him around. ;)

Now, some of you maybe wondering “Why is the test so important? And why is it so intense?”

It’s important because birth moms shouldn’t have to feel like they need to hide any part of their lives. If we can’t share our most intense moments in our lives to some one who “truly cares” about us, then what does that person really do for you and mean to you?

The Test is so intense because the process and the aftermath is Intense. Being pregnant, giving birth, and giving that baby up for adoption is going to leave some scars, emotional and physical (talk about stretch marks, Jude completely ruined my stomach and hips. Plus he was a C section.) The thing about scars is, no matter how hard you try, they never really disappear. That baby will always be a part of you in some way or another. Finding a person who truly tries to understand that, respect it, and be supportive of it is nothing short of a miracle.

This test is like any other. If you open your mind, heart, and ears and try your hardest, you should be able to pass it.

Baby Love to Baby Blues

I don't know if its just me, but It seems like everyone I know is pregnant these days. Girls my age that I went to school with, woman I know from my work or day to day life, even next door neighbors; all of them pregnant. The natural and first reaction is to be happy for them, which I am. I'm happy for them and give them as much advise on pregnancy as they want.
The second reaction and somewhat unwanted reaction is sadness.

I begin to miss my pregnancy. I miss the short 39 weeks I had with Jude. I miss feeling him move at night when I'm trying to sleep. I miss eating ego waffles every morning for like 4 months straight because I had a constant craving for them.


I miss the life I never had a chance to have, if that's at all possible. I don't want to say I'm jealous or envious, because I don't wish I could have their life or be in their situation. I just wish I could have had my own, one where Jude, Victor, and I lived happily ever after. It wasn't meant to be though, and mourning a life that never existedis pointless.


Being pregnant was the amazing and horrible at the same time. I miss it and would never wish it upon any one else. In short, pregnancy is a HUGE oxymoron. It was the best of times and it was the worse of times.

I find it difficult to move on from the sad part sometimes. I want to be happy for these woman, but sometimes I just can't be (it truly depends on the situation and the girl). I want to be a huge bitch and say "Huh, really? your pregnant? You sure you should be a parent?"

Horrible I know -_-

I'm good though. I keep my mouth shut, smile and nod. It's not my life and its not my decision, so I should respect their decisions regardless of if I like them or not. I would suggest the same for anyone else.


Its a hard place to be. Being a birth mom and watching everyone around you do the job you chose not to do (for good reasons). I just try my best everyday just to be happy for them, and in the end I am. Most of these people are my friends and a good friends support one another. Just because I didn't have a chance to raise Jude, doesn't mean nobody else can.

Besides, this means when there will be some cute babies I can OOOH and AWW over.
;)

The Playlist: Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie

I know this song isn't about adoption and it isn't on my playlist yet, but it will be today. This song is about moving on and going on with your life, even if you don't really want to. Sometimes it just needs to be done, so that one day you can have peace and know you lived your life to achieve personal happiness.

"Big Girls Don't Cry"

Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS]

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be my Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]

La Da Da Da Da Da 

I Got A Visit!

Its true! Yesterday I saw Jude for the first time in 6 months exactly! It was some what unexpected because I had only gotten a weeks notice. The amount of joy I experienced though just knowing I was going to see him was indescribable. The down fall? I spent that week being extremely nervous and biting my nails until they bled. That’s OK though, cause I would risk a million ulcers and never having nails again if it meant I could see Jude.

The day came and I was freaking out. I had work in the morning, but I was free in the afternoon. I spent the rest of it worrying about what I should wear, how I should do my hair, and if I should paint my nails. My sister and my friend Hannah helped me figure all that out. (Dress, braids, and no nail polish in case you were wondering). Originally Victor, my mom, and my sister were going to come with me, but in the end Victor was the only person that came with me. 

First we went to Carls Jr. because Victor was hungry. Then we had to go to the apple store and drop off my mom’s computer to be fixed. I swear to god a million years passed by while I was waiting for the lady to take my information down. I practically ran out the apple store and Victor lagged behind. We met them in a coffee shop that was luckily right next to the apple store. They were right in front and Jude was eating food.

My biggest fear out of this meeting: Jude wouldn’t like me. I know people think “How can he not like you! He’s 10 months old he doesn’t know what he likes or doesn’t like.” Around 10 months though babies start to develop stranger anxiety and don’t like to be around people they don’t know. I know its nothing personal, but still. When I walked in, I sat down, said my hellos, smiled at him and he smiled right back. 

From there things became easier. We talked about how Jude is doing, how Katie and Greg are doing, and how Victor and I are doing. I made sure Victor was comfortable with everything and with Jude. We went down the street to a small park and watched him crawl around. I took as many pictures and video as possible. I even got to walk with him a few times (yes, he’s almost walking!) Before we left we took some official looking photos, which I love doing. They put him back in his stroller and I told him to be a good boy and that I love him. We walked together for a bit, then we parted ways. Victor and I went to Pizza My Heart afterwards and talked about the wonderful visit we had.

When I got home I uploaded my photos to facebook and just on my computer in general. I was looking them over with my mom, and she asked all the typical questions. “What’s he like?” “How are Katie and Greg?” “What does he like?” and then, she asked the question I get asked the most and I think people wonder about the most.

“Does it make you sad? To see him and then to see him leave all over again?”

My mom told me when I was little, that it took me more than a month to smile. When I was older I asked her why, she said “Well, honey I think you knew that you weren’t born into the easiest situation (which I wasn’t, unmarried parents who couldn’t stand each other and lots of other crazy family drama) and I think that you were just waiting to see if it was OK to be here.” Since then I figured that babies have some kind of intuition about life and their surroundings.

The day we left the hospital, we were taking some final pictures and Jude starts to smile. We were able to get one blurry picture of it, but its there. That was always my sign that Jude knew he was going to be OK and he was letting me know that everything is going to be fine. Every time I see him, he’s still smiling. He’s still letting me know that everything is alright. He’s happy, healthy, and his parents are making sure he stays that way.

So, the answer to the previous question is No. I am never sad to see him. I’m never sad when I have to leave him, because I always know that I will see him again. His smiles let me know that he’s happy and that I don’t need to worry about him. As long as he keeps smiling, I will always know that he is where he belongs and that he’s happy, healthy, and safe. 

In two months I have another visit, his birthday visit, and I can’t wait until I see his smile again. The smile that says “Hi Birth Mommy! Don’t worry, I’m Happy”

:)

I Wanna Thank

Every one who sent me kind words or postitive thoughts the other day when I had my crazy adoption nightmare. It wonderful to know that I have an amazing support system out there. 

Thank You My Friends. I Truly Appreciate It.

<3

I Think

I'm going to a bad place today. I had a horrible nightmare about the adoption last night and, quiet frankly, I'm scared.

The Playlist: Broken by Lifehouse

I feel a little down today because I have to spend a HUGE amount of time with people I’m not to fond of and this song has always hit the spot on days like this. Its always seemed a little hopeful to me and in an adoption process, hope is a good thing to have in an adoption. On all sides




"Broken"

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

Can't We All Just Get Along?

One would think that in adoption precess there are only a few people involved. How wrong they are. Ideally, it would just be you, the babies father (possibly), and the adoptive parents. Nope. Far from it. Every decision I made effected the baby, Victor, Katie and Greg, My parents, Victor’s parents, Katie’s and Greg’s Parents, the rest of my family, the rest of Victor’s family, the rest of Katie’s and Greg’s family, my friends, Victor’s friends, Katie’s and Greg’s friends, the doctor, the lawyer, and the list goes on and on.

The truth is, no matter how much you would like to think its no one’s business, everyone thinks it is there business. Nothing can be done about it, its human nature to be in everyones lives. It’s why Tumblr, Myspace, and Facebook do so well.

The real problem is with that many people involved, there are going to be different opinions and points of views shared. Which can result in arguments and angry exchanges. Trust me, its damn near impossible to keep everyone happy. 

Victor and I had to deal with a lot of peoples bull during the pregnancy. My dad kicked me out of “his” family while I was pregnant. My mom and sister couldn’t possibly understand how I could kept the baby through pregnancy. Victor’s parents wanted us to keep the baby and his mother practically begged me to do so. I agruement with one of my friends over my idea of the kind of parents I should look into for Jude; she valued money over love and I was the opposite. This continued on and on until the day Jude was born.

Oh, it doesn’t after the adoption ends either. There’s always something on one side or the other. My mom worries about me all the time because I’m sad about something having to do with the adoption. Sadly because of this, she has a bit of a negative out look on the adoption. My dad has always had a negative out look on the adoption. He refers to Jude as “Fresno”, a town near where Katie, Greg, and Jude live. He’ll say, “So…..How’s Fresno?” Yeah, I know. I’ve even gotten into a tiff or two with Katie via email because of things we say or want. 

The Solution: Do what you feel is right. Its the same thing that we have been doing for our selves and our babies from day one. We know what is the right thing to do for ourselves has been since day one, why should it change now. There will always be people in your life thinking they know better than you, and on occation they might. But in general, you are in control of your life and happiness. You can’t make everyone happy, but you can inform them that your incontrol of this situtation, not them. 

My mom only knows one side of the story, and I try to remind her of that fact. My dad is just a douche and one day I’ll tell him that. And while Katie and I have our differences, we want the same end goal; to do the best thing for Jude. 

Thats all I have ever wanted for Jude. I’m pretty sure thats what any mother wants for her children. I know that all of his birth family wants that for Jude as well, and when he is ready they are all waiting for him with big smiles and open arms.